Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] "Calm down dear. It's just a newsletter"

This Week:
* OBAMA - Cassetteboy inauguration
* SORRY - Your finest apologies
* DIRTY - hateful Scrabble tips

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the best
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | until you've gone home
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| then scoffing it"

B3ta email 5x113 - 25 Jan 2013

Read this issue with a complimentary mint:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue565

Dubstep : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Substep : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
Ardunio

Yadda yadda buy some ads already - so as
tradition dictates the slot is taken with
something we've recently bought on Amazon. The
Arduino is a circuit board you can download
code into and then make it do things. Mainly
we've used it with a small speaker, ripped out
of a kids' toy, and a handful of variable
resistors to make a chiptune arpeggiator. They
cost bugger all (under £15) and are a damn site
easier to get your head round than fiddling
with logic chips. The code is simply "if then"
kind of stuff, rather than having to measure
resistor values and getting really confused.
Nice hobby, if you're a bit geeky.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006H3DNX0/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

>> match.com - Meet Jeff <<
"Those match.com adverts suck," claims woahbot.
"They don't portray online 'dating' like they
should — so we've taken matters into our own
hands and made our own." The camera just loves
ad star Log.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/match_com_Meet_Jeff

>> Very Specific Facebook Graph Searches <<
Web ubernaut Tom Scott has been playing around
with Facebook's new Graph Search. The results
can be narrowed down to a slightly alarming
degree. Companies that employ people who like
"Racism", anyone?
http://actualfacebookgraphsearches.tumblr.com/

>> Bored Stiff <<
"A disgusting little animation called Bored
Stiff," explains Man in a Cat scribe Ian
Ravenscroft. Ugh. Never go to hospital.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bored_Stiff

>> Cheesy 50s brain-melt <<
"This is all made from an old piece of film
footage about the wonders of capitalism or
something," scribbles Cyriak. Watch it HD if
you can.
http://bit.ly/Ys7QnT

>> Obama's Cassetteboy inauguration <<
Barack Obama's way with words takes a new
dimension, with the help of Cassetteboy. "We
spent most of last night cutting up Obama's
Inaugural Address. Here's what we pasted back
together."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK6nH5ZG4q8

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sorry

Last week we asked you to write letters of
apology to those you have wronged. We still
can't work out the confession of murder on
their daughter's wedding day:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sorry/

* MARKER - "While working as the sales manager
of (probably) the last CDR manufacturer in the
UK, times were tough. We took on a few extra
jobs to pay the bills, one of which was packing
U2 CDs, inserts and promo stickers into jewel
cases before boxing them up for distribution.
The whole factory got involved, but not being
very good at mindless tedium, I amused myself
autographing one or two discs. Nothing fancy,
just things like "Enjoy! Bono," and "All the
best, Bono." So, I would like to humbly apologise
to any excited, little U2 fans (particularly if
they are big, scary, violent, baseball-bat-wielding
little U2 fans) who thought they had got their
hands on something unique, personal and special,
especially if they showed them off to their
U2-loving friends, and especially especially if
their friends were slightly skeptical about the
idea of Bono standing in the CD production line
with a magic marker, and extracted the piss by
the gallon. Sorry."
(blyerkit)

* LETTER - "At primary school I had an odd teacher
who, if you did something wrong, would make you
write a letter of apology to him. If it was
really bad, you'd have to write several. I was
new and didn't really understand the point when
I did something wrong and was told to write five
letters of apology. Not understanding, I wrote
"S O R R Y" He went batshit while I stood there
wondering what the fuck was going on. "But you
said five letters! There are five letters!"
(inflateable)

* PROMOTER - "Kate. I feel I must explain. I was
supposed to be meeting a promoter I had never met
before, in the pub before the gig when you arrived
early. I guess the reason I said what I said was
your short hair, small breasts and gender neutral
clothing. I guess I can't be held completely
responsible but I am sorry that the band all burst
out with laughter and caused you to run out of the
pub when I innocently asked you if you were Geoff
and you replied, "No I'm Kate". They were laughing
at me, not you, I promise."
(PhillieJoe)

>> This Week - SELF IMPORTANT <<
Tell us tales of jumped-up officials, the mad,
old bloke who runs the Neighbourhood Watch like
it's a military operation, Colonel Blimps,
pompous bastards and people stuck up their
own arse.
http://b3ta.com/questions/selfimportant/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Weird and bizarre hotel reviews. <<
Nicely done, Tumblr; saving you the effort of
digging through the text, just finding the
nugget of funny and fucking off.
http://tripadvisaargh.tumblr.com/

>> Retro web pr0n <<
The first porn image on a computer screen was
in A. 1980? B. 1990 or C. 1970? Bzzzt, wrong.
It was 1956.
http://bit.ly/XC1YST

>> Vine - video loop sharing app <<
This is the week that Twitter launches Vine, a
long-form photo experiment that gives you 6
seconds of video in a loop. Fun to make deffo,
but haven't made up our minds how fun it is to
watch other people's yet. Basically, animated
gifs with sound - You're The Man Now Dog &
Flickr will be a bit peeved if this takes off.
Here's our quick go, giving you a guide to the
cups of our kitchen. Install the app to your
phone if you fancy a play.
http://vine.co/v/b5t9qhrZgZm

>> Porno-postboxes <<
Remember the 'Planning Notices in Brighton'
bloke? Well, he's called Phil Lucas and is an
occasional stand-up comedian, and most recently
has been sticking rude signs to postboxes. Read
them here, before he's arrested on a jumped-up
terrorism charge.
http://bit.ly/VbLd0p

>> Darkest confessions of anonymous creatives <<
We've got a friend who's the creative director
of an ad agency - do you know his secret?
Colour blind. Doesn't dare tell the clients.
http://www.thecreativeconfessional.com/

>> M&S padded man pants <<
Yep, now you can pretend you have a large cock,
rather than the embarrassing smoothness between
your legs that means you've never been with a
lady. Am I right boys? How the fuck this is
right for cosiest of brands M&S isn't for us to
guess.
http://bit.ly/ne8b81

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like an unlooping Vine

>> How to play dirty at Scrabble <<
Five minutes on how to improve your Scrabble
game and make your friends utterly hate you.
The trick? Be defensive, cut off the board from
the other player and make up words. Tsk.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1aq6sJEuVU&t=52s

>> Javascript is the new Rock'n'Roll <<
We recently met a gentleman by the name of
Circuit Ben (name changed by deedpoll!) who
makes synths and music circuits for a living.
He recommended we watch a 30-minute-long video
about how to code music in Javascript. This
might not be funny ha ha for everyone, but we
found it fascinating. Love the whole code =
music stuff going on. Overtone is incredible
too, but javascript is easier to pick up and
play, as it's already there in your browser.
http://bit.ly/NlLH5X

>> Teabag Mousepad <<
Frankly frightening video where a child's voice
is overdubbed by some big geezer. Wonder if
there's any instant weirdness doing the idea
the other way round?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Teabag_Mousepad:2

>> Ice Cream Van vs Prince Harry <<
In one of the most obvious bullshit set-up
scenes ever filmed, pretend hardman Prince "I
bagged a Johnny Foreigner, what ho!" Harry
pulls out of a TV interview to do Army
maneuvers. Nicely mocked with a little bit of
music here.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ice_Cream_Van

>> Mehdi makes a rail gun <<
You didn't think the world needed a Tommy
Cooper of electronics demonstration videos but
you were wrong. Second time we've featured
Mehdi. Go him!
http://bit.ly/Y3sq9Y

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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
Trek in the City

Spun-off from the fact that Kim Cattrall, the
actor who played cougar Samantha in Sex in the
City, also had a part in Star Trek VI, the
tweets combine sci-fi babble with stuff about
shoes.
https://twitter.com/trekandthecity

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Gay Robots Challenge

Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
wonderful world of gay robots. Actually, we
didn't because we were worried it would all
turn out a bit homophobic - but it was voted
for and we were stuck with it.

Your favourites included:

* QUIT: like Brokeback Mountain, but
with pixel stetsons (Lumpbucket)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10913249

* SPACE: rare glimpse of heuristically
programmed algorithmic goatse (drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10912098

* PLUG: unconventional socket for
homoerotic household (Moon Girl
Technologies)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10911493

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gay-robots/

>> New challenge: Sausages II <<
This week's challenge revisits familiar yet
fertile territory: sausages. Celebrate their
power and meaty magnificence through the gift
of Photoshop. Sausages.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/son-of-sausages/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* HOW THE 'MAJOR KEY VERSION OF MINOR KEY
SONGS' HACK WORKS - spoiler in two words
"Celemony Melodyne" - which isn't the name of
a 14 year old Serge Gainsbourg tried to bugger.
http://bit.ly/XCIBch

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* TWITTER BOTS TO CURE TWITTER ADDICTION - Can
someone write a twitter bot that we can follow
that posts every hour, "Hey, you're on twitter
a lot. Haven't you got work to do?" Thanks.

* MORE EFFECTIVE PHONE SCREENING - Phones
should automatically google any incoming number
you don't recognise. We want to be pre-warned
before picking up.

* PENIS SWAPS - Swapping the key noun in an
aphorism with "penis" improves them: beating a
dead penis; wake up & smell the penis; bad
workman blames his penis. No idea where we're
going with this. Oh, absence makes the penis
grow harder.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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Suck off: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Fuck off: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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THANKS:
This issue writted by Rob "Heathcliff" Manuel
with David "Garfield" Stevenson. Stuff sent in
by Tyronne, quigonjim, Fork, Figmaus,
combatcameraman, zacherynuk.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Halibut.

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TOP TIP:
When eating fruit pastilles, as soon as you
find your favourite flavour is next, stop eating
from that end of the packet. Open the other end
and eat from that side instead. That way your
last fruit pastille will be your favourite and
you won't be left with lime-flavoured
disappointment. (Draconacticus)

AND FINALLY - tonynibbles has written an
'advice slip' site that reads like the kind of
stuff we might occasionally stick in as a top
tip. So here you go:
http://adviceslip.com/