Samstag, 31. Mai 2008
Freitag, 30. Mai 2008
[b3ta] "Knifeus Expeliarmus"
This Week:
* USEFUL - Convert cm to elephants
* EVIL - Mobile phone in microwave
* FARTING - Like only Shatner can
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Now banned on the
__/____/____
B3ta email 330 - 30 May 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.
Submarine: b3ta-subscribe@
Unsubmarine: b3ta-unsubscribe@
------------
: MEDICAL DOCUMENTARY WANTS YOU!
Sponsored linky that's not a linky
Shot yourself in the head with a nail gun?
Escaped near death? Maybe your pet suffered a
gruesome medical ordeal? A new documentary
series exploring extremely bizarre hospital
and vet practice cases wants to hear from you.
If you or your pet have survived the unbelievable
(not necessarily together) then send your
mentalist stories to s.williams@maverick
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
3 songs 1 cup
>> Sensible units convertor <<
"Today I am happy," beams Arf, "because, after
lurking since 2005, I have something to
contribute to b3ta: I made a website called
SensibleUnits.
like metres or inches into sensible units like
buses, elephants, Eiffel Towers and small
intestines." An invaluable resource!
http://www.sensible
>> Singin' in the Rain <<
"Richard Cheese's wonderful lounge cover of
Only Happy When it Rains by Garbage, together
over the immense foot tapping stylings of Gene
Kelly," explains Joe Scaramanga. "For no other
reason other than the fact it made my Friday
afternoon go a bit quicker." Effortlessly cool.
http://b3ta.
>> Slap-face song <<
A win on two fronts from this music video by
joseohernst. If you like the song 'Bottle of
Wine' - win. If you don't like it, you get to
see the singer slapped in the face over 120
times - also win!
http://www.bottleof
>> If Pickles Were Money <<
"I made a video called 'If Pickles Were
Money'," boasts Guy Bauer. "We actually invaded
a parade in Red Bank, NJ to film it AND got on
the front page of the local Sunday paper!" We
watched and had to put it in. We were a bit
scared not to.
http://www.youtube.
------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I Quit!
Last week we wanted to know what you've flounced
out of. And whether all that effort worked:
http://b3ta.
* PRETEND SUICIDE - "I was young, hacked off,
working in a call centre taking gas meter
readings over the phone, and I'd decided to
quit my job in style. We had a team meeting
that morning in the car park, as our line
manager was a chain smoker. Now the building
itself was on a hill, looking out over the city,
with a low wall at the edge of the car park,
over which appeared to be a sheer drop of about
100ft. Crucially it was slightly terraced, so
there was only a 4-5ft immediate drop the other
side. The pep-talk started as usual with our
boss attempting to motivate us and taking it
in turns to discuss any issues from the day
before. At my turn, I screamed, "Sorry, but I
can't take it any more, I really can't, I quit",
ran across the car park like a demented,
suicidal monkey, and hurled myself across
the wall. There was a short stunned silence,
followed by screaming, and then more screaming,
and then plenty of crying. When I re-emerged,
rather than being treated as a jolly prankster
they overlooked my "resignation"
immediately and escorted me from the premises.
So yeah. Don't pretend to kill yourself at work
kids. Not good." (mrgibbles)
* BAD MONKEY - "An old girlfriend got fired from
one of her first ever jobs for being late on
a consistent basis. Of course being 18 at the
time, she swore at the manager, told him what
she thought of him and stormed off only to
realise she had left her gym kit and some stuff
in her locker. That lunch time she returned to
find the locker empty. Asking around, she
discovered that the manager had cleared her
locker and taken her belongings into his office.
Thinking he was out (and not caring if he was
in) she burst into his office muttering, "where
is my stuff?" only to find him behind his desk
with her shorts wrapped around his cock going
at himself like a maniac. Hearing her screaming
with laughter, half the office ran in to find
their manager standing up trying to stuff his
boner back into his trousers whilst tangled in
a pair of girl shorts. A footnote - he was
transferred to another location and she was
offered her job back. She declined and took a
month's salary and a new gym kit." (DrTugnut2)
* HE QUIT! - "My friend went on a first date on
Saturday night with a guy she really, really
likes. She was very nervous, but it all went
swimmingly well. So well, in fact, that when
they were walking romantically along Waterloo
Bridge at the end of the night, he tipped her
chin up, put his mouth on hers, cupped her face
stroked her hair, and kissed her. She said it
was a magical, amazing kiss: the lights of
London spread out before them, stars twinkling,
his mouth warm and firm on hers, knees buckling...
Then, as they finished kissing, he pulled
slightly away and looked deep into her eyes.
And what was her response? Drawing in a ragged
breath, heart pounding, she announced...
"eeeees niiiiiiice!" in her best Borat voice.
Why? Why?? She has absolutely no idea. All she
knows is that he folded her into the next taxi
and hasn't texted or called her yet." (rachelswipe)
>> This Week's Question <<
How bad is public transport? Let us know here:
http://b3ta.
------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Bankrupt office photography <<
Annoying interface but worth sticking with this
gallery of pics of abandoned office space.
Little signs of life suddenly abandoned are
quite affecting.
http://mrtoledano.
>> 'Choose your own adventure' Pong <<
The 70s arcade classic rendered so that you
choose the direction of the flipper by moving
from page to page of still images. Will appeal
to nerds of a certain age.
http://paperconsole
>> Armour for cats <<
Canadian artist Jeff de Boer fabricates period
armour for both cats and mice. It's lovely
stuff and comes in plate, mail and samurai
flavours. There'll be an inter-species jousting
tourney in b3ta's Italian sunken garden this
afternoon.
http://jeffdeboer.
>> Origami meat <<
Simple but has a certain wtf factor; cut-out
templates enabling you to make a juicy steak
entirely from paper. Veggies - why not try it?
http://www.wombat.
>> Fail blog <<
Mighty machine dedicated to showcasing the
power of FAIL. This has been knocking around
for a while but this week our resolve crumbled
so we stuck it in.
http://failblog.
>> Banner ad/gallery Firefox plug-in <<
Really cute concept - this Firefox extension
bins web page ads and replaces them with art
from ongoing curated exhibitions. We have mixed
feelings about it, as looking at the odd advert
is the price you pay for a nicer internet. The
web would be shitter without that little bit of
extra funding.
http://add-art.
------------
: GENTLEMEN'S RELISH
Sexy links to spluff to (NSFW)
>> Girls in gags <<
Extremely well-populated gallery of female film
and TV stars with gags crudely photoshopped
onto their faces. What really raises an eyebrow
is the sheer, demented industry that's gone
into assembling such a volume of stuff.
http://www.dansdidn
>> Bus stop knobs <<
The crudely-drawn cocks on bus shelters are the
new modern art, say these guys. And we agree.
By the looks of things they have a book deal so
you'll surely see these lavishly colourful
willies gracing a coffee table near you. (And
oddly links to B3ta at the bottom of the page,
which is nice.)
http://www.busstopk
------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
As filmed on our Polaroid Digital 320
>> Mobile phone vs. microwave <<
Blokey sticks his old phone in the cooker and
unleashes pure, molten evil! Always ask an
adult before trying this at home - and notice
that he's sure to take the battery out first.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Trippy Alice mash-up <<
Pretty bit of audio-visual sampling from
Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Vaguely
reminiscent of The Avalanches or Lemon Jelly.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Cats in things they shouldn't be <<
Cats in bowls, in watering cans, on plates, in
boxes; cats are awesome and this video shows
it. Lovely footage here and a charming melody,
marred only by a bit of clumsy photoshoppery a
couple of minutes in.
http://www.youtube.
>> Star Trek flatulence <<
We knew we'd have to put this in, even before
seeing it. But this does not disappoint, as the
Enterprise crew entertains with a variety of
musical toots.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Narcoleptic cat <<
Just what it says. Watch the unfortunate
feline's head droop lower, then lower, lower.
Bonk.
http://www.flickr.
>> Chris Martin v Ricky Gervais <<
The Coldplay front-man takes a grilling from
interviewer Gervais, trying to answer
increasingly outlandish claims about his
private life. This went out a while ago but
well worth checking out.
http://b3ta.
------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Quims, Arseholes, Nonces and Spunk
* MAKE YOUR VAGINA FINER - "I frequently walk
past this shop in Paris, but have yet to pop in
for a quim trim." (Crazed Housewife)
http://snipurl.
* GOASTE MARKETING - "I found that someone at
Misco is a fan of everybody's favourite internet
based colonic manipulator.
http://snipurl.
* ECOMMERCE FOR TOT-TICKLERS - Only works if
you pronounce the p, then the 'do' as dough,
but still, brought a nasty, thin-lipped smile to
Uncle B3ta. (veggiegoatdan)
http://www.pdostore
* ANYONE FOR LUNCH? - "They finally fixed
the sign of this Birmingham arcade, after a
good 6 months of it looking as pictured."
(Nibbler)
http://www.flickr.
------------
: RANDOM EMAILS
From possibly stoned B3tards
Going through the postbag this week we found
Goa604 who asked, "Been wondering, and asking
people who I feel should know the answers but
who unfortunately don't; would it be possible
to run Tetris (or failing that Pong) on a dog's
brain?" Seeing as we were quite pleased with
our reply, here it is for your potential
amusement: "Unfortunately, the visual display
unit of a dog doesn't have sufficient
resolution to make a playable version of
Tetris. Although it does have a joystick and
two fire buttons."
------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
REVERSE SPACE INVADERS - We asked for a game
like this a while back. Lightguy responds,
"There's actually a game in development for the
Wii called Space Invaders Get Even, wherein you
can control up to 300 of the aliens as you
decimate cities and stuff like that." Looks
mental:
http://snipurl.
SEXEY SCHOOL - "Nice work on featuring my old
school in the funny name corner," chortles Pat.
"What you don't know is that Gary Glitter lived
just a mile away from our school for Sexey
kids. I must say I did go into his house when
I was about 12 and came out unscathed. But when
the truth came out, a regular post-pub game was
to stand outside his house singing 'I'm the
PAEDA, I'm the PAEDA, I'm the PAEDA of the gang
I am I am' until a light would go on. Needless
to say the community didn't offer much support
to a bankrupt kiddie fiddler, and the dirty old
cunt moved out soon after."
COIN STACKING I - "Me and a few mates play this
occasionally,
is very much fun indeed because it's like an
impromptu game of KerPlunk. Stack a few coins
up, then take it in turns to put coins on the
top until they fall down. "We gave it the
inexplicably offensive (but immaturely amusing)
name 'Gay Conkers'."
BEST SHOP SIGN - In a previous Funny Name
Corner we featured a sale sign relating to the
owner's impending divorce. hcr observes,
"There's a chain of leather clothes shops in
Edinburgh that ran the same idea to its logical
conclusion - having had similar signs for about
12 months, they changed them to 'Mrs X has won
the divorce settlement. Please buy everything
at these prices so that Mr X can afford the
settlement payments'."
COIN STACKING II - "Living in Ireland, I don't
have 2ps, so I had to make do with 5cent
pieces," shrugs fyggy before unveiling a vast,
spare change monolith that puts our own puny
columns to shame. It's also strong enough to
pile shoes onto.
http://i5.photobuck
------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Two games? Ambassador, you're spoiling us!
>> Spelling race <<
Intended for kids but wasted on them. Spell
words correctly and race live online against
other webmongs. We're not 100% convinced it has
the right spelling for everything but maybe
that's a reflection on us rather than the game.
http://tutpup.
>> The Debut Album Game <<
A random wikipedia article for your band name,
a random quote for your title and a random
flickr pic for the album cover. Surprisingly
compelling way to pass the time, particularly
if you fancy yourself as something of a graphic
designer.
http://www.b3ta.
------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RACIST NEWS QUIZ - Take quotes from Mein
Kampf and The Daily Mail, and stick 'em into a
lovely either/or quiz format. The internet will
thank you.
* LEGO CELEBRITIES - um, make lots of celebs
from lego. We had a go with Sulu from Trek, but
it came out a bit wrong.
http://www.flickr.
* REAL WORLD SMILIES - Paint your face like a
lemony clown and smile and grimace for the
world's amusement. The French might like it too.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
------------
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------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
Daaaavid Stevenson. Spluff sent in by Avast,
BadBadman, luvtub, rossanne hamilton, doctor_b,
menthe, harestylenumber1, mike, iowaseven,
kingscott1010 and _alex. Top Tippery already
credited so we really shouldn't be mentioning
it here. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Comment of the week: "At least she's not one of
those London twatbags who wear hoods, call each
other 'blood', and sit at the back of the bus
playing hip hop or garage through a shitty
little phone speaker...and pointing out the
windows going 'shit man, check da feds', when
it's a fucking traffic warden." (RussInLondon)
SUBJLOLS: The Great Architect. MASTHEADLOLS:
Manic.
------------
TOP TIP:
Party Poppers
Spaceswitch suggests -
1. Carefully remove cardboard end
2. Remove all the stringy nice bits
3. Replace with tomato ketchup or you own
choice of kitchen/bathroom delights.
4. Replace cardboard end
5. Complete this on an entire box, and let
loose on unsuspecting partygoers
http://www.b3ta.
------------
SICKIPEDIA:
Got caught wanking by mum last night, really
didn't expect her to wake up. All these years
she thought she had conjunctivitis.
http://www.sickiped
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Freitag, 23. Mai 2008
[b3ta] "Dandruff: The poor man's parmesan"
This Week:
* ANIM - Simon Cowell
* TUNES - Shufflr
* DANCE - Russian hip-hop
------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Now under
__/____/____
B3ta email 328 - 23 May 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.
Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@
Unsub: b3ta-unsubscribe@
------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cowell, Shufflr, Parties and Snails
>> Jonti Vs Owl and Simon Cowell <<
Poor Simon Cowell, not only is he one of the
richest shits on the planet, his name rhymes
with 'owl'. Something Joel Veitch once tackled
with his lightweight but memorable, "Simon
Cowell has got an owl and a trowel", and now
Picking is bringing out the big guns with
applying his animation and songy genius to a
similar area. BTW: Music geeks - if you want to
know how Jonti achieves his robot tone on his
voice then google 'melodyne.'
http://www.weebls-
>> Shufflr <<
Cr3 is still on his one man mission to destroy
the music industry by helping everyone listen
to everything for free. His latest trick is to
catch what MP3s people are searching for and
allow you to play them in real time. It's
absolutely great.
http://www.b3ta.
>> London B3ta bash <<
On our lovely site, we have a calendar page for
B3tards who want to go to the pub. We're quite
alarmed that one such event has taken off to
such a degree that over 80 people have signed
to turn up. Earls Court, 31st of May. Be there
if you want to get jiggy with the the "cream"
of the internet.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Snail art <<
"Slinkachu here, the guy that takes photos of
little model people hidden around the streets
of London (by the way, thanks for featuring me
a couple of years back!). I saw your request
for snail lighting... Well I haven't done that,
but I HAVE been busy recently making snails
into moving street art." Wow, although we do
prefer putting salt on snail and watching them
sizzle, we're blown away that you can actually
be bothered to paint their little shells.
http://www.innercit
------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Books that changed your life
Last week we wanted to know which books had had
a lasting effect on you. To be honest, we weren't
expecting the emotional depths that some of you
plumbed - there's some excellent stuff here:
http://b3ta.
Here's three short ones we liked:
* THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS - "Not least because
it's beautiful, but last year I loaned my copy
to my best friend. I'd been silently and deeply
in love with this man for years but somehow
managed to convince myself that the soulmatey
connections between us were all platonic - it
was the only thing to do as he was both in a
relationship and close friends with my fiance.
Anyway, I gave him my book and he read it,
loved it, and gave it back to me. I re-read it
straight afterwards as his falling in love with
it so much had made me want to revisit. All was
fine until I got to the passage 'if he touched
her, he couldn't talk to her, if he loved her,
he couldn't leave, if he spoke he couldn't
listen, if he fought he couldn't win'. This was
underlined. My heart stopped for what felt like
a minute when I realised that he had done it;
that he felt exactly the same way about me. So.
It's almost a year later, life has been turned
upside down, our ex-es loathe us both (and are
well within their rights) but the facts are
that I am now with the man of my dreams and,
despite the hurt I've caused other people, I
could not be happier. I truly believe I've
found The One. If I hadn't have re-read the
book, I would never have confessed how I felt.
I'm never loaning my copy to anyone ever again.
It's incredibly precious to me." (mookroolz)
* HAYNES BOOK OF LIES - "The Haynes VW POLO
1982 Oct 1990 Manual: if it wasn't for this
book I'd be stuck in the slowly shifting sands
of the Mongolian desert. Instead, we simply
slid this book under the footpump and used it
as a flat surface for reinflating the tyre.
It's feck all use for anything else, especially
actual car repairs." (crackhouseceilidhb
* THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR - "is basically
my bible. It taught me about butterflies, which
are kick ass. It taught me about the days of
the week. It taught me how to count. It taught
me that gross weird looking bastards turn out
to be amazingly pretty. But most importantly,
it taught me that binge-eating is fucking
awesome. Particularly combining salami and
cherry pie. For this glorious education in
hideous amounts of food and eating until you
feel sick, I salute you, you hungry little
caterpillar. (In other news, it's been 21 years
and I've been eating as much as possible and
I'm still not a butterfly. I'm beginning to
think it was all a clever lie.)" (thants)
>> This Week's Question <<
I QUIT! What have you flounced out of? Did it
have the impact you intended? What made you
quit in the first place? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> 42 awesome business cards <<
Business cards are normally a bit of a white
elephant - useful only for bulking out your
wallet and possibly thereby save your life by
stopping a bullet. But this is an excellent
collection of cards that you'd be pleased to
get, from little construction models to tiny
gardens for you to tend.
http://snipurl.
>> Celeb tags <<
Type in the first word you think of when
looking at an image of a celebrity, then see
what other people have though too, scaled
according to how commonly it's been submitted.
The internet's judgement is amusingly harsh -
we recommend Madonna's. The site would be
improved with adding a few more celebrities
though - we craved more.
http://celebtags.
>> Weird trick pictures <<
Deliberately eschewing the use of photoshop,
these shots are achieved with just mirrors,
wires and a certain amount of physical courage.
Next time, we'd like to see him recreate
Photoshop's Liquify tool in real life...
http://www.liweiart
------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The Beadle rejects you love
>> Internet party - intervention <<
Another in the excellent series of sketched
based on websites being represented by real
people. Myspace's friends have something
important to tell him
http://snipurl.
>> Russian Hip-hop <<
Combining two of our favourite things... well
okay, one of our favourite things - old-style
Russian dancing. Here it's synced surprisingly
well to Jason Nevins's 'It's Like That'.
Genuinely. The damn thing is practically
identical.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Flying RC cock <<
Poor Garry Kasparov; trying to make a speech
and then having his thunder stolen by an
attacking airborne penis. Fortunately, his
bodyguards are on hand to beat it off.
http://www.youtube.
>> Attack of the psycho goose <<
Relentless assault on a tiny boat by a maddened
goose. It really is a bit like Jaws filmed on a
handy-cam. Except it's rather more embarrassing
to be mauled to death by waterfowl.
http://www.b3ta.
>> TV pundit forced to admit he's wrong <<
Unusual venture into politilols but very
refreshing to see right-wing political
commentator Kevin James actually pressured
on-air into admitting that he didn't actually
know what he was talking about.
http://thinkprogres
>> 10 optical illusions in 2 minutes <<
Possibly nothing you haven't seen before but
it's nice to have it all in one place at one
time - quite convenient. Some sort of promo for
Samsung, if you prefer to stick it to the man
by not watching his goddamn web viral ads.
http://www.youtube.
------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Selling lols to Roflcastle
* HONEST ESTATE AGENT - "Was recently in Caen,
Normandy and found an estate agent with a
refreshing degree of truthfulness in their
name. At least you know how you are going to
be treated." (Gary MacKay)
http://www.b3tards.
* B3TA'S FAVOURITE SCHOOL - If the mini-fuhrer
wasn't down for Eton we'd be sending him here.
(fridalongstockin)
http://www.hughsexe
* BEST SHOP SIGN EVER - "I took this photo a
while ago", boasts Rohan Chadwick, "It's a
handbag shop in Cardiff."
http://snipurl.
------------
: TINGS DAT MAK U GO RRRRRrrr
Kitten in the snow
... either that or it needs some Head &
Shoulders.
http://snipurl.
------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Mutants Challenge
Last week we wanted you to turn celebrities
into mutants, like.
Your favourites included:
* ROB - Your Ginger Fuhrer at his very best:
with a luscious, heaving pair of tits
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.
* SARAH JESSICA PARKER - the Sex in the City
star gets a much-needed mutant makeover
(nastybadger)
http://www.b3ta.
* POLITICIANS - New Labour? New Danger. Real
Danger. (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Money <<
Money! It's a gas. You can't photoshop it
though - OR CAN YOU? This week - by fair means
or foul - we'd like you to do your amusing
doodahs with cold hard currency.
http://www.b3ta.
------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GRUDGEBOOK - My Future Self writes, "B3ta
newsletter 328 calls for a Grudgebook, so I
have made one. This groundbreaking app lets you
share your grudges. Since I loathe Web 2.0
design, I didn't go with the gradient buttons
and star badges. I did however give the ascii
banner a bit of Web 0.0 gradient."
http://www.infinity
A DOCTOR SPEAKS - "I'm a doctor, and I'd like
to say that sticking a high pressure air pump
up your bum in order to make big farts is
officially dangerous. But not as dangerous as
putting quick-drying concrete and a ping-pong
ball up your arse. Having said that, if you are
lucky enough to have a colonoscopy the
gastroenterologists inflate your colon with
air, which a) Fucking hurts and b) Makes you
fart a lot on the bus home. I'd like to
challenge all b3tans who get to have the
pleasure of a camera stuck up their arse to see
if they can fart the national anthem afterwards
without following through." All that from the
appropriately named 'The hairy aerosol'
------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Spot the difference
Readers of rubbish celebrity mags will be
familiar with seeing two pics side by side with
minor differences - a third nipple on Kelly
Brook or a cock on Jordan. This works on the
same principle, but has a curiously mellow vibe.
http://www.crazymon
------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* REVERSE SPACE INVADERS - hack an old flash
game so that you can play the invaders. Click
them to drop bombs on the hapless human
defender. You might take a bit of weighting to
make this fair - say you can only drop one bomb
at a time or something. We'd certainly like to
play anyway.
* COIN STACKING - how high can you stack 2ps
until they fall over? Could be quite a sport
this. (Um, we sometimes write this section
looking around the room for arbitrary
inspiration, and yes, we've just seen a large
jar of 2ps.)
* THE GREAT CLOSED EYE EXPERIMENT - how long
can you close your eyes for whilst staying
awake. We managed 20 seconds before getting
bored and thinking, "fuck! must finish the
fucking newsletter!"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Juvey, johninnit,
sparrk, matt smith, Zigmund, Creeper and
claptonista Top Tippery by mistaspakkaman
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. (We're enjoying your 'go
vegetarian for a week' blog thingy too:
http://www.blogjam.
bloke. SUBJLOLS: Caustic Armadillo. MASTHEAD:
Joliet.
------------
TOP TIP:
Annoy sarcastic people by pretending to take
everything they say at face value.
http://www.b3ta.
------------
SICKIPEDIA:
Have you noticed the way that burns victims
stick together?
http://www.sickiped
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Sonntag, 18. Mai 2008
Vol 695 - May 18, 2008 - Actual SAT Test Answers in Arkansas
WE EXPECT MUCH FASTER RESPONSE AND DOWNLOADS WHICH IS A GOOD THING!
WE WILL BE WORKING OUT THE BUGS THE NEXT FEW DAYS!
Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -
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Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?
Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"
http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html
==================================
Strange Quotes About US Cities:
"If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later." - Will Rogers
"New York, the nation's thyroid gland." - Christopher Morley
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees." - David Letterman
"Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors." - Walter Winchell
"Loving Chicago is like loving a woman with a broken nose." - Nelson Algren
"Chicago - a pompous Milwaukee." - Leonard Louis Levinson
"Aside from the murders, DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Marion Barry
==================================
Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Answers From Real Students
Strange Answers From Real Students
1. The future of "I give" is "I take."
2. The parts of speech are lungs and air.
3. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
4. A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
5. Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
6. Define H2O and CO2. H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
7. A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
8. The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
9. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
10. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
11. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
12. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
13. We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
14. One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
15. A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
16. One by -product of raising cattle is calves.
17. To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
18. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
19. The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
20. Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings
21. The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
22. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
23. The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
24. In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
25. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
26. In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
27. A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
Submitted by Wendy
==================================
Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix
==================================
NASTY THUNDER AND LIGHTNING STORMS - DRIVING INTO HELL? - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137672.html
STRANGE MULTIPLE MORTAR VEHICLE! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/137758.html
STRANGE VEHICLES - 4 TINY ONE PERSON UNITS - PARK ANY PLACE! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/138006.html
STRANGE CHRISTMAS CANDY - REINDEER LEAVES BROWN LUMPS! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/138027.html
STRANGE BLUE FACED MONKEYS! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/138099.html
RARE AERIAL PEARL HARBOR PHOTO - OIL LEAKS FROM BOMBED BATTLESHIP ROW - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/138106.html
F-117 - CANOPY UP - TECH WORKS ON INTAKE - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/138111.html
STRANGE OLD BB GUN AD - 1,000 SHOT CARBINE FOR $2.79! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/138145.html
AMAZING CELEBRITY WEDDING DRESSES - GRACE KELLY - APRIL 1956 - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/138146.html
STRANGE GOLD LEAF PORSCHE! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/138171.html
MOTORCYCLE RACING STUNTS - FLIPS - SPARKS! - 3 - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/138193.html
STRANGE HOUSES AND BUILDINGS - 9 - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/138197.html
STRANGE 7 SEAT BICYCLE! - WHO'S STEERING? - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/138206.html
ROUGH CROSSWIND LANDING ABORTED AFTER WINGTIP TOUCHES - COMMERCIAL AIRLINER! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/138223.html
STRANGE LOTTERY WINNER - ROLLS ROYCE IN FRONT OF THE TRAILER! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/138224.html
INCREDIBLE VIEW FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOP - A CROWD! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/138225.html
GERMAN 'LUFTWAFFE' MILITARY JETS - AMAZING PAINT JOBS! - 8 - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/138232.html
NASTY THUNDER AND LIGHTNING STORMS - BRIDGE STRIKE - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/137673.html
==================================
The Featured Pix Category This Week - SS - MISC - ALL SPORTS - GYMNASTICS - HORSE RACING - SKYDIVING
http://www.strangesports.com/content/category/100032_1.html
==================================
The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week
Strange New Word Definitions - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/110783.html
The Strange History of 'Grits' - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/110057.html
Military Rules - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/110476.html
The Top 20 Weirdest Celebrity Baby Names - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/109889.html
Remember Hollywood Squares? - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/109312.html
The Longest Jail Sentence - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/112478.html
==================================
The Featured New Category This Week - College - University - High School - Teacher/Prof
http://www.strangesports.com/content/category/110_1.html
==================================
Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites
Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/
Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/
Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/
Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/
Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/
All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/
Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/
Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/
Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/
Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/
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Freitag, 16. Mai 2008
[b3ta] "Did everyone in China jump up and down at the same time?"
This Week:
* BOOKS - Did they change YOUR life?
* BANANAS - Apparently they laugh
* FORKLIFTS - Everyone loves them. Maybe.
------------
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Propaganda from a
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B3ta email 328 - 16 May 2008
Wipe with tissue before use:
http://b3ta.
Tumblr: b3ta-subscribe@
Facebook: b3ta-unsubscribe@
------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Creme Egg Twisted
Hot of the heels of Jonti's egg-based movie
pastiches comes his latest - a take on the
classic Frankenstein. Lovely chocolate. Mmm.
Chocolate.
http://tinyurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Forklift trucks, Pogo sticks and bananas
>> Birthday sendables <<
Your enterprising newsletter team continue
their cut-and-paste antics with a bunch of
virtual greetings card kind of things. Jibjab -
the fools - have paid literally pennies for us
to make this stuff. They are mind-blowingly
good. Well, we would say that, obviously. Make
your Ginger Fuhrer happy and check out the one
where he pretends to be a forklift truck, like
a Fingerbobs heavy plant hire.
http://www.robmanue
>> Pogo stick mayhem <<
One of Butters brief tableaux pointing out the
fragility and preciousness of human life. This
time out it's pogoing. How long before bones
snap and blood splatters, eh?
http://www.b3ta.
>> The laughing banana <<
Not much to this, iceberg's debut vid, but it
has a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps that
would be the eponymous hysterical fruit.
http://www.b3ta.
------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Treasured possessions
Last week we asked what you owned that you'd
rescue from a fire:
http://b3ta.
Here's three that amused us, including what is
possibly the first ever true story from
frankspencer:
* ROLEX - "I lived for years out of a single
backpack and I believe there's nothing I could
lose that would kill me. Losing journals and
diaries would be a bit of a drag, but I'm a
believer in stoicism and accepting that
whatever gives you pleasure could be taken away
at any time. Pleasure must be something inside.
That said, who doesn't like shiny trinkets? Ten
years ago I bought a Rolex. Now, everyone knows
that this - along with a Porsche - is a prime
symbol of the tosser. But wait a minute. It
cost me around £2000, which was exactly the
amount in my bank account. I emptied the
account on a whim, and at the time I didn't own
a house or a car or anything more than I could
fit in a 75 litre backpack. I did it because
James Bond wore one in the early films. Still
got it, though none of my colleagues knows and
I don't advertise the fact. I'm pretty much a
failure in life - I'm 36 and have never earned
more than 20 grand. I still owe my entire
student loan from 13 years ago. But I wear a
Rolex. The contradiction amuses me greatly. One
day it'll be stolen and I won't be able to
afford a new one. C'est la vie." (frankspencer)
* THE DRINKING JACKET - "1 M&S suit jacket,
second-hand from charity shop, 20 second-hand
beer towels and 1 very patient Mrs Ousgg,
resulted in by far the only 'cool' item of
clothing I own. This modern-day harlequin's
coat is warm in winter and features a range of
beer-towels: there is no visible black jacket
left - the only uncovered area is underneath my
armpits, for reasons that involve me not having
to walk around like a Cyberman. The reason it
is my most treasured possession is the instant
credibility it seems to bring me in any sort of
drinking establishment. On the strength of one
23 quid home-made bit of kit, I have achieved
the following: At least twenty pints bought for
me by complete strangers. Instant (and often
free when applicable) access to any pub or club
in my home town. Preferential service at bars
packed three-deep (It's also quite handy for
order ales over deafening metal music, by
pointing to the relevant part of my jacket).
Impromptu invitations to join three different
stag nights. And three genuine offers of a
blow-job, which I felt sadly obligated to turn
down due to being engaged. Although, having
been married for a few months, I'm now more
open to persuasion..
* BIT OF A DILEMMA - "The other half's cooking:
I don't treasure it, but I do regularly rescue
it from a fire." (Mime)
>> This Week's Question <<
Books that have changed your life. Talk to us
here:
http://b3ta.
------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ugly Dogs 2008 <<
Daytime TV producers! Magazine photographers!
Get your ass to California for this year's
World's Ugliest Dog competition. There's gold
in them thar dogs.
http://www.sonoma-
>> Jaffa cakes helpline query <<
Our non-UK readers might need an introduction
to Jaffa cakes - they are sponge-based,
chocolate-topped snacks filled with (if Viz is
to believed) 'the collected earwax of the
McVities family.' And like almost all products
in the UK, there's a number printed on the side
of the box for cranks to call. This week the
mentals are Adam and Joe on some radio show of
uncertain vintage.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Spongebob rectal thermometer <<
Speaking as parents, we understand the
difficulty in making kids do things that are
unpleasant but necessary. However, we probably
wouldn't have designed a Spongebob thermometer
that you stick up the kid's bum. To associate
these two things is just weird, and surely
could lead to kids sticking other toys up their
arse? BAN THIS DANGEROUS FILTH NOW. Or just
giggle at it.
http://snipurl.
>> Boomtish web meme <<
Couple of sites doing the rounds this week from
the 'ronseal does what it says on the tin'
school. Classic comedy sound effect plus
descriptive URL. We considered adding a third
to this collection with 'a shave and a hair
cut, two bit' but got bored looking for a
suitable URL.
http://www.sadtromb
http://www.instantr
>> Test your wife! <<
In the good old days, wives were rated on their
domesticity. See how you, or your wife, would
score. And if she scores badly then sack her!
Now, WHERE'S OUR FUCKING DINNER?
http://flickr.
>> George W Bush in advertising <<
Interesting examination of the way in which
Dubya gets portrayed by the advertisers of
different nations - totally a reflection of the
way he's perceived.
http://snipurl.
------------
: BONUS SPONSORED LINKY
Stuffing envelopes - world record attempt
"Licked, stuffed and stamped – no, we're not
talking about Gordon Brown. Get your probing
fingers on our sticky flaps and you could win a
trip to Washington!"
http://riamex.
------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Why are web videos like Graham Coxon?
They're both short and blurry.*
>> Everyday Transformers <<
If Transformers had really wanted to blend in,
this is what they'd have chosen. Fag packets
and johnnies turn into evil robots and fight it
out!
http://www.b3ta.
>> Warm ice <<
Some sort of freaky science turns water into
ice at room temperature. Extraordinary,
although somewhat alarming to readers of Kurt
Vonnegut.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Shampoo ads for men <<
Those incredibly annoying commercials equating
hair washing with sex - remade with a man. The
performance really lifts an idea that, on
paper, seems a little meh.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Newsreader flipout dance <<
Hard-hitting remix of news anchor Bill O'Reilly
going mental on Inside Edition. "Fucking thing
sucks!" BTW: We had no idea who he was before
this old footage came up. But he's an angry man.
http://uk.youtube.
>> Greedy hamster <<
How much food can a hamster fit into its
cheeks? You'd be surprised, as this vid
demonstrates. Worth sticking around to the end
for the whole thing reversed very quickly.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Powder farts <<
B3ta's continual research in the area of toilet
humour has unearthed a massive cult on youtube
of people videoing their own spectacular
farting. This one is pretty good, we also
enjoyed the banter as the pressure mounts.
http://youtube.
>> Focus groups suck <<
Clever, funny advertising from Shreddies in (we
think) Canada. A spoof campaign for a 'new'
shape of the cereal meets a bemused focus group.
http://www.youtube.
** Graham Coxon is 5'11", but fuck it, we made
a joke and we're not letting facts get in the
way.
------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Three-way photo fun
* SPUNKY BAKER - "Saw this bakery in Seven
Kings, Ilford, Essex. Somehow I wasn't really
encouraged to go in and buy something." (carolt)
http://www.b3tards.
* COCK SEX SCIENCE - "Wonderful scientific
paper - who'd ever have imagined
{trans-1,4-Bis[
-bipyridine)
Supramolecular Assemblies with -Cyclodextrin
would look so amusing?" (concurrency.
http://dx.doi.
* MORE SEMENY LOLS - "I was buying some bits
for my bike the other day when I spotted this
finely named product on the shelf." (evilmango)
http://www.deb.
------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Supergroups Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to create
supergroups. Partly because we remembered an
old Hale & Pace gag with the punchline, "Chris
Straits"
Your favourites included:
* MUGABABES - sultry pop songbirds duet with
African despot (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.
* GUNS 'N QUOSES - rock's dream team: Slash
Parfitt and Axel Rossi (Barbarossa)
http://www.b3ta.
* NIRVANA SPLITS - in other news: Kurt Cobain
still dead (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Celebrity Mutants <<
We love celebrities. And we love mutants. So
make some celebrity mutants. Or some mutant
celebrities. Simple. Challenge suggested by The
Neville.
http://www.b3ta.
------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TARD WINS BIG PRIZE - board regular
sundae_girl came first in a compo by Clipstar
and won $10,000. Blimey. Well done to her!
Shows what we know, eh?
http://www.b3ta.
* "THE WORST THING that has happened to me EVER
is listening to Jonathan King's song about
bummy sex from last week's newsletter, and
finding myself bumping into work colleagues
whilst singing 'There's nothing wrong with
buggering boys' to myself," confesses Freddy
Woo. "I am now undertaking an extensive course
to Toni Basil's 'Mickey' to reset my internal
jukebox."
* AIR PUMP ARSE - "With regard to the video of
the guy pumping air up his arse with the
intention of some major fartacious action,"
puffs Davideo. "I used to work at a horrible
mill in Horwich, and in there was an air line
to blow all the airborne fibre and fluff of
stuff if required, but not people.
"I couldn't understand the danger and would
blast the odd passing co-worker, until finally
warned that I would be out the door if I
persisted with this reckless and dangerous
activity.
"Why? I demanded. Apparently some guys had
grabbed a husband-to-be on his last 'unwed'
Friday and shoved the airline up his arse and
gave him a quick 'surge'. He later died of the
bends.
"Ace or what? But not ace!"
"An air embolism is more likely to be a problem
if he has piles or has cut himself shoving
things up there," snorts Mrs Trellis,
informatively.
* FROZEN SPUNK - "To answer Agent Muu's
question in the last newsletter," chatters Peb,
"spunk freezes at -0.609 deg C." He refuses to
elaborate.
* 230 MILES OF LOVE - "Your legendary media
sway has been proved once again," beams
'sat-com' inventor Ajshanahan, "ITV Cumbria
have been in touch about filming a short piece
on it. I've said yes but asked for a rider and
they're considering it." Yay! Wait, he wants
what?
------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Human brain cloud
Type the first word or phrase that comes to
mind to contribute to huge word association
clouds. Score points by guessing the same as
many people have before. Or simply sit, typing
random words for hours with no clear idea why,
as the effect is kind of hypnotic.
http://humanbraincl
------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SNAIL LIGHTS - Ghoti Fingers requests, "How
about putting small candles (tealights) on the
back of snails as interestingly mobile lights
at dinner parties. Or film them using
long-exposure photography like those crappy
car-light photos you don't see any more. You
can track where they go in your garden."
* FINGER OF FUDGE TOASTED SANDWICH - laughing
about what a friend of B3ta might eat when no
one is looking, we reckon it might be white
bread, 4 fudge chocolate bars, covered in
butter and stuffed into a Breville. Served with
ice-cream. Can someone cook this for us, we
reckon it could be kind of awesome.
* GRUDGEBOOK - "didn't do washing up after
dinner", "cancelled plans to go out at the last
minute" or even the dullest, "said they'd phone
and they didn't". Web 2.0 stylee, so that
everyone can read everyone's grudges about
everyone. Should cause a few passive aggressive
lols.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
------------
Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@
------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jesus.christ,
Spundlemoon, Jd. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. You DO NOT WANT TO CLICK THIS LINK:
http://tinyurl.
Subjlols via SkUG.co.uk
------------
TOP TIP:
Junk mail - "I fitted the business-end of an
office shredder to my letterbox and I've not
had to pay a single utility or credit card bill
since." (Maudlin McCann)
Stick your tips here, bollocks or otherwise:
http://www.b3ta.
------------
SICKIPEDIA:
I feel that I was unjustly sacked from my job
yesterday. My boss felt that having sex with
the clients wasn't "appropriate" so he fired
me. That's the last time I work for an
undertaker.
http://www.sickiped
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