Vol 725 - Aug 31, 2008 - Actual SAT Test Answers in Arkansas

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Strange "Law" Quotes

"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." - Norm Crosby

JUDGE, n: A law student who marks his own papers. - H. L. Mencken

"We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read." - Mark Twain

"A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table." Jean Kerr

"In university they don't tell you that the greater part of the law is learning to tolerate fools." - Doris Lessing

"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken." - Benjamin Disraeli

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - Actual SAT Test Answers in Arkansas

S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

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Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

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STRANGE CONCEPT CARS - TANG HUA "BOOK OF SONGS" ELECTRIC CAR - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/141955.html

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The Featured Pix Category This Week - OPTICAL ILLUSIONS - PUZZLES - STRANGE ITEMS

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/100302_1.html

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The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Strange A Guy Goes Into A Bar... Jokes! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/141639.html

Strange Toilet Trivia - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/142146.html

The Strange Lying Stones of Lugensteine - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/142148.html

Strange Zen Sarcasm - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/142154.html

9 'Dangerous' Words Women Use - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/142271.html

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The Featured New Category This Week - Interesting & Fun Tests, Games, Quizzes

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/115_1.html

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[b3ta] "Julie Moult is an Idiot"

This Week:
* DISGUSTING FOOD - Deep-fried pizza
* SCARY ANIM - Fear Mzungu!
* WEIRD TITLE - Revealed in full

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're back on the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| drink... together"

B3ta email 343 - 29 Aug 2008

Read this issue in your boozer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue343/

Lager: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Lemonade: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
Put headline here

From B3ta superstar / TV whore sell-out director
Ben Wheatley comes an unboxing video for Samsung's
iPhone killer. It has already been plastered all
over the boards, but since this slot has been paid
for CLICK THE BASTARD LINK. Go on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQlzX7EyIwU

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Pizza, Veitch being mad and crap game reviews

>> Deep-fried pizza <<
There's two substances that flow through a
Scotsman's veins: heroin and lashings of tasty
cholesterol. Props to Jared Earle for following
up his Munchy Box photos of yesteryear with
this deep-fried pizza. You'll get fat fingers
from even clicking the link. Tuck in, B3tards.
http://blog.23x.net/13/what-is-a-deep-fried-pizza.html

>> Fear the mighty MZUNGU! <<
Veitch blithers, "Years ago, my dad, who as you
know is very hairy, large and fearsome, came
back from a long trip to Uganda, sporting a
tshirt, on which was emblazoned the single word
'MZUNGU'. This name stuck, but specifically
for use in his fearsome and terrifying periods.
In the same way as Bruce Banner has a different
name when he's the Hulk, dad has a different
name for when he is Mzungu. The song basically
came from that. If anyone is getting too jovial
or frivolous, you must summon Mzungu to CRUSH
them." Um, yes. Nice
http://rathergood.com/mzungu/

>> Dr Ashen reviews... <<
Our man Ashen is big on reviewing the cheapest
game tech he can find - and this week he excels
himself with some kind of rubbish 3D goggles
that redefine what the word 'crap' means.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cyber_FX_3D_Headset_Review

>> Julie Moult is an Idiot <<
Found our subjectline a little confusing this
week? Politcal obessesive Manic explains it in
full.
http://www.bloggerheads.com/archives/2008/08/julie_moult.asp

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Are you gullible?

Last week we offered a £50 prize for the best
story. Yeah, like there'd be a "best" story.
In fact most of you spent ages trying to get
others to visit the I Love Horses website:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gullible/

* MARGE-ASSED HOUND - "There was a young girl
where I used to work who spent the day obviously
upset about something. I asked what was up and
she told me the courts had ordered that her pet
dog had to be destroyed because it would not
stop barking and the neighbours had complained.
Apparently they had tried everything, muzzles,
drugs, but the dog would not stop. Without
taking a moment to think about it I told her
to cheer up because all she needed was a tub
of margarine. She looked at me with hope in her
eyes as I explained that if she examined her
dog's sphincter when it was barking she would
notice that it clenched with every bark. All
she needed to do was smear the dog's ass with
the marge and it would not be able to "get a
grip" and therefore would not be able to bark.
I added weight to the theory by adding that it
had to be margarine as the dog was likely to
lick its ass, so had to be edible. She immediately
left work, bought a tub of flora and scuttled
off home. Next day, even more upset, she told
me that the margarine thing hadn't worked despite
the fact that she had "even put some inside"."
(TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt)

* CLUCKING IDIOT - "Broooooooooooooooo ck bock
bock bock bock, I clucked excitedly, answering
the phone one day when I was about 13 to a lovely,
if chavvy, lady from KFC. She said that they
were having a contest to see how many times you
could cluck in a minute, and the winner got £500
and free KFC for a month. I threw myself into it
with a vengeance, clucking for England. After
about 15 seconds and 150 clucks, I was happily
confident about my clucking abilities, but by
30 seconds and 300 clucks, I suddenly got
suspicious. How were they counting these? As I
faltered, there was a gap in my clucking and
through the silence, I heard the sound of stifled
laughter getting louder and louder. The nice
lady was a so-called friend from my class, and
she had half the year there listening to me
squawking like a muppet." (rachelswipe)

* LARGE NUMBER 2 PLEASE - "My Missy was ordering
us a Thai takeaway on the telephone when I
scribbled a last minute order on a Post-It note:
"Ask them if they've got any Phat Kok" The lady
on the other end of the phone was laughing so
much the call had to be terminated." (kingnutter)

>> This Week's Question <<

How did you get your loved on to go out with
you? Did you crash and burn or was it all
romantic? Were the beer goggles particularly
strong that night?
http://b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> If sexy means ugly then this is sexy <<
Aha - the internet returns to its roots: coming
a fast 10 years on the heel of Fugly and Fat
Chicks in Party Hats, this blog site proves the
internet basic that ugly people = cheap lols.
http://renz-o.blogspot.com/

>> One-legged porn star <<
"I was googling for porn," confesses wanking
hobbyist Fred Lemon, "and I found photos of
this delightful young lady, a tattooed Suicide
Girl named Amina Munster. After shuffling out
some quick custard, I noticed there was
something odd about her foot: it was peeling,
like paint might peel off an old chair. A quick
web search later returns a revealing interview
with this one-legged beauty. Apparently she's
missing fingers too. Woo hoo."
http://www.bmezine.com/news/steppingback/20050209.html

>> Google results for <x> girls <y> cups <<
This cartoon was everywhere this week, so why
not have it in the B3ta newsletter too? BTW:
Speaking of shock sites that refuse to die, we
enjoyed the shout-out on brilliant TV show, 30
Rock, "It's not a lemon party if there's no old
Dick." Well done, those writers - please
reference Tub Girl in series three.
http://xkcd.com/467/

>> Like Guitar Hero, but for God botherers <<
Think Guitar Hero but less AC/DC and more
Christian rock. If you're not in heaven already
at that thought, then damn us to hell that we
have no video to show you.
http://snurl.com/christrocks [store_digitalpraise_com]

>> YouTubeSnob - nice idea <<
Sick of awful comments on YouTube?
Twats-be-gone with this handy Firefox extension
which hides everything with bad spelling and
poor grammar. Thankfully there's no version
available for our charmless missives else we
might be mute.
http://www.chrisfinke.com/addons/youtube-comment-snob/

>> Lego Stonework <<
Art or vandalism? What kind of cretin replaces
broken mortar in churches with lego? An arty
cretin that's who.
http://snurl.com/nonononono [scienceblogs_com]

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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Cat Sleeping Positions

Themed photo collections of cats come and go;
cats in bowls, cats in sinks etc. And here's a
new take on it; all the odd positions kitties
sleep in. Also an ideal link for a young man to
send to a lady to persuade her he's got a soft,
sensitive side rather than just being a smelly
rapist.
http://www.zuzafun.com/cats-sleeping-positions

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Insert weak joke here if you be arsed

>> Looking in the Mirror at Myself <<
Catchy song and escalating acts of self
vandalism from this bloke who is very satisfied
with whatever he sees in the mirror. And we've
all done it.
http://b3ta.com/links/Im_pretty_sure_this_guy_is_a_b3tan

>> Scary, happy druggie <<
Public service ad about a harmful addiction to
dust removers can be, takes a very frightening
musical turn as severely fucked-up girl
explains that she's "walking on sunshine".
(Sent in by Spunky Backpack who wishes b3tards
to take up the sport of solvent sniffing.)
http://www.i-r-genius.com/sunshine.html

>> Gromit scat video <<
Archive footage from Wallace's early days
house-training his canine chum.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gromit_scat_video

>> Richard Dawkins hatemail <<
The popular atheist reads aloud some choice
morsels from his mailbag, with obvious glee. He
also does that thing of reading misspellings
out phonetically, which made us warm to him.
Even if he is a foul blasphemer and will burn
in Hell.
http://b3ta.com/links/Comedy_Gold_Richard_Dawkins_reads_his_hate_mail

>> Lord of the Dancey Dance <<
Hapless hobbit Frodo Baggins gazes into the
enchanted water, only to see a horrifying
vision of his future. He is a guest on cult
kids' show Yo Gabba Gabba.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lord_of_the_Dancey_Dance

>> Biffy Clyro's Killing In The Name Of <<
Live radio cover of Rage Against the Machine's
evergreen anthem. The singer leaves a nice big
gap where the swearwords should go and you can
see the band chortling with satisfaction as the
audience handily supplies the missing lyrics.
http://snurl.com/fillintheblanks [www_bbc_co_uk]

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Robots in History
Challenge

Your favourites included:

* TRENCH - tales of courage, despair and great
big fuck-off robots during the Great War (The
magic of chutney)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8676075

* STEAMPUNK - Mr Dalek gets the Victorian tank
treatment (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8671813

* RUNBOT - run! run! it's the attack of the
retro computer (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8675003

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyrobots/

>> New challenge: Mouse Traps! <<
The standard mousetrap is a design classic, but
we think it can be improved on. This week's
challenge is to do just that: we want a better,
more efficient, 21st Century trap. Challenge
suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mousetrap/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* LONDON LOO SEARCH - The developers of
NYC-based toilet search engine Diaroogle have
been in touch to aid our public pooing
proclivities. "As a sign of appreciation, we
decided to build a London version. It only has
3 toilets so far, compared to the 125 listed in
the NYC version. But hopefully the great people
of London can fix that." Yay! We think.
http://london.diaroogle.com

* LEGO CAN NO CAN DO - "Your idea of a Lego
watering can is full of holes," spouts
Smallbrainfield. "I used to make Lego into
ships and submarines when I was a kid and
invariably the Lego would leak. You would have
to seal each brick or coat the inside of the
watering can, which sounds like cheating to
me." We suspect that you simply have weak and
puny wrists, unlike our own manly extrusions.

* PIXLR LIKES THE WIFE - We featured their
online flash image editor last week and offered
them £5 and a go on the wife if we could
acquire it. They write on their blog that they
"must confess it is really hard to say no." Mrs
Fuhrer is well chuffed.
http://pixlr.blogspot.com/

* BOIL WATER IN A MICROWAVE? Not unless you
like pain. Stranger warns, "When
water is heated in the microwave it doesn't
bubble like in a kettle, or pot, if the inner
surface of the container is smooth (like a
cup). So when the surface of the water is
broken, it shoots upwards. If you have to boil
water in a microwave, put a kebab stick, or
lollipop stick in it; something to break the
surface tension." And he isn't just flapping
his gums; look, a Snopes article too!
http://www.snopes.com/science/microwave.asp

* GULLIBLE, US? ks26milw writes to inform us
that the old "gullible isn't in the dictionary"
gag that we used for last week's question of
the week is a misuse of the word gullible. "The
gag should more appropriately have been with
friends telling you that the word 'skeptical'
isn't in the dictionary, and when you went to
check, they'd all point fingers and jibe:
'Hahahaha! You're skeptical!'" Hmm. We'll take
that information with a pinch of salt.

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: FRIDAY GAME
E4 Game thingie

Please make puzzles! We've connected an early
version of our cat-killing, flame-dodging
Sokoban game Psycho Fireman to a wiki to allow
you to create your own levels - we'd love you
to join in. JOIN US.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wiki_puzzle_game

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* A LEGO PENIS FUCKING A MECCANO VAGINA -
Christ this bit of the newsletter is hard to
write.

* AN INKJET PRINTER THAT WILL PRINT MONEY -
we're telling you out brains are hurting. Ouch.

* USB LEOPARD THAT CHANGES ITS SPOTS WHEN FULL
OF DATA - we give up. Please send us better
ideas.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by English Bob and
vain_imaginations. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlos via the board.

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TOP TIP:

When we started the top-tip section our aim was
to run real tips rather than VIZ-style gags.
However, this is simply not what people send
us. We are what YOU want us to be, we suppose.
Anyway, here's a handful that have tickled us
recently:

* Racist lols! Try the Korean meatballs.
They're the dog's bollocks! (oneinthepink)

* Girls! Tired of having to do gymnastics to
trim your mimsy hair? The solution is simple!
Squat over an upturned garden strimmer and hey
presto! not only a tidy quim, but an absence of
razor marks and blocked plugholes! (Smash
Monkey)

* Condoms! Don't buy ribbed condoms. Buy
regular condoms and fill them with ball
bearings. (Maudlin McCann)

These and many other gags of variable quality,
as usual, on the actual top tips section:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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SICKIPEDIA:
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At
the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly
to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel
is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are
into.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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Vol 724 - Aug 27, 2008 - Top 25 Office Inspirational Posters

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

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==================================

Strange "DUMB" Quotes:

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there." - Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach

"The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Top 25 Office Inspirational Posters

TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

SURFING AT A YOUNG AGE - HE CATCHES A BIG WAVE! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/141233.html

STRANGE CELEBRITY MANSIONS - DENZEL WASHINGTON - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/141485.html

STRANGE "SEE THROUGH" GRAND CANYON BRIDGE - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/141570.html

OLDE PIX - FORMAL LUNCH ON SKYSCRAPER I-BEAMS - WITH WAITERS! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/141699.html

STRANGE TWO HEADED SNAKE! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/141943.html

STRANGE CONCEPT CARS - AURORA SAFETY CAR - 1957 - 2 - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/141951.html

BORED IN THE TOILET - TAKE YOUR SUDOKU TOILET PAPER ROLL! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/141973.html

STRANGE SPORTS FANS - RUNNER CONCERNED ABOUT POLICE ESCORT! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/141988.html

CUTE FROGGY KISS! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/141999.html

LITTORAL COMBAT SHIP - 2 - FRONT - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/142013.html

OLD MAGAZINE ADS - 7-UP FOR BABY! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/142020.html

STRANGE SINGAPORE DRIVERS LICENSE - BATMAN & SUPERMAN! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/142023.html

USS KITTYHAWK LEAVING JAPAN 5-28-08 - SAYONARA - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/142025.html

SENIOR GETS A TICKET - CONFUSED DUSTBUSTER WITH FUZZBUSTER!!!!!! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/142032.html

RADAR COP JUST COULDN'T WAIT! - DUNKIN DONUTS TRUCK - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/142034.html

MACKINAC BRIDGE - MACKINAC MICHIGAN - WINTER - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/142038.html

STRANGE UFO CRASH IN RUSSIA - 1 - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/142040.html

WORLD'S LARGEST TREE HOUSE ! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/142097.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - CELEBRITY HOMES - COMPOUNDS - SECURITY GATES - CRIBS

http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/category/100601_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

10 Reasons Beer is Better Than Wine - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/141637.html

Strange Brain Bits - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/142143.html

Strange Apple Information - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/142145.html

Strange "ABBA" Trivia - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/142147.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - Strange But True News, Quotes, Trends, Morons, etc

http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/category/116_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

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Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

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---------------------

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Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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------------------------

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Vol 723 - Aug 24, 2008 - Strange Accident Claims in England

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

NEW! - MySpace Members - Please NOTE that we have just added a TAB on each Joke Page and Image Page that NOW Makes it Easy for you to add "Strange" Items to your Individual MySpace pages! Just CLICK on the Bottom Right MySpace ICON! It's Quick & Easy!

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

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==================================

Strange Quotes About "Fools"

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. ~ Douglas Adams

You don't have to fool all the people all of the time; you just have to fool enough to get elected. ~ Gerald Barzan

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way. ~ Josh Billings

A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him. ~ Nicholas Boileau

Get the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. ~ Frank Dane

A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave. ~ William Drummond

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Accident Claims in England

These are some daft things whcih have been written on Insurance claim forms

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE SKYDIVING - 4 PEOPLE IN A CONVERTIBLE?????? - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/140998.html

STRANGE MOTORCYCLE - WITH TRAINING WHEELS? - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/141444.html

F-14 TOMCATS - ON THE EDGE OF THE CARRIER DECK! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/141598.html

THE SAN ANDREAS FAULT - COOL AERIAL VIEW OF DETAILS - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/141880.html

1950's WOOLWORTHS MENU - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/141883.html

STRANGE "PIMPED" MOTORCYCLE WITH SIDECAR - 1 - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/141727.html

CELEBRITY CELLULITE PROBLEMS! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/141885.html

STRANGE RANCHER TAKES HIS STEER FOR A RIDE IN A CONVERTIBLE! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/141918.html

OLD WWII PIN UP - SEXY MACHINE GUNNER! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/141929.html

TANK KEEPS SCORE - ROCK THROWING KIDS! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/141931.html

STRANGE 'SNOWCONE' CAT - PURPLE TONGUE! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/141591.html

NAVY SHIP LEAVES PORT - NAVY WIFE DOING WHAT SHE'S DONE TO MANY YEARS! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/141937.html

PURE WHITE SNAKE - BLUE EYES! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/141940.html

STRANGE CONCEPT CARS - CITREON - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/141946.html

GREAT SHOPLIFTING SIGN - WIN A FREE RIDE IN A POLICE CAR! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/141978.html

STRANGE SPORTS FANS - THE HATES THIS BICYCLE RACER! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/141985.html

CUTBACKS AT THE FIRE DEPARTMENT - TRUCK REPLACED BY "FIRE BICYCLE" - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/142008.html

ELVIS STOPS TO SIGN AUTOGRAPH - ON KIDS HEAD! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/142009.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - MISC - CRAZY STUFF - TRAINS - BICYCLES - VANITY PLATES

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100006_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

10 Strange Things You Didn't Know About Houdini - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/140777.html

Strange Facts About Icebergs - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/141875.html

You Know You're Stressed When..... - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/100512.html

You Know You Work in Corporate America in the 2000's if... - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/107485.html

- 11 Nasty Office Pranks - Funny But Could Get You Fired! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/25643.html

TINY MOTORCYCLE FUN - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/100771.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - Work, Job, Corporate - Boss Jokes & Business Humor

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/119_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

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---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

Vol 722 - Aug 20, 2008 - Top 25 Country Songs

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

NEW! - MySpace Members - Please NOTE that we have just added a TAB on each Joke Page and Image Page that NOW Makes it Easy for you to add "Strange" Items to your Individual MySpace pages! Just CLICK on the Bottom Right MySpace ICON! It's Quick & Easy!

------------------------

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Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

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==================================

Great "Food" Quotes

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. - James A. Beard

I don't eat anything that a dog won't eat. Like sushi. Ever see a dog eat sushi? He just sniffs it and says, "I don't think so." And this is an animal that licks between its legs and sniffs fire hydrants. - Billiam Coronel

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis (Garfield)

If the people have no bread, let them eat cake. - (attributed to) Marie Antoinette

I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require as much cooking. - Carrie Snow

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Top 25 Country Songs

TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE GALLERY IN CANADA - CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE DISPLAY! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/140994.html

STRANGE GOAT "HOUSE" - CUTE DRESSES! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/141151.html

STRANGE MARRIAGE PROPOSAL - DORK WITH A LIGHT SABER! - DON'T DO IT! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/141197.html

STRANGE 1920'S WRECKER - COOL! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/141789.html

STRANGE ALBUM COVERS - XMAS - 1 - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/141804.html

C-17 GLOBEMASTER III - NETHERLANDER HOWITZER 2000 - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/141805.html

STRANGE MILITARY AIRPLANE - IT LANDS ON ITS TAIL! XFY-1 POGO CONVAIR - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/141840.html

STRANGE CASTLES AROUND THE WORLD - 6 - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/141849.html

STRANGE WOODEN COMPUTER - 11 - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/141855.html

AMAZING HYDROPLANE FLIP - CRASH - DRIVER "WALKS" ACROSS THE WATER! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/141866.html

AMAZING SURFING PICTURE - WAITING FOR THE PERFECT WAVE! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/141867.html

STRANGE OPTICAL ILLUSION ANTI-DRINKING & DRIVING SIGN! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/141868.html

STRANGE CHINESE 'UFO' PICTURE - ALIEN CRAFT? - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/141869.html

STRANGE "WATERMELON" CAR - RED ON THE INSIDE! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/141870.html

STRANGE DOGGIE PALS - HOW ABOUT A HUG! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/141876.html

STRANGE LITTLE "PEA" CAR - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/141877.html

STRANGE WRESTLING HOLD - THE CRAB! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/141878.html

RUSSIAN POLICE OFFICE TAKES A BRIBE FROM RICH BLONDE - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/141879.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SZ - WATER - FRESH WATER - Lakes - Ponds - Fish - Amphibians - Rivers - Ducks

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/100669_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Strange Alcohol Trivia - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/141638.html

Strange Way That Countries Got Their Names - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/141872.html

Laugh, It's Good For You - Even Diabetics! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/141873.html

Strange "Toothpick" Facts - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/141874.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SZ - WATER - FRESH WATER - Lakes - Ponds - Fish - Amphibians - Rivers - Ducks

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/102_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

Vol 721 - Aug 17, 2008 - At The Beep.........

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

NEW! - MySpace Members - Please NOTE that we have just added a TAB on
each Joke Page and Image Page that NOW Makes it Easy for you to add
"Strange" Items to your Individual MySpace pages! Just CLICK on
the Bottom Right MySpace ICON! It's Quick & Easy!

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

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==================================

Strange Quotes - Things You Shouldn't Do.....

"Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing." - Buddy Hackett

"Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected, then get even." - James Carville

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin

"Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity." - Nick Diamos

"Never believe in mirrors or newspapers." - Tom Stoppard

"Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon." - Jilly Cooper

"Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - Miss Piggy

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - At The Beep..

AT THE BEEP..."

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

1980 AMERICAN MOTORS CONCEPT 'JAVELIN' - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/140887.html

HUGE MOTH! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/141053.html

STRANGE LIGHTHOUSES - ENOSHIMA, JAPAN - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/141127.html

MALGORZATA DYDEK - SUPER TALL - RUSSIAN ARMY BASKETBALL - 3 - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/141264.html

STRANGE "SEE THROUGH" GRAND CANYON BRIDGE - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/141564.html

MILITARY CARGO PLANE - ALL DRESSED UP! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/141600.html

OLDE PIX - STEELWORKERS HAVE LUNCH ON SKYSCRAPER I-BEAMS! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/141698.html

STRANGE "GUPPY" CARGO PLANE - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/141700.html

STRANGE AQUA CAR - 2 - THE AQUADA - WATERSKIING! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/141706.html

MONKEY LIKES THE PICTURES YOU TOOK! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/141712.html

STRANGE "PIMPED" MOTORCYCLE WITH SIDECAR - 4 - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/141724.html

STRANGE TANK EQUIPMENT - HUGE LIFT! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/141769.html

6 MILITARY JETS IN FORMATION! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/141773.html

STRANGE RIOT SQUADS - EURO DISNEY? - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/141777.html

STRANGE AK-47 GUN FIRE - STOP THAT! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/141778.html

STRANGE BRITISH POLICE - CUTE LITTLE CONVERTIBLES! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/141780.html

STRANGE JAPANESE TRAIN CAR - WITH NURSERY & BABY CRIB! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/141788.html

JOSEPH STALIN'S 1957 LADA - RUSSIAN CAR - 1 - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/141798.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SZ - HORSES - Ponies - Stallions - Rodeo - Jumping

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/100682_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

9 Strange Uses for Beer - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/141635.html

Strange Irish Toasts - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/141636.html

Comments Made in 1957 - Amazing! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/22953.html

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[b3ta] "What's the name of the condition that killed off..."

...a popular black singer who was a hit with all the
chicks - STROKE! - damn right!
This Week:
* EXPERIMENT - Electric kettle vs. gas hob
* WIN - Write a limerick and nab Joel's Album
* WEEBL - tribute to Ladytron

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"

B3ta email 341 - 15 Aug 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue341/

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsub: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Too hung over on Saturdays to play football?

The Premiership kicks off on Saturday, so sign
up to The Times Fantasy Football and pick your
team today. You have £100milion to spend on
players from the Prem and SPL. Register a team
for £3, or get 3 teams for 6 quid. The prize
fund is £100,000
http://tinyurl.com/5d5oat

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Scrambled webs, boiled water, Weebl & limericks

>> Interweb anagrammator <<
"You've probably all seen the 'Paomnnehel
pweor of the hmuan mnid' text before," blurts
xlcus, "but now you can try reading your
favourite websites in the same style!" This is
fricking awesome, although reading the b3ta
message-board through it made our eyes hurt
after a bit.
http://readingtest.sytes.org/

>> Electric kettle vs. gas hob <<
JimM steps into the surprisingly controversial
debate 'is it cheaper to boil water via kettle
or hob?' "A kettle is more efficient, but
since gas is about a quarter of the price of
electricity, it's cheaper to make a cup of tea
using gas. The difference is a whopping 0.4p."
And blow us down if he hasn't gone and done an
experiment to prove it!
http://snipurl.com/kettleytwats [srimech_blogspot_com]

>> Weebl and Bob <<
Peculiarly, Jonti brings us his take on
Ladytron's You Destroy Everything You Touch
vid. Weebl and Bob are snowy mountains, they
sing about pie.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/destroy/

>> Win Joel's album! <<
Just by jotting down a quick (and preferable
obscene) limerick you could win one of five
signed copies of the swanky new Seven Seconds
of Love album. For those who prefer their
albums unbesmirched by band members' inky
scrawls, here's a direct link to grab it from
amazon too!
http://b3ta.com/links/Write_a_limerick_and_win_Joels_album
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001D7NTTI/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
There will be Blood

As part of our occasional series on bodily fluids,
we wanted your bloody stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/blood/

* PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND - "I used to live three guys
and another girl. Sarah had issues with Alice,
the girlfriend of one of the guys, Jay. We never
discovered why, but S would badmouth A when she
wasn't there and ignore her when she was. [Duh,
she was in love with J, Ed.] Alice would stay over
a fair amount but the rest of us got on with her
fine as she was doing a catering course and had a
real passion for cooking. Sarah was out drinking,
we'd stayed in getting drunk. And high. And then
we got the munchies. Rummaging in the kitchen we
discovered two of those little bottles of fake
blood. "Oooh" thought our twisted drunken minds,
"Fun!" Fun translated into throwing blood at each
other and all over the kitchen, posing for pictures
with blood stained knives and so on. Then the door
bell rang and Alice arrived, somewhat confused by
us looking like we had been mauled by werewolves.
More drinking and smoking and we must have passed
out because the next thing I remember was a scream
and a loud thud. Turns out Sarah has arrived home,
seen us covered in blood and unmoving in the lounge
then gone into the kitchen where Alice was cleaning
the blood off the knives and walls, instantly
concluded that Alice was a psycho knife welding
maniac murderer, screamed, turned to run out the
house, misjudged it and smacked into the door frame
knocking herself clean out. As the only sober person,
Alice then had to drive Sarah to the hospital with
Jay. He reported the journey as being uncomfortably
hilarious, although the girls did get on slightly
better afterwards." (The Grammar Badger)

* NO LONGER BLONDE - "My best friend at school had
a heart defect which meant regular cardiovascular
tests at Gt Ormond Street Hospital that needed a
healthy chum for comparison. After hours of blowing
into tubes and running on treadmills we were rewarded
with a trip to Madame Tussauds. We were very impressed
by waxworks of such heroes as Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Mel Gibson. Then my friend started a nosebleed
(a not uncommon occurrence for him), but his mother
was out of sight and we had no tissues between us.
Thinking quickly, we followed signs to the bathroom
as blood began to seep between the fingers clenched
over his nose. Spotting an exit we dashed into a
stairwell where, finally giving up, my friend leant
over the rail and released his nose. An impressive
fountain of blood gushed forth, but surely here it
could do no harm? Unfortunately, the stairwell was
not empty. Closer inspection revealed a flexible
metal ladder descending from the ceiling above, and,
dangling one floor below us as if from a helicopter,
her trademark turquoise jumpsuit slowly staining
purple and her lovely blonde hair now soiled with
blood and snot, was the pride of Madame Tussauds'
waxwork collection - the legendary Anneka Rice."
(wellgroomedwookiee)

* I GO WITH HO'S - "The bloodmobile had come to
town and I was explaining to my team at work why I
couldn't donate blood. Me: "I've recently had
inoculations so they couldn't use my blood."
Michelle: "Me too, they said I could give blood in
a year or so though." Paul: "I couldn't give blood
because I've recently had the 'flu." Ian: "They
didn't want my blood because I've had sex with
prostitutes..." Every head turned to look at Ian
and our manager spat coffee over his keyboard."
(Colonel Dracula)

>> This Week's Question <<

What priceless junk have you lost because someone
just threw it out?? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thrownaway/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Periodic table of awesoments <<
Useful reference to the 118 fundamental
"awesoments" that compose all good things. You
can predict how awesoments will interact by
their relationship and position on the table.
http://www.dapperstache.com/index.php?contenttype=ptoa&title=ptoa

>> Internet meme time line <<
Comprehensive chronological arrangement of
major internet memes. It's interesting looking
back through to those olden days, when a
dancing baby and a coffee pot were sufficient
to hold the world rapt. We vainly tried to
scroll into the future and save work compiling
next week's newsletter.
http://www.dipity.com/user/tatercakes/timeline/Internet_Memes

>> Wooden mirror <<
Still using glass mirrors? Ha! You loser! Wood
is for the win!
http://snipurl.com/iwood [www_environmentalgraffiti_com]

>> Inanimate faces <<
You know your car? That post-box? Your stereo?
The plug socket? The zip on your trousers?
They're ALL LAUGHING AT YOU! Put on your
tinfoil hat!
http://flabbergastedly.com/?p=96

>> eBay dirty laundry in public <<
Scorned wife puts up an auction purely for the
purpose of telling the world of her husband's
cheating ways. AAA++ amusing read. Probably
would not buy again though.
http://snipurl.com/ebastards [cgi_ebay_com]

>> The quest for every beard <<
This hirsute chap has made it his goal to grow
and wear every type of facial hair ever to be
catalogued. Basically, he's saved you months
of effort to look like a dick-head - some
styles are decidedly inferior to a naked chin.
http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-types/

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
You've Been Framed's rejected clips

>> Dark Knight trailer by kids <<
Promo for the latest Batman offering, acted
entirely by children. Cute stuff. Next, an
advert for Bugsy Malone performed by capering
pensioners.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/dark_knight_trailer_done_by_kids

>> The Electronic Frontier 1993 <<
BBC Two documentary from Ye Olde Days of Yore.
Fascinating glimpse of the pre-Web techie
world with people talking about 'email' and
'personal computers' and fearing the soaraway
growth of something called 'Microsoft'.
http://snipurl.com/bbcwoo [waxy_org]

>> Barack Roll <<
A surprising amount of work has gone into
chopping Obama footage to make a splendid new
Rickroll. Truly, there's a frightening pool of
misapplied talent out there.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65I0HNvTDH4

>> Grandpa John's electric pickle <<
Earnest science-type metaphor for allowing the
power of Christianity into your life. We hope
we are never touched by Jesus - it makes your
juices boil out of you as your head catches on
fire.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JYIJPjpCFc

>> Slow-mo lightning <<
Great lightning bolts crawl across the sky
like big fat snakes. Clearly filmed by someone
with a better camera than ours, it has made us
want to stand out in the garden all night, in
the hopes of photographing something amazing.
http://snipurl.com/knockofwood [gizmodo_com]

>> Animal fights really rock <<
Rambling commentary on the foibles of YouTube
clips that has its cake and eats it. Includes
many, many animals attacking and killing each
other with glee, just as Mother Nature
intended.
http://current.com/items/88958813_viral_video_film_school

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Happy as a dog with three (count them!) cocks

>> China's diving cock <<
The logo for diving events at the Beijing
Olympics rises proudly from the waters like a
meaty Excalibur.
http://snipurl.com/cockyeah [en_beijing2008_cn]

>> Billy McAnally <<
80s Playgirl pinup with a curiously strange
name - something for the ladies. Uh, NSFW btw.
Not that we were looking.
http://snipurl.com/billymcanally [www_blackdogue_net]

>> The giant knob forest <<
Local myth says that if a couple sleep in the
clearing at the head of the shaft, when they
awake they will be covered in pine-smelling
cum.
http://nytoo.rumandmonkey.com/b3ta/cdc_sm.jpg

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Recession Challenge

Last week we wanted to see how life would
be changed by recession.

Your favourites included:

* TELETEXT - b3ta is one of the first to feel
the pinch (kingsuperspecial)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8630681

* McQUEEN - our monarch takes to life
behind the counter with great dignity
(starkandy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8628140

* NOTHING - nothing (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8628044

All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/recession/

>> New challenge: The Saddest Picture Ever <<
This week's challenge is simple: make
us cry. We want to see the saddest
picture in the world, ever.
Challenge suggested by doctor dyslexia.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sad/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* RE: RETARDEX - "My dentist recommended
'Retardex' mouthwash," grins Colonel Dracula.
"At the following check-up after 6 months of
using Retardex she told me my teeth were
perfect and gave me a sticker with a big smiley
face that said 'Patient of the day'. I am a
31-year-old accountant, but I went back to work
proudly wearing my sticker grinning like a
mong. I still have the sticker. If I don't get
a sticker next time I might just throw a
tantrum."

* DISSOLVING OYSTER CARDS and sticking them in
watches or magic wands, as recommended a few
issues back, could land you with a fine.
Apparently it's now "the latest craze", which
must make the ticket barriers fun at rush hour.
http://snipurl.com/oysterpoo [london-underground_blogspot_com]

* THE WAR ON TERROR BOARDGAME is dangerous -
official! A copy of b3tard Andrew Sheerin's
satirical game has been confiscated by police
as part of a climate change protesters' weapons
cache.
http://snipurl.com/twatcrime [www_independent_co_uk]

* WEBCAM AIR DRUMKIT - "Saw an interesting air
drum idea in your last issue... so... I thought
I would have a go, raps Wayne. "Try: waving
crazy hands or 'standing in the middle' of shot
or pointing cam at desk and fingers." Didn't
work for us - maybe your luck will be better.
http://glulogic.co.uk/sites/default/files/as3/DrumAnimal.swf

* RECTAL CANCER IS NOT FUNNY snarls
neilasharples. "I would not wish it on anyone.
So ya fucking weirdos I hope your balls turn
black, shrivel and disappear up yer arses." Ah
well, can't please all of the people all of the
time. "Consider me unsubscribed," he continues,
somewhat redundantly.

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME

Write a flash game and win £5k

The competition at E4 continues, and your
newsletter team are in week 3 of writing their
game. We're doing this to encourage YOU to
enter, if that's not clear enough!
http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-03.html

Looking for an actual game rather than our sexy
blitherings? Then try this - it's mental.
http://b3ta.com/links/Its_Intensely_annoying_Japanese_game_time

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* CAPITAL ONE CARD PRINTING - you can now and
your images printed on your credit card. The
T&Cs basically say nothing naughty, so can you
game it? We reckon the trick is to use
symbolism that is obscure to the average
punter, e.g. The Shocker.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shocker_(hand_gesture)

* MAKE A BULLDOG OUT OF BULLDOG CLIPS - but
watch out, he nips.

* SELLOTAPEY FOOD EXPERIMENT - store your food
by wrapping it in sellotape instead of cling
film. How long does it stay fresh? What does it
taste like? When you get your sandwiches out at
work, what looks do you get?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Phlegmcake,
lusoman, We are the lemon, john s duffy,
TommyShanks, and sarahahahah. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via the
great architect.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Authors! Get your book mentioned in the B3ta
newsletter by name-checking us in your novels.
'Tartan noir' writer Christopher Brookmyre has
done just that in crime satire A Snowball in
Hell. The serial killer protagonist posts proof
of his crimes on t'internet. "Christ," he
comments, "The guys at B3ta were using stills
from the video for sick jokes an hour after it
went up."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316027634/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
I'm one of those people that likes to have a
shit while I'm reading. This is also the reason
why I'm banned from Waterstones.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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