Vol 690 - April 30, 2008 - Strange Classified Ads - Real!

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Gravestone Quotes:

"That's All Folks!"
The Man of a Thousand Voices - Mel Blanc
(Hollywood Memorial Park; Hollywood, California)

Truth and History.
21 Men.
The Boy Bandit King --
He Died As He Lived.
William H. Bonney "Billy the Kid"
(Fort Sumner Cemetery; Fort Sumner New Mexico)

Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime - Dean Martin
( Westwood Memorial Cemetery, Los Angeles, California)

Shed not for her the bitter tear
Nor give the heart to vain regret
Tis but the casket that lies here
The gem that filled it sparkles yet
Belle Starr - (Myra Maybelle Shirley)
(Belle Star Cabin; Porum, Oklahoma)

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Classified Ads - Real!

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers .

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience

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Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

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STRANGE WOODEN ITEMS - ROOM - BOOK SHELF - TABLE - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/137099.html

STRANGE LITTLE CARS - 1957 VELAM ISETTA - 2 - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137246.html

"SCARY" WATER BALLOON COMING! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/137448.html

STRANGE DEER RUNNING FAST ACROSS LAKE! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/137454.html

STRANGE PIERCINGS - HAND & NOSE! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137470.html

COMMERCIAL JET BUMPS TAIL ON LANDING - DAMAGE - LUFTHANSA - 1 - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/137484.html

TINY LITTLE BABY MONKEY - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/137499.html

DOG JUMPS INTO POOL - SAVES CAT! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/137501.html

STRANGE "PUMPKIN" COMPUTER TOWER - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/137502.html

STRANGE "WOODEN FRAME" BICYCLES - 2 - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/137506.html

BBC JOB REJECTION LETTER OFFERS GEEK GOOD ADVICE - DON'T CALL H.R. LADY SKANK HO! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/137528.html

STRANGE FOREIGN COP UNIT - BAZOOKA BRIGADE ON DIRT BIKES! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/137529.html

STRANGE AUTO SECURITY DEVICE - A BICYCLE LOCK FOR A CAR! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/137547.html

STRANGE 3 WHEEL VEHICLE - HUGE BACK WHEEL! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137571.html

STRANGE OLDE PIX - JESSE JAMES IN HIS COFFIN! 1882 - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/137573.html

STRANGE BRA'S - FROM TROPICAL FISH TO HOG HEADS! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/137575.html

BOXING LEFT HOOK TO THE JAW! - KNOCK OUT - LOOK AT THE REF! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/137603.html

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The Featured Pix Category This Week - Strange Products - Gimmicks - Items - Inventions

http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/category/100475_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Retirement Plan Investment Tip - BETTER Than Your 401-K ! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/137378.html

The Latest Political Humor - O'Brien - Leno - Letterman - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/137599.html

Strange Statistics - Guns vs. Doctors - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/137600.html

Strange Fish Facts... - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/133187.html

Strange "Standard Disclaimer" - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/132931.html

Strange Witticisms - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/132946.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - Strange Products - Gimmicks - Items - Inventions

http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/category/110_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

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Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

Vol 689 - April 27, 2008 - She was Sooooooo Blonde.....

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Our Town Is So Small...

our city limits signs are both on the same post!

the City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell

the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch

the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2

the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions

the phone book has only one page

there's nothing doing every minute

the ZIP code was a fraction

Second Street is in the next town over

there's no place to go that you shouldn't

a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes

the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog

the New Year's baby was born in October

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - She was Sooooooo Blonde..

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
..she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..she thought General Motors was in the army.
..she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
..she tripped over a cordless phone.
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put "Sagittarius."
..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
..she studied for a blood test.
..she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..she sold the car for gas money!
..when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
..when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
..she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
..she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
..she had a shirt that said "TGIF" which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE CHURCH "MARQUEE'S" AND SIGNS - BAPTISTS! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/137011.html

MONSTER TRUCKS! - FLYING - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/137187.html

STRANGE RIOT POLICE - LOOKING LIKE DARTH VADERS! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/137334.html

ELIICA - STRANGE 8 WHEEL CAR - TOP DOWN VIEW - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137371.html

STRANGE PAINT JOBS - AUTO HOOD - 'EYE' SEE YOU! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137410.html

STRANGE SKYDIVING - BASE JUMPERS - NORWAY CLIFF - 2 - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/137420.html

WORLD'S TALLEST MOTORCYCLE - IT'S HUGE - "DREAM BIG" - 2 - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/137435.html

WORLDS LARGEST SHIP - KNOCK NEVIS - SUPERTANKER - 3 - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/137441.html

STRANGE SUPERMAN PRANK - HOW TO FLY! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/137445.html

STRANGE ASIAN HOUSE BUILT ON NATURAL FORMATION IN THE WATER! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/137446.html

PREGNANT OR BEER GUT? - MINES BIGGER THAN YOURS! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137449.html

WILD GREEN PARAKEETS TAKING A BATH WITH A PIGEON LIFEGUARD? - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/137453.html

PIGEON ON TOP OF STATUES HEAD - HE KNOWS! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137455.html

SWIMMING DANGERS - PADDLEBOARD PAL - SHARK! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/137465.html

COOL OIL PLATFORM - SEAFOX! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/137469.html

SWIMMING/DIVING FROM A BOAT - BE CAREFUL! SUPER WEDGIE! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137471.html

STRANGE 3-D PICTURES - PARAKEETS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/137481.html

STRANGE MONKEY FAMILY ON THE MOVE - CROSSING THE ROAD! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137500.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - TOMBSTONES - DEATH - Caskets - Funerals

http://www.strangepersons.com/content/category/100331_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

IgNobel Awards Honor 'Dead' Man, Murphy's Law - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/137366.html

Understanding Australian Slang - Caution ! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/22475.html

Strange Quotes from England - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/21553.html

I Just Want To Thank You For Your 'Idiot" E-mails! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/137377.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - Professionals - MD's, Lawyers, Police, etc.

http://www.strangepersons.com/content/category/112_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

[b3ta] "Redditch to be location for 'Man in a Suitcase' remake"

This Week:
* RAP - Why tea is great
* SONG - Made from *real* YouTube comments
* VID - Tetris the Movie!

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Celebrating 119.013698
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | 63013698630136986301369
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| 86301 years of Hitler"

B3ta email 325 - 25 Apr 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue325/

Prescott's Diet: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
McKeith's Diet: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Paris must die

Croissant? Check. Stripy shirt and beret?
Check. 'The Idiot's Guide To Marcel Marceau'?
Check. Suitable attire and equipment for
combatting a monster hell-bent on destroying
the city of Paris? Now why the Dickens would I
need that?
http://tinyurl.com/4zojxf


>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Tea, Comments, Cocks and Soap Opera Deaths

>> Tea rap <<
"Fill your cup with joy and dance till your
tea-bags burst," bids Moog. It's an odd,
extremely English rap about the wonders of tea.
Very good indeed.
http://b3ta.com/links/Elemental_Cup_Of_Brown_Joy_Dir_Moog

>> The REAL YouTube comments song <<
"I watched the song made up entirely from
YouTube video comments that was posted in the
newsletter last week," snarls mysticmurray. "I
found it far too joyful, nice and unrealistic.
So I made my own version." Yup, this is far
more like the user comments we're used to.
Wonder how long it will stay up on YouTube with
that sort of language...
http://b3ta.com/links/You_Tube_Comment_Song

>> The Web - with added cocks <<
"My revolutionary program adds cocks to any
website!" ejaculates cr3 joyfully. And there
was universal rejoicing!
http://www.svamp.eu/cocks/?url=http://www.cliffrichard.org/

>> 'Coffee and Croissants' <<
"I made this vid of Tad remixing Madge Bishop's
death scene for Harold," beams swedemason.
"It's from a Neighbours deaths remix EP I made
a while back. Other deaths included Todd
Landers and the mighty Jim Robinson heart
attack." Takes a little while to get going but
is thoroughly peculiar.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Coffee_and_Croissants

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Kids say the cuntiest things

Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.

Last week we wanted your under-age lols.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/kids/

* RUDE KID - 'Possibly the funniest thing I
ever heard about a kid comes from a colleague
of mine. Imagine the scene: breakfast, about
7am, mother and two-year-old son munching on
their toast. All is quiet... no sound save the
ticking of the clock. And then, apropos of
absolutely nothing, junior speaks.
"Mummy?"
"Yes, darling?"
"CUNT."' (Orin)

* JUNIOR DOGGING - 'My little lad was in the
toddling stage. Now, I didn't know that he had
learned how to climb out of his cot, but I
found out one Sunday morning when I was
enjoying my Sunday "lie in" with the Mrs. I was
really getting into the swing of it, when the
look of mild amusement on my Dearest's face
turned into shocked horror, as my cherubic
son's face appeared above my left shoulder, and
said "Hooray!! Go faster Daddy!!" I put a lock
on the bedroom door that afternoon.' (micmac)

* DRIVING - "My 7 year old goddaughter... We
were all gathered round her dad's car getting
ready to leave, and she jumped in the driver's
seat to pretend that she was the driver.
Everyone sort of laughed and I said, "Go on,
show us all how Daddy drives". She grabs the
steering wheel, her face contorts into sudden
hatred and anger and she screams,
'Gerroutofthefuckingwayyoufuckingtwatwhycant -
youfuckinglookwhereyourefuckinggoingyou -
stupidcuntwhofuckingtaughtyoutodrivedidyou -
seethatfuckingidiotcutmeuplikethatill -
fuckingshowyouyoufuckingidiot,' then smiles and,
happily kicking her little legs, toots the
horn. Never laughed so much in my life." (I
have run out of coke)

>> This Week's Question <<
When animals attack. Ok it's a bit SKY TV circa
1999, but Murdoch knows best.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/animals/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Toys' inner robots <<
Gallery of the peculiar machinery lurking under
the fluff of those animated kids' toys. They
bear little resemblance to the outer shell,
although it's sometimes hard to decide which is
the creepier. Barney the Dinosaur is a
particularly good example.
http://www.mattkirkland.com/ursum.html

>> Dog-to-unicorn transformation kit <<
Pretty much what it says in the title. It's the
little hoof-shoes that make it for us.
http://www.mcphee.com/resources/april08/unidog.html

>> Hidden cock drawings <<
That school rough-book classic, a crudely-drawn
male member flimsily disguised as some other
sort of doodle. In this case, you can press a
button to reveal the rudeness underneath.
Checking out this site while ordering pizza the
other night led to Ginger Fuhrer Rob
inadvertently barking, "Show me penis!" down
the phone, which was highly mortifying.
http://peniscamouflage.com/gallery

>> Wikipedia edit map <<
A world map that shows the location of page
edits on wikipedia, almost in real time. A
nerdy treat.
http://www.lkozma.net/wpv/index.html

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: RETRO GAMING TWITS
When forums turn nasty...

>> Did piracy kill Imagine? <<
Bit of a long read but worth it if you're
interested in the subject. Veteran games
marketer Bruce Everiss's blog musings about the
effects of computer game piracy spark a heated
debate, as extremely well-informed readers
move in to shoot him down.
http://snipurl.com/monkeoncorner

>> Hitchhiker's II game back story <<
Data salvaged from a discarded hard drive
reveals the scrambling and back-biting as the
bottom fell out of Infocom's planned sequel its
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy game.
Interestingly, people involved in the actual
events pop up in the comments section to give
their own take on it.
http://snipurl.com/monkeoncorner2

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TARDED JOBS
Not just lols, we want to give you work

>> Photoshop for the MI5 <<
B3tards! Want to put your photoshopping skills
to good use for queen and country? Why not
join the spooks and stick cocks on Muslims'
heads for fun and profit!
http://www.mi6.gov.uk/output/Page688.html

>> Sex-Worker Re-Entry Co-ordinator <<
Who says working for the council is dull?
Absolutely priceless.
http://www.hips.org/Jobs.html#Re-entryCoordinator

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: THE GREAT B3TA CASH MACHINE DEBATE
Can you get free cash or what?

Last week we asked whether it was possible to
rip off the bank by withdrawing money from a
cash point, removing one of the notes and
letting the machine swallow the rest back up.
Caused a full mail bag, comments include:

* STUDENT LOSER SAYS NO - "I did this a lot
when I was a poor student about 12 years ago
- but got stung big time. It is true that if
you request £50, you can slip the middle note
out (either a £10 or £20) and then wait a
minute, before the cash is pulled back in and
the withdrawal cancelled. The perfect crime,
so I thought. Only I started to get greedy
and do it to every ATM on the way home after
nights out. I would be getting pissed and
waking up with £50 more in my pockets than I
went out with. This went on for about 6 weeks
before the bank cottoned on and I suddenly
found that about £800 vanished from my
account overnight. I had already spent the
cash, so was financially fucked for the rest
of the term." (son of crazymum)

* STAFFER SAYS NOT ANYMORE - "About a year
ago I did a stint testing ATMs for the
Halifax. The banks got wise to that one a
long time ago. Any money you see gets
debited, whether you take it or whether it
returns inside for Howard to gleefully press
against his lovely warm cockflaps."
(cheesymarmite)

* CASH MACHINE CODER GETS DEFINITIVE - And
we'll quote this in full, "It is true than
money is indeed retracted into a divert bin
if it is not taken within a specified time.

"In NCR (NDC+) and Diebold-based ATMs (the
most popular message protocol by far), the
ATM will deliver a status message to the host
computer informing the host that a retract
operation was performed. However, the number
of notes retracted is NOT reported and an
automatic reversal of the transaction is not
performed. A bank clerk will open the divert
cassette at the start of the next business
day and record how many notes were retracted.

"The bank's standpoint is that once the money
is presented to you in the open air, that
money is your responsibility. If you do not
take the money, and it is retracted, then you
will need to pick up the matter with your
bank in order to get the money back. It is
not automatically re-credited.

"If the amount of your complaint agrees with
the amount diverted to the divert cassette,
and this agrees with the ATM reporting a
retract at the correct date and time, then
you will usually be credited.

"If, however, you attempt to remove one note
from the bundle of notes, and they are
retracted -- then you subsequently try to
claim the full amount back -- you will (at
best) be only credited with the number of
notes which were retracted, or (at worst) be
prosecuted for attempted fraud." (Cheerful
Attic Spider, B3ta user and Product
development director for ACI Worldwide,
developer of BASE24, the world leader in ATM
transaction processing software.)

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
VHS or B3tamax?

>> Tetris The Movie <<
It's a genuinely brilliant gag, not just
because the concept of a Tetris movie is funny,
but because these guys have nailed the precise
approach Hollywood would take. From the
portentous narration ("Life is just...
blocks... trying to fit together to make
lines... and that's... who we are."), to the
cheesy futurism, to the hilarious
reconceptualisation of Tetris as an extreme
sport, to the scene where an impressive new
competitor takes off his helmet to reveal that
he is a she, it's perfect, and totally
familiar. Not to mention the fact that it gets
the trailer format down pat: the text appearing
as Russian before turning into English, the
generic rock soundtrack, the triumphant last
Tetris drop followed by the title screen - it's
an almost transcendent parody. (Thanks to
Helmsdeep for this more analytical write up
than usual.)
http://black20.com/black20-trailer-park/tetris-movie

>> Vote Zippy for London Mayor <<
Here at B3ta HQ we make no apologies for our
love of Ken and loathing of Boris. Most of this
is based on our liking for buses and on Boris's
silly, posh voice and wanker's haircut. We must
confess that we hadn't really listened to any
of their speeches as intently as when they were
turned into puppets. Fat, pink, bumbling Boris
becomes fat, pink, bumbling George, the Lib Dem
one becomes Bungle while Ken becomes Zippy and
gets the best lines. Weirdly, of course, this
also makes Jeremy Paxman into Geoffrey.
http://snipurl.com/bunch-of-muppets

>> Human Tetris <<
The second Tetris link and this one is by the
French. We've seen a lot of video game stop
motion stuff, but this is a particularly fine
example. And all the more surprising, coming as
it does from the nation known for eating
horses, wearing berets and worst of all, mime.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0LtUX_6IXY

>> Exorcist spiderwalk <<
Pretty much doing what it says on the tin, and
not something to try at home unless you're bit
of a amateur gymnast. We don't want to be
responsible for the premature deaths of any
internet fatties trying to recreate this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfGSeD_fumQ

>> Cockatoo Dancing <<
Backstreet Boys, according to wikipedia (and we
just had to check), are still a going concern.
So here's hoping that they sign up our
feathered friend for the next world tour. And
don't be surprised if their rider includes a
box of trill, a cuttle-fish and a mirror with
bells on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j_fxs8mUcQ

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring 'things that look like cocks quarterly'

* YET ANOTHER PHALLIC LOGO - a great new
entry, complete with hands that lovingly cup
the shaft.
http://www.assisticare.com

* YET ANOTHER PHALLIC LOGO #2 - it would be
amiss to not mention this governmental stickman
wanking off, which has been sent in about 50
times to b3ta, 5 times to your Ginger Fuhrer's
personal inbox and has even been stalking us on
facebook / twitter et al.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/04/22/ogc_logo/

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Beatles Challenge

Last week we wanted you to manipulate The
Beatles.

Your favourites included:

* DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION #9 - look at the
little fellows move! (Caustic Armadillo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8302795

* TWO VIRGINS - appalling yet strangely alluring
sex-swap travesty (M3Essential)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8296581

* TOES - we think Paul is the second one from
the right, but we're not sure (rjmrjm)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8298451

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/beatles/

>> New challenge: Extreme Gladiators <<
They're bringing back Gladiators and spicing it
up with new challenges, more spandex etc. What
could they do to *really* amp it up? Challenge
suggested by kenriise.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xxx/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* PENIS LAMP SHADE - Josh04 ejaculates, "One of
my mates held a particularly decadent party a
few months ago, and was most unsettled when he
woke up in the morning (two days later) and
found that someone had drawn a large cock
across his light-bulb, rather effectively
projecting it onto his wall. He never did find
out who'd done it." We blame b3tards.

* STARBUCKS VS MCDONALDS DEBATE RUMBLES ON -
Rushy splutters through full-fat foam, "I think
Starbucks probably clinch it as you get free
sugar. Once you've bought the coffee with the
highest calorific value, just nick all the
sugar and boost your calories even further!"
Yes, Rushy, but in MaccyD's you can get
unlimited free ketchup. And special mayo if you
ask nicely.

* PILLOW STAIN ANALYSIS, SexualCarrots writes,
"A bed saleswoman once told me the stains on
your pillows are from your sweat mixing with
dust mite poo." Whilst therealwtf counters
with, "Your sweat and drool turns brown due to
the zillions of bacteria and creatures which
live in the pillow and eat said sweat/drool and
leave behind residue."


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* MILKY DUCK - we invented a cocktail for
tramps earlier this week, based upon what we
were buying from Coop. Containing both milk and
toilet duck, we'd like you to have a go, take
photos but possibly not drink it. Unless you
want to score maximum points that is.

* GROWING WEIRD-SHAPED FRUIT - Japanese
consumers have recently been offered square
watermelons, grown in glass boxes. Surely YOU
could do better? Cock-shaped bananas? Carrots
with tits? Pumpkins with built-in faces for
Halloween?

* SEXY WOMEN TO GIVE US MONEY - oops, sorry,
caught us day-dreaming again.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by gronkpan, Chopper3,
keepbritaintidy, thefoggypoo, lilsinister,
seekew, centurion_07, zh84, bobloblaw,
communiq-8, adm105 Subjlols via The Great
Architect. Masthead minilol via Cockweasle.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. WOO
to b4ta.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
If your little brother is doing his 'oh so
important' GCSE coursework... Access the
autocorrect function in Word, and replace
"Analysis" with "Anal Sex". 9 times out of 10
they won't notice until they've handed it in.
(Furness)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

-------------------------------------------------
NOT VERY SICKIPEDIA BUT WE LIKE IT:

My mate Sid was a victim of ID theft. He's
just called S now.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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Vol 688 - April 23, 2008 - The Bible for Dummies

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

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Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Quotes About "Television"

MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980's. - Doug Ferrari

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks. - Eric Sevareid

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. - Frank Lloyd Wright (1869 - 1959)

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work. - Gallagher

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. - Johnny Carson (1925 - 2005)

I think that parents only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids. - Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Death, 1997

If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives. - Marlon Brando (1924 - 2004)

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - The Bible for Dummies

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Submitted by Kelly H.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

CRAZY CAT - GET OFF MY BACK! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/136824.html

1913 CLEVELAND BRIDGE ACCIDENT - SCRIPT AVENUE - SHIP COLLISION - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/137167.html

HIPPO SURROUNDED BY A SEA OF PINK FLAMINGOS! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/137266.html

TINY BABY MARMOSET! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137267.html

STRANGE CAT WITH BLACK MUSTACHE! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137277.html

STRANGE LIZARD WITH LONG TONGUE SNATCHES FLY OFF LITTLE KIDS TONGUE! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/137281.html

STRANGE CAR PAINT JOB - GET A GRIP! BAD DRIVER? - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/137287.html

DANGEROUS STORMS - SHIP CRASHING THROUGH HUGE WAVE! - 4 - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/137295.html

STRANGE INSURANCE AD - WHY WE INSURE WOMEN ONLY! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/137300.html

STRANGE CELEBRITY COUPLES - CAMERON DIAZ & JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/137324.html

US NAVY PATROL BOAT - HADITHA, IRAQ - 12-20-17 - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/137328.html

STRANGE RIOT POLICE - CHASING A TERRORIST ON A CAMEL! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/137331.html

STRANGE RIOT POLICE - NOT CLOWNING AROUND! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/137333.html

MY STRANGE TOYOTA WORK TRUCK - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/137351.html

STRANGE FABRIC COVERED ABANDONED GAS STATION - SYRACUSE, NY - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/137352.html

R2-D2 - THE ANTIQUE 'WOOD' VERSION! - STAR WARS DROID - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137359.html

STRANGE SPORTS BANNER - RUSSIAN SOCCER GAME - NASTY! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/137360.html

GARBAGE MEN MAD AT CAR BLOCKING ACCESS - BLOCK CAR! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137361.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - * STRANGE PEOPLE - Scary & Just Plain Dumb!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/31_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Strange But True Animal Facts - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/137362.html

Strange But True Shark Facts - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/137363.html

Strange But True Facts About the Earth - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/137364.html

Strange Jail Sentences - The Longest - 10,000 Years! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/137365.html

Rejected State Motto's - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/21148.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week = College - University - High School - Teachers - Professors

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/110_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

Vol 687 - April 20, 2008 - Strange Hospital Chart Notations

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Quotes:

"A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14." - Unknown

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it..." -- Oprah Winfrey

"It's the friends you can call up at 4:00 a.m. that really matter…" -- Marlene Dietrich

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." - Oprah Winfrey

"I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out." - Dolly Parton

"Don't tell anyone. I'm supposed to be dumb." - Former supermodel Helena Christensen admits she can speak six languages

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Hospital Chart Notations

Strange Hospital Chart Notations

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE MAILBOXES - SCORPION - WITH STINGER! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/136456.html

STRANGE "PEACEFUL" USE OF WEAPONS - GLASS TOP TABLE - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/136746.html

WATER SPORTS FUN - SAILBOARDING - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/137071.html

FAST FOOD MENU AND PRICES FROM NOVEMBER - 1963! HAMBURGER $.15! - THE RED BARN - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137147.html

1889 STAGECOACH - DEADWOOD - MULES - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/137157.html

MONSTER TRUCKS! - CRASHING! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/137185.html

HUGE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED COWS & BULLS - 6 - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137203.html

STRANGE LIVING ROOM FURNITURE - ONLY 'SPOT' THE DOG IS MISSING! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/137209.html

STRANGE WEDDINGS - BRIDES & GROOMS ACTING GOOFY! - 10 - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137224.html

STRANGE WEDDINGS - BRIDES & GROOMS ACTING GOOFY! - 4 - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137230.html

SPACE SHUTTLE - PIGGYBACK RIDE ATOP 747 - HEADING TO THE MOON? - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137239.html

STRANGE "MUSHROOM" CLOUD! - AMAZING THUNDERHEAD! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/137244.html

STRANGE LITTLE CARS - 1957 VELAM ISETTA - 3 - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/137245.html

STRANGE SCUBA DIVING SPORT - UNDERWATER GOLF! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/137249.html

WOMENS BEACH VOLLEYBALL - BUMP TO THE SETTER - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/137253.html

MOUNTAIN SHEEP - DANGEROUS PASSAGE! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/137265.html

CREATIVE MEN FIX THE BROKEN WHIRLPOOL! AMAZING! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/137276.html

STRANGE "PEACEFUL" USE OF WEAPONS - ROCKING CHAIR - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/136749.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - ANIMATIONS - GIF'S - POWER POINT PRESENTATIONS

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/55_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

My Private Part Died Today! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/137150.html

Real Names of Celebrities - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/112479.html

Military Rules - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/110476.html

Top 20 Oxymorons - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/110790.html

14 Things You Really Should Have Done Before Getting Married - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/112808.html

British Double Entendres - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/112930.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - Professionals - MD's, Lawyers, Police, etc.

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/112_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

[b3ta] "[insert unfunny Mark Speight 'joke' here]"

This Week:
* VID - Retro internet
* PICS - Trailer trash mugshots
* READ - Huge Steve Albini 'interview'

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___ "if you close your
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | eyes, it's no different
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to being fucked hard up
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the arse by a woman."

B3ta email 324 - 18 Apr 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue324/

Spitty schoolboy: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Greenie Cameron: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: AMAZING COMEDY NIGHT
Sponsored linky

Tuesday 22nd April 2008, 7.30pm - 11pm. Mirth
Control, The Fouricci Sequence and The George
are proud to present Brendan Dempsey, Mette Lisby,
Elliot Tiney, Arjun Medhi & Stacey Squib PLUS
SPECIAL GUESTS @ The George 213 Strand, London
WC2. All for £5 entry! Get clicky! (£ 2.50 if you
sign up on the B3ta Calendar)
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/13636

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than earwax stains on the desk

>> Retro internet <<
Amusing eighties throwback documentary by
weareace, purporting to show how this
futuristic 'internet' thing will work. Of
course, it fails to do so, but in entertaining
fashion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Internet

>> Random Proverb Generator <<
A call for content in last week's newsletter
opened the floodgates, as a veritable horde of
techie b3tards wrote their own proverb-mashing
machines. Area writes, "Here's my (quick and
dirty) proverb generator. 'Doctors make the
very worst love and war' is my favourite so
far." We also like 'A bad workman blames your
cloth.' and 'A friend in need is in the bush.'
http://server52204.uk2net.com/b3taproverbs/

>> Pocketless pool <<
SlurpyJ has recently been busy redubbing
sporting events. This 'pocketless pool'
particularly impressed us, as we initially
thought he'd built a huge set and filled it
with a fake sporting tournament.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pocketless_Pool

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Phobias

Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.

Last week we asked what scares the willies out
of you? (Providing, of course, you had willies
inside you in the first place):
http://b3ta.com/questions/phobias/

* INVISIBLE TOUCH - "Fingers+Face=Fear,
Paranoia and Freak-out. Anyone lightly poking
my face so that they are barely touching it
sends me into a panic fit. The lighter they do
it, the worse it is. I can't cope with it, it
makes me unable to breathe and I feel like I'm
gonna pass out. I stopped telling people when I
realised that people are bastards, and they
will do it to see the subsequent freakout and
me batting at my face like a spakker angry with
his own nose. I thought I was alone in this
strange condition, but when I went to Uni I
found someone else with this weird streak in
them. As a result we have spent many a strange
afternoon sitting in front of one another
lightly touching each others face at the same
time to see who would 'break' first. It truly
is a game with no winners, just two very sad,
demented-looking losers..." (unloved)

* EIGHT-LEGGED FEAR MACHINE - "I'm 7. It's high
summer and I'm on my Auntie's farm, playing
with my cousins. The sun is hot, the barn is
cool. We are climbing the big, stacked, plastic
sacks of animal feed that reach nearly to the
rafters. A perfect game, an idyllic scene.
Chased to the top, I had seemingly vanished: my
lithe 7-year-old frame had posted itself down a
2-foot square gap in the centre of the pile,
and slid about 20 feet to the bottom. I was ok.
Arms and bare legs scratched but the gap was so
tight that my descent was not so rapid. After
much laughter and reassurance, the older girls
ran to get Uncle Gerard and a length of rope.
Alone in the tight dim space, my scratches are
becoming increasingly tickly. Then my eyes
adjust. I'm coated with house spiders. You saw
that coming, didn't you? They were in my long,
thick Irish curls. They were in my t-shirt.
They were creeping up my shorts. Bare-foot I
was stood in an sea of the bastards. They were
still abseiling down onto my upturned face, my
ears, my nostrils, sticking to my tears. I kept
my mouth clamped shut. You know that dry,
crackling sound when you rip spider's web? Every
movement I made. I was alone and unable to move
down there for the longest 10 minutes of my
life. I don't remember my rescue, I must have
blocked it out. There are photos of me being
hosed down by my Auntie to remove them. No-one
ran to hug the spider-child. Apparently I did
not open my mouth, not even to eat or drink,
for almost two days. I did not speak for a
week, catatonic, but screamed in my sleep.
No-one played in the barn again, not even the
boys. I got over it, and maintain just a
healthy mistrust of spiders. I don't like the
hunch of their legs. But if I get a web stuck
over my face..." (hahasnakes)

* DOING ALRIGHT WITH THE BOYS - "Tell us what
innocent things make you go pale, wobbly and
send shivers down your spine"... I'd be
interested to ask Gary Glitter that same
question." (K2k6)

>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stories about the kiddies.
Either you love 'em or you hate 'em. Or in the
case of Fred West - both. Tell us about the
ankle-biters here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/kids/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Trailer trash mugshots <<
If we believe the movies then we believe that
all Americans are really good-looking. Wrong.
This parade of rednecks and freaks could give
Karen Matthews and her a family a run for their
money. If we didn't have the rest of the
newsletter to write, we'd still be clicking
'previous page' and going, "OMG" until we
needed a wee wee so much that it hurt.
http://mugshotdujour.com/

>> Maddie books? <<
Amused to find this selection of books on
Amazon, the titles alone tell a rather dark
little story: Maddie Tries to Be Good, Maddie
in Hospital, Maddie in Danger and our favourite
Maddie Surfs for Cyber-Pals. Wonder if they're
still selling, or the authors are currently
tearing their hair out at the unfortunate
coincidence. We're looking forward to their
next efforts, "Shannon buys some cigs from
Iceland (they're 8p cheaper you know)."
http://snipurl.com/we-have-found-maddie

>> The world's most unlistenable song? <<
Research suggests that the most unappealing
music includes kids singing, songs about
Christmas and holidays, and of course opera. So
what not try and combine them into an unholy
cacophony? The irony is of course, the results
are rather compelling. And sound like one of
Malcolm McLaren's post-punk efforts - rapping
opera? Didn't he do that in Madame Butterfly?
A 25-minute endurance test for your iPod anyway.
http://www.artsjournal.com/quickstudy/2008/04/yo_yo.html

>> Disposal camera art project <<
Guy attaches a disposable camera to a bench for
people to use and collects the film that
evening - these are the results. Not the most
exciting results, but the concept is so lovely
that we feel compelled to tell you about it.
Maybe you'd like to try this on your local
tramp bench?
http://theplug.net/28/strangerphotos.htm

>> Steve Albini mega-thread <<
Music nerds might remember the name Albini, he
famously produced Nirvana's In Utero and was
flavour-of-the-month in the mid 90s. He's still
recording, but he's also a massive poker fan
and hangs out on poker forums shooting the shit
with other card nerds, including this great 50
page+ thread where he answers peoples
questions. Highlights include ragging on Liz
Phair (getting her tits out to sell records),
Billy Coogan (annoying people on the local
scene) and Urge Overkill (not be able to play
their instruments.) He's also passionate about
tape vs digital and the recording process in
general. Highly recommended reading to anyone
interested in making music. BTW: The board
deteriorates about halfway through, when external
sites start linking to it and Steve starts
refusing to answer except in haiku form.
http://snipurl.com/steveblitherson

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Not containing leopards, this week or any week

>> YouTube comments song <<
Entire track made up from comments solicited
from YouTube users. A lyrical masterpiece, as
you might expect.
http://b3ta.com/links/A_entire_song_made_from_Youtube_comments

>> Cats: Engineer's guide <<
It's the monotone delivery that makes this
deadpan guide to pet keeping so effective.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/An_Engineers_Guide_to_Cats

>> High-tech Noon <<
Pretty much the original Gary Cooper film with
a few small visual and audio effects added to
tell the tale of a lone marshal vs a gang
robot killers. We'd love to see this done with
some other movies. When Harry Met Sally maybe.
Hmm. Perhaps not.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/High_Tech_Noon

>> Cat playing a theramin <<
Aww. Bless the little kitty. She has no idea
what's going on but hears the squealing and
assumes she's chewing on something alive.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/cat_playing_a_theramin

>> Microsoft cod-Springsteen <<
Hard to say if this is authentic; it looks like
a video for the MS sales team based on Bruce
Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark.
Simultaneously glossy, competently-made and
lacking any sort of conviction whatsoever.
http://snipurl.com/vistasong

>> Burning shopping trolley robot <<
Yes, it's a trolley pushed by staggering robot
legs that are wreathed in flame. What's most
surprising is how few passers-by even take
notice of what resembles a casualty of some
futuristic automated battle.
http://b3ta.com/links/179738

>> All about the Stylophone <<
Enthusiast Brett Domino explains the history
and workings of the cult musical instrument.
Entertaining tripe.
http://snipurl.com/stylophonebastard

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
More dated 80s schoolyard lols

* MAIL ON SUNDAY - Flo Rida, gangster rapper,
rhyming for Middle England, in the best-named
album since Beyonce did 'B-Day'.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mail_on_Sunday_%28album%29

* PHALLIC LOGO AWARDS, LATE ENTRY - Nivan
spooges, "A penis draws itself in front of
you!?" Weirdly looks like it's about to come,
but then the semen draws back into the shaft,
as if expertly manipulated by Sting.

* STOP SMOKING AIDS - we thought it gave you
cancer.
http://i28.tinypic.com/adkx3l.jpg

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Future Advertising
Challenge

Last week we wanted you predict the
future of advertising.

Your favourites included:

* DYSON - everyone's favourite domestic
cleaning company branch out into lady hygiene
(dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8275185

* TESCO - a terrifying glimpse into the future
of b3ta, unwittingly revealing its corporate
ambitions (Beejster)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8271577

* GILLETTE - it's only a matter of time
(Wildyles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8270304

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/advertising_future/

>> New challenge: The Beatles <<
They're the most iconic band of all time, and
ripe for photoshopping. So that's the
challenge. Simple.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/beatles/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* DARTH VADER QOTW BLOKE FAME - Terry Eden
mechanically wheezes, "You may remember me as
the rather silly boy who got married as Darth
Vader. Thanks to the wonders of the Intertubes,
our story got picked up by purveyors of tat
extraordinaire, Full House Magazine! BTW: My
wife would like it noted that she is 25, not
26."
http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/post127469
http://flickr.com/photos/edent/2413507665/sizes/l/

* STARBUCKS VS MCDONALDS, digignome vomits, "I
maintain that McDonalds is still the clear
winner, since one can buy four Double
Cheeseburgers for the princely sum of £4.76 and
consume a whopping 1,780 calories and 88g of
fat (44g saturated). I can't find reliable
prices for Starbucks, but their most
calorific drink is apparently the "White Cocoa
Breve w/Whip, Venti", at a fantastic 1070
calories. And I'll wager half a nut you can't
buy two for a fiver. Another triumph for the
Golden Arches."

* SUPER TOASTER, our request for a toaster with
bigger springs prompted JimM to burble,
"Hello! You asked for toaster modifications, so
here goes. I did it a few years ago." Hurrah.
http://www.srimech.com/toaster/toaster.html

* HIDING IMAGES IN AUDIO - our mention of this
last week provoked a couple of members to
attempt their own experiments, including B3ta
jukebox favourites - Status Quo.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8285596

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* PILLOW STAIN ANALYSIS - krang enquires, "You
know when you change your pillowcase, and there
are always brown-yellow stains on the pillows
themselves - what are those stains? My
girlfriend says that they're from when you
spill tea when you're in bed, but I reckon
they're some far more sinister residue made of
a combination of snot, dribble, earwax and
tears. Anyone have any empirical evidence on
this? Anyone want to find out?" Our bet: it's
all down to pillow-biting.

* ATM FRAUD QUESTION - Sn0tters wonders,
"Supposedly if your withdraw cash from an ATM
and do not physically remove the cash then
after a certain amount of time the cash is
sucked back in to the machine and your account
is not debited. Is it possible to get someone
to try taking out, say £50 and then slide out
the middle £20, leaving £30 to be sucked back
in and then see if their account is not
debited?"

* PENIS SHADOWS - draw a cock on a lampshade to
make a penis shadow for a wall. Maybe at your
mum's house?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chiff_chiff,
Malchick, Walrus Man, Fishcat, rodmansell,
nivan, qwghlm, and ali_way_2k. Random Proverb
Generators by Happosai, Burton Earny,
notenglishthankgod, hctc, Littlebuddy, Krog3r,
akx, Canazza. Top Tippery by Jeccy. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Mastheadlols: ccc.
Subjlols: Joe Scaramanga.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Increase office morale with a simple game. Wait
until the person sitting next to you is paying
attention to whatever they are doing, then
sneakily try to remove something from their
person. Carry on until the other person spots
you and freaks.

At this point, jump up and shout "BUCKAROO!" as
loud as you can, much to the obvious delight of
your work colleagues.

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
Police are investigating the bigger picture of
Mark Speight's death. It was sent in by 11 year
old Susie from Reading.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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Vol 686 - April 16, 2008 - Strange but Scary Psychological Test

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

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Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange "Fashion" Quotes:

Beauty is but skin deep, ugly lies the bone;
Beauty dies and fades away, but ugly holds its own. - Anonymous

"Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people." - Richard Armour

"Never in the history of fashion has so little material been raised so high to reveal so much that needs to be covered so badly." - Cecil Beaton

"Fashion is in a terrible state. An overdose of too much flesh." - Geoffrey Beene

"Fashion is treated too much as news rather than what it is, what it does and how it performs." - Geoffrey Beene

"The reason the all-American boy prefers beauty over brains is that the all-American boy can see better than he can think." - Farrah Fawcett Majors

"Fashion is made to become unfashionable." - Coco Chanel

"If you are not in fashion, you are nobody." - Lord Chesterfield

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Scary Psychological Test

Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right - including me.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no matter how hard she tried shecould not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer.

(Scroll Down)

Answer:

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly - good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.

Submitted by John P.

==================================

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==================================

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STRANGE FUNERAL - COMPLETE BEDROOM! - FURNITURE AND BAR IN CRPYT! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/137130.html

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AWESOME BATTLESHIP BLAST! - FULL SALVO - 16 INCH GUNS! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/137134.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - OPTICAL ILLUSIONS - PUZZLES - STRANGE ITEMS

http://www.strangepersons.com/content/category/100303_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Moron Complains About an Air Force 'Flyby" - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/136961.html

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Strange Poems - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/137132.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - OPTICAL ILLUSIONS - PUZZLES - STRANGE ITEMS

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==================================

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All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

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Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

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