Vol 977 - Jan. 30, 2011 - Strange 'Paraprosdokian' Sentences.........

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==================================

Strange "Military" Quotes:

"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally." - Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons." -Russian military doctrine.

..At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...

"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis." - from a post-war debriefing of a German General

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange 'Paraprosdokian' Sentences.........

.. Paraprosdokian sentences-- A paraprosdokian (from Greek meaning "beyond" and , meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

AWESOME GREAT PHOTOS IN RECENT HISTORY - PPS PRESENTATION - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172558.html

STRANGE US ARMY MILITARY VEHICLES - MkII - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/172091.html

STRANGE PSYCHEDELIC 3-D OPTICAL ILLUSION - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangefunvideos.com/content/item/172239.html

STRANGE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING DANGERS - RED ROCK BEAUTY - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/172260.html

STRANGE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING DANGERS - TENT ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/172263.html

STRANGE LITTLE MOTORCYCLE DOGGIE - CUSTOM LEATHERS - FLAMES ON FEET! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/172290.html

SNOW OWL ABOUT TO GRAB GOLDFINCH - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/172466.html

STRANGE WEAPONS - GATLING GUNS - NEW & OLD - OLD WEST - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/172610.html

STRANGE PEOPLE IN VERY STRANGE OUTFITS - WALMARTIANS - PPS PRESENTATION - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172620.html

STRANGE TOYS - HUGE MULTI COLORED 'PIG' KITE - FUN! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172621.html

STRANGE VEHICLES - MOTORCYCLE WITH HEARSE SIDECAR! RIP - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172595.html

STRANGE SPORTS - WRESTLING SECRETS - DON'T ASK - DON'T TELL! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/172475.html

OLDE PIXS - GAS STATION SIGN PROTESTING TAXES AT .20 CENTS PER GALLON - EARLY 1940'S - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/172596.html

STRANGE OPTICAL ILLUSION - MOUNTAIN LAKE OR NOT? - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/172597.html

STRANGE TRIPLE BARREL SHOT GUN - ETCHED STOCK - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/172598.html

STRANGE BEER PONG CHART - COLLEGE FUN - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/172602.html

WWII - MARINE CORSAIR FLIGHT OVER FOG SHROUDED GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - SAN FRANCISCO BAY - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/172604.html

STRANGE VEHICLES - TOMMY IVO'S CUSTOM DRAGSTER HAULER - DRAGSTER AND CORVETTE! - 1960'S - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/172605.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - FOREIGN CARS - ITALIAN - GERMAN - FRENCH - EUROPEAN

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100662_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Those Fabulous Jewish Comedians - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/172559.html

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/172570.html

Strange Tech Support Horror Stories - http://www.strangegolf.com/content/item/117267.html

You May Be a High-Tech Redneck if.......... - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/104284.html

Politically Correct Computer Terms - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/24882.html

Smilies - New - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/22245.html

Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/21859.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SV - FOREIGN CARS - ITALIAN - GERMAN - FRENCH - EUROPEAN

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/111_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

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Vol 976 - Jan. 26, 2011 - Strategic Responses to "Do I Look Fat?"

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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Vol 976 - Jan. 26, 2011 - Strategic Responses to "Do I Look Fat?"

==================================

Strange "Food" Quotes:

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. - James A. Beard

The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare. - Ed Begley, Jr.

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. - Sarah Bernhardt

Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are. - Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good. - Alice May Brock

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis (Garfield)

Some people wanted champagne and caviar when they should have had beer and hot dogs. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strategic Responses to "Do I Look Fat?"

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE & GOOFY MAILBOXES - ESPRESSO MACHINE - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/172490.html

A-BOMB TESTING - FIELD ARTILLERY FIRES W-82 NUCLEAR ARTILLERY SHELL - ACTION GIF - EXPLOSION - http://www.strangefunvideos.com/content/item/172541.html

STRANGE SPORTS - SURFING FUN - INSIDE THE CURL RAINBOW OF COLOR! - http://www.strangevacations.com/content/item/172543.html

STRANGE ARTILLERY SHELL SHAPED MUD BUILDINGS IN CAMEROON - - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/172542.html

STRANGE VEHICLES - INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH CAST ALUMINUM MOTORCYCLE - HEAVY DUTY! - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/172545.html

STRANGE VEHICLES - "THE ARCGDUKE" - SEMI-AMPHIBIOUS ICE BREAKING SEMI-SUBMERSIBLE CRAFT USED IN JUNEAU AK PAST 8 YEARS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172546.html

STRANGE OLDE AMUSEMENT PARK RIDES - LOOP DE LOOP MIDGET CARS! - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/172548.html

STRANGE FRENCH ARMY MILITARY TRUCK - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/172090.html

WWII - STRANGE GERMAN FORMATION - SWASTIKA! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/172099.html

LINDSEY LOHAN - DRAMA QUEEN - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/172246.html

STRANGE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING DANGERS - WIDE GAP FOR TWO CLIMBERS TO CROSS! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/172264.html

STRANGE HOTELS AROUND THE WORLD - TIANZI HOTEL - CHINA - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/172280.html

SURFING DANGERS - CATCHING A HUGE WAVE! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/172401.html

STRANGE SPORTS - SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING - FOOT FOR AN ARM? - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/172402.html

STRANGE AMISH SPORTS - HORSE & BUGGY TOW SKIING ! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172405.html

STRANGE BUS BOAT - YELLOW - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/172416.html

HUGE GREAT WHITE SHARK - LITTLE SHARK CAGE - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/172471.html

STRANGE SPORTS - WRESTLER CLINGS TO EDGE OF MAT! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/172474.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SZ - LIZARDS - CHAMELEONS - CRAWLING LONG TAILS ANIMALS

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/101099_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Jokes That Can be Told in Church - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/172509.html

The Stranger......... (MUST READ) - http://www.strangegolf.com/content/item/172544.html

Strange Laws in England - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/25452.html

Insults about Nationalities and by Country - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/25414.html

You Know You're Italian When.... - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/24903.html

Strange Aussie Sayings ! - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/24628.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SZ - LIZARDS - CHAMELEONS - CRAWLING LONG TAILS ANIMALS

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/125_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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Vol 975 - Jan. 23, 2011 - You Might be Trailer Trash, if..

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

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http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange "Last Words!"

"It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...".

"Don't touch the red button!"

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Don't worry it has airbags.

Hey what's that buzzing noise?

Don't worry its not that deep.

One time at band camp.

No, he doesn't bite?.

Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can pass this guy.

My brakes are fine.

Nice doggy.

I think it's trying to communicate...

"Homicidal Tendencies"?

"Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - You Might be Trailer Trash, if..

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this."

8. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

9. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

10. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words to' The Star Spangled Banner' are, "Gentlemen, start your engines".

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

18. You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

19. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

20. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

21. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".

22. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE OLDE STARS & CELEBS - JAYNE MANSFIELD - PLAYING THE VIOLIN WITH HER DOGS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/171844.html

NEW SNIPER SPOTTING EQUIPMENT - ELBOW UNIT PROVIDES WHERE AND HOW FAR - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/172088.html

BEAUTIFUL PICTURES FROM ARCTIC CIRCLE LIFE - LAPLANDERS - MUSIC - http://www.strangevacations.com/content/item/172156.html

TANK DEPLOYS ANTI-PERSONAL ORDINANCE TO PROTECT ITSELF - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangefunvideos.com/content/item/172230.html

STRANGE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING DANGERS - GREAT VIEW OF NORWAY FIORD - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/172265.html

STRANGE HOTELS AROUND THE WORLD - V-8 HOTEL - GERMANY - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/172281.html

STRANGE HOTELS AROUND THE WORLD - THE INNTEL HOTEL - GERMANY - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/172283.html

STRANGE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL AND HER HUGE PAL IGUANA - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/172286.html

SNOW COVERED NEW ORLEANS POLICE CAR - GREAT SIGN - HELP STOP GLOBAL WARMING! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172315.html

MYTH BUSTERS SEXY STAR KARI LOOKS HOT WITH HUGE SHOTGUN - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/172316.html

BOEING CH-47 CHINOOK HELICOPTER - SEA LANDING - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/172378.html

STRANGE SAND CASTLE - WITH ELECTRIC LIGHTING! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/172385.html

STRANGE HORSES - PALOMINO'S BLOND MANE INTRICATELY BRAIDED! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/172386.html

STRANGE OLDE SPORTS PIXS - CASSIUS CLAY aka MOHAMMED ALI MEETS THE ROCK GROUP THE BEATLES - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/172387.html

OCEAN SIDE AIRPORT DANGERS - NO MORE ROOM! - AIRCRAFT CRASHES AT END OF RUNWAY / BEACH - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/172388.html

STRANGE INDIAN ELEPHANT WITH HER OWN PICK TRICYCLE! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/172389.html

TREE TRIMMING DANGERS - MAN ON LADDER CUTS OFF STEM WHICH FALLS AND KNOCKS HIM OFF LADDER! - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172390.html

STRANGE AIRCRAFT CARRIER LANDING - HELICOPTER CREW LEANS OUT CARGO DOOR FOR A PEEK! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172391.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SF - G - INTERNATIONAL FARMS - FOREIGN FARMS - CROPS - ASIA - EUROPE

http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/category/100750_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Stupid Burglars Snort Cremated Remains of a Man & 2 Dogs - Thought it was Cocaine - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/172484.html

Huge Aussie Parking Fines Inspired Parking Watch App - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/172485.html

Strange Phobias : Why the Number Four Is Considered Unlucky In Some East Asian Cultures - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/172486.html

Strange Sports - Why Golf Balls Have Dimples - http://www.strangegolf.com/content/item/172487.html

20 Strange Famous Last Words - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/166183.html

Classic Questions and Answers From Hollywood Squares - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/166374.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SF - G - INTERNATIONAL FARMS - FOREIGN FARMS - CROPS - ASIA - EUROPE

http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/category/111_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

[b3ta] "Implant jokes are the breast ones. But can go tits up."

 

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worth up to £5,000 courtesy of Wicked Pig pork
snacks.

Simply send us your best piggy portrait to
enter. Get your friends and family to vote for
your photo to be in with a chance of winning one
of our sizzling prizes include theme park trips,
family holidays, and the ultimate BBQ party…

What are you waiting for? Show us your Snout
Pout and enter now at:
http://www.stytv.co.uk

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? It's yours assuming you want to
bung us some cash.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Otters, Cats, Darth Vader and Horses

>> Magic Otter - The Translation <<
We're loving Slurpy J's voiceovers the memes of
the week. We particularly enjoyed The Great
Soprendo in the shape of an otter. Plus cat v
washing machine. Like Walk on the Wild Side but,
you know, actually good.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Magic_Otter_The_Translation
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_vs_Washing_Machine_The_Translation

>> Vader has some free time <<
The Dark Lord of the Sith kills some time in his
little techno-pod. Circa 1982. Black Moon wins
50 points for extended amusing geekery.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Vader_has_some_free_time

>> Horse with hands riding a bike <<
Horses are hard to draw, hands are hard to draw
and so are bikes. What better test of what makes
a man than to attempt all three? Hero of
Switzerland, we salute you.
http://horsewithhandsridingabike.blogspot.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bullshit and Bullshitters

Last week we asked for your experiences of the
sort of fantasists who joined the army at the
age of 12, shagged three hundred women and don't
sit at home on their mum's computer:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bullshit/

* PSEUDO KRAY TWIN TWATS - "Two brothers I used
to be in Sixth Form with were convinced they
were the rural West-Midlands equivalent of the
Krays. This mainly manifested itself through
low-level thievery and boasting about 'Drugs,
computer games that aren't out yet, anything
mate... we can even get you a shotgun.' A few
lads in the year actually believed them and
pooled their money to buy a shitload of weed
('top quality, mate, best you can buy. Bands
send up from London for it... honest') Next week
comes around. No weed. 'Yeah - we haven't been
round our man's yet. He's been having problems
with the pigs and he's got to lay low. Take it
easy.' End of the week. Still no weed. Some of
the lads ask for their money back. It's not
forthcoming. This being a small town - we
quickly find out from someone's mum who's a
copper, that the brothers had been robbed on a
local estate where they'd driven in their mum's
car and asked the first dodgy-looking bloke if
he could get them some weed. They had agreed to
HAND HIM THE MONEY while he disappeared into the
estate to pick up the drugs. Naturally, he'd
just fucked off. The best bit about it? They'd
reported it to the the police, and, after some
gentle prompting from a astute PC, admitted that
they had indeed been trying to buy drugs. The
older of the two had broken down crying because
he was convinced that he was going to get a
criminal record and wouldn't be able to get on
the catering course at the local college. They
both ended up having to get jobs in the local
supermarket to pay back the lost money... which
isn't very Gangsta when you think about it."
(SnowyTheRabbit)

* MR MAKEY-UPPY - "Not so long ago the company
for which I work hired an outside company to do
some work for us. It was all fine, except for
one guy who would never, ever, under any
circumstances admit he didn't know something.
When faced with a situation where he felt he
might show weakness by admitting ignorance, he
would either bluster for Britain or (more
usually) make up something or other that sounded
credible to him. This works in some types of
business but not when you need a precise
technical answer. I was bitching about this
idiot in the pub one evening but not doing a
great job of explaining to one of my Romanian
colleagues who didn't know what I meant by this
"bullshitting". "Okay," says I. "I'll give you
an example through the medium of role play." I
closed my eyes and, channelling Stanislavsky,
assumed the part of the fantasist contractor.
"Now, ask me a question to which I don't know
the answer." "Pineapplecharm," she said. "Are
you gay?" (pineapplecharm)

* GREEDY, CHILDISH LIES - "I used to love Sugar
Puffs, but found that the box didn't last nearly
long enough. So I told my brother that Sugar
Puffs were actually 'shaved bees', and soon
after discovered that a box would last much
longer. (Lord & Lady Pants)

>> This Week: DIY Surgery <<
Too embarrassed to go to the doctor with that
infection you picked up on holiday? Too manly to
ask for help? Do it yourself, it can't be that
hard, surely:
http://b3ta.com/questions/diysurgery/

-------------------------------------------------

: BUY JOEL'S NEW ALBUM
It's "hammy"

Veitch writes, "It's called The Ham Machine -
the name and cover art being a very clever
tribute to kraftwerk for the 3 people who'll
get the joke - with some 7 Seconds of Love
stuff and a bunch of rathergood stuff, some old
classics and a bunch of new. 41 tracks! that's
fucking loads! " BTW: Is that Mrs CR3 we spot
on the cover, wearing bacon? Oh yes.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004I27H3Y/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEFS
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Make your own 8-bit game SFX <<
Sound effect generator 'sfxr' rebuilt in Flash.
Ideal for making percussion noises for your
latest chiptune epic.
http://superflashbros.net/as3sfxr/

>> Lighter fun <<
Fun. With lighters. Now, we don't want to over
sell it, but this may well be the best thing
ever.
http://your-free-pictures.net/lighter-fun.html

>> Old school shitty web design <<
These was a time when stuff like this made us
angry, now we just feel nostalgic.
http://www.webking.com/


>> 3D Paintings on glass <<
Cute idea - paint the different 'slices' of an
images on different panes of glass and stick
them all together. Eerie effect.
http://goo.gl/Pzggz

>> Abandoned Russian space shuttle project <<
If you're stuck for tourist ideas, then you
could do worse.
http://goo.gl/NiflF

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IPHONE APP
If you don't want to use Safari, use this:

Hurrah - it's B3ta app, written by Jon Grant.
Basically, use this if your mobile network has
blocked our site for its "mild/infrequent crude
humour and references to drink and tobacco use".
http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/b3ta/id400451018?mt=8

BTW: This is project built by a site member
rather than a 100% official thing. So don't send
us bug reports but give them directly to Jon at:
http://twitter.com/jon4009

BTW2: Don't moan to us about Android. If you
want that then you're going to have to build it.
Any takers?

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Vids for me, myself and WiFi

>> GTA4 with the friction turned off <<
A vision of the future when we've all got
computer controlled cars then some shit writes a
virus to make them all drive like a mental?
Actually made us cough with laughter.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/GTA4_with_the_friction_turned_off

>> Fox News on Trolls <<
We're unsure watching this who is trolling who.
It's quite possible that Fox is trolling the
entire internet with this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gL599MlNVzY

>> If ad agencies did birthday parties <<
Although this assumes a higher opinion of ad
agencies' abilities than we currently hold - we
once sat on an industry awards thing where one
(nameless) agency had paid £1k to enter and
submitted their work which consisted of some
vandalism of Wikipedia that lasted 20 minutes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/If_ad_agencies_did_birthday_parties

>> This year's Snakes on a Plane? <<
It's the trailer for a film about a killer tyre
with telekinetic powers. It can only be
amazing. Or shit.
http://goo.gl/rRyMs

>> Cee Lo Green's 'Fuck You' (in sign language) <<
This girl has got the moves. She's well def.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cee_Lo_Greens_Fuck_You_signed_copy

>> I'm on crack <<
We've never taken crack, but after watching this
video we wonder if we're missing out. It looks
utterly fab.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_on_crack

-------------------------------------------------

11:11 MEMORABLE DIGITAL TIMES
Because some numbers are just noticeable

We find certain times really ping out from
digital clocks, and once we start noticing them
it feel like we notice them everyday. This is
how people go mad and get obsessed with the
number 23 and stuff. But hopefully we're not
actually insane, and the Mi5 aren't really using
to send us secret messages.

* 11:11 - "There's a whole whackjob movement to
the 11:11 thing. if you google it you will be
cursing the nutters within minutes." (@cs192)
Also @Toastertron points out, "Better get the
insurance sorted then because your cock will
explode with excitement come 11/11/11 at
11:11:11"

* 12:34 - "Always worth staring at the clock for
an extra few seconds! Also 23:45" (via @rsracing)

* 13:37 - L33t o clock. We've even been known to
screengrab this on our phones and then feel a
bit tragic. @vidjam writes, "Absolutely, I too
am drawn by powers beyond my comprehension to
look at clocks at exactly 13:37."

* 0:07 - "Desmond Dekker Time. And James Bond is
putting it in now." (@tim_gillespie)

* 8:08 - "Always gets me in a State" (@steand)

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are
looking up skirts

* PHEEDOS - Say what you like about paedophiles,
well you can actually. It's not like anyone's
going to say, "I'm a paedophile and I'm offended
by that"
http://www.pheedo.com/

* FLAPPY FUN - Dr Mexico writes, "My friend's mum
says that the funny name thing in the newsletter
is the best bit. This is a funny name for a
book."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0781774926/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: PURPLESTOCK REMINDER
Concert for Jessie / Nina

Kerry Mountain writes, "Any chance of a final
mention for #Purplestock in the newsletter?
Ta!" Ok then, PurpleStock will take place at the
Old Bell Hotel, Sadler Gate, Derby on Saturday
29 January 2011 at 15:00 and will go on until 3
o'clock Sunday morning.
http://www.purplestock.net

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Ghosts Challenge

Last week we wanted you to get all poltergeisty
on our ass

Your favourites included:

* BIRDS - heavyweight punnage featuring flocking
phantoms (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305149

* DIANA - in which the people's princess makes an
unexpected appearance (ALBIONISM)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305833

* PILLS - Pacman meets Indiana Jones in a
ghoulish Hollywood mash-up (Damocles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305292

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ghosts/

>> New challenge: Pointless USB Devices <<
Invent the most pointless devices to make USB
compatible. Thanks to brown-wings for the
suggestion.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pointlessusbdevice/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* ALBUM HOLE 2 - last year many of you
contributed to the album project of B3tan songs -
this year it's going to be even bigger.
DaveExclamationMark is organising it.
http://goo.gl/X7DNe

* KUNTY THANKS - carl_bailey writes, "Just
thought I'd say thanks to B3ta for their 'Kunt
for No.1' Christmas campaign. Saw him yesterday,
as a result of finding out about him through
lurking like a scary paedo on your website - and
he was fucking hilarious! :D"

* DIRTY MAC BRIGADE - seamusbourke helpfully
suggests, "If anyone with a Mac is having self
control problems with the internet, Self Control
seemingly blocks whatever you put on your black
list, and so far seems to be foolproof. You can
also change your hosts file, but that can be
undone too, and this doesn't change hosts, but
blocks site anyway."
http://visitsteve.com/made/selfcontrol/

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
Webby style Advance Wars

Matt 'Grim...' Squirrel writes, "It does seem
terribly ungentlemanly for my first suggestion
for the newsletter to have been something I did
myself, but there you go. Basically, it's a copy
of everyone's favorite turn-based war game
Advance Wars on the DS, but on the Internet,
with cows. It's in beta at the moment (heh), but
it's perfectly playable and, if I do say so
myself, ace."
http://www.space-cows.co.uk

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something wicked, fresh or fly and tell us
about it. If you are in it then you'll get
respec' in your hood. Nuff said.

Things we'd really like to see include:

* SHOES THAT CAN'T STEP IN DOG SHIT - not sure
how this could work, but please someone solve
this dreadful curse on our quality footware.

* AN EASY SYSTEM FOR ESTIMATING POSTAL CHARGES -
currently flogging a few things on eBay and
simply have no idea what the post office is
going to charge until we turn up.

* A PILL THAT MADE PEOPLE STAY PHYSICALLY ABOUT
AGED 30 FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES - as we've
concluded that's about the best age. Not too old
you look shit, and not too young that nobody
takes you seriously. Enjoy being 30, kids.

Send your e-turds via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: I'm going to give myself a huge pat on the
back. But then I'm a contortionist, into scat
and also a cow. Moo.

-------------------------------------------------

Winners: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Whingers: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by artfulglv19,
@aleczandah, SnowyTheRabbit, MeekMan, Manic,
oAmadeuso, Matt Round, Damocles, loki7.co.uk,
jingle_man and Avast. Top Tippery by
stonersmurf. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Bourbon Fox.

-------------------------------------------------

BONUS LINKY!

If you've got a mirror you can goatse up the new
50p design.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10311367


-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Save yourself the bother of reading these Top
Tips by buying a copy of Viz, you bunch of
fucking cheapskates.

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Vol 974 - Jan. 19, 2011 - Strange Pilots & Mechanics With a Sense of Humor

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

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Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Stupid Sports Quotes

1. In 2004 the Minnesota Timberwolves offered Sprewell a $21 million contract extension. The three year extension was famously rejected by Spree with these words, "I have a family to feed."

He played out his contract, having the worst statistical year of his career, and then never played in the NBA again.

2. David Beckham - When asked if he was a volatile player, the response came: "Well, I can play in the centre, on the right, and occasionally on the left side."

3. Boxer Alan Minter - "Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing—but none of them serious. "

4. Ron Meyer - "It isn't like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids."

5. Baseballer Andre Dawson - "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

6. Basketballer Scotty Pippen - "He's one of the best power forwards of all time. I take my hands off to him."

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Pilots & Mechanics With a Sense of Humor

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

USAF THUNDERBIRD'S - FLYBY DISNEY WORLD - 1 - OVER EPCOT - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/171780.html

STRANGE OLDE STARS & CELEBS - NANCY SINATRA - PINK BIKINI AND BOOTS MADE FOR WALKIN! - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/171846.html

STRANGE MARINES HELICOPTER - BUG EYED - HMRM-461 - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/172102.html

STRANGE MILITARY FUN - EXTREME SNIPER GOLF PRACTICE - http://www.strangegolf.com/content/item/172229.html

ARIZONA WINTER PICTURES - SNOW COVERED SAGUARO CACTUS - WHAT HAPPENED TO GLOBAL WARMING? - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/172242.html

STRANGE SPORTS - LIGHTNING STRIKE NEAR BASEBALL STADIUM - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/172253.html

STRANGE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING DANGERS - FREE CLIMBING - VARY DANGEROUS - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/172261.html

STRANGE SIGNS - CHECKOUT EXPRESS SIGN FOR IDIOTS - - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/172273.html

STRANGE HOTELS AROUND THE WORLD - DOG BARK PARK INN - IDAHO - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/172284.html

STRANGE GRASSHOPPER CLOSEUP - A HUMAN FACE APPEARS! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/172285.html

MARTHA STEWART GETS LIP STITCHES - PET BULL DOG ATTACKED! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/172312.html

MARILYN MONROE aka NORMA JEAN DiMAGGIO - DEPT OF DEFENSE ID CARD - USO TOURS AND WHITE HOUSE VISITS - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/172314.html

BEAUTIFUL CONVERTIBLE SPORTS CAR - SLEEK - FAST! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/172347.html

FORMULA 1 RACING - LOOK DOWN VIEW OF BUSY RED PIT CREW - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/172348.html

STRANGE CAMPING TIPS IN NEWSPAPER - 2 TV'S? - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/172349.html

STRANGE AERIAL PICTURE - SHIP OUTRUNS RAINSTORM CHASING IT ON THE BLACK SEA! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/172350.html

OLDE PIX - WWI NAVAL CONVOY - BATTLESHIPS LINE UP FOR SEA BATTLE - TORPEDO BOATS SCOUT - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/172351.html

STRANGE ZOO - CURIOUS MANTA RAYS CIRCLE SWIMMER IN CRYSTAL CLEAR WATER - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/172352.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SM - MILITARY EQUIPMENT - STEALTH - AIRPLANES - SHIPS - SECRET EQUIPMENT - BLACK OPS

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/category/100686_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Only In TEXAS! - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/172270.html

Strange Little Known Texas Facts - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/172271.html

Strange Facts About Automobiles - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/168716.html

Strange "Other" Uses For Toothpaste - http://www.strangefunvideos.com/content/item/168717.html

10 Hilarious Cover Letter Blunders - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/168722.html

Strange Things to Ponder - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/168737.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SM - MILITARY EQUIPMENT - STEALTH - AIRPLANES - SHIPS - SECRET EQUIPMENT - BLACK OPS

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/category/107_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

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