VOL 1116 - May 31, 2012 - Strange Hospital Chart Notations

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

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Spring Fun !


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Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

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NEW FEATURE NOW AVAILABLE ON STRANGE WEBSITES - THE MOST POPULAR GROUP TOPICS/PICTURES OF THE WEEK - 30 Pictures Per Group:

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/news_4772.html
STRANGE LIZARDS - LITTLE - BIG - AND COLORFUL !

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/news_2863.html
STRANGE & COLORFUL THINGS THAT FLY

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/news_5501.html
STRANGE RAILROAD TRAINS - LOCOMOTIVES - RAIL CARS

http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/news_10738.html
OLDE STARS AND THEIR FANCY CARS - FROM A 1911 MODEL T TO NEWER ROLLS ROYCE'S

http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/news_8100.html
RALLY CARS & TRUCKS - WHEELS OFF THE GROUND!

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Strange Quotes About "Television"

MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980's. - Doug Ferrari

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks. - Eric Sevareid

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. - Frank Lloyd Wright (1869 - 1959)

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work. - Gallagher

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. - Johnny Carson (1925 - 2005)

I think that parents only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids. - Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Death, 1997

If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives. - Marlon Brando (1924 - 2004)

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Hospital Chart Notations

Strange Hospital Chart Notations

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.


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Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

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STRANGE 1960'S FAMILY CONCEPT BUBBLE CAR - 3/4 WHEELER - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/182707.html


STRANGE OLDE POLICE PICTURES - STRANGE EQUIPMENT - PARKING METERS BEING EMPTIED 1960 - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/182644.html


STRANGE OLDE PRODUCTS & INVENTIONS - ZENITH FLASK-MATIC - FIRST REMOTE CONTROL - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/182509.html


THE WORLD'S STRANGEST & MOST DEADLY LAKES - LAKE RAKSHASTAL - TIBET - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/181718.html


MOUNTAIN BIKE DANGERS - GRANNY DOES A FACE PLANT IN THE MUD! - ACTION GIF! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/183074.html


STRANGE WORKPLACE DANGERS - OSHA WOULD NOT APPROVE 17 STORY LADDER TO INSTALL WINDOW AIR CONDITIONER! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/183087.html


RARE OLD STREAMLINED 1954 SCHWINN BOYS BICYCLE - TRIPLE HEADLIGHTS AND FRONT BUMPER! - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/183105.html


WHAT HAPPENS TO FEMALES WHEN THEY TAKE A GROUP PICTURE? GRAVITY SUDDENLY GETS STRONGER! - http://www.strangeblondes.com/content/item/183106.html


DONALD TRUMP HAIR TRICK - STATIC FROM BALLOON OVER HIS HEAD MAKE HIS HAIR STICK STRAIGHT UP! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/183107.html


STRANGE OLDE 1954 ARCADE FUN - MECHANICAL CLAW - PEEP SHOW VIEWERS - 1 PENNY FLIP CARD SHOWS! MUTOSCOPE - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/183026.html


STRANGE 4 WHEELIN' FUN! - HILL CLIMBER FLIES OVER THE TOP LEDGE! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/183108.html


STRANGE WHITE NIKE HIGH HEELED SNEAKER - SPIKE HEELS & TOP VELCRO STRAP! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/183109.html


TALL SHIPS - US COAST GUARD TRAINING SHIP "EAGLE" - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/183086.html


CLEVER GOLF DUCK SAND TRAP 'SWIMMING' ON WINTER LAKE - - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/159825.html


SAN FRANCISCO 1906 - AMAZING OLDE PICTURE! - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/148182.html


STRANGE PROM PICTURES - LADIES LOOK GREAT - THE GUYS ARE DOPES! - NO SLEEVES! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/183111.html


STRANGE WEDDING BOUQUET TOSS - ACTION GIF - BRIDE KNOCKS OUT BLONDE BRIDESMAID! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/183110.html


STRANGE KITCHEN GADGETS - SPAGHETTI TOOL MEASURE'S EXACT AMOUNT FROM CHILD'S PORTION TO HUNGRY AS A HORSE!! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/183113.html

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The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - DAY TRIPS - STRANGE DESTINATIONS - BRIDGES - MOTELS - TOURIST SPOTS - GAS STATIONS - JUNK YARDS - DEALERSHIPS - PARKING LOTS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100726_1.html

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The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Strange Military Quotes - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/182841.html


Strange Marilyn Monroe Facts - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182843.html


Strange Marilyn Monroe Quotes: - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/182844.html


Strange Myth Of Marilyn Monroe Being Size 12-16 Debunked - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/182845.html


Useless Government - Makes You Want To Slap Yourself in the HEAD! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/145119.html


Strange Celebrity Suicides - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/144950.html


Strange "Inside" Information - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/144366.html

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The Featured New Category This Week - SV - DAY TRIPS - STRANGE DESTINATIONS - BRIDGES - MOTELS - TOURIST SPOTS - GAS STATIONS - JUNK YARDS - DEALERSHIPS - PARKING LOTS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/111_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites


Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!
a

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings


http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

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VOL 1115 - May 27, 2012 - Strange MILITARY RULES

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

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A Tribute to Memorial Day Fun !


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Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

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NEW FEATURE NOW AVAILABLE ON STRANGE WEBSITES - THE MOST POPULAR GROUP TOPICS/PICTURES OF THE WEEK - 30 Pictures Per Group:

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/news_8767.html
STRANGE MILITARY PAINT JOBS - MILITARY JETS & HELICOPTERS

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/news_7588.html
AMAZING MILITARY CAMOUFLAGE!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/news_10533.html
NEW - STRANGE US DOLLAR BILLS FROM THE PAST - OTHER DENOMINATIONS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/news_11216.html
CADILLAC - THE WORLDS BEST! FAMOUS THROUGH OUT HISTORY FOR BEAUTY AND QUALITY - THE STANDARD!

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Strange "Military" Quotes:

"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally." - Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons." -Russian military doctrine.

..At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...

"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis." - from a post-war debriefing of a German General

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - Military Rules

US Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch p0 rn.
4. Deploy the Marines.

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/110476.html#theContent


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Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

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- MODERN FARMING AD 1911 - GENERAL PURPOSE FARM TRACTOR WITH PLOW! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/102083.html


- MILITARY CEMETERY - SOLDIER BLOWING TAPS - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/182986.html


- US NAVY BATTLESHIPS - USS ARIZONA MEMORIAL - PEARL HARBOR, HAWAII - AERIAL VIEW - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/182483.html


- STRANGE OLDE POLICE PICTURES - 1972 AMC JAVELIN ALABAMA STATE TROOPER - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/182640.html


- MODERN FARMING AD 1911 - GENERAL PURPOSE FARM TRACTOR WITH PLOW! - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/102083.html


- FAMOUS WILL SMITH FACE SLAP OF RUSSIAN BROADCASTER WHO TRIED TO KISS HIM ON THE LIPS! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/183070.html


- AMAZING NASA AERIAL SATELLITE IMAGE OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/183072.html


- STRANGE OLDE PRODUCTS & INVENTIONS - VIEWTONE TELEVISION - HUGE 6 INCH SCREEN! - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/182505.html


- STARS FROM "TOP GUN" AND HOW THEY'VE AGED 1986 TO TODAY - FROM TOM CRUISE TO VAL KILMER! - http://www.strangeblondes.com/content/item/182933.html


- STRANGE TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN MAY 20, 2012 - TOTAL SOLAR RING PICTURES - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/183037.html


- WHITE WATER RAFTING DANGERS - AMAZING ACTION GIF - KAYAK FLIPS ONTO FRONT END OF RAFT - KNOCKS OVER MAN IN FRONT! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/183076.html


- STRANGE AMERICAN FLAG MADE FROM RED WHITE & BLUE NEW CARS! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/172695.html


- AMAZING NAVY SEALS FINAL TRIBUTE TO 'MEDAL OF HONOR' COMRADE - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/140490.html


- STRANGE GOLF DRIVING RANGE SURPRISE - GOLF BALL SKEET SHOOTING! AMAZING! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/178700.html


- STRANGE MAPS OF THE WORLD AND USA - UFO HOT-SPOTS MAP - MOST SIGHTINGS BY STATE - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/174824.html


- STRANGE MAILBOXES - AMAZING MAILBOX REVOLVER - HUGE GUN! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/178750.html


- STRANGE RECREATION - 2nd BRIGADE REENACTS 1925 FORMATION IN 2009 - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/169244.html


- US NAVY SEALS - SPECIAL OPS - TRAINING - STEALTH MOTHER SHIP - M80 STILETTO - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/175385.html

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The Featured Pix Category This Week - SM - WORLD WAR II - ALL EQUIPMENT - Tanks - Airplanes & Ships - WW I - EQUIPMENT - MISC.

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/category/100049_1.html

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The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

- Strange Hot Dog Facts - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/182758.html


- A Memorial Day Prayer - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/100303.html


- A to Z a Firearms Refresher Course - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/103596.html


- Memorial Day Message - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/24416.html


- Definition of an American - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/24204.html


- The Infantryman - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/24171.html


- A Great Veterans Poem - Remember to Thank Them! - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/22751.html


- Military Service - Today Vs. 1945 - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/22828.html


- I AM YOUR FLAG ! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/23244.html


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The Featured New Category This Week - SM - WORLD WAR II - ALL EQUIPMENT - Tanks - Airplanes & Ships - WW I - EQUIPMENT - MISC.

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/category/108_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites


Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!
a

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings


http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------


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VOL 1114-A - May 25, 2012 - EULOGY FOR A VETERAN - Special Memorial Day E-Letter

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

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A Special Tribute to Memorial Day !


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Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

------------------------

NEW FEATURE NOW AVAILABLE ON STRANGE WEBSITES - THE MOST POPULAR GROUP TOPICS/PICTURES OF THE WEEK - 30 Pictures Per Group:

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/news_490.html
MISC 'SPECIAL' MILITARY PIX

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/news_29.html
SPECIAL PATRIOTIC MILITARY PIXS

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/news_391.html
MEMORIAL DAY! - THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/news_28.html
CRAZY PATRIOTIC MEMORIAL DAY PIX

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QUOTES & TOASTS of the DAY - Memorial Day Quotes - Patriotic Toasts

"To her we drink, for her we pray, our voices
silent never.
For her we'll fight -- let come what may, The Stars
and Stripes forever."

"Here's to the Army and Navy, and the battles they have won. Here's to America's colors-- The colors that never run!"

"May the tree of liberty flourish round the globe, and every human being partake of its fruits."

"May noise never excite us to battle, or confusions reduce us to defeat."

"Soldiers have many faults, but they have one redeeming merit; they are never worshippers of force. Soldiers more than any other men are taught severely and systematically that might is not right. The fact is obvious. The might is in the hundred men who obey. The right (or what is held to be right) is in the one man who commands them." - Gilbert K. Chesterton

"The nation which forgets its defenders will be itself forgotten." - Calvin Coolidge

"An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep." - Arabian Proverb

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - EULOGY FOR A VETERAN

Eulogy for a Veteran


Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.


I am the Gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of
quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

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Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

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STRANGE DOGGY PIRATE BOOTY OUTFIT - TREASURE CHEST AND ALL! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/182956.html


AMAZING ATTACK HELICOPTER ROCKET LAUNCH CLOSE UP! FIRE! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/182989.html


STRANGE AUSTRALIAN GIANT GIPPSLAND EARTHWORM - 4 - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/182963.html


AMAZING SOLAR SYSTEM ACTION GIF - SIZE OF EARTH AS COMPARED TO OTHER PLANETS AND SOLAR SYSTEM ITEMS - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/183071.html


AMAZING WWI GERMANY 7 TRI-PLANE FIGHTER BRIGADE - THE RED BARON AND HIS SQUADRON - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/179983.html


STRANGE MILITARY PERSONAL - HOT MARINE DRILL INSTRUCTOR - SHE'S SERIOUS AND WILL KILL YOUR BUTT! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182990.html


STRANGE SOLAR ECLIPSE MAY 20, 2012 - TOTAL ECLIPSE - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/183036.html


MEMORIAL DAY - REMEMBER IWO JIMA - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/125768.html


STRANGE POLICE DOG - IN FULL UNIFORM! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/117003.html


SPECIAL CEREMONY - RELEASE OF THE PEACE DOVE! - DEAD! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/123036.html


VETERANS DAY SPECIAL - LITTLE GIRL HUGS SOLDIER DADS LEG - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/132315.html


INCREDIBLE PICTURE TAKEN IN 1918 - STATUE OF LIBERTY CREATED BY 18,000 SOLDIERS ! - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/136642.html


GENERATIONS OF VALOR - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/107623.html


AMERICAN FLAG WITH NAVY BLUE ANGELS FLYOVER - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/104021.html


NAVAL SHIP ENTERS NEW YORK HARBOR PASSING STATUE OF LIBERTY - DRESS WHITES - AT ATTENTION - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/162907.html


COOL TRUCK PAINT JOB - OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM - 4 - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/10224.html


RAISING THE FLAG - IWO JIMA - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/15493.html


VETERANS DAY 2002 - WE REMEMBER - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/6924.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SM - MILITARY - "SPECIAL" PICTURES AND PRESENTATIONS

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/category/100050_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

- Strange Glacier and Iceberg Facts - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/183028.html


- Strange Entertainment "Lasts" - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/183033.html


- Memorial Day Service - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/21131.html


- What Do You Know About The Flag? - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/106976.html


- The History of Memorial Day - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/100305.html


- Military Rules for the Non-Military - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/25696.html


- Military Rules - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/110476.html


-Awesome Letter To Mom From Soldier - MUST READ - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/24168.html


- This Marine is Tired - Must Read! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/102881.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SM - MILITARY - "SPECIAL" PICTURES AND PRESENTATIONS

http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/category/107_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites


Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!
a

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings


http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------


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[b3ta] "BUY $38 B3TA SHARES HERE. SORRY, $28."

 

This Week:
* SEX TOYS - Your filthy answers to our questions
* GAME - Utterly addictive minimalist RPG
* SLOW MO - iPhone does 60fps, who knew?

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the yak
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|

B3ta email 530 - 25 May 2012

Read this issue pretending to be Welsh:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue530

Friends : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Haters : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: BUM SMACKINGLY FUNNY GREETING CARDS
(sponsored link)

Fancy making someone you know smile? Then buy
them one of these lovely things. They're
guaranteed to make you well popular. Brilliant
Father's day cards as well. Warning: you may
laugh so much that a bit of wee comes out!
http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com/page101.htm

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Things, stuff & nonsense

>> 'Keep Calm' posters must stop <<
Wildyles writes, "I have been collecting all
the terrible 'Keep Calm' things. I hope to lock
them in a box and save us all." Personally we
don't think people should keep calm, they
should do things that, if we were to mention
them, would probably land us in jail.
http://keepcalmmuststop.tumblr.com/

>> Social Media Revolution (parody) <<
"I made this with Will Rolls of @madeupstats
and thepoke.co.uk", writes iain1968, "It's a
sideways swipe at all those stats that make
Facebook seem so important!" Lovely stats and
wonderful presentation even if it's financed by
our bitter rivals thepoke (we plan to drink
wine from their hollowed out skulls).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Social_Media_Revolution_parody

>> Sheep! VS CCTV <<
Funny old thing Sheep getting a German TV deal,
We can't quite bring ourselves to use the Max X
name. Reminds us of when MTV insisted on
calling Jonti Picking's stuff Wobble & Bob.
Still, an amusing sketch about the sinister
forces working in our urban environments. You
should watch Ben Wheatley's Tesco one directly
afterwards and feel as paranoid as tin foil.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Max_CCTV

>> London in slow motion <<
Tallroo writes, "Inspired by Trey Ratcliff's
'Stuck in Motion' technique, shooting on an
iPhone 4S at 60 frames per seconds using an app
called SloPro." We're mainly mentioning this
because we didn't know the iPhone could do slow
motion filming. This is new and exciting
information. Use it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/London_in_slow_motion

-------------------------------------------------

: LONDON B3TA BASH
This Sat, Earls Court

Riverghost writes, "Saturday is London Bash
day. This year looks like it'll be a huge turn
out. Things kick off at 5pm in the upstairs bar
at O'Neill's - Earls Court. There'll be some
food laid on, bawwoon hanimal bawwoons to make
willy hats out of and the bash auction later
on. All welcome."
http://b3ta.com/calendar/event/23598

BTW: Riverghost also says, "If you could
include that we should be getting a
tweet/bellow from Brian Blessed about the Bash
& Auction at about 4pm today."

-------------------------------------------------

: STUFF SENT TO US VIA THE ROYAL MAIL
Real things from B3tans. Not just .gif's

Not quite sure why, but two real things turned
up in the post from B3tans: a book and an LP.

* HOW TO BUILD A ROBOT (WITH YOUR DAD) - sent
through by the author Aubery Smith. And a very
good concept for a book it is too.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1843178788/b3ta-21

* C64 TUNES ON VINYL LP - if you ever wanted
Ben Daglish, Martin Galway & Rob Hubbard on
your turntable now is your chance. The official
B3ta wife asked what we were playing - she
thought it was a bit 'acid housey'. Thanks to
Chris Abbott for both compiling the record and
sending us a copy.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006Z908J8/b3ta-21

BTW: Speaking of C64s - this Commodore Keytar
is a thing of wonder. And the woman playing it
could probably have per pick of nerdy 40
something guys. Which is what all women want,
obviously, Mel Gibson was wrong.
http://bit.ly/LhuPtl

If you want to post us stuff then please do,
get in touch and we'll give you a mailing
address, although we draw the line at human
excrement. Animal excrement, fine, clearly.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: BRILLIANT GREETING CARDS TO MAKE YOU SMILE
(sponsored link)

What you didn't notice our first ad? Blimey,
we'll have to run a second then just for you.
Check us out now because we've got a great
deal on for B3ta readers, a FREE bonus card of
your choice with every order.
http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com/page101.htm

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sex Toys

We wanted stories of Sex Toys. Not one mention
of a Buzz Lightyear shaped dildo. Go read the
funny answers to K.W.A's story of her man with
a stump:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sextoys/

* NUTS - "Many moons ago, I thought it'd be a
laugh to make a wax candle / dildo in the
shape of my cock, and send it to my ex
girlfriend. Remind her exactly what she was
missing. At the time I hadn't heard of dental
alginate, so I set about making a mould out of
plaster. How clever am I, I thought, because
when the erection goes down, it will shrink and
I'll be left with a perfect cast. I cut a hole
in a plastic tub and positioned it at poking
height. In with the body parts and in with the
plaster. Problem 1: Plaster of Paris takes
about 20 minutes to cure, and it's pretty tough
to maintain a hands-free erection for that
long. Problem 2: it gets pretty hot while it
cures. But eventually it hardened enough to
remove the cast. Only to find problem 3: my
pubes had formed a rigid matrix in the plaster.
I'd re-invented fibreglass. Now I'm standing in
my room, naked, with 2kg of rock firmly
attached to my tenderest parts. After trying
everything I could I eventually realised that
I'd have to rip the damn thing off by brute
force. Luckily nobody heard the agonised primal
screams and protracted sobbing that accompanied
my DIY velcro experience. I ended up with a
far-from-impressive candle - like a tea-light
left in a hot car - but on the plus side, I did
gain a beautifully waxed scrotum." (moon monkey)

* LOADED - "Back in the early 1990s I worked in
public health research. I was also a regular
clubber. One night at a club in Glasgow, I met
Ken. I was only 23 and still a little naive -
despite working in the HIV field. Ken was the
first out-and-proud gay man I'd ever met. He'd
appear on the dance floor then suddenly
disappear for ten minutes. After this happened
a couple of times, I asked him where he'd been.
'Out on the fire escape giving some guy a
blow job.' I was slightly shocked but curious:
the nerd researcher in me felt compelled to
ask, 'Do you practise safe sex?' 'Oh God no,
the riskier the better, if I can get away with
it.' I asked him what was the unsafest sex he'd
ever had. He paused to think. Now, I was
expecting a ten-man bareback orgy, or an
outdoor encounter with a good chance of being
caught, so I was rather taken aback by his
actual response, 'It would have to be that time
I had a loaded double-barrelled shotgun shoved
up my arse.'" (ThisCaledonianClown)

* SEXCALIBER - "My missus asked me to buy her a
vibrator, and always wanting to encourage any
interest in sex, I agreed. I went to a sex shop
in Notting Hill, and lacking further
instruction I picked out a medium-large purple
rubbery one. Returning home, she was
disappointed: I'd failed to understand that for
something to be called a vibrator, it had to
vibrate. What I'd bought was a dildo. I tried
to return it, but sensibly they don't accept
returns on sex toys. Though I'm sure there's a
market somewhere for used dildos, I forked out
for a shiny chrome vibrator with variable
speed. The unwanted purple dildo I tried
putting in the hand of statue of a bloke on a
horse in Hyde Park, but the climb was too
difficult and I'd attracted onlookers and I
bottled it. So I ended up tossing it in the
Serpentine, where it awaits to this day, ready
to rise erect, cupped in a ghostly hand for the
rightful King of the Realm." (cumquat may)

>> This Week - Down on the Farm <<
Have you ever been chased from a field by a
shotgun-wielding maniac? Ever removed city
arseholes from your field whilst innocently
carrying a shotgun? Tell us your farm stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/downonthefarm/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Depressed copy writer <<
Defacing adverts is joyful, why is that?
Possibly because ads are a one way
communication. The advert is the corporate
talking to you and saying "spend money" -
scribbling on them and posting them online is
a way to make it a two way conversation. Well,
a conversation that goes, "Buy something!"
"No, fuck off!"
http://www.depressedcopywriter.com/

>> Gifs + Sound <<
YTMND made gifs + sound loops famous but when
someone has had a good idea: why not do it
again? And grab the sounds from easily
available youtube videos? Neat idea. Link goes
to the everywhere-this-week 'slinky on a
treadmill' thing but with music by the now
sadly 2/3rds dead Bee Gees. You can do better.
http://bit.ly/LySR2j

>> Sites we should have done #55 <<
As we regularly feature crap Amazon products
and trollish reviews in this very newsletter,
we've occasionally wondered about spinning off
such nonsense onto its own site. But of course
we're too lazy and someone else has got there
first. Still, you'll enjoy it.
http://theworstthingsforsale.com/

>> HTML5 spinny thing <<
We predict some porn site will remake this with
tits and it'll get a bazillion hits. We also
predict that our predictions are often wrong.
http://jonlax.com/

>> Check if your credit card is stolen <<
Ha, no - don't type your credit card number
into strange sites just because B3ta says so.
A nice warning produced by the Anti-Phishing
Working Group - you might want to pass this
on to your mum / dad.
http://ismycreditcardstolen.com/

>> Calming manatee <<
Reassuring words from a manatee - the wise cow
of the sea. We've just looked them up on
Wikipedia and they're roughly as intelligent as
dolphins and loads of them get killed by
commercial shipping. What a world.
http://calmingmanatee.com

-------------------------------------------------

: MONEY OFF NEWSLETTER
(sponsored link)

Bownty is a daily deal aggregator, instead of
getting emails from all those sites such as
Groupon, KGB deals etc you get one email that
has all of the offers.
http://www.awin1.com/awclick.php?mid=4117&id=95811

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but no licence needed. Huzzah.

>> New Skrillex track <<
Skrillex (according to Wikipedia) makes
Dubstep, Brostep, electro house, Moombahton,
glitch, post-hardcore & metalcore music. Here's
a sneak preview of his new song.
http://bit.ly/K4eU1r

>> Facial optical illusion <<
Keep your eyes on the cross and watch how the
Hollywood stars faces deform via the 'flashed
face distortion effect'.
http://mbthompson.com/research/


>> Rick Astley backwards <<
While looking up how / why the famous Rick Roll
video had been snatched by a dubious copyright
takedown this week, we found this reversed
version with interpreted lyrics. Old, but fits
of laughter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaeJt5ziiA0


>> Culinary Propaganda with Bartek <<
Mary Epworth writes, "Have you watched these
yet? I keep trying to make you feature Bartek."
Hmm. No, we hadn't watched these very strange
cooking videos but we will take the opportunity
to pre-plug Mary's music. Look up Saddle Song &
Black Doe on Youtube. Wonderful songs. Her
album is out soon and we'll have to remember to
give that a proper plug.
http://www.youtube.com/user/culinarypropaganda/videos

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
Minimalist RPG for your Friday gaming pleasure

We spent a good hour on this game last night
and wasted much of the time we should have been
researching the B3ta newsletter. So lo-fi you
might dismiss it but if you do engage with it -
gosh crazily addictive. Make sure you press the
button to turn the Japanese into English and
fuck it, we want to finish writing this damn
newsletter so we can have another go. Seriously
- are there any iOS games like this?
http://nekogames.jp/g.html?gid=PRM

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Heaven Challenge

Last week we wanted you to picture Heaven

Your favourites included:

* CARLISLE: delicious fish-based pun action
from former Go-Go (VicBrown)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/

* MEATBALLS: rare peak at Flying Spaghetti
Monster-based utopia (c@bbage)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10770928

* STUFF: vision of the afterlife that is
exactly 674% awesome
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10770572

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/

>> New challenge: Explosions <<
This week's challenge is to celebrate the
magnificence of explosions. So photoshop them.
Or cause them. And photoshop the results. PS:
don't cause them.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/explosions/

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* ROBERT DE NIRO SALAD - Mike Tapia pleads, "I
had a dream recently that desperately needs
realising. Basically a friend of mine had
started up a website called Saladdeniro.com
which involved pictures of Robert de Niro being
edited to incorporate salad. EG, smoking a
cigar that's been replaced with celery or
wearing a lettuce leaf hat. It was REALLY
popular and remains one of the most vivid
dreams I've ever had. It NEEDS to happen!"
Hopefully someone can help.

* YO YO YO LAURYN HILL SUPERCUT - Bela Lugosi's
Dad asks, "Can someone stitch together all the
times Lauryn Hill goes 'yo' on her Miseducation
album. Halfway into 'Ex-Factor', I gave up and
started cutting again."

* A MAGIC VERSION OF YOUTUBE THAT PLAYED THINGS
BACKWARDS - who has time to fiddle with video
editing software when you want to worship Satan?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Great people: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Utter twats: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA ADVERTISING

Thanks to Mark Williams & Jim Brough for
sponsoring this newsletter. If you wish to be
like them - good people who'll probably go to
heaven - then you too should sponsor the B3ta
newsletter.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel without
David Stevenson who has gone on holiday. Stuff
sent in by @TomDavenport, @mattround,
@TheNessaNator, &#8207;@davelee, meepmeep &
Mr.Aaaarrrggghhh! Image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tip via
sittingduck. Special thanks to MATT ROUND.
Subjlols via Emvee Stark.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Alfresco chess players! Playing chess outside a
pub does not make you look like an intellectual
bohemian. It makes you look like a cunt.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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VOL 1114 - May 23, 2012 - An Ethical Dilemma - What Would You Do?

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

---------------------------------------

A Tribute to May Fun !


------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

------------------------

NEW FEATURE NOW AVAILABLE ON STRANGE WEBSITES - THE MOST POPULAR GROUP TOPICS/PICTURES OF THE WEEK - 30 Pictures Per Group:

http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/news_8262.html
STRANGE OLDE TRUCKS - THE WORK HORSES OF THE PAST!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/news_3166.html
THE WORLDS STRANGEST MUSTACHE COLLECTION!

http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/news_10610.html
STRANGE FARM DANGERS - PROBLEMS - DISASTERS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/news_4138.html
STRANGE FORD - CHRYSLER & GENERAL MOTORS CONCEPT CARS!

==================================

STRANGE HOLY QUOTES!

Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited - until you try to get into their pew.
[George Goldtrap, Madison, Tennessee]

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.
[Mark Twain]

Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. [Fred Allen]

Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched. [Lowell B. Yoder, Holland, Ohio]

Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.
[Msgr. JosephP. Dooley, Martins Creek, Pennsylvania]

Every evening I turn my troubles over to God - He's going to be up all night anyway.
[Donald J. Morgan, Columbus, Ohio]

I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one you stay home from? [Rev. Denny Brake]

If a Savior leaves you as you are and where you are, from what has He saved you?
[Rev. Denny Brake]

If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington.
[Anonymous]

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - - An Ethical Dilemma - What Would You Do?

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this, I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: ""I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.""

Never forget to ""Think Outside of the Box."


==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

FAILED VEHICLE CONCEPTS (JAPAN) - 1970'S NISSAN'S 126X - 270X - 216X - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/182251.html


OLDE STARS - HOLLYWOOD HOTTIES - MARILYN MONROE AND SAMMY DAVIS JR - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182628.html


STRANGE "MARS CAR" - 1956 CONCEPT 'ASTRO-GNOME' - NEVER PRODUCED - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/182708.html


OCEAN DANGERS - FRIENDLY DOLPHIN COMES UP RIGHT NEXT TO A GROUP OF SEA KAYAKERS - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/182133.html


STRANGE OLDE SPORTS - BABE RUTH WITH HUGE BASEBALL TO HIT! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182723.html


PATRIOTIC HOMEOWNERS RESPONSE TOMORONS IN HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION WHO SAID "NO AMERICAN FLAGS ALLOWED!" - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/183019.html


FARM FUN - HUGE JOHN DEERE TRACTOR CLEVERLY MADE FROM HAY BALES - GREAT PAINT JOB! - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/183020.html


STRANGE MILITARY EQUIPMENT - SQUADRON OF A-10'S FLYING THRU SNOW COVERED MOUNTAIN PASS - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/182988.html


DRUG SMUGGLERS BUSTED! - TEXAS BORDER PATROL CONFISCATE FARM TRUCK WITH HUGE HAY BALE - MILLIONS IN COCAINE HIDDEN BEHIND FALSE BALE END - 5 - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/183002.html


STRANGE BICYCLE RACE - CLASSIC OLDE BIG WHEEL VELODROME RACE - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/183008.html


STRANGE OLDE EMERGENCY EQUIPMENT - HUGE STEAM DRIVEN FIRE ENGINE - 8 FOOT HIGH WHEELS! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/183011.html


TOY FUN - WATCH THE HUGE LEGO PYRAMID COLLAPSE - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/183021.html


STRANGE AERIAL LOOK DOWN AT INTRICATE MAZE - OUTDOOR PARK FUN - HIGH BRIDGES AND TALL GAZEBO HELP FIND YOUR WAY! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/183022.html


COLLEGE GRADUATION FUN - GOOFY FACE ON MORTAR BOARD MAKE LONG HAIR LOOK LIKE LONG BEARD! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/183024.html


STRANGE OLDE WWII MOTORCYCLES - SADDLE BAGS - RIFLE HOLSTER - CANTEEN - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/183025.html


STRANGE OLDE ARCADE FUN - MECHANICAL CLAW - PEEP SHOW VIEWERS - 1 PENNY FLIP CARD SHOWS! - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/183026.html


AMAZING KICK BOXING SPINNING BACKHAND KNOCK OUT - ACTION GIF! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/183027.html


STRANGE FURNITURE! - AMAZING CHEST OF DRAWERS - 9 DRAWERS SLIDE INTO ONE - INTO -ONE - 2 INTO ONE ETC.......... - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/183023.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - STRETCH LIMOUSINES - WILD AND LONG - HIGH END LUXURY CARS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100366_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Strange Puns - SO Bad........................... - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/182896.html


Strange Animal Facts !! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/182445.html


Strange Observations & Insults - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/130639.html


Strange Uses for Aluminum Foil - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/130632.html


Strange Business One-Liners - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/130056.html


Strange Resume' Humor - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/130054.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SV - STRETCH LIMOUSINES - WILD AND LONG - HIGH END LUXURY CARS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/111_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites


Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!
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Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings


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------------------------


Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

VOL 1113 - May 20, 2012 - You Know you're Old When..

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com - This Week's Feature:

---------------------------------------

A Tribute to Spring Fun !


------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

------------------------

NEW FEATURE NOW AVAILABLE ON STRANGE WEBSITES - THE MOST POPULAR GROUP TOPICS/PICTURES OF THE WEEK - 30 Pictures Per Group:

http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/news_8764.html
STRANGE FOOD, FISH AND PRODUCE FROM AROUND THE WORLD!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/news_9550.html
STRANGE MEHDI PATTERNS - TEMPORARY SKIN DECORATION FOR WEDDINGS & FESTIVALS - SOUTHEAST ASIA

http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/news_6960.html
MOTORCYCLES WITH STRANGE SIDECARS AND TRAILERS

http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/news_10993.html
STRANGE ANGRY BIRDS PRODUCTS & GAMES - MEGA APP SUCCESS! 42 MILLION DOWNLOADS - EST $35 MILLION BY 2014

http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/news_10161.html
STRANGE "WOODIES" FROM 1930 THRU 1955 - MANY STATION WAGONS - SEDANS - CONVERTIBLES

==================================

Strange Quotes from England

Jon Snow: "In a sense, Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)

"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."
(Jimmy Hill -- BBC)

"Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussey -- four very different names."
(Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)

"Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily." (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

Listener : "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe : "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?"
(Talk Radio)

Interviewer : "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old : "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."
(BBC Radio 4)

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - You Know you're Old When..


- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.


==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE OLDE CELEBRITIES - RARE PICTURE OF MARK TWAIN - SAMUEL CLEMENTS - BARE CHESTED - NO SHIRT! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182112.html


FAILED VEHICLE CONCEPTS - 1940 CHRYSLER THUNDERBOLT - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/182247.html


NEIGHBORHOOD FEUD - NEIGHBOR'S FRONT YARD SIGN POINTS OUT NEXT DOOR HOUSE WHO'S OCCUPANT IS FOR BANNING ALL FIREARMS - CRIMINALS APPRECIATE THIS INFO! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182984.html


CLEVER JEWELRY SHOPPE SECURITY GUARD - HE'S NAPPING BEHIND LIFE SIZED GUARD PICTURED WITH A SHOTGUN! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/182985.html


STRANGE MILITARY JETS - JAPANESE AIR FORCE F-16 WITH DRAGON PAINTED ON TOP WINGS - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/182987.html


STRANGE OLDE POLICE VEHICLES - 1960 POLICE TRUCK MOBILE FORENSIC UNIT - LIGHTS - - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/182645.html


STRANGE OLDE SPORTS - 1956 MELBOURNE AUSTRALIA OLYMPICS SITE - AERIAL VIEW - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182721.html


CELEBRITY STARS FADING - KELLY McGILLIS & TOM CRUISE - 1986 & 2012 - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182818.html


STRANGE OLDE PRODUCTS & INVENTIONS - 1939 ST LOUIS MAGAZINE RACK - LOOK MAGAZINE - MOVIE & DETECTIVE-MAGS - - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182504.html


STRANGE CELEBRITY FACIAL MAKEUP - WHO'S SCARIER? - RIHANNA AS CLEOPATRA OR BLUE CAT FACED GWENETH PALTROW? - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/182931.html


STRANGE WORLD TRADE CENTER IMAGE ON SUPERTRAMP "BREAKFAST IN AMERICA" RECORD ALBUM - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/182824.html


STRANGE SWAMP AMUSEMENT RIDES - 3 TURTLE ALL PERCHED ATOP 3 ALIGATORS - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/182957.html


STRANGE AUSTRALIAN GIANT GIPPSLAND EARTHWORM - 6 - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/182961.html


INCREDIBLE LIGHTNING DISPLAY IN THE HARBOR - SIX SEPARATE STRIKES - STAY OUT OF THE WATER! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182967.html


FARM POND FISHING DANGERS - ACTION GIF - SHEEP SNEAKS UP AND BUTTS FISHERMAN INTO THE WATER! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182973.html


STRANGE SEASIDE DANGERS - OLD MAN IN A ROW BOAT LOOKS BEHIND HIM - HUGE SHIP HEADING RIGHT AT HIM! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/182921.html


STRANGE SERIAL VIEW OF RICE FIELDS IN YUNNAN CHINA - AMAZING COLORS! - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/182982.html


STRANGE UNEARTHED TOMB - COMPLETE SKELETON WITH NUMEROUS GOLD MEDALLIONS, BRACELETS, BUTTONS, POTS AND TOOLS - AXES - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/182983.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - STRANGE Street Signs - Billboards - Company Names

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/16_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Strange Medicine Labels - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/182842.html


Strange Food Facts - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/182909.html


New Medications for Women Only - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/105865.html


New Words - New Definitions - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/106434.html


Strange "Rage" Incidents Around The World - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/106285.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - STRANGE Street Signs - Billboards - Company Names

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/110_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites


Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

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HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!
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Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings


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Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

[b3ta] "PRINT IT OUT! WIPE YOUR ARSE ON IT!"

 

This Week:
* OLYMPICS - Shoot the protesters game
* THE RAID - Claymation bloodbath
* REPUBLICAN BUTTPLUGS - Sexed-up figures

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're buying 1 share
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in Facebook...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"

B3ta email 529 - 18 May 2012

Read this issue wearing sexy knickers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue529

Kisses : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Pisses : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
eToro trading

eToro is a currency and commodities exchange
platform that lets you practise trading if you
are a bit wary, and you can see the most
successful traders and just copy their moves
if you want. Basically if you've fancied
having a go trading but don't know what to do
it's a good place to start as you can watch
and learn without damaging your own money.
http://bit.ly/J68CLN


>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

>> Olympics missile defender <<
"Would a game where the Olympic mascots fire
rooftop missiles at protests be a bad idea?"
asks Tom Scott. "Oh. Well, I made one anyway."
Defend the Olympics, foil terrorist plots.
http://www.tomscott.com/olympics/

>> Claycat's THE RAID <<
"Claycation, am i right?" queries
leehardcastle, inexplicably. We haven't seen
the film this is based on but, crikey, it's a
bloody, ultra-violent treat!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Claycats_THE_RAID

>> iPad beatbox app thing <<
"This is my big bedroom project of the year so
far," confesses karls. "Your inner
electro-monkey may become extremely
titillated. Please tell your friends who might
like it. I really want this to be my job!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Victorian_era_beatbox_app_thing

>> Shrimp <<
"Time to get old-school!" yells Weebl,
wheeling out an infectious glockenspiel.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shrimp

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Shops and Supermarkets

We asked for your shop tales from either
side of the counter. There's a lot of stinking,
pissy customers out there:
http://b3ta.com/questions/shopsandsupermarkets/

* BRIANS - "I've delivered to many
supermarkets and the back door staff usually
contain the same two guys, Brian and Darren.
They don't work the floor for reasons that
will become clear. Brian is the big lad; very
strong, very tall and very, very slow. But
wouldn't hurt a fly. Darren is the opposite.
Scrawny and foulmouthed, he lives to bark
orders at the Brian and act the cunt. One
glorious day, I saw a Brian retaliate. Darren
was snarling his usual, "Get a move on, you
fat, useless bastard" But Brians only have one
speed, in case they lose count of their feet.
Darren shouted, "You'd move quicker if yer Mum
wanted fucking." Brian picked him up and
shoved him head first into the refuse chute -
the chute with a one-way flap that led to a
skip with no exit. I told Brian's disciplinary
hearing quite a lot of lies, and he kept his
job." (all my scars face forward)

* CLINGFILM - "About 20 years ago, I was
working in a fairly nondescript pub, situated
on a busy road with very few walk-in clients.
The owner dreamed up a sure-fire strategy to
boost punters: employ naked women. He arranged
for two "hot chicks" to arrive at 3 o'clock
each day, get naked and wander around behind
the bar. The male staff were to wear formal
attire to complete the transformation into an
upmarket masturbatoriam. It was shit. There
was a building site next door and, as
predicted, once word had got out about the
"naked chick pub" every afternoon we'd be full
of pissed up, slathering labourers. Then the
Health Authorities got wind and told the owner
he had to cover up the girls, as presumably
there was a risk of a badly-wiped arse or evil
minge-vapours infecting the beer. Not wanting
to lose his hard gained hordes of sad
masturbators, he wrapped the girls in...
clingfilm. Now, a shapely woman in a
tight-fitting dress looks magnificent, with a
degree of mystery from the exciting bits being
covered up. A woman wrapped in clingfilm just
looks plain fucking weird. Everything gets
squashed and grossly distorted. Especially the
pubes. Imagine a big black spider squashed
beneath a pane of glass. Worse was that
clingfilm doesn't breathe, so there was a lot
of misting, sweating and body odour. Business
dropped off as the display of squished flesh
was too much even for the most hardened
drinker. I left not long after, cured of any
desire to ever enter a strip club." (Ken Oath)

* ONLINE - "I'd used the Tesco website a
couple of times before, and I don't know
exactly how it happened - some computer
glitch, or, more likely, my brain spazzed and
thought I'd got everything for the week.
Whatever - the next day my allotted time came,
the delivery van arrived and I opened the door
not to a small tower of those plastic boxes,
but a grinning driver holding a small paper
bag. The bag contained one single, solitary,
mushroom. I'm sure somebody had gone out of
their way to find the single finest specimen
as it was absolutely perfect, proportioned,
shaped, not a blemish on it. Just not enough
to make a spag bol though." (real)

>> This Week - Sex Toys <<
In which we discover why there are no
batteries in the telly remote. Tell us what
you use to get yourself off:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sextoys/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Design your own custom doll <<
Like the character customisation screen on any
number of computer games, except that the end
result is you get mailed a slightly
spooky-looking little doll. Did we say doll?
We meant action figure.
http://makie.me/

>> "Blow Job Portraits" <<
Don't worry, it's entirely safe for work.
Photographer lines up volunteers and snaps
headshots while they are blasted with
compressed air. Some hilarious (and slightly
disgusting) expressions on show.
http://bit.ly/JMAfLV

>> How Yahoo murdered Flickr <<
Scathing analysis of just how badly the
internet giant dropped the ball, when it
acquired then-hot photo-sharing site Flickr.
They coulda been a Facebook, damnit!
http://gizmo.do/L3tC4t

>> Hand-carved tyres <<
Remarkably intricate works of art, to adorn
the wheels of the super-rich.
http://www.wimdelvoye.be/tyres.php

>> Endless Nic Cage gifs <<
If you find Nicholas Cage to be watchable then
you are in for a treat. Anyone else? Sheer
madness.
http://gifolas-cage.tumblr.com/archive

>> Sorry Stewart Lee - we love you <<
Stewart Lee has been googling for nasty
comments about himself and sticking them on
his site. Three made by b3tans on /links.
http://www.stewartlee.co.uk/online_critiques.htm

>> 25 words that don't exist in English. <<
Handy list of words that express concepts we
don't have in English. Now, if you'll excuse
us, we've been struck with litost.
http://bit.ly/IhHLwP

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The web is now a shitty telly. Yay

>> Make a controller from anything <<
MaKey MaKey is a Kickstarter project for an
"invention kit". Basically, it lets you make a
computer interface from pretty much anything.
Our favourite was 'Banana Piano'.
http://kck.st/IT93rz

>> Grand Old Party buttplugs <<
Fun with data visualisation - voter approval
ratings for each of the Republican
presidential candidates, produced as a range
of handy buttplugs. The Santorum looks like
it would get medieval on your ass.
http://mepler.com/Grand-Old-Party

>> European borders over the last 1,000 years <<
The shifting patterns of Europe's countries
over the last millennium. Watch the Mongol
Horde advance on Europe, see Germany come out
of nowhere and get huge, gasp as France
surrenders etc. etc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhvrOTcanmw

>> Pub dog <<
Gently charming animation about a dog in a
pub, in a slightly 'Simon's Cat' style.
http://bit.ly/JoM0nW

>> Dad & kids remake 'Sabotage' <<
The Beastie Boys' awesome Sabotage video
remade by a father and his kids, just mucking
about. Better than it sounds.
http://bit.ly/Kov4PT

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Frauline minge

The top two German URLs that almost look like
rude words for lady bits.
http://www.gunt.de/
http://autohaus-cuntz.de/

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Camels Challenge

Last week we asked you to salute the
camel.

Your favourites included:

* MUSICAL: they dance, they sing, they win the
image challenge (Clueless Egg Cunt)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10765451

* CLUNGE: DIY solution to age-old lady-problem
(Captn Hood-Butter)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10765775

* CANCER: magnificent, cigar-quaffing ship of
the desert animation (The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10766122

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/camels/

>> New challenge: Heaven <<
We pride ourselves on answering the Big
Questions here at b3ta, and this week's
challenge is to answer one of the very
biggest: what does Heaven look like?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/heaven/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* B3TA ART AUCTION - Happy Toast writes, "Just
wanted to say cheers to whoever was behind the
gaz system. I gave it a pretty strenuous
testing over the weekend sending messages back
and forth between the auction winners and
artists without the slightest hiccup. We've
raised about £1,300 with a few bits yet to come
in, plus the follow-on live auction at the
London bash still to go. So, all in all, lovely
generous b3tards all round. All money donated
to The Cats Survival Trust where Nina the b3ta
snow leopard lives."

* INTERVIEW WITH ASHENS - your favourite B3tan
who's made a career about of reviewing
electronic tat on YouTube has done an
interview with Reddit.
http://t.co/RkpleMc2

* LOTS OF FOLLOWERS FOR BANKSY - old-school
B3tan @Toastmaster who made the Banksy twitter
account has now got lots of followers thanks
to you. Nearly 5,000 of the buggers.
https://twitter.com/#!/BanksyIdeas

* B3TA PHOTOSHOPS COME TRUE - Mystery Bob
writes, "Nearly 10 years ago, I made this
picture for B3ta (and got my second ever
frontpage.. woo). Just recently I was given
this as a gift... I wonder what stuff popping
up on the board today will be available for
real in 10 years' time. I really hope it's not
any of Cyriak's stuff."
http://b3ta.com/board/392646
http://amzn.to/JcpcgB

* YOUR OWN DAN BULL SONG - "I'm selling a
customised song on eBay," reveals rapmeister
Dan Bull. ('rapmeister' is what the kids call
it, right?) "I'll write & record a track about
anything you want!" Carve yourselves off a
little piece of history.
http://t.co/IyGuX2Np

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* LEVESON LOLS - tom.kimble asks, "I wonder
if, in the style of 'I'm not here to Make
Friends' or the 'Like' mash-up from 'When
Fearne met Peaches', one of your b3tans might
be able create a video combining all of the
instances in the Leveson enquiry when News
International employees were unable to recall
things."

* A TUMBLR OF THE LOWEST-QUALITY
HIGHEST-PRICED PROPERTY IN THE UK - we'll
start you off with this lovely place; a snip
at £175k
http://bit.ly/J5FRib

* SNOT AS SEASONING - if your snot is anything
like ours it's pretty damn salty. Ideal for
flavouring soup or pasta.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Sex piss: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Dog piss: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jms,
HappyToast, Abercadabra, &#8207;@kingjaynl,
@matlock, &#8207;@RobBoella, Tab Hunter,
UltimateMonkey, adfsingh, atomicstate Image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Top tip via Pope Shax IX
Subjlols via @mathmif.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Convince friends that you have a cat by shitting
and puking on the carpet and shredding furniture
with a Stanley knife.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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