This Week:
* SONG - Jonti sings about pork
* 'FUNNY' NAME CORNER - Isle of Man Meat
* SEX SEX SEX - the word sex written thrice
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B3ta email 305 - 30 Nov 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Grey, Pork, Wallets and Porn
>> Pork! <<
Jonti this week usurps Joel's meaty crown with
this heartfelt paean to this most disturbingly
delicious product of the butcher's craft. It's
a cavalcade of cavorting, gurning swine who
are pleased to meet you.
http://www.weebls-
>> All the crap in my wallet <<
As all men know, the bulk and heft of your
wallet is a direct reflection of your manhood.
And that is why we stuff them with every
receipt, sweet wrapper or Tube ticket that
passes through our hands. But there comes a
time when there's no room for money anymore -
then there's a clearout. New_matt has obliged
us with a pic of all the rubbish he fished out
of his. We're toying with the idea of stealing
his identity and using his WHSmith reward
points for evil.
http://www.allthecr
>> Pick me a porn name! <<
"Years ago i did some temp work filming porn,"
explains postbear. "The guys I worked for
recently asked if i wanted to shoot some more
for them. Needing cash and knowing it's
hilarious, I said yes. But I need a porn name
to work with. Please to assign me something
crude yet refined." He's keen to insist that
he is staying firmly *behind* the camera, but
we've all seen porn - things can get crazy.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Grey Bloke 11 <<
Madriot's Grey Bloke explains just how selfish
his ex-wife was. It rapidly becomes crystal
clear why he's perennially sat, glazed, in
front of the telly whenever we see him.
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Political Correctness Gone Mad
Last week we opened a can of worms and got you
all rabidly arguing with each other about PC:
http://b3ta.
Here's three stories that made us laugh:
* TYPO OF DOOM - "We'd been commissioned by a
rather large educational company to create a
web site that allowed children to play games
against each other. It was early in the
development stage, and we'd knocked together a
2D beat-em-up, mortal kombat style game.
Throughout the design phase the client had
specified that they would prefer one character
to be Caucasian and the other African
American, in order to appeal to the various
minority groups and appear welcoming. So we
settled upon a stocky, punkish sort of fellow
with a green Mohawk, and a tall, black
gangster kind of dude. We'd also inserted a
chat screen below the main action, where the
two kids fighting could communicate with each
other. All was going well with presenting this
to the client remotely: my boss was on-site
with the client talking them through it before
allowing one of the big honchos to play
against me, safely nestled back in our office.
We began and I noticed the movements of the
client's character were a bit erratic. I
initially assumed it was network lag, until I
notice he kept moving away from me. He was
confused as to which character was his, so I
attempted to help using the chat screen: "I'm
the punk, you're the bigger guy." Except,
during the creation the computer keyboard,
some intelligent bigot had decided to place
the B key right next to the N key. My quick
follow up of "*bigger" convinced no one that I
wasn't a racist." (striker84)
* MONKEY - "For some reason me and my wife
starting calling each other monkey. I'm a big
black guy. She's a petite white Russian girl.
Nothing racial in it, and it wasn't until I
mentioned to her once that she probably
shouldn't use it in public that I had to tell
her it's a racist term. In the pub, she's
forgotten, and says, "My little monkey, can
you get me a drink?" Silly eavesdropping
middle-aged yank woman at the table next to us
decides to intervene: "You shouldn't use that
language against that poor man. Just because
he is not white, you can't call him a monkey
and make him get you drinks!" My wife speaks
perfect English having lived in Australia
since she was 17 and now in London, but turned
up the Russian accent and responded back, "I'm
sorry, what do you call your niggers here?"
The woman stammered, thought for a second,
then said, "We call them African-English"
WTF? If I'd been able to stop cracking up at
the bar, I would have told her off for that."
(Kaer)
* SPAZ - "Once in a supermarket, the young guy
on the checkout had what I assume was a form
of motor neurone disease. He asked how I was,
we made smalltalk, he was steadily keying
stuff into the till, and even helped me pack.
Although he had trouble opening a couple of
carrier bags. I paid and he looked at me
sheepishly as he took several attempts to fish
the correct change from the till. I grinned
and said, "you take your time mate". However,
the woman behind me was huffing and puffing
and getting impatient, and started taking
stuff off the belt back into her basket to go
to another checkout. I tutted, and he called
over to her in an exaggerated accent, "Is it
'cos I'm a spaz?" I laughed so hard, my knees
buckled and I had to put my shopping down."
(just1bloke)
>> This Week's Question <<
Got a mate who lies through their teeth? How
far did they go before it all came crashing
down around them? Tell us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Weird static game <<
We don't normally linky PC games that you have
to download and install, but we're making an
exception for this oddity. A platform game
played entirely in static, combining
properties of both schizophrenia and Manic
Miner, if you play it and develop epilepsy,
don't come crying to us, because we have no
time for your internet tears.
http://silverspaces
>> Mr Splashy Pants <<
Greenpeace has stuck up a poll to name a
whale, including an obvious winner, Mr Splashy
Pants. A B3tard named 'mince' stuck up a
message on our links board, 'I say we all vote
for 'Mr Splashy Pants' - the only good one on
there!' At the time Splashy was languishing at
1%, this sparked a bit of a campaign, and a
few days later it's a 71% win for the
amusingly-named blubbery mammal. We can only
wonder if the 'Mr Splashy Pants effect' will
now be used to describe the internet's
tendency to always vote for the silliest
option. Remember the poll about The Spice
Girls being forced to play in Baghdad? Now
you'll be able to say - with the full
authority of the B3ta newsletter - ah that's
the Mr Splashy Pants Effect.
http://vote.
>> Lol vogue <<
We're getting some easy laughs looking at
silly fashion photos captioned with lolcat
stylee phrasing. All together now, "OH. HAI. I
NIDDED YOU A SCARF." BTW: We're also amused
that we can no longer see the font 'impact'
without reading it in a lolcat voice. Which
makes old KLF CDs more amusing than they
should be.
http://snipurl.
>> We *heart* Phillip Schofield <<
Being followers of Phillip since his days in
the broom cupboard, to his starring role in
Joseph in the West End, and most recently on
the coach with Fern ion This Morning, we're
delighted to join our fellow Phil fans on this
fantastic website.
http://www.schofiel
>> Secret photos! <<
Visit a museum these days and there's bound to
be a sign saying "no photography"
bit cunty, as it's simply a way of getting
punters to pay for crap postcards in
gift-shops. So erect penis yays to
strictlynophotograp
camera phone anarchists. Up the revolution
kids.
http://strictlynoph
>> Gay science <<
Can't remember for the life of us what this
link was about, but we remember reading it two
in the morning going, "oh, that's interesting,
oh that's a bit obvious, oh that's really
interesting.
the same experience, thanks b3ta! you're
really spoiling us!
http://snipurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Only two vids - but it's the two BESTEST vids
>> Billys Bailey and Bragg duet <<
A heart-warming sight as legendary protest
rocker Billy Bragg takes to the stage with
Bill Bailey to sing the Bragg parody song
Unisex Chip Shop.
http://www.b3ta.
>> World's fastest clapper <<
It's a fairly useless talent, but this is Kent
Toast's claim to fame. He's an engaging chap
and it's undeniable that he can move his hands
very quickly, but the faces that he pulls are
a mite disturbing.
http://snipurl.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Renamed 'omg funny rofls' corner
* ISLEOFMANMEAT.
name out loud whilst at the Good Food Show,"
explains Tunstall. We can only imagine the
looks that drew, sounding as it does like some
sort of cri de couer. Anyway, anyone else
wishing to pursue their love of man-meat can
find them at:
http://www.isleofma
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Transformers Challenge
To mark the DVD release of the Transformers
movie on December 3rd, Paramount gave us lots
of prizes.
And the winners are:
* CLOTHBOT - Sheep won with a surprisingly
late entry, proving you can enter an image
challenge the day before it closes and still
get enough votes (an amazing 249!) to win. He
fully deserves his new Macbook, which we're
told will be ordered next week and sent
shortly after. BTW: Click the Youtube linky to
see it in its full coloured glory.
http://www.b3ta.
* TEABOT - HappyToast's entry was a firm
favourite at B3ta Towers, as for our money,
there's nothing funnier than a cup that pisses
tea. And guess what? Mr Toast is SUCH a nice
man he's donated his prize of a HD DVD player
to Great Ormond Street Hospital.
http://www.b3ta.
* RUNNERS UP - and we also had DVDs to give
away to c_kick, Zak McFlimby, Mystery Bob,
collapsibletank & mutated monty. And a special
mention to C_kick who put in an extraordinary
effort with his monstrous church:
http://www.b3ta.
* AND FINALLY - it would be RUDE not mention
Cyriak's entry, as it's a perfect
representation of how certain members of the
team feel after a night on the tramp juice.
http://www.b3ta.
All these entries, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here, and to keep our
challenge sponsor happy, "remember, remember
the 3rd of December, for that's when the
Transformers DVD is in the shops." Right,
moving on swiftly!
http://b3ta.
>> New challenge: Animal Suicides <<
Do animals commit suicide? Yes, of course they
do... and more often than not it's in grim,
horrific, bloody ways. Please show us how.
Challenge inspired by Evilscary.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* IF I COULD SHIT OUT MY COCK - older readers
may remember your Ginger Fuhrer's scatological
penis song, a satirical message on people
willing to do anything for fame, but using a
metaphor so disgusting that few grasped the
soul searching the toilet humour. Anyway,
there's a story doing the rounds at the
moment, about a botched colostomy reversal
which has resulted in a man literally crapping
out of his todger. B3ta HQ has now been sent
this link upwards of 20 times, and it's
amusing to know that when people hear about
people pissing shit they think "aha! Rob
Manuel!"
http://snipurl.
* BIG LOVE TO SACKED TUBE LADY - the now fired
voice of the the London Underground, Emma
Clarke who we interviewed back in 2002, you
must have caught the story, it's been
everywhere. She writes to us, "How far has the
story travelled? I've been called by the press
in the States, Canada, Italy, Germany, Spain
and news of the story has spread all over the
world. A very nice man from the Caribbean rang
to tell me he likes my voice very much and
would I do his answerphone for him. I haven't
been able to check where the site visitors have
come from because my site's buckled because of
the demand for the mp3s. It's currently
offline but the techies tell me it should be
fit and well again very soon. I absolutely
promise, honest promise that this isn't some
bizarre conspiracy PR exploitation scam. Being
a global news story wasn't part of my agenda as
I dropped the kids off at school yesterday
morning." Anyway, if you work in advertising
and need someone do some V/O then give Emma a
bell, because surely there's a bit of PR value
out of giving her some work in her hour of need?
http://www.emmaclar
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: FRIDAY GAME
Nerds and fluff
>> Name all the HTML elements <<
We know we have two kinds of reader here at
b3ta. Here's a test to see just how strong
your net nerd credentials are by naming as
many HTML elements as you can in 5 minutes. To
our dismay we only got 41. Stupid <FORM>
crap...
http://www.justsayh
>> Catch the cat <<
And for the rest of you; try to keep the cat
from running off the screen. At least, that's
what we're guessing. There isn't a lot of
feedback when you do it. For the trouble the
damn thing gave us, we were wanting a poison
dart to punish the pesky feline.
http://www.gamedesi
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we've written this section whilst
having an open book of old record covers on
our desk.
* ABBEY ROAD FROGGER FLASH GAME - try and get
the four Beatles across the road before being
hit by a truck.
* NIRVANA'S NEVERMIND BABY SWIMMING POOL GAME
- Can you make the poor infant keep swimming
in his pursuit of a 10-dollar note on a
fishing hook? How far can you make him swim
before he drowns?
* HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW? - use
the 'Wisdom of Crowds' internet voting to see
if you are paying your breeder too much for
YOUR dog.
And finally a special request from b3tard
Woking Girl who puckers up her pretty mouth
and whispers, "I've got a mouse in my kitchen,
and mousetraps/sprays/
won't damn kill it. I'm sure some b3tan must
know how to build a better mousetrap, or just
exterminate the little bastard. I even put a
toy mouse out in the hope it would fall in
love and we'd catch it. Nothing. Help, please.
Thanks in advance."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob 'Rob Manuel'
Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
DR BEN and grey kid. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. We love b4ta. Subj from Monkeon.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Just seen a sign outside B&Q: "Stainless Steel
Sinks". Bit obvious, I thought.
http://www.sickiped
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