This Week:
* PROPOSAL - Marry a B3ta lady!
* ANIM - Kitten warfare
* QUESTION - Worst flatmates
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're not really
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | saving the web
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B3ta email 367 - 27 Feb 2009
Load this issue on your Amstrad iPhone
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Shaun Ryder Jigsaw
"Son, I'm 40, I only went with yer mam coz I'm
portly." Who can forget the great lyrics of
Shaun "X" Ryder? Celebrate your Madchester youth
with this lovingly handmade jigsaw of the Happy
Mondays head-honcho looking a bit fat and
sweaty on stage.
http://www.amazon.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Kitten war, Graybloke Facebloke, Narwhals and Marriage
>> Kitten War <<
"I've got a real epic this week," beams a proud
Joel Veitch. "Weep at the futility of war. Weep
at the lost innocence. Weep at the horror...
the horror... of Kitten War!" (no relation to
the famous website of the same name)
http://rathergood.
>> Weebl vs. Ghostbusters <<
Jonti Picking is a lovely man who used to live
in B3ta HQ until he met his charming wife and
moved out to make babies. Recently he's been
beavering away making adverts for Cadbury's
Creme Eggs, and the latest is based on the
movie Ghostbusters. These choccy webspots
are in a series of five, with the next one
parodying Sci-Fi epic Sunshine. Anyway, make
sure you watch it so Jonti can afford some baby
wipes and nipple cream. BTW: He also tells us
that he's working on a TV ad for a 188 service
based upon the Magical Trevor tune.
http://www.goovies.
>> Graybloke talks social networking <<
Madriot's monochrome alter-ego reminds us all
why we're hesitant to go on Facebook. "I was
quite pleased with this one," explains the
divine Mr M. "Even though it's painfully close
to being my reality.
http://www.b3ta.
>> B3ta lady wants husband <<
"I am a 23 year-old student in my final year at
art college," writes Alexandraaa, "As part of
my course we have to complete a final major
project. For mine, I am going to attempt to
find myself a husband over the next three
months. I am not getting any younger and really
don't want to end up as a bitter old spinster,
covered in cats. Do you know anyone who fulfils
the following criteria and would be willing to
date me? 1. Male; 2. As tall or taller than me;
3. Sense of humour." If any readers fancy
getting married in the name of art, then check
out Alexandraaa'
to update my progress, and hope to be able to
exhibit a marriage certificate as my final
piece in the exhibition."
http://joyfulcynics
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Hypocrisy
Last week we wanted your tales of hypocrisy and
got enough ranting and moralising to fill a
tabloid letters page for months:
http://b3ta.
* CARMA - "I'm actually ashamed of this one as
I nearly killed myself and 2 other people doing
this. I was driving home and came to a village
with a 40mph limit. Unfortunately, I was doing
about 70 at the 40 limit sign. The roundabout
was just after the sign and there was no way I
was going to stop. Ever. So I didn't and flew
across the mini(ish) roundabout at about 65.
Right across the front of the car on my right
which I damned nearly hit. My reason for not
stopping? I was on the phone. Who to? The guy
who I nearly hit. The hypocrisy? We were just
telling each other we really shouldn't be on
the phone while driving - shortly before a scream
from him and his OH as "some crazy bastard has
just driven over the roundabout at breakneck
speed nearly killing us all.... Hang on JTW -
was that you???" (james_tiger_
* MJOLNIR-ENVY - "Religious 'moralists' who
condemn what I do as a geneticist, citing that
I shouldn't be "playing God"... I don't condemn
you for "playing Thor" every time you go to hang
a new painting of Jesus with your handy hammer.
Get with the millennium." (jme)
* DON'T KNOW WHERE - "That Vera Lynn - pretends
to be all into animal rights, when her whole
lifestyle is based on royalties from a song
about whale meat." (apeloverage)
>> This Week's Question <<
We've returned to that QOTW comedy goldmine,
housemates. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Tiny Art Director <<
Bloke asks his four-year-old daughter what he
should draw. Then she tells him how much she
hates his work. e.g. "Stupid ugly angry monkey.
I hate him. His tummy and his belly button and
his eyebrows and his hands and his feet. And
his head too."
http://tinyartdirec
>> Pissglass <<
Classy tableware for your sophisticated dinner
parties. Works best with drinks that resemble
urine.
http://snipurl.
>> "My beautiful menstrual cycle" <<
Day-by-day pictures of a woman's cervix in
full-on gynaecological detail. There's a fair
amount of blood. Yes, we knew that'd get
you fapping. NSFW.
http://www.beautifu
>> Backwards game plots <<
Twitter-inspired collaborative effort at
pitching games which reverse existing
video-game plots. Eg. Donkey Kong: "Pauline
takes her boyfriend to the top of a building.
There, she dumps him for a giant ape, and the
heartbroken plumber climbs down the
scaffolding.
http://snipurl.
[justonemoregame_
>> Check out word of the day <<
This is either the unfortunate consequence of
using a random dictionary or a particularly
public way to kiss goodbye your employment on
Scrabble's website.
http://www.b3ta.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Almost funny, sometimes...
>> Robert Webb does Flashdance <<
Best known for his low-key performance in
Peepshow - who knew that Robert Webb had it in
him to pull off physical comedy? And he's
really good at dancing, and we kinda fancied
him in a completely "oh shit we're gay" kinda
way, like when Roger Taylor from Queen dressed
as a schoolgirl. As submitter planearm says,
"Definitely worth the licence fee for this
alone!"
http://www.b3ta.
>> Stop-motion rapist musical <<
Yes, that's right; a stop-motion rapist
musical. Critics long considered it impossible
to sensitively tell the story of basement
rape-dad Josef Fritzl in song, dance and
plasticine. This does not prove them wrong:
breathtakingly offensive.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Shake a Tail Feather <<
This little parakeet's whole-hearted
appreciation of vintage R&B can't fail to raise
a smile on even the thinnest of lips.
http://snipurl.
>> Rollercoaster Tycoon massacre <<
There's a whole genre of videos, building an
in-game rollercoaster to cause the most
catastrophic loss of human life. This one has
the inspired idea of having people queue along
the track.
http://www.b3ta.
>> The evils of coffee <<
French animated cautionary tale on the perils
of overindulgence in the little brown cup of
death.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Give us our money back! <<
Blokey takes it on himself to go collecting
donations from Royal Bank of Scotland employees
under the guise of organisation GMBYC. He
proceeds to tell them it stands for 'Give Us
Our Money Back You Cunts'. Must admit, we also
enjoyed seeing him then get a bollocking from
the police.
http://snipurl.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Lots of stuff for you to click, woo hoo!
* GOATSE WIN? - "In the constant quest for
finding Goatse-like logos, I think I've struck
goatse gold (if you can imagine such a thing),"
whimsies garethterrace. "A heating company
which associates itself with many flavours of
goatse, judging by the various different
coloured Mini-goatses they go for on the
website."
http://www.heatexlt
* NO, REALLY, HOW COULD THEY? - "I feel sure
that somebody must have pointed this out
already," opines hjb303, "Has nobody informed
Burger King of the UK slang phrase associated
with their new miniature meaty product?"
http://www.bk.
* CLICK THIS, GO ON - "Another improbable
name," shames meepmeep, "This one cannot
be real."
http://snipurl.
[news_bbc_co_
* AND THIS ONE, CLICKY-CLICK, "The missus and I
were being nice and middle class the other
evening," chatters Che Grimsdale, "listening to
the arts programme on BBC R4. We both sprayed
our tea over the rug when they mentioned a
certain French actress. See, in French the
surname is pronounced 'ardon, in case you
didn't know."
http://www.imdb.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Wii Challenge
Last week we wanted you to design the Wii games
Nintendo won't.
Your favourites included:
* MONTY - it's only a virtual fleshwound
(c_kick)
http://www.b3ta.
* JOUST - horse not included (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.
* NAZI - the ever-popular bunker diversion
(benkai)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Evolution <<
David Attenborough keeps banging on about
evolution, but he can't see where it's headed.
Show him how frogs, giraffes, monkeys, people
and the rest will evolve to cope with whatever
the future holds.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BEST OF TUBEDUBBER - "SauronWibble submitted
this," chirps Bobsworth, "It's so terrible and
incorrect in every way, and so hilarious." Yep,
Virginia Tech Massacre is now officially funny.
Hooray, and a one-way ticket to Hull please.
http://snipurl.
* WORD REPLACEMENT GAGS - ben_dadds smirks,
"re: substituting words in films; For many
years the replacement of the word "Fight" with
the word "wank" in the 8 rules of Fight Club
have kept me consistently amused."
The 8 Rules of Wank Club.
1st RULE: You do not talk about WANK CLUB.
2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about WANK CLUB.
3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or goes limp,
taps out the WANK is over.
4th RULE: Only two guys to a WANK.
5th RULE: One WANK at a time.
6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes.
7th RULE: WANKs will go on as long as they
have to.
8th RULE: If this is your first night at WANK
CLUB, you HAVE to WANK.
* THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN - Waynster states,
"Regarding this week's newsletter and request
for the Sisters of Mercy/Scooter video. I am in
the process of trying to go one better - my
mate is the bass player in the Sisters of Mercy
(and a big fan of Scooter, it turns out). He's
here in Amsterdam this week and I have
mentioned your request, so maybe he can
persuade the band to cover a Scooter song
during sound-check or something, just for b3ta.
If its possible, I'll make sure to video it and
send it over. Can't promise, but if they sample
a lot of the local produce they may indeed go
for it. Fingers crossed - I've let my mate know
and am just awaiting the feedback. He's the
sort to maybe go for it!"
* MOST CONFUSING LOST EMAIL OF THE WEEK -
brianarmstrong2 writes, "I love the bill so i
dont know why your just going to show it ones a
week so can you please leave it twice a week
four you had it three times then twice now you
are going to cut it down aagain.so please leave
it as it is please.please e-mail me please and
tell me why your going to cut it pleease.
thankyou.Brian" Um, quite how anyone can
confuse B3ta with a major UK TV broadcaster is
mind-boggling. We're a website with crappy
animated gifs on it that hasn't been properly
updated since 2001. FFS!
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: FRIDAY GAME
Don't Poo Your Pants
"I found this awesome game recently," shouts
Jody, "Simple narrative and very few options,
but enough scope (using achievements) for
players to replay several times. The
illustrations make it more interesting too."
http://snipurl.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* THISCAUSESCANCER.
blithers, "This week, I have read on the Daily
Mail that Facebook causes cancer. And on the
BBC, drinking ONE GLASS A DAY also causes it.
I'd love some sort of RSS feed just to see how
ridiculous scientific journalism gets. Get one
of the newsletter readers to do it."
* SPIDER CARDS - "You know how some credit card
companies let you get a custom photo on the
front of your credit card?" blurts iowaseven.
"How bout one with the $233.95 spider on the
front?"
* RANDOM ACTS OF DINNER-PARTY - "I have an idea
for THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE," chortles ljl of
w-rabbit.com fame, "walk out your front door
and invite the VERY first person you see over
to dinner."
Send contributions via the mail form. Or even
suggestions of things you'd like to see.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Seventh, Dang,
amoebaboy, the_log_knows, UTB, Pointy Head, and
planearm. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Holly Would.
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SICKIPEDIA:
My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other
day. That's the last time I buy Tesco Value
chloroform.
http://www.sickiped
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