This Week:
* WANKKING - Wanky shit demon lives!
* ATHEISTS - Make your own bus slogan tool
* DAILY MAIL - Goaste'd! Ha!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We feel guilty we're
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | offending strangers
__/____/____
B3ta Amsmail 364 - 5 Feb 2009
Read this issue on your Amsphone:
http://b3ta.
Lions: b3ta-subscribe@
Christians: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
What a load of Barclays
Despite the UK banking system wasting most of
their lenders' cash on unchecked credit for
pikeys, Barclays still has money to spunk on
poxy viral marketing schemes that'll get less
views than some lummox lighting his own farts
on YouTube. Fiddling whilst Rome is burning?
This is the bank that likes to say yes.
http://www.viralvid
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Touch our cyber-willies.
http://b3ta.
------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Wanking, buses and The Daily Mail
>> Wanky shit demon <<
"I've made something very special this week,"
crows an elated Joel Veitch. "The Wanky Shit
Demon! Easily the best thing we've ever done
I'm sure you will agree. And also really really
horrible as well." A rhapsody of brown (and
white) Playdoh.
http://www.rathergo
>> Bus slogan generator <<
Why should atheists have all the fun? Santa
Claws has made a handy slogan generator so you
can visualise your own random blurtings
enshrined on the side of a bus.
http://ruletheweb.
>> "I've just goatse'd the Daily Mail" <<
"The Daily Mail were linking to the big version
of my picture on the b3ta front page from the
title page of their website," explains The
Hedgehog From Hell, "So I changed the picture."
Yep, the Mail's front page was one click away
from the extended anus of internet legend. Four
hours later, they removed the link but The
Coast of Yemen managed to record the phenomenon
for posterity with trusty cameraphone.
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
School Days
We asked for your school memories. We've
collected some of the shorties here for your
amusement, but it's worth clicking for
Haha!Snakes' tale of revenge with foamy wee:
http://b3ta.
* THOR - "We had a substitute Religious
Education teacher many a year ago whose name I
can't remember, mostly because it was
unpronounceable - all I can remember is that he
had a face like a chihuahua, which got the
class calling him 'Mr Chihuahuaface'
sign of how tolerant he was, he went on to
introduce himself as Mr Chihuahuaface to the
other classes. He was, and I imagine still is,
a bit of a ledge. 'Right class, the task you've
been left with is to do a presentation on the
Christian creation story... however, as there
are so many religions out there, it's highly
possible that such dogma should not be taken
for granted. So go out and look at other
creation stories and let us know what you
think. Just to get you started, I'll do the
first presentation next week.' The next lesson,
Chihuahuaface turns up in full Viking regalia,
slams an inflatable hammer against the table
and screams: 'Behold mortals, I am Thor,
conqueror of worlds!' God bless you Mr
Chihuahuaface.
* BELM - "Late 70's, class photo day. My proud
mum has dressed little 6 year-old me in my
favourite Action Man army top. I'm originally
sat front and centre, but every time the
photographer yells for us all to say 'Cheese!'
I belm. Hard. I can't help myself. After a few
failed attempts he grasses me up and I'm forced
to stand next to the teacher so she can keep me
in line... but as the photographer gave the
fateful cue...I just couldn't resist.
(pooflake)
http://www.b3tards.
* HOOD - "Mistaking 'Home clothes day' for
fancy dress, I turn up to a playground teeming
with kappa tracksuit-clad five year-olds
dressed as Robin Hood. Tights and all."
(wordsworthless)
>> This Week's Question: pubs <<
What's the most incredible thing you've seen
happen in your local pub? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> I Lego NY <<
Homesick New Yorker mucks about with lego
bricks to recreate some of the distinctive
sights of his native city.
http://niemann.
>> Celebrity Twitter <<
"Stalk the celebrities on Twitter," claims this
collection of feeds. It's certainly an
interesting read, although we feel they're
somewhat stretching the definition of celebrity.
http://www.celebrit
>> Drawing toy likes music <<
Last week we featured a strange little
voice-activated online drawing toy. This week:
what happens when that toy hears indy rock.
http://strangenativ
>> Eric Baum fired from ebaumsworld <<
Some company bought 'lolmeisters' ebaumsworld,
then fired ebaum and his entire team. Angry
blog post, followed by a shedload of comments
from gleeful web ghouls, enjoying delicious
schadenfreude.
http://blog.
>> Beatles worst-to first countdown <<
Epic rundown of the entire Beatles discography,
ranked in reverse order of quality. Begins with
Revolution Number 9 (of course). But where will
it end?
http://snurl.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Russian lolcats
Who would have possibly thought that there's
cats who speak Russian? Turns out there's
millions of the buggers and they all speak the
mother tongue like Rasputin himself.
http://rolcats.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Youtube is a new and popular website shock
>> Kid trips out after going to the dentist <<
The last time we took LSD we thought we'd died
and everyone waiting outside some shitty
Wolverhampton nightclub was in Purgatory and
waiting to get into Heaven. Then a policeman
asked us what we were doing - we thought he
looked like Bertie Basset and said, "Getting
into the back of your car?" "Not on your life,
sunshine", he snarled back and told us to
"fucking grow up." This kid is having these
experiences early, and will hopefully be saved
from such things.
http://b3ta.
>> Bestest In The Barn <<
Charlie and Lola, sadly not the story of TV
Critic Charlie Brooker and his transsexual
girlfriend who "walked like a woman and talked
like a man", but a pre-schoolers' show on
cBeebies which, from this clip, is the most
uplifting thing ever created. We defy you not
to smile.
http://www.b3ta.
>> US News Blooper <<
"Trust me," whispers igotdamaged, "you will not
see this one coming..."
http://www.b3ta.
>> Censored Bill Hicks <<
David Letterman revisits a Bill Hicks routine
he rejected from his show in 1993, just months
before the much-admired funnyman died. Did he
make the right choice back then?
http://popwatch.
>> BBC hidden camera <<
BBC sets up a camera by some icy steps and
waits for people to fall over. Ok, it's a news
item about icy steps at a railway station, but
isn't it all a bit mean?
http://news.
>> Christian Bale flipout remix <<
Powerful dance remix of Christian Bale's recent
on-set rant against a hapless co-worker.
http://www.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Containing two "funny" names for once
* MIKE WANKUM - weatherman for a Boston TV
station and does a lot of work for a Chernobyl
kids charity. Which reminds of the old joke,
why don't Russian scientists wear y-fronts?
Because cher-knob-will-
mbehan!)
http://www.thebosto
* DR BEAT NOBS - "For your funny names
section," shouts mudskipper, "I humbly present
the Swiss Ambassador to New Zealand." Yep,
we're sure he gets lots of cock jokes, but do
his giggle and sing, "Emergency! Paging Dr.
Beat"?
http://www.swiss.
* EVERYONE LOVES A LARGE VAGINA - Alex Ottway
sniffs, "Not sure if you're going to be
inundated with this picture, but just in
case... It snowed the other day in Nottingham.
There's a webcam pointing over the Old Market
Square. Some people were playing at making
shapes in the snow...."
http://i161.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Cats, Meat and Stanley Kubrick Software
>> "I ate your cat" <<
So claims new_matt, and he'd like your help to
widely publicise the fact. Print out one of his
'cat found' posters, stick it up somewhere
local and send him a pic. The more people see
it the better. Or the more likely he'll get
beaten up, we suppose.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Jonti Picking vs Meat <<
We once went to the pub with Mr. Picking and
he'd stuffed his face with so much beef he
complained of going "meat blind." Although we
reckon Veitch could probably eat more meat than
Picking; should it be put to some kind of crazy
internet test?
http://www.weebls-
>> The Shining Computer Game (1982) <<
HappyToast brings the special sauce of retro
gaming to the wonderful kebab that is Stanley
Kubrick. Why can't all movie/game crossovers be
this good?
http://b3ta.
------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Embassy Challenge
Last week we wanted to know how to
protect the new US Embassy.
Your favourites included:
* FORCE - the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth. God help us.
(Afinkawan)
http://b3ta.
* DOGS - down in Battersea, the animal
population is ready to do its duty
(Smallbrainfield)
http://b3ta.
* FAGS - raising public alertness via
the medium of health warnings
(jonehboy)
http://b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.
>> New challenge: Petty Terrorism <<
Thanks to the Blitz spirit, big July
7th-style terror attacks have failed.
How can the bad guys bring down the
system from within, hitting us where
it really hurts... by thinking small?
http://b3ta.
>> Secondary Challenge: House of Whores <<
Mark Thomas is doing a new show about
the recent bribe-a-lord scandals and
wants YOU to design some cards to put in
phone boxes and hand out at shows.
'Hot new peer in town', 'Rent my ermine'
- you know the sort of thing.
Mark will pick a winner to receive a set
of bespoke hand-made ovoid wax-shelled
Chuckee Egg paint bombs, signed by his
good self. Oh yes.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MARKETING BOLLOCKS - "You maniacs! You posted
it! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!", emotes
thiswasmyclone, "Of course I refer to the link
of the Virgin complaint letter in the
newsletter. It's apparently a PR stunt by WCRS
to get Virgin in the press. I hope you're able
to sleep tonight knowing that you've just
contributed to the mighty Branson machine, thus
aiding in his quest to deflower all children
and violate all grannies across the land.
Personally, I feel dirty. And not in a good
way."
* STALKERS READ B3TA - Sahra heavily breathes
down the broadband, "After the latest
newsletter, I (and I know I'm not the only one)
did a little investigative work about this
Ariana & Russ business so I didn't have to wait
until next week's newsletter to find out. With
an unusual name I found Ms Preston in no time,
and seeing if I could find the broken ex
boyfriend I was told: 'Ariana has no friends
named Russ.' I think that says it all."
* GINGER FUHRER BABY NEWS - Huzzah for Stanley
William Manuel, born on Monday and weighing
8lbs 7oz. Well done to Mrs Fuhrer.
http://www.flickr.
* MEDIA MONKEY - your Fuhrer is also amused
that .net magazine ran his facetious reply to
their enquiry:
http://www.netmag.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Perfect Balance
"Get The Balance Right" sang Depeche Mode,
possibly in a spooky premonition of this quirky
little web game. Still, it beats OD'ing on
heroin and cocaine speedballs and dying twice.
Yes Dave Gahan, we mean you. BTW: Dave's
parents worked on the buses; his dad drove
whilst his mother was a clippy.
http://www.kongrega
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include - well,
actually sod that, here's just a list of recent
personal irritations with stuff:
* ONE SOCIAL NETWORK TO RULE THEM ALL - it's
dreadfully irritating to write a reply to
someone's Facebook update and then get no reply
as you realise it's syndicated tweets from
twitter. Or maybe we should just all just agree
to ignore each other.
* MAGAZINES SUBSCRIPTIONS AVAILABLE PROPERLY ON
AMAZON.CO.UK - and we don't mean giving them
money so they can send us a box with a number
in it that we then have to type into a web
page. What kind of retarded cretin thought that
up?
* DECENT VEG TO BE AVAILABLE IN CORNER SHOPS -
a couple of manky red onions with only 50%
usable flesh doesn't cut it sunshine.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us. Even the death threats.
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Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Coast Of Yemen,
LordMatthius, acid_kewpie and redazril.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sujlols via McBadger.
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TOP TIP:
Last week we suggested you make DIY Rennies
from Polos and some chalk. 13thfloor suggests,
"In an emergency indigestion situation, say a
Burger King lunch & all afternoon drinking
India Pale Ale, if you have no Rennies, eating
toothpaste will do the job just as well."
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SICKIPEDIA:
I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting
tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time.
It's fucking ten to one.
http://www.sickiped
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