Vol 864 - Dec. 30, 2009 - Strange New Year's Resolutions for Pets

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

Happy New Year!

A Few New Years Eve Toasts for your pals!

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The Lord gives our relatives,
Thank God we can choose our friends.

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Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!

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May you never lie, cheat, or drink.
But if you must lie, lie in each other's arms.
If you must cheat, cheat death.
And if you must drink, drink with all of us
because we love you.

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May we live to learn well, and learn to live well.
May you live as long as you want,
and never want as long as you live.

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Strange "Father Time" Quotes:

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Hector Berlioz

Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time. - Margaret Bonnano

Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river which carries me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire. - Jorge Louis Borges

Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. - Dion Boucicault

Oh Time! the beautifier of the dead, adorer of the ruin, comforter and only healer when the heart hath bled... Time, the avenger! - Lord Byron

One life - a little gleam of Time between two Eternities. - Thomas Carlyle

Take care of the minutes, for the hours will take care of themselves. - Lord Chesterfield

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - New Year's Resolutions for Pets

1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

2. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

3. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

4. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

5. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my butt.

7. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

8. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.

9. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

10. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

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Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

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Vol 863 - Dec. 27, 2009 - Dictionary For Women

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

Happy New Year!

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Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/inVol 862 - Dec. 23, 2009 -dex.html

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Strange Quotes About "Fools"

Get the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. - Frank Dane

A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave. - William Drummond

If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. - Anatole France

The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in his heart. - Benjamin Franklin

Fools' names, like fools' faces, Are often seen in public places. - Thomas Fuller

Zeal is fit only for wise men, but is found mostly in fools. - Thomas Fuller

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. - Baltasar Gracian

There are more fools in the world than there are people. - Heinrich Heine

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. - Rudyard Kipling "Plain Tales from the Hills"

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - Dictionary For Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

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Vol 862 - Dec. 23, 2009 - Top Ten Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From Kids

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

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==================================

Top 10 Christmas Quotes:

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other. - Burton Hillis

The only blind person at Christmastime is he who has not Christmas in his heart. - Helen Keller

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. - Dave Barry

Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas. -Dale Evans Rogers

This, the spirit of Christmas, that forever and ever endures. May it leave its richest blessing in the hearts of you and yours. - Author Unknown

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. - Victor Borge

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. - Larry Wilde

From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas brings us closer to each other. - Emily Matthews

The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas. - WC Jones

Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles.

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - Top Ten Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From Kids

10. "Remember me? I'm the kid with the weak bladder"

9. "You smell like supermarket gin"

8. "The real miracle on 34th Street would be if they accepted my mom's MasterCard"

7. "I want a 2004 Pontiac Aztec"

6. "Oh, by the way, if I don't get an X-Box, I'm gonna hunt you down, old man"

5. "I'm Jewish"

4. "I love you Kenny Rogers"

3. "Frankly I'm just here to humor my parents"

2. "While I'm talking to you, my mom is shoplifting blouses"

1. "Mom says you're my real daddy"

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==================================

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Vol 861 - Dec. 20, 2009 - Christmas Quiz - Can you Name These Carols?

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

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==================================

Christmas "Quotes"

"Do give books - religious or otherwise - for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal." - Lenore Hershey

"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." - Kin Hubbard

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." - Garrison Keillor

"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." - P. J. O'Rourke

"Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!" - Ogden Nash

For the Christmas season remember: Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN....
--- against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Christmas Quiz - Can you Name These Carols?

CAN YOU NAME THESE CHRISTMAS SONGS?

1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas

2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres

3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a precipitous darling

4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors

5. The apartment of two psychiatrists

6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist

7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis

8. Decorate the entryways

9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element

10. Oh small Israel urban center

11. Far off in a haybin

12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole

13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season

14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation

15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season

16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully

17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in the dark hours

18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction

19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe

20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory sense organ?

21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck

22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster

23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans

24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation, darling

Answers

1. Oh Holy Night

2. Jingle Bell Rock

3. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

4. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

5. The Nutcracker Suite

6. Little Drummer Boy

7. Silent Night

8. Deck the Halls

9. Silver Bells

10. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem

11. Away in a Manger

12. We Three Kings

13. The Twelve Days of Christmas

14. Go Tell It on the Mountain

15. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

16. Hark the Herald Angels Sing

17. While the Shepherds Guarded Their Flocks By Night

18. I Saw Three Ships

19. Joy to the World

20. Do You Hear What I Hear?

21. Carol of the Bells

22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

23. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

24. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

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WORLD'S LARGEST SAILING YACHT - MALTESE FALCON - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/158629.html

F-16 - READY TO BLAST OFF? - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/158165.html

STRANGE CELEBRITIES - SALMA HAYAK - GOOGLE GIRL! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/158656.html

ASTRONAUT SUNITA WILLIAMS PICTURES OF EARTH - PPS PRESENTATION - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/158723.html

STRANGE WATER PALS - HUMPBACK WHALE TOSSES DOLPHIN! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/158724.html

AUTHENTIC VAMPIRE PROTECTION AND KILLING KIT - 5 - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/158516.html

STRANGE CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT - HAND GRENADE! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/158742.html

STRANGE OLD EUROPEAN FARM TRACTORS - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/158692.html

STRANGEST ABANDONED BASEBALL STADIUM IN THE WORLD - OSAKA JAPAN! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/158530.html

STRANGE CANNED FOODS! - ROASTED CRICKETS WITH EGGS - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/156921.html

AMAZING SURFER IN THE TUBE! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/158606.html

STRANGE & UNUSUAL ROCK FORMATIONS - BALANCED ROCK - COLORADO, USA - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/157654.html

1914 - ARMORED RUSSIAN TANK/TRUCK - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/157815.html

UNIQUE COLLECTOR EDITION ENGRAVED HANDGUNS - MATCHED PAIR BLACK SILVER & GOLD AUTOMATICS - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/158796.html

AMISH MAN ARRESTED FOR DRUNKEN BUGGY DRIVING - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/158862.html

SANTA GET'S ZAPPED! - GIF ANIMATION - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/158608.html

UNIQUE COLLECTOR EDITION ENGRAVED HANDGUNS - LUCKY GAMBLER COLT REVOLVER - JOKERS AND DICE ENGRAVED! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/158820.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SZ - Pets - ALL Dressed Up - Embarrassing Costumes and Outfits

http://www.strangezoo.com/content/category/100012_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Actual Exam Questions and Answers From UK's GCSE Test - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/158782.html

Did You Know - Las Vegas Churches Accept Casino Gambling Chips - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/158864.html

Woman Driving Down Road Rescues Dog That Fell From the Sky - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/158784.html

Christmas Poem For Our Soldiers - MUST READ - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/23681.html

Christmas Jokes & Riddles - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/25226.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - OFFICE - Co-Workers - Computers - Bosses

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/14_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

New! --------------- NEW STRANGE WEBSITES!-------------------

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

-----------NEW -------------New! ---------------New! ----------

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

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[b3ta] "RIP Teletext. You were like the internet if it was bought from a pound shop."

 

This Week:
* ADVICE - How to cure the shits with Bisto
* SHIT LOLS - Best Xmas funny name ever. Promise.
* SCHADENFREUDE - What a difficult word to spell

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're building
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | global warming
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| snowmen... together"

B3ta email 409 - 18 Dec 2009

I'm 409 issues old, how am I supposed to look?
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue409/

Shrub: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unshrub: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Jackpotjoy Mobile

Fed up with the bankers getting all the big
bonuses this Christmas? With Jackpotjoy you can
play to Spank the Banker on Deal or No Deal,
and win over £100,000.00! Get a tax rebate in
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Play to win on both mobile and web, then go buy
yourself a moat!
http://www.jackpotjoymobile.com/b3ta

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Enhancement, Weather and Climbing

>> "Let's enhance" <<
"The quality isn't too good," complains dunk3d.
"If only there was a way of fixing that..."
Amusing montage of TV & film police
ridiculously 'enhancing' grainy crime scene
photos. The secret is to say "enhance" as often
as you can.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/406290

>> Star Wars weather <<
"I heard someone say 'It's like Hoth out here'
as the snow fell in London," explains Tom
Scott, "A few hours of messing about later,
here's the Star Wars Weather Forecast." Useful
to explain the weather to geeks who never leave
the house.
http://www.tomscott.com/weather/starwars/

>> Climbing In The Name Of <<
"Here it is," snarls Joel as he muscles into
the much-publicised battle for Christmas number
one with an utterly seamless mashup. Like ebony
and ivory, how can we disagree when the tunes
go together so beautifully. Thanks Joel.
http://www.rathergood.com/climb

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Asking people out

Last week we asked for your attempts at asking
people out. We liked jessemoya's science
experiment to discover if his lip ring got him
more action, but sadly it's undermined by his
natural angelic beauty. Jesse - you need to use
a munter as a control:
http://b3ta.com/questions/chattingup/

* RESENT - "At 13 the only thing to do in the
Suffolk town was going rollerskating. With our
own skates we were kings amongst men. I'd had
my eye on this girl and judging by the huddled
giggles her friends shared every time I skated
past, she/they had noticed. "Would you like to
go out with me?" she said. I GULPED and tried
not to let my weak knees give way to the wheels
attached to my feet. "Yes," I replied, probably
a little (lot) too eagerly. "That's a shame,"
she said through the beginnings of a laugh. "I
wouldn't like to go out with you!". Upon which
point her and her friends fell about laughing.
As did the crowd of mates who were standing
with me. About 5 years later when we had all
grown tall and old enough, nights out had moved
to the nightclub next door. Skating was for
kids. Pretending we were on drugs and raving
like mentals was where it was at. As I was
cutting shapes with my friends I noticed a girl
watching me with a group of friends at the side
of the dancefloor. "Shit," I thought, "That's
her and she's all grown up". Ambling up to her
I smiled and asked, "Would you like to dance
with me?" She looked at her friends, who gave
her not too subtle encouragement. "Yes," she
replied (a bit, no a LOT too eagerly - or so I
like to remember). "That's a shame," I replied,
"I wouldn't like to dance with you". I'll never
forget the look of embarrassment, realisation,
and anger crossing her face. I think I enjoyed
my revenge more than any grope of her big tits
on the comfy sofas at the back. (May not be
true)" (Galahad)

* DESCENT - "Rakky's guide to asking someone
out: 1. Select object of your desires. It is
important that he, whilst seeming normal and
well balanced, have some fundamental flaw
rendering him totally inaccessible, for
example, having a really possessive girlfriend,
or having been thoroughly screwed over in his
last relationship. EDIT. Or gay. 2. Make
friends with aforementioned object. 3. Develop
painful, overwhelming passionate crush. 4. Bore
friends with crush for 6-8 months. 5. Get drunk
and finally admit to object of desires that
you're desperately, hopelessly besotted with
them and ask will they go out with you. 6.
Publicly, react stoically and calmly when they
say no. In private, cry till you dehydrate. 7.
Wait five years. 8. Repeat steps 1 through 7.
9. After 3-4 iterations, admit defeat, adopt 14
cats and consign yourself to being the mad
woman with egg on her cardigan who lives at the
end of the street and shouts at children. Any
b3tards who wish to accompany me to the cat
shelter would be welcome." (Rakky)

* CONSENT - "Drunkenly stumbling back home
after a night out with my mates, I found myself
alone with one guy I didn't know very well.
However, he seemed intent on knowing me very,
very well. On the way, he uttered two lines
that I will never forget as long as I live:
"You're so pretty and delicate... you remind me
of my cousin." "Your... what?" "My cousin...
You look just like her." If these eerie
incestuous comments weren't enough, he followed
with the icing on the cake: "Would you give
me... consent?" Gentlemen, please, please do
not ask to sleep with a girl in the context of
not raping her. She won't like it at all."
(PanelDePon)

>> This Week's Question <<
To us, the world is just one long episode of
You've Been Framed. When have you laughed at
the misfortune of others? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schadenfreude/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Reclaim the Horns! <<
Concerned about rampant misuse of the Deadly
Horns of Rock, Twisted Sister's Dee Snider want
to claim them back for the misfits and losers
of full-on metaldom. Support him!
http://www.takebackthehorns.com/

>> Pee-pee and poo-poo disaster <<
True-life lols, as a shy bodybuilder recounts a
recent date. He avoids going to the toilet
until he's round her place, then needs to take
a dump and piss at the same time, but gets an
erection. Social anxiety horror ensues. MS
Paint pictures make it incredible.
http://snurl.com/poopanic

>> Miss Gibraltar 2009 <<
What to say about the Miss Gibraltar contestant
at the bottom of the page without coming across
as unduly harsh? Let's just say she's very,
very brave to enter a beauty contest. And by
"brave" we kind of mean "ugly".
http://www.chronicle.gi/headlines_details.php?id=15775

>> "I'm your biggest fan" <<
Disturbing fun for people with a Facebook
account. Don't worry, it's just a gag, he
doesn't really become your friend. Funny though.
http://www.limmy.com/biggestfan/

>> Watch a midget screw a huge fat black lady! <<
Some sort of karmasutra position-testing site,
this lets you pick two completely inappropriate
partners and force them to mate. No nudity, but
NSFW if your boss is sensitive and not blind
drunk by this point in the afternoon.
http://www.mykarmasutrabuddy.com/

>> Periodic Table gallery <<
Awesome photographic archive of all the
elements it's possible to photograph, plus
pictures of objects containing the elements
that can't be.
http://periodictable.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby hedgehogs

Gotta love the baby hedgepigs - if your heart
doesn't melt then you're clinically a
psychopath. True dat.
http://pixdaus.com/single.php?id=135192

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
No repeats on the inernet

>> Back to the Future weird pervyness <<
Virtually frame-by-frame re-examination of the
end of Back to the Future 3. Is Doc Brown's son
Verne played by a little boy, or a perverted
dwarf? Well, we know what our money's on but...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeO-MK0xUP4

>> I Need a Hand Job <<
Alarmingly knowing commercial for a domestic
labour-saving device. To the point that we
wondered if it was real. It's real enough that
they'll accept money to post you one.
http://www.ineedahandjob.com/

>> Drunk Pogues-singing <<
Here's the true definition of Christmas spirit,
as a brave young Scot gives a method rendition
of Fairytale of New York. The falling over
properly begins at 0:43.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jO_pdFxKNk

>> Gorgeous, carnivorous sea stars <<
Amazing footage from under the Antarctic ice of
the Ross Sea. Timelapse photography makes sea
stars, worms and sea-urchins bustle around in
the search for a meal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG17TsgV_qI

>> Truth in Advertising <<
Old but gold sketch, advertising execs voice
their venal, innermost thoughts as they put
together a multi-million dollar campaign.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Go_VtqtxCHY

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two penises, one silly name, a drum machine etc

* FOR XMAS - "I've been waiting for Christmas
to send you this. This chap works in our
Amsterdam office. I bet he *hates* this time of
year." (Scary Dave)
http://nl.linkedin.com/pub/rudolf-reinders/0/ab9/18b

* DIGITAL MARKETING COCKS - "Please enter this
into the phallic logo awards." (paltoft)
http://www.branded3.com

* COCK PILLOWS - "No wonder she got pregnant if
she's that obsessed with massive cocks." (Matt)
http://snurl.com/pillowcock

-------------------------------------------------

: "IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK" - win a book compo

Authors Ben & Jack have put together lots of
photos of stuff that looks like penises, and
last week we announced we had 6 to give away to
the best answers to our tie-breaker, "I love
cock because..." The winners include:

* "...I'm a cunt" (Barbarossa)
* "...it's only gay if you put both balls in
your mouth at once!" (mediocre)
* "...when in the bath with a broom-on you can
pretend you're a pirate ship." (St.Minimus)
* "...I've only got one leg." (Rudolph The
REddache Reindeer)
* "...I had mine cut off and made into a mimsy.
I have photos!" (Jayneflakes)
* "...it helps me forget about the cancer."
(Sister Nutmeat)

And if you fancy buying the book, then you'll
be wanting the Amazon linky won't you?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1408802457/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: IMODIUM ALTERNATIVES
Because those pills are simply evil

Last week we had the shits and we asked you for
suggestions to bung us up.

* CARBON OVERLOAD - "An old colleague of mine
- he was ex-army - used to recommend about 4
rounds of well-blackened toast. Apparently,
soldiers used to do this on patrol before they
had the luxury of imodium." (tombazza)

* NO FIBRE - "Eat a high-protein, low-fibre
diet. I've done just that this week, eating
lots of meat and cheese and no broccoli at all.
I went for three days between shits, and by the
time it came out it felt like it was tearing me
a new one." (Flake)

* BISTO - "Re your request for alternative ways
of curing the shits. My dear old mum always
swore Bisto powder was ideal for diarrhoea.
She'd say it didn't actually cure it as such,
but certainly thickened it up nicely!" (Stu)

* STATINS - "Since my doctor said I had to take
statins to lower my cholesterol in case I die
later on in life, I've been bunged up like lard
in the sewer outside a chip shop."
(bogeypie)

There you go. Who needs doctors?

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Christmas Challenge

Last week we wanted you to design Christmas
cards that told the truth.

Your favourites included:

* EVIL - nicely sinister adaptation of the
classic Serj Iulian original (drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9828873

* CHIMNEY - some aspects of Christmas should
come with a warning. This is one (Puromycin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9828120

* CRASH - those Christmas lights might not be a
tree, as Santa discovers to his cost (The
Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9828777

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/christmastruth/

>> New challenge: Frankenstein Food <<
We think that Cadbury and Marmite should get
together to invent the Cadbury Marmite Egg.
Mmmm-mmm. So this week's task is to invent
other unlikely combinations of foodstuffs that
really should be manufactured. Challenge
inspired by Griffy and suggested by Pytchblend
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/frankensteinfoods/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* WD40 DRUGS UPDATE - archiehollway writes,
"WD40 is used to stop people snorting coke off
the loos, as mentioned in the last newsletter.
But not because it burns the nostrils; bars do
it because if you put powder on a surface
covered with WD40 it'll just disperse. So now
you know."

* WHAT CASSETTEBOY DID NEXT - Mike Cassette
writes, "Here, some Cassetteboy stuff will
feature in a TV show called '2009 Unwrapped
with Miranda Hart'. It's on BBC2 on Wednesday
30 December, at 10.00pm, I think." Also his
latest vid is a departure in style - he's taken
his friend Shaun Pubis out round London. Shaun
improvised some raps and Cassetteboy cut it
up into a video thing. Interesting idea.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3gS4Uvsb7U

* BIKE LIGHT DISCOS - we asked what kids today
do instead of waving bike lights about.
Coobeastie writes, "If you still have an old
Nokia 3220 from about 2004, you can get some
clever plug-in doohickey that lets you wave rude
messages in the air. Finally I've found
something the fucking iPhone can't do."

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
The Alien at the Bottom of the Garden

Your Ginger Fuhrer writes - "We were asked to
make a game for kids, to encourage them to eat
better and take exercise. As all my instincts
are to take the piss, it was a surprising
commission, so I got in Matt Round and we
worked ever so hard to make something that
doesn't have a mocking bone in its body."
http://tinyurl.com/yeu72fd

BTW: If you want a game more suitable for
adults why not try Blosics - a 'destroy
buildings with physics' type thingie -
strangely satisfying.
http://www.lingolux.com/2009/12/16/blosics/

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

This week we're not going to write any jokes
but actually write about being the old gits
that we are:

* TIME TO READ - we've got this really great
book we want to read (Sebastian Faulk's
Birdsong) but we haven't managed more than a
chapter or two this week. Surely the government
should do something about this? Maybe turn off
children and the internet from 7 to 9 every
night?

* MORE HOURS TO SLEEP - last night we went to
bed at 7:30pm and we're still tired. What about a
40hr day and at least 25 of these dedicated to
bed?

* CUPS OF TEA THAT NEVER GO COLD - we're always
microwaving ours. How do you cope with cold tea?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chimpo2k,
mjd96, will, Ed Blackadder, Mr Gear, Doogie Talons,
Jen, Monty Propps, Dr. Dee, Christian Heilmann,
shanereynolds, jamescarlyle1. Game via Swany.
Cute via tom_pleasant. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Exu.
Sickipedia via mr stu pidtwat.

-------------------------------------------------

BBC News Headlines read, "Cheques to be phased
out by 2018." Fucking hell, not again. Hitler
tried that in 1939.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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Vol 860 - Dec. 16, 2009 - Strange Christmas Facts

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

Time for something NEW - we never disappoint!

Trapped at the office waiting for happy hour can be a snoozefest. No more. The Toilet Paper is daily email newsletter delivers the most shocking quotes, stats, facts, and lists about one noteworthy news topic each day. Laser sharp, bust out funny, and not afraid to cross the line. Sign up to make this happy hour part of your routine.

IT'S STRANGE! CHECK IT OUT - CLICK ON THIS LINK!
http://www.thetoiletpaper.com/?ref=30215

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Quotes About Santa:

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money? - Tom Armstrong

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple Black

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. - Victor Borge

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark. - Dick Gregory

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? - Arlo Guthrie

I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives. - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Christmas Facts

Xmas Facts

Saint Nicholas of Myra, the original Santa Claus, was the patron saint of children, thieves and pawnbrokers.

Based on previous surveys, 17 percent of you will embarrass yourselves in some way at your office Christmas party.

A Mongolian wild ass can run 8 mph faster than a reindeer.

It's Donder, not Donner.

Christmas pudding should be stirred from east to west.

56 percent of Americans sing holiday carols to their pets.

53 percent of Americans plan to "re-gift" this year.

1 in 3 men will wait until Christmas Eve to finish their shopping.

1 in 6 men would like to get rid of all the "gift-giving nonsense."

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

On Christmas Eve in 2001, the Bethlehem Hotel had 208 of its 210 rooms free.

It's "God rest ye merry, gentlemen," not "God rest ye, merry gentlemen."

There are 1.76 billion candy canes produced every year.

Kris Kringel, a man in his 40s, lives in North Pole, Alaska, and delivers pizzas for a living. He drives a 1984 Ford Tempo.

Based on a 1999 estimated population count of North America and Europe, on Christmas Eve of that year Santa Claus had to visit 42,466,666 homes in a 12-hour period -- that's 983 homes per second.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

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STRANGE DOG PICTURES! LITTLE KIDS AND HIS PAL! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/158531.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - FOREIGN CARS - ITALIAN - GERMAN - FRENCH - EUROPEAN

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100662_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

10 Strange Medical Syndromes - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/158725.html

Strange Secret Codes You Aren't Meant To Know - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/158726.html

Top 20 Strange Food Facts - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/158727.html

11 Foods That Will Make you Happy - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/157973.html

Christmas Quiz - Can you Name These Carols? - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/22460.html

Christmas Carols For The "Disturbed!" - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/121114.html

A Different Christmas Poem - (Military) - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/121131.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SV - FOREIGN CARS - ITALIAN - GERMAN - FRENCH - EUROPEAN

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/102_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

New! --------------- NEW STRANGE WEBSITES!-------------------

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

-----------NEW -------------New! ---------------New! ----------

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

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#1 Stranger

---------------------

Time for something NEW! - We never disappoint!

Trapped at the office waiting for happy hour can be a snoozefest. No more. The Toilet Paper is daily email newsletter delivers the most shocking quotes, stats, facts, and lists about one noteworthy news topic each day. Laser sharp, bust out funny, and not afraid to cross the line. Sign up to make this happy hour part of your routine.

IT'S STRANGE! CHECK IT OUT - CLICK ON THIS LINK!
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Vol 859 - Dec. 13, 2009 - Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

Time for something NEW - we never disappoint!

Trapped at the office waiting for happy hour can be a snoozefest. No more. The Toilet Paper is daily email newsletter delivers the most shocking quotes, stats, facts, and lists about one noteworthy news topic each day. Laser sharp, bust out funny, and not afraid to cross the line. Sign up to make this happy hour part of your routine.

IT'S STRANGE! CHECK IT OUT - CLICK ON THIS LINK!
http://www.thetoiletpaper.com/?ref=30215

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Quotes About Santa:

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money? - Tom Armstrong

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple Black

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. - Victor Borge

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark. - Dick Gregory

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? - Arlo Guthrie

I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives. - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - - Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drummin

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses.

And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Submitted by Diane K ! Thanks

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

HUMOR IN THE NFL - TEXANS/JAGUARS GAME SALUTE TIGER! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/158666.html

AMAZING US FLAG PHOTO - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/158452.html

RED ARROWS AIR SHOW DEMO TEAM - AWESOME RAINBOW FLY BY! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/158168.html

STRANGE WATERFALL ANIMATION - GIF - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/158459.html

TROOP TRANSPORT - THE WHOLE UNIT! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/158460.html

WWII - BARRAGE BALLOONS OVER LST'S ON NORMANDY BEACH - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/158461.html

STRANGE RUSSIAN INDUSTRIAL WORK TRAINS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/158471.html

MYSTERIOUS BLUE LIGHT SPIRAL HOVERS OVER NORWAY - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/158512.html

AUTHENTIC VAMPIRE PROTECTION AND KILLING KIT - 6 - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/158515.html

STRANGE ALBINO ANIMALS - ZEBRA - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/158029.html

STRANGE JET POWERED MILITARY HELICOPTER - CARGO - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/158244.html

STRANGE SNAKES - OPEN WIDE - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/158423.html

1940'S AUTOMOBILE MIDDLE EAST SMOKING HOOKAH PIPE - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/158046.html

STRANGE DRUG SMUGGLING CASES - COKE FOUND IN SHIPMENT OF TUNA CANS - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/157141.html

STRANGE WEATHER VANES AROUND THE WORLD - STRANGE ROCKING CHAIR - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/157299.html

1958 - CAR OF THE FUTURE ! - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/157809.html

STRANGE TRUCKS - JACKED UP STRETCH CHEVY TAHOE - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/157883.html

BLONDE RUNS OUT OF GAS - DANGEROUS REFUELING W/ CIGARETTE - http://www.strangeblondes.com/content/item/158528.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - * STRANGE PEOPLE - Scary & Just Plain Dumb!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/31_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

The Strange History of a Popular Christmas Carol - The 12 Days of Christmas! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/158418.html

A Classic Italian Christmas - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/113433.html

Strange Christmas Facts - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/104644.html

Strange Christmas Traditions - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/104564.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - OFFICE - Co-Workers - Computers - Bosses

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/14_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All of the Recent New Additions at the "Strange" Family Websites

New! --------------- NEW STRANGE WEBSITES!-------------------

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

-----------NEW -------------New! ---------------New! ----------

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

********** This message printed on recyclable media*********** (Think about it!)

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

Time for something NEW! - We never disappoint!

Trapped at the office waiting for happy hour can be a snoozefest. No more. The Toilet Paper is daily email newsletter delivers the most shocking quotes, stats, facts, and lists about one noteworthy news topic each day. Laser sharp, bust out funny, and not afraid to cross the line. Sign up to make this happy hour part of your routine.

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[b3ta] "I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea."

 

This Week:
* VIDS - Have a Hibbetty Christmas!
* PUNS - Are mightier than the swede
* NEIGHBOUR HATE - Passive Aggressive WiFi

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | docs by pressing
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| CTRL + S"

B3ta dog egg 408 - 11 Dec 2009

Reap what you sow puny human:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue408/

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Dissubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Sonisphere festival

Iron Maiden, Rammstein, Motley Crue, Alice
Cooper, Iggy and the Stooges, Slayer, The Cult
and Anthrax are all going to rock Knebworth
from Friday the 30th of July to Sunday the 1st
of August 2010. Get your tickets before they
sell out. C'mon. FUCKING Rammstein, man! They'll
probably paint themselves blue and everything.
http://uk.sonispherefestivals.com/

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots of stuff that will make your pee-pee hard

>> MJ Hibbett does Xmas <<
MJ asked people to send him videos telling him
what they wanted for Christmas. "I had SO may
clips sent in," writes MJ, "I ended up having
to make two; one for the ladies, one for the
gentlemen." The results are utterly charming,
like slightly shonky Boots ads made by a
Morrissey fan. Give this man a multi-million
pound contract to change the face of Christmas
advertising forever.
http://www.mjhibbett.net/christmas.htm

>> Call for content: pun based gags <<
"I luv puns," confesses Andrew Magurran, "So I
made a pun-based web utopia. Thing is, I need
more puns. Please tell everyone to give me more
puns. More puns. Puns." We know all about puns
at B3ta HQ. The Ginger Fuhrer suffers from a
unique brand of Tourettes that forces the
afflicted to spew a constant tide of puns. e.g.
Let's start a band called The Sax Pistols!
Pun's not dead you know.
http://www.punderland.com

>> The Web for Beginners <<
B3ta man of the moment Cassetteboy is following
up his smash hits involving Alan Sugar and Nick
Griffin. After tackling those titans, he now
takes on the web itself. We rather liked
Stephen Fry's blouse.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Web_for_Beginners

>> Zombie kitten apocalypse <<
"The zombie kitten apocalypse has arrived,"
raves Mutated Monty. "A new animation by me
and SarahBear, it's not for the squeamish." Cute
and a bit gothy - it's like Tim Burton does
Anime.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/MEOW:3

-------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------

"IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK" - win a book compo

Authors Ben & Jack have put together lots of
photos of stuff that looks like penises, shoved
it into a book and figured it would fit in with
B3ta. Anyway, we've got 6 copies to give away.
Complete this tie-breaker in 15 words or less.
"I love cock because... "
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9830507

-------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 1
Presents - we forgot to run this bit last week

Stuck for buying present ideas for the official
b3ta wife and children we thought we'd ask the
B3tans what they're buying their nearest and
dearest so we could crib inspiration.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/present/

Of course most of you have written jokes and
we're still absolutely fucked in the present
buying dept.

* SWEETS - "I'm going to give my nephews and nieces
radioactive sweets. I can't wait to see their
glowing little faeces....." (vinny)

* WII - "My niece told me she wanted a Wii for
Christmas. I can't wait to see the look on her
face when she realises I've given her a jam jar
full of piss." (ralphseviltwin)

* BOOZE - "Gave my wife the best Christmas
present she could have wished for today. Went
to my first AA meeting. Day one and counting.
Apologies for lack of funnies." (capo) - No gag
here, we're simply interested to see how this
turns out. Good luck Capo.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/present/post581254

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 2
Failed Projects

Last week we had a minor panic attack about
projects we've ballsed-up in the past and
thought you might like to confess all:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/worldoffail/

* 4x4xFAIL - "Many years ago I was helping a
friend build a nice big garage across the end
of his garden. He had a partially complete
LWB Land Rover parked where we were going
to build. We tried pushing it but those fuckers
weigh a ton, so he suggested he'd get the
starter motor wired up later in the day and
"Just move it up the garden a bit." The next
morning we arrived to find it 150ft away,
right up by his house, with a trail of flattened
wendy houses, swings and sandpits in its wake.
Apparently he'd started it, ground it into
gear and set off only to remember he hadn't
connected the brakes. Struggling to get it
out of gear, the 4WD behemoth crashed its
way towards his kitchen, much to the shock of
his wife who was washing up at the time. We
laughed about it for a few weeks, until we
realized that, having built the garage, there
was now no way of getting the Land Rover out
of the garden."
(KipperFillets)

* PUPPY - "Summer hols and myself and Mark
are bored. What would cheer us up? A puppy.
Where can we get one? Dunno. Why don't we make
one? Brilliant. Our rudimentary knowledge of
biology was such that we knew that two dogs
were needed; and that one had to piggy-back
the other for the magic to work. Five minutes
later Mark has a mangy mongrel and I have Mrs
Simms' Alsation which I'd volunteered to walk.
We tried to get the Alsation to mount the mutt
but it was not having it. So... I held the
Alsation whilst Mark lifted the other one into
position and vigourously rubbed it back and
forth. Result? No puppy - but a half dead mongrel
and me nearly losing a pint of blood."
(DrTugnutcracker)

* JIGSAW - "I have just completed a jigsaw puzzle.
It was rather difficult and took me nearly
eighteen months to finish. Which is great, as
it said 3-4 years on the box." (marcooosa)

>> This Week's Question <<

Asking people out. tell us your biggest successes
and most embarrassing failures. Not that we're
after new chat-up lines, or anything:
http://b3ta.com/questions/chattingup/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Clients Ruin My Art <<
Anyone in the "creative industries" will cringe
at the unavoidable truth of this strip cartoon
showing the toxic relationship between a web
designer and his client. It all ends in comic
sans tears.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/design_hell

>> Christmas Nonce-sense <<
If you think Santa has a whiff of the child
enthusiast about him, you would be delighted to
find one of these in his sack. "Ha! I told you
so!" you'd chorus. Send a lynch mob to burn his
toyshop down.
http://snurl.com/paedobells

>> Passive Aggressive wifi <<
Speaking for the household who only recently
abandoned the wifi tag 'cunt' for the more
child-friendly 'bums', we loved this list of
wifi names, all of which put two fingers up to
the neighbours with the joy of anonymity. Much
like wanking in their milk bottles or doing a
poo in their recycle box.
http://www.holytaco.com/25-hilarious-wifi-network-names

>> 3D without the glasses <<
Why faff about with silly glasses when you can
take your HP Laserjet into the 3rd dimension
with these cut-out and keep 3D letters?
http://www.dafont.com/punched-out.font

>> 9/11 is a joke <<
We blame the New World Order for this. Or maybe
Peter Hook from New Order for this excruciating
newspaper correction.
http://is.gd/5eS6t

>> Google's doing it for the Kids <<
We'd probably be on some kind of register if we
asked the local primary schools to rework the
Sickipedia logo, though judging by the rather
lovely things the kids have done for google, we
might be on to a bit of a winner. We've heard
the Special Needs kids are doing one for Ask
Jeeves.
http://www.google.com/intl/en_uk/doodle4google/vote.html

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Kitties in neckwear

A collection of cats in ties, ruffs and bow
ties. But no scarves, cravats or snoods -
coming soon, we hope.
http://snurl.com/catties

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Etch-A-sketch for autistic Terry Pratchett fans

>> Shane sings 5 octaves on the piano <<
We love Shane and his one note octave,
especially as we think he is the living proof
that inbreeding is wrong. A Hillbilly Susan
Boyle; as played by Jack Black.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shane_sings_5_octaves_on_the_piano

>> Beatles 3000 <<
A fantastic parody of all those nonsense
documentaries on the History Channel, where a
16 year-old on work experience has shoved a few
names into Google and come out with piffle.
We want to go to "Nectaris University" though,
as it sounds kind of spacey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Z2vU8M6CYI

>> Tetris God <<
The sort of sketch the Goodies might have made
if they'd been 20 years younger and had got an
Amstrad GX4000 for Christmas.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1924722

>> Queen, Overdubbed <<
Imagine Freddie turned into Brian Blessed (with
a cheeky hint of Papa Lazarou) and you're
halfway towards grasping this rambunctious
re-voicing of Queen's magnum opus Bohemian
Rhapsody. Popeye!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQRvqkmKmKo

>> Blair Witch Flatmare <<
We're not a 100 per cent sure that this is for
real - it's much too neat and the shots are too
well-composed, but the idea is pretty creepy;
mad tramp lady living in your loft, creeping
out at night, stealing your food and pissing in
your sink.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06X9qXTvKNQ

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Pissed Himself Laughing

Whilst not exactly a cock and balls logo, it
does look a man having a large slash.
http://www.foamconcrete.co.uk/index.html

-------------------------------------------------

: PORN FOR THE BLIND x2

Last week's publication of "what porn I wank to
even tho I'm blind" attracted a lot of comment,
including:

* "Please tell the blind guy who's sick of
listening to frat boys describing poo in a cup
that there are lots of ladies reading out
erotic stories at Literotica's Text With Audio
category - I've got nothing to do with
Literotica, but I felt out of a sense of
fraternity that I should help a brother out!"
(James)
http://snurl.com/blindporn2

* "You featured Blind Porn in last week's
mailout. How about some Deaf Porn? The UK Film
Council gave me some money to make a fantastic
comedy mockumentary about a chap called Hands
Solo, the world's most famous Deaf Porn star.
He's very very good with his hands, you know."
(wmager)
http://www.hands-solo.com/trailer.html

-------------------------------------------------

: KY JELLY ALTERNATIVES

Last week we asked what other substances you'd
used for lube - our mail box gushed over:

* OIL - "I've heard that soldiers, whilst
deployed, use gun oil as lube. I have not tried
this personally... nope... not at all..."
(paul.mechanicus)

* WD40 = BAD - "DON'T TRY IT! They use WD40 in
my local to stop people snorting coke off the
cistern. I'm reliably informed that it burns
like hell. Given that penile and vaginal skin
is mucous membrane, as is the inside of your
nose, I'm pretty certain you'd end up in
casualty." (mrsclarebutler)

* HAIRGEL - "In response to Jeff Balls's question
about what makes a good KY alternative, when I
was a bit younger and cranking out 12 a day
with some regularity, I found really, really,
cheap hair gel to work a treat. I mean the
Tesco Blue Stripe 39p gloop. It's fucking awful
for doing anything with your hair, but if you
want a cheap wanking lube, the stuff is worth
its weight in gold." (Mr. Jack)

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Jesus UK Challenge

Last week we wanted to know what Jesus would
get up to if he toured Britain today.

Your favourites included:

* WALL - in which the son of God is fiendishly
mocked by the developers of a gameshow (Monty
Propps)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9820260

* PORN - whatever they said about Christ, you
could never deny he was well-hung (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9821124

* MAIL - with his non-British roots, Jesus
would have been less popular with some
newspapers than others (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9819845

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jesusUK/

>> New challenge: True Christmas Cards <<
Xmas is almost upon us once again, and it's
time for b3ta's annual Christmas Card
challenge. This year, we'd like you to design
cards that tell the truth about Christmas and
about the people you'll be sending them to:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/christmastruth/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* TOP 100 BESTEST SITE YAYS - Nice to see the
Guardian giving B3ta a shout out for our
trolls.
http://tinyurl.com/ybpbyb6

* CYRIAK WINS E4 LUMP OF GLASS - nice to see
our man Mutated Monty getting some props for
his work.
http://www.e4.com/estings/2009finalists.html

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
Obey the game!

"There's not enough Friday Games!", writes
Jasper Kingjay, "Now I get bored on Fridays. So
here's one. Obey the Game. You can actually get
quite far by doing nothing, how cool is that?"
http://www.kongregate.com/games/ArmorGames/obey-the-game

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* MOCKERY CROCKERY - Official B3ta Wife bought
the Fuhrer a horrid mug for his birthday,
bearing the legend (in comic sans of course)
"The internet's Rob Manuel". Show us your
plates of hate.

* BIKE LIGHT DISCO - we used to have them as
students - does anyone still bother? Or is
there some modern alternative with waving your
phones about?

* WAYS OF CURING THE SHITS WITHOUT IMODIUM -
we've had trouble in this area all week and,
Christ, the pills are a devil's blessing. What
works for you?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Professor Kenny
Martin, Frizzletoe and Wine, iowaseven, Duncan
Biscuits, ereuben, mr_chopper, mafbailey,
pascalsirletti, Diamondflamer. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
andicap. Sickigag via eviltorry.

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
My internet connection was so slow yesterday I
ended up just shagging the wife.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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