This Week:
* ADVICE - How to cure the shits with Bisto
* SHIT LOLS - Best Xmas funny name ever. Promise.
* SCHADENFREUDE - What a difficult word to spell
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're building
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | global warming
__/____/____
B3ta email 409 - 18 Dec 2009
I'm 409 issues old, how am I supposed to look?
http://b3ta.
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
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http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Enhancement, Weather and Climbing
>> "Let's enhance" <<
"The quality isn't too good," complains dunk3d.
"If only there was a way of fixing that..."
Amusing montage of TV & film police
ridiculously 'enhancing' grainy crime scene
photos. The secret is to say "enhance" as often
as you can.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Star Wars weather <<
"I heard someone say 'It's like Hoth out here'
as the snow fell in London," explains Tom
Scott, "A few hours of messing about later,
here's the Star Wars Weather Forecast." Useful
to explain the weather to geeks who never leave
the house.
http://www.tomscott
>> Climbing In The Name Of <<
"Here it is," snarls Joel as he muscles into
the much-publicised battle for Christmas number
one with an utterly seamless mashup. Like ebony
and ivory, how can we disagree when the tunes
go together so beautifully. Thanks Joel.
http://www.rathergo
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Asking people out
Last week we asked for your attempts at asking
people out. We liked jessemoya's science
experiment to discover if his lip ring got him
more action, but sadly it's undermined by his
natural angelic beauty. Jesse - you need to use
a munter as a control:
http://b3ta.
* RESENT - "At 13 the only thing to do in the
Suffolk town was going rollerskating. With our
own skates we were kings amongst men. I'd had
my eye on this girl and judging by the huddled
giggles her friends shared every time I skated
past, she/they had noticed. "Would you like to
go out with me?" she said. I GULPED and tried
not to let my weak knees give way to the wheels
attached to my feet. "Yes," I replied, probably
a little (lot) too eagerly. "That's a shame,"
she said through the beginnings of a laugh. "I
wouldn't like to go out with you!". Upon which
point her and her friends fell about laughing.
As did the crowd of mates who were standing
with me. About 5 years later when we had all
grown tall and old enough, nights out had moved
to the nightclub next door. Skating was for
kids. Pretending we were on drugs and raving
like mentals was where it was at. As I was
cutting shapes with my friends I noticed a girl
watching me with a group of friends at the side
of the dancefloor. "Shit," I thought, "That's
her and she's all grown up". Ambling up to her
I smiled and asked, "Would you like to dance
with me?" She looked at her friends, who gave
her not too subtle encouragement. "Yes," she
replied (a bit, no a LOT too eagerly - or so I
like to remember). "That's a shame," I replied,
"I wouldn't like to dance with you". I'll never
forget the look of embarrassment, realisation,
and anger crossing her face. I think I enjoyed
my revenge more than any grope of her big tits
on the comfy sofas at the back. (May not be
true)" (Galahad)
* DESCENT - "Rakky's guide to asking someone
out: 1. Select object of your desires. It is
important that he, whilst seeming normal and
well balanced, have some fundamental flaw
rendering him totally inaccessible, for
example, having a really possessive girlfriend,
or having been thoroughly screwed over in his
last relationship. EDIT. Or gay. 2. Make
friends with aforementioned object. 3. Develop
painful, overwhelming passionate crush. 4. Bore
friends with crush for 6-8 months. 5. Get drunk
and finally admit to object of desires that
you're desperately, hopelessly besotted with
them and ask will they go out with you. 6.
Publicly, react stoically and calmly when they
say no. In private, cry till you dehydrate. 7.
Wait five years. 8. Repeat steps 1 through 7.
9. After 3-4 iterations, admit defeat, adopt 14
cats and consign yourself to being the mad
woman with egg on her cardigan who lives at the
end of the street and shouts at children. Any
b3tards who wish to accompany me to the cat
shelter would be welcome." (Rakky)
* CONSENT - "Drunkenly stumbling back home
after a night out with my mates, I found myself
alone with one guy I didn't know very well.
However, he seemed intent on knowing me very,
very well. On the way, he uttered two lines
that I will never forget as long as I live:
"You're so pretty and delicate... you remind me
of my cousin." "Your... what?" "My cousin...
You look just like her." If these eerie
incestuous comments weren't enough, he followed
with the icing on the cake: "Would you give
me... consent?" Gentlemen, please, please do
not ask to sleep with a girl in the context of
not raping her. She won't like it at all."
(PanelDePon)
>> This Week's Question <<
To us, the world is just one long episode of
You've Been Framed. When have you laughed at
the misfortune of others? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Reclaim the Horns! <<
Concerned about rampant misuse of the Deadly
Horns of Rock, Twisted Sister's Dee Snider want
to claim them back for the misfits and losers
of full-on metaldom. Support him!
http://www.takeback
>> Pee-pee and poo-poo disaster <<
True-life lols, as a shy bodybuilder recounts a
recent date. He avoids going to the toilet
until he's round her place, then needs to take
a dump and piss at the same time, but gets an
erection. Social anxiety horror ensues. MS
Paint pictures make it incredible.
http://snurl.
>> Miss Gibraltar 2009 <<
What to say about the Miss Gibraltar contestant
at the bottom of the page without coming across
as unduly harsh? Let's just say she's very,
very brave to enter a beauty contest. And by
"brave" we kind of mean "ugly".
http://www.chronicl
>> "I'm your biggest fan" <<
Disturbing fun for people with a Facebook
account. Don't worry, it's just a gag, he
doesn't really become your friend. Funny though.
http://www.limmy.
>> Watch a midget screw a huge fat black lady! <<
Some sort of karmasutra position-testing site,
this lets you pick two completely inappropriate
partners and force them to mate. No nudity, but
NSFW if your boss is sensitive and not blind
drunk by this point in the afternoon.
http://www.mykarmas
>> Periodic Table gallery <<
Awesome photographic archive of all the
elements it's possible to photograph, plus
pictures of objects containing the elements
that can't be.
http://periodictabl
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby hedgehogs
Gotta love the baby hedgepigs - if your heart
doesn't melt then you're clinically a
psychopath. True dat.
http://pixdaus.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
No repeats on the inernet
>> Back to the Future weird pervyness <<
Virtually frame-by-frame re-examination of the
end of Back to the Future 3. Is Doc Brown's son
Verne played by a little boy, or a perverted
dwarf? Well, we know what our money's on but...
http://www.youtube.
>> I Need a Hand Job <<
Alarmingly knowing commercial for a domestic
labour-saving device. To the point that we
wondered if it was real. It's real enough that
they'll accept money to post you one.
http://www.ineedaha
>> Drunk Pogues-singing <<
Here's the true definition of Christmas spirit,
as a brave young Scot gives a method rendition
of Fairytale of New York. The falling over
properly begins at 0:43.
http://www.youtube.
>> Gorgeous, carnivorous sea stars <<
Amazing footage from under the Antarctic ice of
the Ross Sea. Timelapse photography makes sea
stars, worms and sea-urchins bustle around in
the search for a meal.
http://www.youtube.
>> Truth in Advertising <<
Old but gold sketch, advertising execs voice
their venal, innermost thoughts as they put
together a multi-million dollar campaign.
http://www.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two penises, one silly name, a drum machine etc
* FOR XMAS - "I've been waiting for Christmas
to send you this. This chap works in our
Amsterdam office. I bet he *hates* this time of
year." (Scary Dave)
http://nl.linkedin.
* DIGITAL MARKETING COCKS - "Please enter this
into the phallic logo awards." (paltoft)
http://www.branded3
* COCK PILLOWS - "No wonder she got pregnant if
she's that obsessed with massive cocks." (Matt)
http://snurl.
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: "IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK" - win a book compo
Authors Ben & Jack have put together lots of
photos of stuff that looks like penises, and
last week we announced we had 6 to give away to
the best answers to our tie-breaker, "I love
cock because..." The winners include:
* "...I'm a cunt" (Barbarossa)
* "...it's only gay if you put both balls in
your mouth at once!" (mediocre)
* "...when in the bath with a broom-on you can
pretend you're a pirate ship." (St.Minimus)
* "...I've only got one leg." (Rudolph The
REddache Reindeer)
* "...I had mine cut off and made into a mimsy.
I have photos!" (Jayneflakes)
* "...it helps me forget about the cancer."
(Sister Nutmeat)
And if you fancy buying the book, then you'll
be wanting the Amazon linky won't you?
http://www.amazon.
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: IMODIUM ALTERNATIVES
Because those pills are simply evil
Last week we had the shits and we asked you for
suggestions to bung us up.
* CARBON OVERLOAD - "An old colleague of mine
- he was ex-army - used to recommend about 4
rounds of well-blackened toast. Apparently,
soldiers used to do this on patrol before they
had the luxury of imodium." (tombazza)
* NO FIBRE - "Eat a high-protein, low-fibre
diet. I've done just that this week, eating
lots of meat and cheese and no broccoli at all.
I went for three days between shits, and by the
time it came out it felt like it was tearing me
a new one." (Flake)
* BISTO - "Re your request for alternative ways
of curing the shits. My dear old mum always
swore Bisto powder was ideal for diarrhoea.
She'd say it didn't actually cure it as such,
but certainly thickened it up nicely!" (Stu)
* STATINS - "Since my doctor said I had to take
statins to lower my cholesterol in case I die
later on in life, I've been bunged up like lard
in the sewer outside a chip shop."
(bogeypie)
There you go. Who needs doctors?
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Christmas Challenge
Last week we wanted you to design Christmas
cards that told the truth.
Your favourites included:
* EVIL - nicely sinister adaptation of the
classic Serj Iulian original (drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.
* CHIMNEY - some aspects of Christmas should
come with a warning. This is one (Puromycin)
http://www.b3ta.
* CRASH - those Christmas lights might not be a
tree, as Santa discovers to his cost (The
Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Frankenstein Food <<
We think that Cadbury and Marmite should get
together to invent the Cadbury Marmite Egg.
Mmmm-mmm. So this week's task is to invent
other unlikely combinations of foodstuffs that
really should be manufactured. Challenge
inspired by Griffy and suggested by Pytchblend
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WD40 DRUGS UPDATE - archiehollway writes,
"WD40 is used to stop people snorting coke off
the loos, as mentioned in the last newsletter.
But not because it burns the nostrils; bars do
it because if you put powder on a surface
covered with WD40 it'll just disperse. So now
you know."
* WHAT CASSETTEBOY DID NEXT - Mike Cassette
writes, "Here, some Cassetteboy stuff will
feature in a TV show called '2009 Unwrapped
with Miranda Hart'. It's on BBC2 on Wednesday
30 December, at 10.00pm, I think." Also his
latest vid is a departure in style - he's taken
his friend Shaun Pubis out round London. Shaun
improvised some raps and Cassetteboy cut it
up into a video thing. Interesting idea.
http://www.youtube.
* BIKE LIGHT DISCOS - we asked what kids today
do instead of waving bike lights about.
Coobeastie writes, "If you still have an old
Nokia 3220 from about 2004, you can get some
clever plug-in doohickey that lets you wave rude
messages in the air. Finally I've found
something the fucking iPhone can't do."
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: FRIDAY GAME
The Alien at the Bottom of the Garden
Your Ginger Fuhrer writes - "We were asked to
make a game for kids, to encourage them to eat
better and take exercise. As all my instincts
are to take the piss, it was a surprising
commission, so I got in Matt Round and we
worked ever so hard to make something that
doesn't have a mocking bone in its body."
http://tinyurl.
BTW: If you want a game more suitable for
adults why not try Blosics - a 'destroy
buildings with physics' type thingie -
strangely satisfying.
http://www.lingolux
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we're not going to write any jokes
but actually write about being the old gits
that we are:
* TIME TO READ - we've got this really great
book we want to read (Sebastian Faulk's
Birdsong) but we haven't managed more than a
chapter or two this week. Surely the government
should do something about this? Maybe turn off
children and the internet from 7 to 9 every
night?
* MORE HOURS TO SLEEP - last night we went to
bed at 7:30pm and we're still tired. What about a
40hr day and at least 25 of these dedicated to
bed?
* CUPS OF TEA THAT NEVER GO COLD - we're always
microwaving ours. How do you cope with cold tea?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chimpo2k,
mjd96, will, Ed Blackadder, Mr Gear, Doogie Talons,
Jen, Monty Propps, Dr. Dee, Christian Heilmann,
shanereynolds, jamescarlyle1. Game via Swany.
Cute via tom_pleasant. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Exu.
Sickipedia via mr stu pidtwat.
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BBC News Headlines read, "Cheques to be phased
out by 2018." Fucking hell, not again. Hitler
tried that in 1939.
http://www.sickiped
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