This Week: * SUPER MARIO - meets parkour * BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH - name generator * DAMASCUS - Do you actually know where it is? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We can only save the web ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | if the web is prepared __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| to save itself" B3ta email 596 - 30 Aug 2013 Read this issue wearing a stupid hat: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue596 Yes : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com No : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Most expensive magnet ever $131,299,998.69 to you. Best review? "I have been looking at this magnet for a while, but could no longer pass it up after the 17% discount.: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001UKRDVS/b3ta-20 >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lifeboats, Fracking, Football, Diana and Cloud Arse >> Punk rock lifeboatman << The lead singer of Crass is now a volunteer Lifeboatman. Fred zeppelin writes, "I started making this a year ago as a fund-raiser for the lifeboat, but the BBC got wind of it and wanted a short version, so it's a BBC link to a video about Steve Ignorant, Punk Rock Lifeboatman." http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23851982 >> Sir Ian Bowler's Fracking Holiday << "Here's a new bit of fat-headed nonsense from Ian Bowler, and possibly my favourite one ever..." writes Natt. Sir Ian Bowler is back from recess and he is a man IN LOVE. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1057389 >> Havewesignedanyonetoday.co.uk << Choose your team and this single-purpose website will tell you if they've signed anybody today. "I've worked up from my original idea and now the twittersphere is loving it!" boasts bigrbuk. http://www.havewesignedanyonetoday.co.uk/ >> Daily Express front page bingo << "Weather, Diana, miracle dogs, Diana - it's all in Daily Express Bingo," claims Clifford. Genuinely surprised by how much stuff is *still* about poor, old Diana. http://expressbingo.org.uk/ >> Cloud to Arse Plus << "Some puerile genius wrote a chrome extension that replaces any occurrences of 'the cloud' with 'my butt' on web pages you visit," explains veg. "Despite the many lulz it generated, my fellow Brits and I felt it was too culturally biased..." http://bit.ly/17rC0rP Try it out on a cloud-heavy site such as: http://bit.ly/1fojmnk ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M The other website that has some of the same people on it * Where's Damascus? (Don't Ask Us) - The US and UK are probably about to bomb it. Do you know where it is? http://toys.usvsth3m.com/damascus/ * You Can't Do Geography Under Pressure - flags, countries, capitals you know the score. http://toys.usvsth3m.com/geography/ * Pollocks or Bollocks - Are these squiggles the work of Abstract Expressionist genius Jackson Pollock, or the worthless daubings of other, random people? http://toys.usvsth3m.com/pollocksorbollocks/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Lead balloon Last week we asked if you had ever you tried to be funny and failed horribly. You replied with your pain, and loads of it. * STROKE - "Last year my mother had a couple of strokes, and I was sitting with her a few days after she got out of hospital when two stroke nurses came round to check on her progress. 'Well here's your care pack,' said one, pointing to a load of booklets from the NHS; while the second asked me, 'And have you taken the time to read the leaflet on caring for someone with a stroke?' "Me: 'Yeah, it's an interesting read... But all the text slopes off on the right hand side'. SILENCE (Apart from my mother who was uncontrollably laughing.) I've seen them twice since and still get evil stares.' (tim1701) * BAD AIDS - "Back in my student days, I went to a very leftie polytechnic – Nelson Mandela Bar, the whole nine yards. At that time I had a wide circle of friends, and we sat in the Student Union drinking McEwan's, discussing ideas we could submit to Viz Comic. "So I dropped this into the mix: 'Hey, what about a strip about someone suffering from AIDS? It could be called "Adrian Ayds – He's Got Aids", and the strapline could be "It's Fun To Be HIV."' "A silence as total as death slammed down. The grin froze on my face. Hepzibah, a blue-haired gothette Humanities student, burst into tears and buried her face in her hands. Her friend Sarah shouted, 'Her brother's got AIDS, you insensitive bastard!' Max simply rose gracefully from his seat, walked over to me, and spat in my face. He then walked out and never spoke to me again. "I was ostracised for three months. I had death threats slid under the door of my room in College Hall, and my room was regularly broken into and trashed, my kettle pissed in, turds left steaming on my pillow, and I was only let back in after I had published a full and frank apology in the student mag and read the apology out on stage in the Union in front of all my fellow students. Miserable, humourless cunts the lot of them." (Dr Skagra) * BEADLE - Alone at a BBQ a mutual friend introduced me to very beautiful girl. We got on brilliantly, everything looked positive. Personally, I believe I was very sexy and hilarious: a font of high class jokes and cerebral humour. "That is until the drink and nerves kicked in... I picked up one of those large 660ml bottles of beer in one hand, and a small bottle of beer in the other. Instantly I reverted to type and announced loudly to the girl and the wider group 'Look I'm Jeremy Beadle!' "Bemused faces. I desperately felt the need to elucidate. 'Jeremy Beadle. He's got a small hand' (Waves big bottle of beer) 'Well he's dead now, but he had a very small hand' (Jiggles large bottle beside small bottle) 'You mean you haven't heard that joke? You know... Jeremy Beadle's got a big penis. But on the other hand it's quite small' (Half-heartedly jiggles large bottle of beer in a masturbatory motion). "EVERYONE turned their back on me and started new conversations. Jeremy Beadle's hand is cursed." (Parmenu) >> This week – NOT-STALGIA << Tell us why the past was a bit shit. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/Thepastwasrubbish/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Benedict Cumberbatch name generator << The genius of Mr and Mrs Cumberbatch was in giving their child a name that could be signified by any six syllables. We love that Rinkydink Snugglesnatch, watch everything he's in. http://benedictcumberbatchgenerator.tumblr.com/ >> Selfies at serious places << Inexplicable choices of occasion/location to take a selfie. See also the dozens of guys on Grindr who like to use Berlin's Holocaust Memorial as a cool selfie backdrop. http://selfiesatseriousplaces.tumblr.com/ >> "Unnecessary" quotes << A "classic" blog that points out how misuse of quotation marks can really "change" the slant of your message. Work "safe". http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/ >> Summer to Winter in a single step << Wonderful location on Google Street View, where taking a single step turns the season half a year ahead. http://bit.ly/Zhdci1 >> Miley Cyrus' Infinite Tongue << Serious, academic attempt to map the entire extent of Ms Cyrus' extraordinarily long tongue. How far can you scroll before getting bored? http://www.mileycyrustongue.com/ >> Your Kickstarter Sucks << Snarky blogs demolishes the worst, the absolute worst Kickstarter ideas. Some of which have raised a ton of money, so let's hope we never reach that level of success. Woo! http://yourkickstartersucks.tumblr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Watch at 16 x 16 resolution for retro-thrills >> Super Mario parkour << This is both physically impressive and nostalgia-inducing. And if anyone had died during the shoot, they'd have had to start all over again from the beginning. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67qqEcGDC0s >> All hail the King of Kebabs << This guy is a shawarma master (the Arabic equivalent of doner kebabs) and he has got some smooth moves. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tDLiiQWfDg >> Breaking Bad actor cracks, reveals spoilers << Dean Norris, who plays Hank in Breaking Bad, spills the beans about how the series is scheduled to end. According to a script that *he* wrote, at least. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/636264ec55/ >> Animals on trampolines << Do animals love trampolines? Yes. Do humans love watching animals love trampolines? Please participate in our research, in the form of watching this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=v=gSjHCbS_u0Y ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Fridge Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate the humble refrigerator. Your favourites included: * SOLO: captured Rebel Alliance freighter pilot encased in carbonite cooler (Q4nobody) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10999551 * RESULTS: jumping girl exam delight cliche enhanced by triumphant Hotpoint (Arclayton) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10999159 * WRESTLE: moustachioed sex-tape grappler runs amok at Currys sale (Fresh Water Mole) http://www.b3ta.com/board/10999115 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fridge/ >> New challenge: Creepy Stuff << Boo! This week's challenge is to come up with creepy stuff — images that scare, startle, disturb, and interrupt one's sleep patterns. Suggested by sandettie light vessel automatic http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creepystuff/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * AN OFF BUTTON FOR ALL THE STUFF THAT WON'T STOP - the internet, yapping and the eternal crushing pain of our heavy soul. * STEADICAM FOR YOUTUBE - Seriously, home-video enthusiasts, you make it very hard to produce looping GIFs of your cat doing tricks. * PENS THAT FLY TO OUR HAND WHEN SUMMONED - like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. Come on, this is 2013. We must have magnets or something that can make that happen. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Wine: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Beer: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tesco's Finest, Sainsbury's Taste the Difference, Asda Extra Special and Kwiksave No Frills. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Ensure a Happy Ending at the massage parlour by paying the masseuse to read you Cinderella.
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