Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] In the UK illegally? Read this or face arrest

This Week:
* VID - Brad and Angelina face-mash
* GAME - Don't shoot your friends!
* THE QUO - advertising mince

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're snarking
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"

B3ta email 592 - 2 Aug 2013

Read this issue after inhaling helium:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue592/

Sub : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Snub : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
Buy some fucking shit on Amazon you nobbers

We've probably linked Dean Gaffney Canvas Clock
before but we'd like to direct your attention
to the wonderful user-uploaded pics.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003BRGUR6/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Eighties, Travel, Brangelina & Chopping Boards

>> Space Harrier + 80s mash up + New album <<
"It's like Space Harrier but all in the 80s,"
explains yeastymeat. "With Cagney & Lacey and
Magnum, with proper end of level bosses." Can
you reach level 10, to beat pimp Tony the
Tiger, yeasty's nephew's dog & Mumm-Ra?
http://www.spoekmathambo.com/game

>> One second in every nation <<
"One second of me in every country in the
world," writes thatgingerscouser. "There's not
that much more to say really, except - *ahem* -
I made this!" This is the kind of travelogue we
like - one that doesn't outstay its welcome.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/One_Second_Every_Nation

>> Literal Brangelina <<
"Another round of mangled freaks," chirps
facemashing expert smearballs. Although
Brangelina is surprisingly attractive, our
favourite is the sweet Gary Busey/Yoda - we
could watch a whole movie of that guy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1040270

>> What Chopping Board? <<
"My review of a chopping board." Sound consumer
advice, as ever, from Pig Face Turnip.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_Chopping_Board

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: BEST OF USVSTH3M
The other project made by B3ta staff

* Don't Shoot Your Friends - an evil Twitter
game, with consequences. If you don't recognise
people - shoot them!
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/dont-shoot-your-friends/

* You're It! - an attempt to bring the
playground game to the Twitter age.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/youre-it/

* And finally: The best UsVsTh3m toys in
one epic post.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/57145265331/you-like-our-toys

Make sure you follow @usvsth3m on twitter for
all the latest web bollocks.
https://twitter.com/usvsth3m

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bad Gigs

We wanted to know about the worst gigs you'd
been to, walked out of, or played:
http://b3ta.com/questions/badgigs/

* ONE-MAN BAND - "A one man band turned up to
our local. He had a snare drum, a mic and a
background tape. He got my brother up to play
the drum, then, halfway through his second
song, he got up, still singing on his wireless
mic, and went outside and sat on the wall to
Matalan's carpark on the other side of the
road. He sang another three songs. Quite what
the people outside thought of this random man
singing was one thing... my brother playing a
drum to an empty mic stand was quite another."
(Dan dan dan)

* BLACK GRAPE - "I saw them during one of Shaun
Ryder's higher moments. He started the gig
facing the wings and singing into a
disconnected microphone. When his carers herded
him to the front he promptly did a slapstick
mic-into-forehead manoeuvre and knocked off his
sunglasses revealing eyes like a pair of
blistered arseholes. Then sang the words to the
wrong song. It was fucking brilliant. What was
the question again?" (Dr. Shambolic)

* PWEI - "We regret to inform you that Pop Will
Eat Itself will not be able to perform, as
their hard disc has crashed. Howls of derisive
laughter all round." (moon monkey)

>> This Week - MTFU <<
When have you had to be brave when all you've
wanted to do was weep like a blubber-titted
bitch? Tell us so we can judge you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mtfu/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Face Tattoo Army <<
The joy of facial tattoos is that they'll make
people judge you before you open your mouth.
Generally either, "omg, face tattoo, this
person is dangerous" or "omg, face tattoo, this
person is a muppet."
http://brianjrogers.tumblr.com/

>> Which urinal do you pick? <<
A good implementation of a classic web
interactive trope: you're a man visiting a
public toilet - which is the correct urinal to
use? Also useful for women to understand men's
neuroses.
http://www.urinalman.com/

>> Bass dogs <<
Famous bassists with the instruments replaced
by adorable puppies. From now on this should be
part of the classic four-piece line-up.
http://bassdogs.tumblr.com.

>> 100-year-old Japanese computer game room <<
The games room at Kyoto University is one of
the oldest in existence, dating from 1913.
Here's a fascinating photo series, showing what
happens to a room where students have been
hanging out for a century.
http://shmups.system11.org/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=44401

>> Circular Tube map <<
Designer takes a stab at improving the
Underground map. Don't know if it's clearer,
but it's certainly pretty.
http://bit.ly/TQm1Sm

>> Cop selfies <<
Police officers posing to take pictures with
their mobile phones. Looking sharp, guys.
http://copselfies.tumblr.com/

>> Hidden messages in hotel rooms <<
David Bussell has made a point of hiding
vaguely creepy graffiti in every hotel room he
uses. Have you spotted any of his work behind a
picture?
http://hotelgraffiti.tumblr.com/

>> Men in pin-up poses <<
Men-ups is a project that aims to ridicule
stereotypical 'sexy' female pin-ups by
photographing blokes in the same submissive
poses.
http://www.rionsabean.com/men-ups

>> Prince Will's knob on head BBC shame <<
BBC breakfast show accidentally shows brief
glimpse of a graffitied newspaper, where Prince
William has a male genitalia drawn on his
forehead. Mayhem ensues.
http://bit.ly/16MG30Z

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The monitor screen is the retina of the mind's eye

>> Status Quo advertising mince <<
Although might mutter "sell-outs", we really
enjoyed this. They seem to genuinely be having
fun in this ad for Australian butchers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pniH2-r6dZU

>> Blacking up for lols on Greek TV <<
Your Face Sounds Familiar just launched on ITV,
but we've been watching the Greek one.
Jaw-dropping.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2mUe_3pHuk

>> Jar with a Twist <<
Peanut butter on your knuckles is a thing of
the past. These jars are designed to push stuff
up from the bottom instead of leaving you
pawing away like Winnie the Pooh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf1eEN7JHRQ

>> Gandalf nodding his head to jazz for 10 hours <<
It gets really good at about 7 hours in.
http://bit.ly/1bzyzW3

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Donkey Challenge

Last week we wanted you to 'shop the
donkey's ass.

Your favourites included:

* SQUEEE - lickle tickle for miniature pack
animal (Flash_Bastard)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10987532

* POO - depressed ass meets demented end. The
horror. The horror. (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10987273

* DOOR - crudely-drawn couple surprised by
joke-spoiling late arrival (PedroHin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10987290

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/donkeys/

>> New challenge: Hitchcock! <<
"I've got an idea for a one-word
challenge", purred legendary b3tan
Monkeon. "Hitchcock! Why not parody his
films and photoshop his face?" And thus,
it came to pass
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hitchcock/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* THE BIG B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL FUCKING THING.
"The season is almost upon us," warns mike woz
ere. "That means that it's time to make a
fantasy football team, convince yourself it's
excellent and then stop playing this game in 2
weeks' time.

"Make a team, click 'Leagues', 'Join a League',
select 'Private league' and type in this
fucking pin: 286421-179890

"You can read the rules here:"
http://fantasy.premierleague.com/rules/

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include:

* FLYING ANT FORECASTER - We need some sort of
advance warning so we can leave the house in a
bee-keeper's outfit.

* KEYBOARD CLEANER - Something to really shift
these crumbs from under the Spacebar. We can't
keep buying new peripherals every time they get
biscuity.

* THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DRY RECYCLABLES &
RESIDUALS, so we don't keep finding ourselves
paralysed in front of a waste bin in Canary
Wharf.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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Inthrough: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Outdoor: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
invisiblecity and folks.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via prince-igor.

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TOP TIP:
A treadmill, mounted upside down above your
front door, with a foot mat stapled to it, makes
a handy automatic hair-comber for leaving the
house in a hurry. Don't forget to put it in
reverse when you come back in though.
(robneymcplum)