Freitag, 27. Juni 2008

[b3ta] "Beaten into 6th place by Labour"

This Week:
* PAIN - Scotch eggs are the cure
* VID - Dancing Matt 2
* ANIM - Shatner's Common People

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"

B3ta email 334 - 27 Jun 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue334/

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsub: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Like stupid shit?

You'll probably hate this then. The future of
creativity is here:
http://www.zooqoo.com

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Eggs, sport and offices. Woo hoo!

>> Scotch egg pain relief <<
Hangover? Depression? Period pain? Happytoast
advocates the analgesic power of pork and egg.
Nicely done, although the computer-generated
woman's voice makes it a soupcon bad-trippy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nurofegg

>> Olympic logo is awesome! <<
The logo design for the 2012 London Olympics
has caught its fair share of flak. Cap'n looks
to set the record straight - everybody really
loves it. And it has uncanny abilities to
heal... or harm.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/196920

>> Office light sabre fight <<
Blokeys mucking about in the office after hours
discover real light sabres, kind of thing. We
liked the naturalistic performances.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/199705

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Old People Speak Truths

We wanted the sage advice you'd been handed down
by previous generations. We've collected our
favourite bits of advice below, shorn of all
context for comic effect, so do read the full
stories here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/

Some of this stuff is remarkably specific:


* "Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was
growing up we weren't allowed to."

* "Never look at your mum when she's eating
a banana."

* "If anyone in Brazil tries to mug you, kick
them in the balls till they drop to the
ground, then stamp on their throat."

* "You learn something every day... and then
forget it every night"

* "Never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin."

* "Our family are too handsome to fight. Leave
that to the Uglies."

* "Forget looks an' tits an' shite. All ya needs
from life is a woman with a heart of gold and
a fanny like a jar of worms."

Also 'mon bison' warns, "don't listen to every bit
of advice old people give you. I once believed
what an old guy told me but it turns out he was
lying: They WERE the droids we were looking for."

>> This Week's Question <<

We'd like your biggest disappointments. Talk to
us here if you can bear it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/disappointment/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Children's drawings recreated as photos <<
Picture the scene: a four-year-old boy sitting
in class sketching. His friend says, "What's that
you are drawing? What are the small black
triangles falling from the sky?" "It's raining
vaginas." Just a suggestion for where this art
project might like to go next.
http://snurl.com/yesverynicedear [www_yeondoojung_com]

>> Could you live in a cupboard? <<
Jay Shafer makes tiny houses - the size of a
small bedroom - and sells them in Ikea-style
kits for you to live in. Cost? About £20k to
you mate.
http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/

>> Best Photo of Toast Award 2008 <<
Some dull story about building a super-toaster,
but we love it for the long scrolly photo.
http://snurl.com/toastpiclol [gizmodo_com]

>> Sing my ringtone <<
Chavvy shit: a ringtone site that sings your
name in an annoying, "Rob! Rob! Answer the
phone" stylee. Um so why are we linking it?
Made us laugh more than anything else this
week. Really. Maybe we're broken.
http://www.singmyring.com/

>> Ladybird police <<
Old gits will remember the Ladybird books -
designed for swots who actually wanted to know
how things worked rather than just play Frogger
and sniff glue. Here's the police one -
rewritten for amusing lol internets fun time.
http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Because web people under 30 can't read

>> Star Trek Common People <<
The cartoon series Kirk and Spock paired up
with big Bill Shatner's cover of the Pulp
classic. Simple win.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/198509

>> Return of Dancing Matt <<
The erstwhile internet star returns to his
globe-trotting, light fantastic-tripping ways.
This vid has some impressive locations but what
makes it so nice is all the other people
joining in. It's like he's some sort of lovely
ambassador, uniting the world through dancing
like a twat. (We think it's advertising chewing
gum btw)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Where_The_Hell_Is_Matt:2

>> Escalator spin <<
You can lie on the moving handrails of adjacent
escalators and they'll rotate you round. Looks
like a great way to liven up your next visit to
a department store. Remember, it's all fun and
games until someone gets caught in the gubbins.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Escalator_Spin

>> Awesome rap sequence <<
Vintage teen movie rates a guy's coolness by
his ability to rap and breakdance, boy-band
style. Standout line: "Look how funky he is!"
We'd make some joke about the ridiculousness of
some current teen fashion, but we're afraid it
will have already become kitsch and quaint in
the time it takes the email to reach you.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Top_that

>> Lion reunion <<
Two blokes who raised a lion cub go visit him,
now he has grown to adulthood in the wild.
Brilliant soft rock soundtrack helped tug at
our withered, dried-up heart strings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVNTdWbVBgc

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two cocks one tit

* PM'S WIFE IN TWIN COCK SHOCKER - Sarah Brown
always seemed a such a sensible lady, a
refreshing change from letterbox gob Cherie
Blair. But this jaunty jacket suggests at a
darker side to the PM's wife - could she be
wearing the trophies of a parliamentary spit
roast?
http://snurl.com/brownwife [www_imagehosting_gr]

* BOO BEE JUICE - This should contain milk but
it looks like an even more toxic version of
Sunny D. The name doubtless refers to the
massive moobs your kiddies will be sprouting if
they quaff too much of this sugary slop.
http://www.unibev.co.uk/1210/8456.html

* PHALLIC LOGO #15741 - We're not sure why this
painfully spiky-looking penis has been chosen
to represent a new property development. Maybe
the designers just cocked up?
http://www.a1-hi-country-condos.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Olympic Mascot Challenge

Last week we wanted you to design a mascot
for London 2012.

Your favourites included:

* SOCK - about 1,000,000% better than whatever
the official mascot will be. (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8476332

* SHAPE - whereas the official choice will
probably look exactly like this (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8479199

* QUO - b3ta favourites Rick and Francis return
once again, this time in British red and blue
(giraffen)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8476681

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascot/

>> New challenge: Literal Road Signs <<
Imagine if road signs, instead of directing you
or warning of expected hazards, told you
precisely what was taking place at that
particular moment. Then 'shop the results of
your imagination. Challenge inspired by
Virulent.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literalroadsigns/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* RACIALISTS! - many of you wrote in to say our
Who's Younger quiz confused Michael Jordan with
Magic Johnson. Some of you even suggested
this was racism rather than lack of interest in
American sporting heroes. Although they both
have bum-AIDS don't they?

* B3TA VS NME - our old 'extending album art
challenge' from last Christmas has been turning
up absolutely everywhere. Including the NME who
managed to plop each image onto a separate
page and flog nine adverts per entry and that's
not counting the advertorial. Kids - the NME is
still cool yeah?
http://nme.com/photos/468/1/-extended-album-sleeves

* INTRODUCING MONDAY REMEMBERED - nice to see
that people haven't forgotten one of B3ta's
earliest stunts.
http://www.daniweb.com/blogs/entry2691.html

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* SEX-TAPE-O-TRON - since even Verne Troyer is
getting in on the act (give us some mind-bleach
please) what about making a little toy where
you can upload your friend's/celeb's face onto a
video thing and send it around? Maybe with a
checkbox for a wanking monkey.

* CORPORATE STATIONERY - when we go to a
meeting with a big company we like to blag a
bit of stationery as a trophy. OK, we've only
done it twice, but with your help we can create
something impressive.
http://snipurl.com/amazingpens [www_flickr_com]

* JOHN LESLIE RAPE QUIZ - as the headline in
the Evening Standard recently went. We gasped,
"Surely that's a b3ta quiz?"

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Dai_Marzipan,
hexachordal, philevans, newaer, jfulton, Ana
Piresmarques, Manic, GoldenNinjaWarrior and
cris69. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols from DogHorse. Secret bonus link:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_confuse_an_idiot

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Make your own budget boil in the bag cod in
parsley sauce by simply scraping the
bread-crumbs off a fish finger and slipping it
inside a used condom. (Chewy)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
Sex is like squaring numbers. If they're under
16, just do them in your head.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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Freitag, 20. Juni 2008

[b3ta] "Guest-Written by Dr Raj Persaud"

This Week:
* QUIZ - Who's younger?
* JINGLE - It's Rainham Sheds!
* OLD PEOPLE - And their bloody useless advice

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Half number of the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | beast - ooh scary"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|

B3ta email 333 - 20 Jun 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue333/

Cloven hoof: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Regular hoof: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Playstation character compo

Getting a job as a game designer proving
tricky? Don't Panic want you to create a
character for the upcoming Playstation 3 game
LittleBigPlanet. The winning entry gets massive
exposure and a glowing sense of pride (plus a
copy of the game and a PS3). Entries to
http://www.dontpaniconline.com

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Quizzes, Graphs and generally very sexy things

>> Who's Younger? <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer has recently been looking at
the lines on his face and the grey in his once
luxuriant-red mane and wondering where his
youth has gone. And in a vain attempt to make
himself feel better he's turned his pain into a
quiz. "Complete horse shit, I don't look a day
over 25," writes the nazi titian, "And writing
lies about myself in the third person is just
weird."
http://www.whosyounger.com/

>> IMDB film length project <<
Last week we asked you to bash up a quick data
analysis to find out if films were getting
shorter or longer. Short answer? They're
getting longer. Long answer, then get clicky.
Thanks Mr infinitypoint0.
http://www.infinitypoint0.com/60/imdb-film-length-project/

>> Beginner's Guide to HDR <<
"Nowhere near as b3taesque as last week's Munchy
Box review," blithers jaredearle, "but here's
my absolute beginner's guide to HDR
Photography." Woo hoo! We really really need to
get off our arses and try this out. Bracketing,
posh cameras, must do this.
http://blog.23x.net/?p=7

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Accidental Innuendo

Last week we asked if you'd turned an innocent
conversation into filth. Seems quite a lot of
you are incapable of doing otherwise:
http://b3ta.com/questions/innuendo/

* FOXHUNTING? - "We'd met online, but our first
face-to-face meeting was at the Ritzy bar in
Brixton. I couldn't think of much to say, so I
was thinking "topical, topical, what's
topical?" - then I hit on what I naively
thought was neutral territory - bloodsports!
That same day outside my workplace the pro-
bloodsports Countryside Alliance had been
noisily demonstrating so I hit upon the idea of
asking, "What do you think about foxhunting?"
She looked a bit startled, looked at her shoes,
paused then said "Erm. It's not my favourite
thing or anything... um... but it has been
known... yeah, I do it." I'm a bit shocked,
there's previously been no mention of vulpine
extermination in her social CV, no mention that
at weekends she is one of the 'unspeakable in
pursuit of the uneatable.' I paused, somewhat
taken aback. She paused too. "Did you say
foxhunting?" "Yes" "Oh, I thought you said
cocksucking." (Wascally Weasel)

* FRIEND TO THE GAYS - "A gay couple who are
dear friends of ours were over for dinner when
the conversation drifted round to 'opposites
attract'. According to my wife, one
illustration of this phenomenon is that in
every happy couple there is always an organised
and tidy one (her) and a more spontaneous, less
organised one (me). It helps if one partner is
more obsessed with tidiness than the other,
right? Nods of recognition all round from me
and the gay chaps. "So," she asks brightly,
"which one of you two is the anal one?"
(Thomas_The_Spankengine)

* SORE BUM - "I was about 3, on the bus to
Oxleas Wood. Apparently, in those days I didn't
always wipe my arse properly and as such used
to get bad nappy-rash. So there we are, sat on
the top deck with a big rasta guy sat behind
us, when I pipe up with, "Daddy, I don't want
to go into the woods, my bottom hurts!"
Everyone stared at him." (Half of Stephen Fry's
right buttock)

>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like the useful advice old people have
given you. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Best jingle ever? <<
It's Rainham Sheds! Hallelujah, it's Rainham
Sheds! Need we say more?
http://www.rainhamsheds.co.uk/

>> Read at work <<
Initially confused us, but a clever idea. Read
literary classics while the boss thinks you're
hard at work - they're formatted to look like
you're slogging through a spreadsheet or
powerpoint presentation. If only someone would
do something like this for porn we'd be made up.
http://www.readatwork.com/

>> Sorry I missed your party <<
Snarky comments abound on this blog culled from
other people's party pics culled from Flickr.
Other people really look like losers when
they're having fun.
http://sorryimissedyourparty.com/

>> Expensive cable reviews <<
It just has to be some sort of computer error.
Surely nobody buys $500 cables for their
stereo. Anyway, tons and tons of reviews
extolling the connector's many wondrous
qualities. Interestingly, amazon's tag system
rates it as considerably more immoral than The
World of Dog Fighting.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000I1X6PM/b3ta-20

>> Startling tornado photo <<
Supposedly, the photographer looked out of her
window and caught sight of this bearing down on
the house. She snapped this shot then ran for
cover. It begs the question of whether there
are better pics out their whose authors didn't
start running in time...
http://snipurl.com/dropthecameraandrun [gizmodo_com]

>> Scientists do the funniest research <<
This scientist simply stuck his cock into a
foam cup a number of times, to see whether a
foreskin has any effect on how hard he has to
push. Sheesh.
http://www.cirp.org/library/anatomy/taves1/

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Naked sea snails!

No really, just look at this happy little
highly-toxic fellow! Just don't eat him.
http://cache.io9.com/assets/resources/2008/05/sillysnail.jpg

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Printing out jpegs and flicking them really fast

>> Dance the Yes <<
An odyssey in camp, as two gentlemen on stage
teach you how to dance the Yes. Our favourite
bit? "Let's do the fork in the garbage
disposal! Ding ding ding ding-ding ding ding!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyqUj3PGHv4

>> Star Wars Strictly Come Dancing <<
Good lord. Dance-off between major Star Wars
characters. Not entirely sure why we like this
so much. Maybe it's laughing at Star Wars
nerds. More likely because it's just fucking
great.
http://b3ta.com/links/Nerds_Star_Wars_Strictly_Come_Dancing_WTF

>> Ants eat gecko <<
Tiny ants rapidly gobble up a dead liizard,
then scarper with the larger bits for parts
unknown. The video-maker says this is filmed in
his kitchen. Insects that voracious would
probably save a ton of washing up - plates
picked clean!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Mt2E1M6dU

>> Fat cat does aerobics <<
Hard to say what this peculiar Japanese ad is
trying to sell with a ridiculously obese cat
character attempting strenuous exercise. Very
cute though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQXitF4lJto

>> Polite driver <<
Rally driver ploughs off the road on a corner,
narrowly missing killing the spectators. Still,
at least he pauses to make things right...
http://snipurl.com/brrrmbrrrm [www_break_com]

>> Robot band <<
We didn't stand up when they took all the
factory jobs - now look what's happened. Band
from New Zealand entirely comprised of
non-humanoid robots. we suspect, however, that
they don't write all their own material.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2JChnwv2Ws

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Double entry, double the pun

* COCKS - Lighthouse on the rocks? Or cock and
balls? It's a sticky question.
http://snipurl.com/suck-it-and-see [www_joeydevilla_com]

* PUNS - Not just 10, not just 20 but a full
top 50 of the best so-clever shop titles. As
you might expect, a fair number of hairdressers
in there, although we liked the Lord of the
Fries cafe.
http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/06/06/the-50-best-pun-stores/

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Cooking with Beta Challenge

Last week we wanted you to cook.

Your favourites included:

* CHICKEN CAKE - does exactly what it says on
the tin (Paolo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8457681

* CRISPS - not really cooking, but old-skool
gaming brought to life through the package of
potato snackage (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8467201

* MEME CREME - classic b3ta meme re-enacted
using marzipan, icing, and lots of food
colouring (Bobby Bob Bob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8465913

All this food, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cooking/

>> New challenge: 2012 Olympic Mascot <<
The BBC are asking people to design a
mascot for the London Olympics. We think
you can do better. Who or what would best
represent Britain to the world? Challenge
suggested by The Coast of Yemen.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascot/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* WEIRD GOOGLE ADS - "Regarding the latest
newsletter, this dodgy paedophile advert came
up on one my websites recently" writes
mrtinybrain. Um, we actually know what this is
about, so sit down and get a dull science and
marketing lesson kids. Ebay have an affiliate
scheme that earns money for third parties, the
trick is to get someone to click on an ebay
link then a few pennies of any transaction made
in the next few days goes to the site who
created the link. Hence people use all sorts of
odd bits of text - much of it computer
generated to get your attention. This is why -
for example - we sometimes see "Buy Buffy's
Swearing Keyboard now!!!" on the B3ta google
ads. Not our fault we promise you.
http://mrtinybrain.com/age14.PNG

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
Puzzlefarter

We've always theorised that Marry Poppins
powered her upwards flight by guffing under her
starchy skirts, but it never occurred to us that
this would be a great idea for a game. Fools
that we are. BTW: Press the up key twice,
you'll get the hang of it.
http://puzzlefarter.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* INTERNET VS GRANDMASTER CHESS - everyone in
the world gets to click on the chess board and
vote where the piece goes next. Would the
internet beat Garry Kasparov? What about in a
wanking competition?

* WHY REAL MEN SHOULDN'T WEAR LYCRA - we did 10
mins research on this and it all got too gay
porny for us.

* AMAZON RANK WIDGET - when our lovely sick
joke book was published we used to obsessively
check the sales rank. What would be lovely -
for booky types, would be a widget that peeps
could embed into their blogs/facebooks that
drew lovely graphs. Ooh - what is the sales rank
then? An excuse to link to our book you say?
Absolutely.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1905548281/b3ta-21

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kundalini, c_kick,
satan's magic jumper, insert username here, jim
herbert, Flamo, Cam, SockCooker, loogie, Ana,
kitch, yank meoff. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols by Thor_sonofodin.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
"Window cleaners at traffic lights - I've
tried this in France and the UK and it works:
if you oddly don't want your car windscreen
'washed' by those twits that hang around at
traffic lights, just say in a loud voice 'It's
not my car'. Works every time." (le chat qui
pue)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
One
How many psychics does it take to change a
lightbulb?
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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Freitag, 6. Juni 2008

[b3ta] "B3TA: No longer on fucking fire."

This Week:
* COOKING - Sweets in the Breville
* LEGO - Amy Winehouse is bricking it
* EVIL PENCILS - Everyone loves evil pencils

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're touching the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cloth... together"

B3ta email 331 - 6 Jun 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue331/

Obama: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Hillary: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
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Is your job shit? Want to top yourself with a
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Is that you? £35k sound good? Like gambling?
Then send your CV and your online casino banner
ad design to hello@fridgeuk.com and also visit:
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Tattoo your ad message on our internet face.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Haribo, Lego and Jedi nerds

>> Internet fatty toasted sandwich <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer has been playing with a
Breville and a load of sweets, in an attempt to
imagine what a true internet fatty would
concoct when feeling peckish. This is full of
win.
http://www2.b3ta.com/internetfattytoastedsandwich/

>> Amy Winehouse in Lego <<
Last week we asked you to beat our version of
Star Trek's Sulu and make your own favourite
celebs from Danish plastic bricks. Viridian
stepped up to the might challenge with a
fantastic and almost arty Amy Winehouse. Looks
just like her, but with better skin.
http://www.merde-sans-frontieres.co.uk/Amy/

>> Star Wars jugglers <<
"I've made something that you might like,"
proffers Thomas Scott like an internet Fagin,
"it's called "The Coruscant Juggling Club", and
it's got some Jedi jugglers in it." He also
asked us to make some jokes about balls but
we're far too sophisticated for that. (BTW: Our
favourite new expression for semen is
'ballpaper paste'.)
http://www.thomasscott.net/jugglers/

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Public Transport Trauma

Last week we asked for your public transport
woes. Based on these, we don't ever want to
share a bus with any of you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/publictransport/

* OMG NATIONAL NEWS STORY IS A B3TARD, YEP THAT
TRANSFORMERS AT AIRPORT THINGIE - "A couple of
weeks ago I was forced to remove my
transformers t-shirt at Heathrow Terminal 5 to
get through airport security. Because the
depicted robot was carrying a gun according to
the security guy. I got on page 15 of "The Sun"
on Monday. The BBC heard about it, and sent
over a film crew - I even got a pint on the
BBC. Which tasted even better coming from my
license fee. It even got as far that my Mum in
Brisbane. The worst experience is to come as I
expect I've been put on a 'black list' for
extra special treatment next time I go through
an airport for showing what fools BAA are. The
most amusing thing about the whole thing is
reading comments on blogs/news sites around the
world. They range from those giving grief to a
30 year old wearing a transformers t-shirt, to
those arguing that it isn't Megatron, it's
Optimus Prime." (Kaer)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx1-ebyXNMY

* FREE HAIR GEL - "Manchester, Saturday night.
The last available double seat downstairs was
right in front of a pack of chavvy looking guys
of about 15. They didn't look too bad though
and the one directly behind me was unmistakably
learning disabled so I thought they were
probably quite nice to be out with him really.
I have pretty nice hair. It's long, it's silky,
it's been described as 'glistening in the sun
like freshly spun gold' when just washed.
People comment on it a fair amount and a lot of
my friends like to randomly stroke it, so I
wasn't all that surprised when I felt someone
behind me playing with it. When I turned round
to ask the kid to stop... well, you can't hide
a raging boner in a pair of nylon trackies.
Somewhat freaked out, I said nothing and turned
back around. I didn't really want to draw any
attention to the poor guy, but when I heard the
lads he was with start laughing, I realised
they must have noticed. I felt a bit sorry for
him when I got off the bus to meet my friend
for swimming. She told me I looked a bit weird,
so I explained what had happened as we went
inside. It was only when passed her in the
changing rooms that she let out a shriek. You
guessed it. Retarded Scally Boy had had a
lovely bus wank and jizzed in my hair."
(Completely Underwhelmed)

* SO, SO SORRY - "I would like to apologise to
the cleaners of the toilets on First Capital
Connect trains. I was mid-poo and needed to be
sick and I wasn't sure what to do. I now
realise that deliberating with my arse facing
the door and my mouth the wall wasn't the best
thing to do when the spasm hit. To spray so
completely two sides of a toilet and the floor,
although impressive, must have ruined your
morning. You will be rewarded in the afterlife
and I will be reincarnated as a toilet duck."
(sepang - who is not welcome in B3ta HQ any
time soon)

>> This Week's Question <<
How far have you had to go before someone will
finally get the message and accept that they
are dumped? Tell us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pleasereleaseme/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Sexist lols <<
Men all over the world are being currently
dragged to see the Sex And The City movie, to
keep their wives and girlfriends happy. They
may pretend to like it, but these two links
represent what they really think. (Unless they
are gay. Or like wearing dresses.)
http://www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/
http://thechickensarescratching.ytmnd.com/

>> 2girls1cup Cake <<
We recently made a Thomas the Tank Engine cake
for a child's birthday, simply by taking a
picture off the internet and giving it to our
local cake shop. These people did the same, and
we hope the party went with a swing. BTW: Just
looked into printing our own cakes, you can get
special non-lethal ink for printer for about
£120 and make about 150 cakes.
http://flickr.com/photos/pinguino/2543609793/

>> Crap Album Covers <<
We shouldn't slag off MS Paint, it's like
kicking a wounded puppy, but the Fisher-Price
version of photoshop you get with Windows
really is shit. Nonetheless we love this series
of classic album covers, all lovingly rendered
with - yes, you guessed it, MS Paint. Their
spack-handed quality gives them a remedial
charm.
http://snipurl.com/mspaintisbent [flickr_com]

>> Joke with a five year punchline <<
We marvel at someone who can be arsed to bury a
laminated letter at the bottom of a pond in the
hope that they can go HA! at some unspecified
time in the future.
http://snipurl.com/pondlols [www_thatcanadiangirl_co_uk]

>> Nasty prison knives <<
Shivs are improvised weapons made by lags for
stabbing the screws. We enjoyed this rather
nasty little collection, although if we were in
chokey, we'd blind people with our thumbs.
http://www.designobserver.com/archives/shiv1.html

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINKYWOOS

Admit it, you've always wondered how the powers
that be create accurate maps. Do they send
artistic monkeys into space? Do they attach
colossal cameras to zeppelins? Is someone
making plaster casts of the world while we
sleep? Well, now you need wonder no more...
http://tinyurl.com/5qjzck

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Now showing on Easyjet...

>> Wazzock of the week <<
Only a complete pillock would decide to slide
down a ladder in his mum's laundry basket,
especially if the laundry basket is haphazardly
propped up against a tree. The result is
predictable but who ever said predictable isn't
funny.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/193028

>> MMORPG LOLS <<
Multiplayer games: most people play by the
rules, spoilsports hide behind a wall and snipe
their opponents, but it takes a special type of
cunt to sit on a horse and systematically kick
anyone who passes him into a deep ravine. Bonus
points for the music.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-rl3RPC_Mw

>> Can I smell yo dick? <<
Beyond parody and possibly one of the chavviest
tracks we've ever heard. Jeremy Kyle should
abandon his rubbish lie detector tests and go
for the penis-scented jugular - "can I smell
your dick?"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Riskay_Smell_Yo_Dick

>> Jacko is the Child Catcher <<
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is made even more
noncetastic by the addition of Michael Jackson's
Earth Song. BTW: Sadly cuts out before Guy
Pratt's brilliant bass work on the final chorus.
(Um. We've been reading his autobiog, and it's
highly recommended to all music nerds.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Child_Catcher

>> Creepy pencil <<
Donnie Darko so much to answer for. Art
students can't even do course work these
days without turning it into a vortex sucking
pan dimensional paedo fest. Top marks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Creepy_Pencil

>>Charlie the Unicorn is back <<
A year ago we featured the very loveable
Charlie the Unicorn. Now he's back with two
supremely irritating Cartman voiced companions
who remove an amulet from his back while he's
trying to watch the telly. Adult Swim we hope
you're reading as this is genius.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Charlie_The_Unicorn_2:2

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring Penis User

Whoever designed the cover of this issue of
Parents Magazine might regret the placing of
mummy's head. The sticker doesn't help either.
Old, and all over the internet, but then so are
we.
http://growabrain.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/parents.gif

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA ON FIRE
Burn baby, burn

Many of you will have noticed that our site
was down for much of the previous week, thanks
to a fire at our service provider. It was a
right painus in the anus, we can tell you.

However, we got some lovely messages of
encouragement like this from Sheep: "Really
glad B3ta's up and running again. Slightly
soppy thanks to you (and your support people)
for still doing b3ta after all these years. I
only realised how much I enjoy and appreciate
the site when it was gone, and it was
definitely sad to have B3ta down even for a few
days."

BTW: Make sure you check out Sheep's site, he's
been brightening up our boards with his
self-starring loops since time began.
http://sheepfilms.co.uk/anims/animindex.htm

-------------------------------------------------

: MESSAGE TO VIC HARKNESS
Girlfriend, give your boy mo love!

Mike W pleads, "I write to you with what I
assume is an unusual personal request. My
wonderful girlfriend Vic Harkness is a fan of
this website and all the random/pointless crap
it contains. And to put it bluntly, the fact
she's always on this website, it's destroying
our relationship. She has actually told me that
she prefers to have a computer than me, which
makes me feel just spiffing. So instead of my
trying and failing to get through to her myself
I figured I'd ask if you could possibly put an
eye-catching feature in your next newsletter to
give her a message... maybe saying something
about B3ta always being there but Mike (Me)
won't be."

So there you go. Phil Collins dumped his missus
by fax, and Mike W is issuing an ultimatum by
the magic of B3ta. There will be wobbling.

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Ronseal Plots Challenge

Last week we wanted you to do exactly what it
says on the tin.

Your favourites included:

* BINTS - Sex In The City (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8415032

* MIDGETS - Lord of the Rings (Damocles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8414146

* CHRIST - The Bible (M3Essential)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8414194

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ronsealplots/

>> Famous Tart Cards <<
Take a celeb, and fire up Photoshop to show us
how they would advertise their wares in a seedy
telephone box ad. Challenge suggested by The
Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/famoustartcards/

BTW: As Fraser was busy helping the police with
their enquiries last week, we didn't run the
results form the photoshop money challenge.
Winners were Spunky McPunk, WiL and tapeworm
- them and all the rest can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/photoshoppedmoney/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* CYRIAK RIP OFF - Our very own photomashing
B3tard is feeling a bit peeved by a recent
McDonalds ad. Compare and contrast.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Itl08AFJOZI
http://www.cyriak.co.uk/gifs039.html

* MJ HIBBETT NEARLY GETS AD DEAL - a few weeks
back we ran an advert for the Viral Factory
asking any would-be creatives to get in touch.
Hibbett did, and his sadly rejected work is
here. Boo hiss. C'mon Saatchi & Saatchi, give
this man a gig.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xa1gXCVgQuc

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* DIY LION POO EXPERIMENT - Eat an entirely
meat diet for a few weeks, then see if your
shit repels cats from the garden? (Joel, this
one is for you.)

* ANSWER A B3TARD'S QUESTION! - omg_oakley asks,
"Is there such thing as a pill or some other
system to make ordinary tap water into fizzy
water?"

* COCK AND BALL QUIZ - Woking Girl coquettishly
enquires, "Have you ever played cock or ball?
It's where you show a bit of your cock or ball
over your trousers and everyone else has to
guess if its a bit of cock or ball.Good way to
pass a bank holiday. I am a girl, by the way,
I didn't take part." Nonsense, you loved it.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
'Lucy Reese' Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
Azra3l, Caewan and some others who we're deeply
sorry we're forgetting to mention but Dave is
on his hols and he's much better at remembering
who to credit than Rob is. Top Tippery by
Maudlin McCann. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via chenobble.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Just the right amount of Mr Muscle in your
wife's tea allows you to satisfy your
Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

-------------------------------------------------

SICKIPEDIA:
I for one much prefer the Austrian version of
Big Brother.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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