Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: August 2010

Freitag, 27. August 2010

[b3ta] "Green bin for cardboard, blue bin for cats"

This Week:
* OWLS - with hangovers
* COWELL - with a smile
* TWAT - with a gun

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're writing the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | newsletter from free
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cafe wifi... together"

B3ta email 443- 27 Aug 2010

Read this issue on your web enabled penis:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue443/

Sexy people: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Scum: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Greetings cards that take no prisoners

B3tans! If you ever manage to cure your crushing
social anxiety and managed to bag a partner the
next problem is - what card do you buy them for
their birthday? What about "Happy Birthday from
the Gay Mafia", or maybe you're into cross
stitching and want an embroidered "lovely girl"
or even a Mad Men inspired "Happy Birthday
Cocksucker". Get spending because there's
something to delight (or offend) anyone here.
http://bit.ly/dmcards

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cowell, Things and Fictional Companies

>> Good old Simon Cowell <<
"Here's something I did for the BBC Comedy
people," beams Cyriak. Unsettling adventures of
a beaming Simon Cowell.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Simon_Cowell

>> Things <<
Baldmonkey has been to the seaside. Here's his
exuberant scat-singing celebration of the
existence of objects. Kind of mesmerising.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Things

>> 8-Bit Pwny Club 4 <<
Jonti and chums discuss the worst companies to
work for - if you live in a computer game.
http://weebls-stuff.com/toons/8+Bit+Pwny+Club+ep.4/

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Narrow Escapes

Last week we asked how you'd dodged the Grim
Reaper and lived to tell us the tale. Some of
these will raise goose-bumps:
http://b3ta.com/questions/escapes/

* Pub, Shepherds Bush, early Saturday afternoon.
My girlfriend and I were having a quick pint
before heading into town for a spot of shopping.
There were a number of QPR supporters, all in
good spirits, the atmosphere was jovial and
upbeat. We'd nearly done when two men ran in
to a group in the far corner. 'Leeds are here!'
They jumped up and started making calls. Peering
out of the window behind me, I saw about 30-40
grown men swaggering towards us, 'LEEDS! LEEDS!
LEEDS! LEEDS!' We decided to sit tight and stay
out of it. The two crowds met and started beating
seven shades of shit out of one another. We
tried to stay calm, but this was incredibly hard
with windows being smashed around us. I saw my
girlfriend's eyes widen; over my shoulder she'd
seen coming towards the pub a 20 stone Leeds
hooligan, arms raised holding a manhole cover.
He was laughing as he got closer, loving what
he was doing. He kept motioning as if to throw
it as he got closer. Now right up against the
window, gurning with delight, he raised the
manhole above his head once more and took a
step backwards. 'Get under the table,' I ordered
my girlfriend. I sat transfixed as the beast
moved another step back manhole held high. He
took one more step and then just collapsed! His
leg had gone straight down the uncovered drain.
20 stone of twat hurtled towards the floor,
smashing his ballbag into the edge of the hole.
The cover crashed to the floor, narrowly missing
his head. I slipped down from my seat and under
the table, pissing myself with laughter."
(Monkey the Chicken)

* About six or seven, on one of those fancy
sleeper train things hurtling across the south
of France, up to my armpits in X-men comics and
warm Coca-Cola. My family had all hit the hay
when too much warm coke found me blearily
making my way to the loo. After relieving myself,
I got caught in one of those weird intersection
like parts of train, the joining bits between
the carriages. One was locked and had a blacked
out window. The other was similarly blacked out,
but when I tried the door... WHOOOOOOSH!!! There
was the French countryside in all its 100mph
glory. I was clinging onto the door for dear life,
feeling my grip slip away, knowing that my brief
life was coming to an end. Then my mum grabbed
me by the scruff of the neck and pulled me back
inside. My father went completely ballistic at
the train guards. 'LE FUCKING DOOR-PORT, WHAT
LE FUCK?!' French was never his strong suit."
(spiderslut)

* "My grandad was one of the unfortunates who was
rescued at Dunkirk. He was in the midst of
clambering onto a fishing boat when he felt a
blinding pain, and realised he had been shot four
times... with one bullet. It entered his right
buttock at such an angle that it exited near the
bunghole, re-entered his left buttock and exited
the other side. Luckily, he never proudly showed
his scars.
(bobman500)

>> This Week's Question <<
We've opened the B3ta confessional in honour of
the Pope's impending visit to the UK. Got anything
you need to get off your chest?
http://b3ta.com/questions/confess/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Hung-over owls <<
Generally speaking we hate birds, but then the
only birds we see are horrid London pigeons,
with dirty feathers, pecking at fag-ends in the
gutter. Owls are a different matter, but they
should never, ever be mocked like this.
Disgraceful.
http://hungoverowls.tumblr.com/

>> Disturbing cartoon <<
If we could travel in time we'd make an alarm
clock snooze button that would let us stay in
bed 5 minutes longer and keep pressing it so
we'd probably end up getting up for school aged
70. Oops. Others have different ideas:
http://i.imgur.com/94ePv.jpg

>> Crabs smoking cigarettes <<
More animal abuse masquerading as internet
lols. Still, we laughed, then felt guilty and
then celebrated our moral indecision with a
crab sandwich.
http://snurl.com/crabsmoke

>> You'll never look at a duck the same way <<
Go on, look closely - their beaks look exactly
like a dog mask. (Actually we tried this with a
real duck in a duck pond the other day and they
move too quickly to get a fix on, so this
illusion only works well with photos.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Do_they_Whack_or_Quoof

>> Website poster <<
Cool idea for a poster here. Take the favicon
of sites (those 16 pixel wide icons that appear
in the address bar of the browser) and blow
them up to the relative traffic of the site.
We'd def consider getting one, but there isn't
a clear bit of wall space in B3ta HQ since our
last dirty protest.
http://nmap.org/favicon/?q=b3ta.com

>> Facebook through history <<
If historical events had facebook statuses.
Simple format for gags we've seen before but
it's easy win this stuff, isn't it?
http://snurl.com/fbinhistory

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like big TV from wrong end of telescope

>> David McCandless on data visualisation at TED. <<
We remember Mr McCandless from before his recent
rise to fame with the InformationIsBeautiful
column - he once sent us a book to feature
(Internet: The Book!) and then, to say
thank-you, he sent us presents in the post which
kept us awake for nearly 36 hours - if only
everybody who wanted a PR puff was so thoughtful.
http://snurl.com/mccandlessted

>> New Simon's Cat! <<
What worried us about Simon's Cat is that they
only live, say, 15 years or so, and now Simon's
cat is so famous poor Simon will probably spend
most of his life drawing a dead cat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Simons_cat

>> WHAT A TWAT! <<
Bloke thinks he is a hard man and makes a vid
then puts it on the internet for loads of
people to lol at. Actually, time to 'fess up.
It's the snake that does it for us.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/WHAT_A_TWAT

>> Ringtone drummer <<
Here's a lesson in what difference a bit of
good drumming can make to a dull track. Frankly
we want to get this guy to improve all our
crappo demos.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ringtone_drummer

>> How to catch a seagull in 6 easy steps <<
More animal abuse! The Royal Society for the
Prevention of Birds will have something to say
about this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_catch_a_seagull_in_6_easy_steps

>> Demented Soca video <<
"Soca or soul calypso is a form of Popular West
Indian music originated in the islands of
Trinidad and Tobago" - thanks Wikipedia. This
is how Ricky Gervais should have made the
finale to The Office.
http://bit.ly/d6pMTC

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not a funny name but...

Collapsibletank writes in with this glorious
paedo logo. It's a theme we've seen before, but
such a fine example we thought we'd share:
http://www.sp2.upenn.edu/fieldctr/

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Inventing Words Challenge

Last week we wanted you to invent a
new word by changing one letter of a
word that already exists

Your favourites included:

* HIPPONOTAMUS - anything that doesn't
resemble a hippo (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10159246

* MYSTERECTOMY - taking all the suspense
out of a movie by revealing spoilers
to someone who hasn't seen it
(dirtyscarab)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10157873

* FOREPLOY - the practice of obtaining
sex by deception (Afinkawan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10158614

All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/words/

>> New challenge: Making Things Worse <<
Find a normal photo of normal people
doing normal things, then add in the
worst thing that could possibly happen,
introducing unexpected and unlikely
danger to the situation. Challenge
suggested by mike waz ere.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gettingworse/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* SPONSOR A B3TAN - MrGomez writes, "I've been
a B3tard for 7 years, so I thought I could ask
a favour off you lovely people. B3tards aren't
well-known for our physical skillz. So I'm
probably the worst person to decide to do an
ultra-marathon. But me and my mate Colin are
doing 5 and a half marathons in 6 days to raise
money for Age UK. Feel free to flame the crap
out of me. OR you can sponsor us here."
http://www.justgiving.com/takethelongroad
http://www.takethelongroad.co.uk/

* PINK FLOYD SPED UP - Canazza writes, "Since
everyone seems to love those slowed-down songs,
I thought I'd speed up a slow one. Here's Shine
On You Crazy Diamond at 300%. When they start
to sing it's something rather special." Heh -
speeding it up has revealed the hidden sea
shanty within. Altogether now!
http://snurl.com/shinefaster

* MISSING PERSON - Esme Weatherwax is hoping
B3ta could work a bit like a milk bottle in the
80s and writes, "My cousin has been missing for
a week now. Can you repost it if you're in
Canada or know anyone who's there? Thank you
very much."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_cousin_has_been_missing_for_a_week_now

* YES, JOEL CAN BE A SHIT - TimChuma writes,
"That 60-minute enlightenment thing. Goddamn
it! I watched all 60 minutes of it. Then '??.??
minutes until enlightenment. TIMER ERROR PLEASE
WAIT."

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* WORLD'S BIGGEST FUNSNAP - Can you empty about
a 1000 of the fuckers into some thin tissue and
drop it off a bridge?

* FAIREST PLACE FOR LUNCH - McClairey asks, "Is
there anything out there that will tell me what
the easiest destination is for two people in
different bits of London to get to (via Tube,
bus or shoe)? Example being, I work in Camden,
and my missus works in Clerkenwell. I would
like to meet up for lunch in Angel, but I am
not sure that this is the quickest place for
both of us to get to. So it'd be a bit like TFL
Journey Planner but more for mid-points than
end-points. Please help, clever b3tans."

* FREE GLOBAL WIRELESS FOR EVERYONE - it's a
right painus in the anus trying to write this
newsletter from a cafe in Cromer.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by sinisterduck, Funt,
mrmonkfish, SockCooker, panik,
LemonEntryMyDearWatson, prince-igor, King of
Beers, pissflaps, The_Fiend, PokeHQ, and
alexispetridis.
Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Woken up feeling a bit miserable? Cheer
yourself up and make the day seem like a
special occasion by cutting your toast into
triangles.

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Freitag, 20. August 2010

[b3ta] "RIP MONSTER TRUCK"

This Week:
* EXPERIMENTS - Human vs Rat!
* ENLIGHTENMENT - By looking at, err, you'll see
* READ IT - English as She is Spoke

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Taking photos of our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | cocks and then deleting
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| them... together"

B3ta email 442 - 20 Aug 2010

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue442/

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsub: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: "SPONSORED" LINK
Piss sticks, we're linking Amazon again

Why is the Klaxons album art work like some
shit old b3ta photoshop from about 2003?
http://snurl.com/klaxonsb3ta

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We actually had an ad this week then it was
moved to next week, ho hum. Talk to us. We will
help you.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making love to their hands

>> Human vs Rat <<
"Rats are good at solving mazes," points out
Tom Scott. "So are humans. But which is
better?" There's only one way to find out:
http://tomscott.com/maze/

>> Enlightenment <<
Truly incredible tool enables you to harness
the entirety of universal wisdom, from Joel and
the boys.
http://www.rathergood.com/enlightenment

>> 8-bit YouTube <<
Faceburger imagines a world where YouTubes were
invented in 1985.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_bit_youtube

>> I'm On A Boat (Chiptune Cover + Female Vocals) <<
"Here's us on a boat in Florida Keys doing a
music video to our Lonely Island cover,"
squeals superpowerless. We're not sure if
superpowerless is the lady with the breasts,
the gentleman with the beard, or the dog with
the hat. But clearly this vid has something for
every taste.
http://snurl.com/chippyyeah

-------------------------------------------------

>> Sad news from Joel <<
"Hi dudes," writes Joel Veitch. "Our kitten
Monster Truck has been murdered by a psycho
dog. Poor little sod. He was a lovely little
cat. It happened on Sunday but it's made me too
sad to write about it till now. Guess I'm
getting soft as I get older. I've popped the
story up here:
http://www.rathergood.com/monster_truck

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lies that got out of control

Last week saw panic and confusion within the
B3ta community as we asked you to tell the truth
about lying. All the stories you see here are
100 per cent accurate. We think.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pantsonfire/

* DEAD GIRL – When I was six, my parents used
to ask me what I'd done at school that day.
Invariably, I would tell them a small white
lie. One day, I told them "a little girl got
knocked over by a car outside school and died",
which was a complete fabrication. Cue panicked
phone calls, and when my dad dropped me off
the next morning there was a huge crowd of
parents and journalists outside, some with
flowers, while the head was being accused of
staging some sort of cover-up. Nobody worked
out the source of the rumour, but I vividly
remember the lengthy shouting-at I got from
both parents when I got home. (sanityclause)

* SKINHEAD - I was 14, and decided it would
be a good idea if I shaved my head. I asked my
mum if I could have a Grade 1 but she refused
because she thought I'd look like a thug. So
I did it anyway, and dumped the cuttings in
the bin. Worried about at what mum would say,
I tied a sweatshirt around my head. "We were
playing football and I wanted to be Ruud
Gullit, and this looks like I have dreads,"
I lied. Come Monday morning, I was still
wearing the jumper, but she pulled it off to
reveal my shaven head. "It just fell out over
the weekend," I lied again, and she booked me
an appointment with the doctor straight away
as I "might have a serious illness". It was
only as we pulled up outside the surgery that
I fessed up, and felt terrible about it. Years
Later, I found out she'd known all along
because she'd seen the hair cuttings in the
bin. She just wanted how long I'd keep wearing
a jumper on my head. (Monkey the Chicken)

* SPACEMAN - I've always been a massive liar,
so when my Year 1 teacher asked me what my
Dad's job was during class, I chose not to
answer with "Youth Worker", which even at the
age of six struck me as pant-wettingly dull.
Instead I opted for "Astronaut". Amazingly,
I seemed to get away with it, and everyone
was suitably awe-struck. Sadly, this also
included the teacher, who asked if my
astro-dad would be able to come and give a
talk to the class about his amazing life.
I looked at her witheringly, and replied
"Of course he can't. He's in space." (kirst0s)

>> This Week's Question <<
We're knocking together our own version of
Final Destination (only without all the blood
and stuff), so we're asking you to tell us of
your lucky escapes:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/escapes/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Justin Bieber 800% slower <<
The adorable pop moppet's U Smile is vastly
improved by slowing him down 800%. Lovely,
ambient sound, like a child-sized whale.
http://soundcloud.com/shamantis/j-biebz-u-smile-800-slower

ALSO: lifehacker shows how to make your own
slowed-down classics. We particularly liked
the Rick Astley video in the comments.
http://snurl.com/wifehacker

>> "English as She is Spoke" <<
Fantastically incompetent 19th-century
Portuguese-English phrasebook. Neither of the
authors could speak English is the problem.
Still, A for effort. Download the PDF here:
http://www.exclassics.com/espoke/espkpdf.pdf

>> Useful installer website <<
Great site, if you need to set up a
freshly-installed PC. Just select the apps you
want from the list and it generates an
auto-installer. No dialogue boxes, no options,
just the standard installs without aggro.
http://www.ninite.com/

>> Unicorn being a jerk <<
Further adventures of the mythical beast who
inspired the term "dickhead".
http://snurl.com/unijerk

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a big video thing at a gig but smaller

>> Fuck me Ray Bradbury <<
Your guide to making a hit internet video. 1.
Write a song about a geeky hero. 2. Get it sung
by a lady who's not averse to showing a little
flesh. 3. Keep doing it until a TV or film
company gives you lots of cash. (Our version
would be Lily Cole sings Matthew Smith, The
Musical.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fuck_me_Ray_Bradbury

>> Smells Like Teen Spirit vs Rockin' Robin <<
One of those shitty mashup things - but better
than most as A. it all fits together rather
well and B. The chirpiness of the backing track
contrasts will Kurt's doomy singing to create
lols.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNUTYHJrutw

>> This makes no sense <<
Just sit back and let it wash over you. Like
Salvador Dali wanking on your cheeks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_Grandma_Rides_a_Skateboard

>> Wonders of the Stoner System <<
"M'colleague DJ Rubbish made this cut-up of
Brian Cox," writes Cassetteboy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wonders_of_the_Stoner_System

>> Utterly awful cover of Sweet Child O' Mine <<
"Wait 'til the drums 'kick in'," writes
Jamie_W, "I did a massive lol." You'll last
less than a minute, but it's a glorious minute.
We can't decide if they're being shit on
purpose - funny either way, mind you.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Utterly_awful_cover_of_Sweet_Child_O_Mine

>> Salvador Dali on "What's My Line?" <<
Not a sketch. This really happened and it's
10 minutes of the most entertaining television
we've ever watched. Thanks internet for giving
us this treat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXT2E9Ccc8A

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Dragon's Den Challenge

Last week we wanted you to invent inventions

Your favourites included:

* OUT - A machine that identifies one's sexual
leanings doesn't go down well with all the
Dragons (bennyhillslovechild)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10152825

* DARTH - Lord Vader receives funding for an
unusual venture (CatDog)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10152270

* CARPET - inoffensive religious joke ahoy
(hedonist)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10154753

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dragonsden/

>> New challenge: Invent a Word <<
This week's challenge is to invent a new word
by changing one letter of a word that already
exists, then illustrate the result. Confused?
Think "Ambiduxtrous" - the ability to hold a
duck in either hand. Challenge suggested by The
Coast of Yemen
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/words/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* B3TA BOARD MAKES AN ALBUM, Dave! writes,
"ALBUMHOLE! Featuring (in no particular order)
Dave!, The Slapdash Rapper, Kids in mono,
Cyriak, Count Vanderhoff, Burning bright,
Thomas the search engine, mr.dogshit, c_kick,
K-lyd, TheColonel and Broken Science."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/513333

* SPONGMONKEYS GAME - Joel Veitch writes, "We
Like The Moon is now available on Rock
Band! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've got We Like
The Moon live on the Rock Band network! YEAH!"
http://www.rockband.com/songs/UGC_5002205

* FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN TO SEND BRIAN BLESSED TO
THE MOON - as requested by Brian himself in
last week's newsletter. Thanks to Emma Haxton
for starting this.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=146719395347443&ref=ts

* INSPIRATIONAL EMAILS - splorp writes, "Just
thought I would drop you a quick email to thank
you for B3ta's ongoing inspiration to do web
stuff. You featured my very silly site
www.tiddles.co.uk in newsletter 145 (I think,
or was it 125?) and the resulting massive
response I got from around the world was
enormous fun and showed me what larks could be
had setting up an online community. Fast
forward a few years and I was diagnosed with
Type One diabetes and so having learnt from my
tiddles.co.uk experience, I set up a somewhat
irreverent and slightly humorous diabetes
community at shootuporputup.co.uk, which
readers tell me has helped in a small way to
change people's lives for the better. Which is
nice. Then having seen you guys doing
interviews with famous people, I thought I
could have a crack at that and so contacted a
bunch of famous diabetics. As a result I'm now
collecting questions from my readers to ask
diabetic uber-sportsman-God Sir Steve Redgrave,
who agreed to do an interview. This is pretty
cool. So there we have it - just thought I'd
let you know that B3ta, oddly enough, has been
a genuine inspiration."
http://www.shootuporputup.co.uk/

* ARE YOU AMBIWANKSTROUS? skidrowpete replies,
"Yes I am ambiwankstrous. Why? Because Jasper
Carrott once said it feels like someone else if
you use your left hand, so I tried it. It was
odd at first but now I am a pro." Whereas
Lurker wishes he was so lucky as, "it feels
so much bigger in the wrong hand."

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* API FUN - use the Radio 1 API data to create
isChrisMoylesOnRadio1.com, a valuable warning
service for people considering tuning in. (Matt
Round)

* IPHONE MOCKERY - See if signal bars drop when
the cat puts its paw on the antenna join; if
so, blog post "iPhone 4 Not For Cats" = traffic
win (Again, Matt Round. Hi Matt!)

* TONY BLAIR HATRED - ian.n.paterson asks, "You
probably haven't heard but that arsehole Tony
Blair is releasing his book this week. To
appease his conscience, he is donating all
proceeds from the book to the British Legion.
As much as I hate the warmongering little twat
and want to start things like Facebook groups
to boycott Waterstones for hosting the launch
and not buying the rancid little turd's tome I
had a much better idea. Let's all buy the book
as a sign of wanting the proceeds to go to such
a worthy charity. Then let's organise bonfires
around the country to burn the books as a mass
sign of how much we hate him. A few Tony guys
on the top of the pyre would also be very
satisfying." Wait, wait; Now we hate Tony & Guy?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Gingey, Dave
Gormano, Dave! the_spoon, FixedNoseFace!
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Ever come down in the morning, cooked up some
porridge and found that you've run out of salt?
Knock one out into your porridge and stir in
thoroughly for a low-sodium alternative.
(currantbun)

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Mittwoch, 18. August 2010

Vol 930 - August 18, 2010 - Strange 7 Question Test

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

3 NEW WEBSITE ENHANCEMENTS!

We have added three new features that you have been asking for.

1. GAMES UPGRADE - TOURNAMENTS - NEW FORMAT - WIN CASH & PRIZES

"NEW! Play free online games on Strange Cosmos now! Play your favorite games like Diner Dash, Cube Crasher and Bubble Town with your friends or by yourself. You can now invite your friends from Facebook to play and compete in Cash Tournaments and win fun prizes; get ready to compare each others' scores!"

NEW "OLD" GAMES ADDED! CLASSICS - FROGGER - PAC-MAN - ASTEROIDS !!!!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/games.html

2. Auto Image Centering - no need to scroll down and center the image anymore!

3. New Utility Bar on top right and bottom of each image page which allows direct connect to 12 POPULAR Social Networking and News sites - FaceBook - MySpace - Reddit - Twitter - Digg - Stumbleupon - Yahoo - Google.

Now it's easier than ever to share and store your favorite images and jokes!

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

==================================

Misc Strange Quotes:

"Do not envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied"

"Love starts with a hug, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear!"

"The lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory!"

"Only those who can see the invisible can do the impossible!"

"Its ok to kiss a fool, its ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you!"

"Friends are gods ways of apologizing for our families"

"You only live once...but if you live it right, once is enough"

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it"-Jonathan winters.

"Knowledge talks, wisdom listens"

"To control others is to have power, to control yourself is to know the way" - Lao Ma

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange 7 Question Test

1. A lady read a book, turned the light out and went to sleep. In the morning, when she saw in the newspaper that a ship had sunk drowning all on board, she committed suicide. Why?

2. A young man entered a bar and asked for a glass of water. The person behind the bar produced a gun and pointed it at the man. He replied, "Thank you," and walked off. Why?

3. Imagine you are driving a Mercedes at 100 mph. The steering locks. The doors lock. The brakes fail. You can't get out! You're heading for a 1,000 foot cliff! What do you do?

4. 2 + 2 + 5 = 247. Add one small line to make the sum correct.

5. Luke had it before. Paul had it behind. Ladies have it at the beginning, but only once. Abraham Lincoln had it twice. Boys cannot have it at all. Doctor Lowell had it before and behind. He actually had it twice as bad behind as he had it in front. What is it?

6. A man once broke all of the Ten Commandments. He lied, stole (the value of the article is irrelevant), lusted—which the Bible says is "to commit adultery in his heart," failed to love God above all else, failed to honor his parents, as well as to keep the Sabbath holy. He hated (which God sees as murder), failed to honor God's name, and he also "coveted," which means to want other people's things. How could God, who is perfect and holy (and therefore by His very nature must punish transgression of His Law), forgive him freely, and yet justice still be done? How can the man avoid Hell and go to Heaven?

7. A man on horseback went on a two day trip. He left on Tuesday and arrived home on Tuesday. How could this be?

Answers:

1. She was a lighthouse keeper.

2. He had the hiccups.

3. You stop "imagining."

4. Put a line on the first "+," from the top left, making it into a "4."

2 4 2 + 5 = 247

5. It is the letter "L."

6. The only way the man could avoid being found guilty on Judgment Day when all humanity gives "an account of every idle word," is to repent (turn from his sins) and put his faith in Jesus Christ. He will not do this if he doesn't see his danger. If he is deceived into thinking that God doesn't see his thought-life, or that God won't punish sin (meaning He has less sense of justice than humanity), then he will carry on in his sins. More than likely this will happen because he is ignorant of the fact that the Bible says the only way to enter Heaven is to have "clean hands and a pure heart." But if he is honest and listens to his conscience, he will see he has broken the Commandments, and when all the evidence comes out on Judgment Day, he will be found guilty and end up in Hell. He needs God's mercy. When Jesus died on the cross, He took the punishment for our sins, satisfying eternal justice and at the same time demonstrating God's incredible love for sinful humanity. The mom
ent the man repents and puts his faith in the Savior, God will forgive his sins and give him the gift of everlasting life. He then should read the Bible daily and obey what he reads, showing himself to be genuine in his faith. (He could also write to us for a free Gospel of John).

7. The name of the horse was "Tuesday."

==================================

Sonntag, 15. August 2010

Vol 929 - August 15, 2010 - If She's Drinking This - They are.......

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

3 NEW WEBSITE ENHANCEMENTS!

We have added three new features that you have been asking for.

1. GAMES UPGRADE - TOURNAMENTS - NEW FORMAT - WIN CASH & PRIZES

NEW "OLD" GAMES ADDED! CLASSICS - FROGGER - PAC-MAN - ASTEROIDS !!!!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/games.html

2. Auto Image Centering - no need to scroll down and center the image anymore!

Now it's easier than ever to share and store your favorite images and jokes!

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

==================================

Strange Quotes:

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck - Elvis Presley

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Anonymous

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late. - Rita Coolidge

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. - Bobby Kelton

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra…Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - If They're Drinking This - They are.......

A number of New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

==================================

Freitag, 13. August 2010

[b3ta] "B3ta Talks to Brian Blessed"

This Week:
* BRIAN BLESSED - WE TALK TO HIM!
* SHOUTING - OUR EARS ARE BLEEDING
* DID WE MENTION - BRIAN BLESSED?

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're talking to
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Brian Blessed on the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| phone... together"

B3ta email 441 - 13 Aug 2011

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue441/

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsub: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
Phill Jupitus's radio book thing

Oooh we haven't sold an ad, so doing the
traditional linky to last purchase on Amazon
thing. This time, it's stand-up comedian and
radio presenter Phill Jupitus's book on his
experiences at Radio 6 and the Breakfast Show -
essential reading for anyone interested in the
whole "close down Radio 6" debate of recent
times. Funniest bit? When Dale Winton rubs
Phill's stomach and says, "I do like a balcony
over the playroom."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0007313853/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, things and nonsense

>> Homer Vader <<
Quick and dirty Star Wars redub by Bela
Lugosi's Dad, with Homer Simpson as the
black-clad Imperial badass.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Homer_Simpson_is_Darth_Vader

>> Flash Theatre <<
"You know what people of London don't seem to
like?" queries joehmbunn. "Strange, hairy men
coming up to them with large, grubby macs and
exposing something. So, bored one day, we
thought we could fix this."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Flash_Theatre

>> Febreze Redubbed. <<
Haha, this is so awful! Joehmbunn's revoicing
of the Febreze ad is rude and creepy and it
really made us laugh. A work of art!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Febreze_Redubbed

-------------------------------------------------

BRIAN BLESSED INTERVIEW - Rich writes, "Just
wanted to say thanks for the big-ups on the
Blessed Sat Nav Campaign, you might have
noticed is all done and dusted. Just
wondering if thereâ€™s anything Blessed-related
you might like? I can certainly get a bit of
audio/video for B3ta?" Yep. Let's do this. A
B3ta interview with the Blessed - and here it
is: 22 minutes of your fearless leader Rob
chatting to Brian on the phone, and we've
learned the following:

* BRIAN WANTS A FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN TO SEND HIM
TO THE MOON - can you help him? "We are the
children of stardust, we need to get out there"

* BRIAN CAN TALK FOR ENGLAND - and is very keen
on Kenneth Branagh, THE MOON and mountains.

* BRIAN HAS TO SAY GORDON'S ALIVE 50 TIMES A
DAY - and he's not bored of it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/B3ta_Interviews_Brian_Blessed

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Beautiful Moments (Pt 2)

Last week we asked for more of your beautiful
moments - lovely things you've seen out and
about. Go read Lardyboy's tale of a 24-year
courtship and have a little cry:
http://b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments2/

Here's three shorties:

* "Eight years ago I got in line for a cashier
at the local Sainsbury's. In front of me was a
small blond-haired boy, filled with the joys of
a carefree life, a lifetime of discovery and
adventure ahead of him. On the slidey rubber
mat was his only selection: two fun-sized
packets of Haribo Starmix; in his hand was his
precious pocket money. He turned to look at me,
a jaded, tall, blond student with a fraction of
his student loan in his pocket. On the rubber
slidey mat was my only selection: two massive
packets of Haribo Starmix." (grey matter)

* "My six year-old little sister is sitting on
my knee in the car. I can hear her humming and
then do some sort of amateur beatbox drum
sound, and then whisper 'miaow, miaow' to
herself. I also noticed she was moving her
hands in an odd fashion. It took a moment to
click, but she was being keyboard cat." (Amberl)

* "In Basingstoke, we once saw a large and
perfectly vertical dog turd in the middle of
the pedestrianised area. Not even the slightest
lean; it was like a brown, fissured Saturn V
rocket waiting for blast-off." (rogerzilla)

>> This Week's Question <<
Ever had a little white lie build out of
control into a monster with a life all of its
own? C'mon, we've all done it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pantsonfire/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Monotone music <<
Elderly curmudgeons complain that using
computers has removed the tunes from popular
music. Here's a genuine attempt to do just
that, with mixed results.
http://snurl.com/doopdoopdoop

>> People with iPhones have more sex <<
Deep data analysis from some nerdy types who
run an online dating agency. They showed
profile pictures for people to rate for
attractiveness, then looked at which cameras
were used to take them. Turns out only uggos
use a Motorola cameraphone.
http://bit.ly/bUoNd8

>> Young me, now me. <<
Zefrank's ongoing photo project, where people
re-enact pictures taken when they were children.
http://www.zefrank.com/youngmenowme/

>> Illustrating a plane journey <<
Bored artist documents his 12-hour plane
trip with charming drawings and cabin fever.
http://snurl.com/planeyplane

>> Your beautiful eyes close-up <<
Some nice macro-photography, although some of
it almost has an opti-goatse quality to it.
http://snurl.com/eyesarepoo

>> 4chan captcha art <<
The MS Paint crowd tackle the nonsensical
phrases you have to type these days to show
you're not a T-800 or something.
http://captchart.tumblr.com/

>> Vintage Tokyo subway posters <<
Delightfully inventive informational posters
show you how to behave on Japanese public
transport. Not crossing your legs or forgetting
your brolly rather than, uh, firing lasers from
your eyes and raping passers-by with your
pseudopods.
http://snurl.com/subwaysyeahwoo

>> Pencil-tip sculptures <<
Absolutely exquisite works of art carved from
the tip of a pencil. Don't try this at home
kids, as it will make you blind and constipated.
http://snurl.com/penciltips

>> "Misused" quotation marks <<
Always a classic, check out the unintended
disturbing double-meanings of signs made by the
"ignorant".
http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Radio with "pictures"

>> Be-hatted keyboard mastery <<
Cheerful chappy goofs around on the keyboard,
with surprisingly impressive results. If you're
not familiar electronic composer Ronald
Jenkees, here's a good place to start.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/After_I_spat_my_tea_out

>> It's okay to be a loner <<
No, it really is. Watch this touching,
thoughtful vid about being alone and feel
reassured. In your lonely single room.
http://snurl.com/lonerslonely

>> The Justin Bieber Show <<
Loveable pop moppet Bieber hits your screen
again, in this cartoon sitcom. Featuring
Justin's amazing friends.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Justin_Bieber_Show

>> Kitty, come and meet the new puppy! <<
If cats could speak, this would cover every
conversation you'd have with one.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_come_and_meet_the_new_puppy

>> Dinner-time Dad tricks <<
Sneaky French father amusingly pranks his
unsuspecting daughter.
http://snurl.com/frenchyfun

>> You're Not From Newport <<
Newport-based rappers Goldie Lookin Chain horn
in on the youTube clickiness enjoyed by that
Newport State of Mind tune. Probably requires
very specific local knowledge to get the
fullest enjoyment.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Youre_Not_From_Newport

>> Cat-eating watermelon <<
Sorry, misplaced hyphen. This cat likes to eat
slices of melon. Good times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3cHNObcEh8

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Rectanus!

Noelbailey writes in with a linky to a facebook
account of someone with the surname Rectanus -
amusing enough but we felt pointing you lot to
it might be a bit like cyberbullying so we've
been googling away for people with the same
surname and found a book about protecting
workers' rights by Lori Rectanus. (Lorry
wrecked anus? That's what they all say.)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0756709024/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Pope Challenge

Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
arrival of the Pope on our shores by designing
appropriate merchandise

Your favourites included:

* BUSTING - Everybody sing... I ain't 'fraid of
no popes (Sub Rosa's Hubby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10149830

* DISASTER - b3ta meme revived to triumphant
Papal approval (Peter Davison)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10145293

* BREAKFAST - Kellogs launch saucy cereal to
celebrate visit (Clueless Egg Cunt)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10145613

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pope/

>> New challenge: Dragon's Den <<
Dragons Den is back on our boxes - only last
week some crank got 100K for attaching a pencil
sharpener to a golf pitch fork. This challenge
is to 'shop other shit inventions with which to
impress the Dragons.'
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dragonsden/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* LITTLE GIRL VS CYRIAK, our animating genius
chum writes, "Little girl watching one of my
videos, kind of cute, although it does look
like her brain is downloading a virus half way
through."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/little_girl_watching_one_of_my_videos

* BROKEN SNAIL ART LINKS - Hampster Squared
writes, "Seeing as it was newslettered, this is
indeed the glassiest of surprised German
forklifts. However, due to the attention my
site got, it had a nervous breakdown as it
couldn't cope with the volume of traffic. My
artwork, the painted snails and other slight
madnesses were very hard to get to. I'm pretty
sure this is fixed now - but if any of you feel
so inclined, would you have a quick stare at it
and let me know if the images are loading
properly/taking less than three years to
appear?" Fixed now - have another look.
http://www.tilla.co.uk/

* INTERVIEW WITH DENISE WILTON - oooh, you
lucky people, stick his on your iPod, lie
back and think of B3ta.
http://shiftrunstop.co.uk/2010/08/10/denise-wilton-trailer/

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* PAYPALROULETTE.COM - Each page load randomly
either credits or debits your paypal account.
("Credit goes to @codebeard who was grumping
this lunchtime about how much a friend was
making at sportingbet.com just serving flashing
.gifs and random colours", writes Mike Trinder.)

* SINISTER HAND SHANDY - Is anyone here
ambiwanktrous? Can you crack one out to
completion with either hand?

* RUBBER BAND TRAMPOLINE - Can you make a
trampoline for your pet hamster by stretching a
couple of hundred rubber bands over a biscuit
tin?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by prince-igor, Herb
Alpert's Taxi driver, Sn0tters, jambox,
pissflaps, sinisterduck, BourbonBiscuits2,
Hellzapoppin, Paster of Muppets, Proboscisface,
Cliff Richard's porn stash, via K-Lyd.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Order chips without salt to get the fresh
batch. (sverreco)