Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] "B3ta Talks to Brian Blessed"

This Week:
* BRIAN BLESSED - WE TALK TO HIM!
* SHOUTING - OUR EARS ARE BLEEDING
* DID WE MENTION - BRIAN BLESSED?

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're talking to
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Brian Blessed on the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| phone... together"

B3ta email 441 - 13 Aug 2011

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue441/

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: SPONSORED LINK
Phill Jupitus's radio book thing

Oooh we haven't sold an ad, so doing the
traditional linky to last purchase on Amazon
thing. This time, it's stand-up comedian and
radio presenter Phill Jupitus's book on his
experiences at Radio 6 and the Breakfast Show -
essential reading for anyone interested in the
whole "close down Radio 6" debate of recent
times. Funniest bit? When Dale Winton rubs
Phill's stomach and says, "I do like a balcony
over the playroom."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0007313853/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, things and nonsense

>> Homer Vader <<
Quick and dirty Star Wars redub by Bela
Lugosi's Dad, with Homer Simpson as the
black-clad Imperial badass.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Homer_Simpson_is_Darth_Vader

>> Flash Theatre <<
"You know what people of London don't seem to
like?" queries joehmbunn. "Strange, hairy men
coming up to them with large, grubby macs and
exposing something. So, bored one day, we
thought we could fix this."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Flash_Theatre

>> Febreze Redubbed. <<
Haha, this is so awful! Joehmbunn's revoicing
of the Febreze ad is rude and creepy and it
really made us laugh. A work of art!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Febreze_Redubbed

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BRIAN BLESSED INTERVIEW - Rich writes, "Just
wanted to say thanks for the big-ups on the
Blessed Sat Nav Campaign, you might have
noticed is all done and dusted. Just
wondering if thereâ€™s anything Blessed-related
you might like? I can certainly get a bit of
audio/video for B3ta?" Yep. Let's do this. A
B3ta interview with the Blessed - and here it
is: 22 minutes of your fearless leader Rob
chatting to Brian on the phone, and we've
learned the following:

* BRIAN WANTS A FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN TO SEND HIM
TO THE MOON - can you help him? "We are the
children of stardust, we need to get out there"

* BRIAN CAN TALK FOR ENGLAND - and is very keen
on Kenneth Branagh, THE MOON and mountains.

* BRIAN HAS TO SAY GORDON'S ALIVE 50 TIMES A
DAY - and he's not bored of it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/B3ta_Interviews_Brian_Blessed

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Beautiful Moments (Pt 2)

Last week we asked for more of your beautiful
moments - lovely things you've seen out and
about. Go read Lardyboy's tale of a 24-year
courtship and have a little cry:
http://b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments2/

Here's three shorties:

* "Eight years ago I got in line for a cashier
at the local Sainsbury's. In front of me was a
small blond-haired boy, filled with the joys of
a carefree life, a lifetime of discovery and
adventure ahead of him. On the slidey rubber
mat was his only selection: two fun-sized
packets of Haribo Starmix; in his hand was his
precious pocket money. He turned to look at me,
a jaded, tall, blond student with a fraction of
his student loan in his pocket. On the rubber
slidey mat was my only selection: two massive
packets of Haribo Starmix." (grey matter)

* "My six year-old little sister is sitting on
my knee in the car. I can hear her humming and
then do some sort of amateur beatbox drum
sound, and then whisper 'miaow, miaow' to
herself. I also noticed she was moving her
hands in an odd fashion. It took a moment to
click, but she was being keyboard cat." (Amberl)

* "In Basingstoke, we once saw a large and
perfectly vertical dog turd in the middle of
the pedestrianised area. Not even the slightest
lean; it was like a brown, fissured Saturn V
rocket waiting for blast-off." (rogerzilla)

>> This Week's Question <<
Ever had a little white lie build out of
control into a monster with a life all of its
own? C'mon, we've all done it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pantsonfire/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Monotone music <<
Elderly curmudgeons complain that using
computers has removed the tunes from popular
music. Here's a genuine attempt to do just
that, with mixed results.
http://snurl.com/doopdoopdoop

>> People with iPhones have more sex <<
Deep data analysis from some nerdy types who
run an online dating agency. They showed
profile pictures for people to rate for
attractiveness, then looked at which cameras
were used to take them. Turns out only uggos
use a Motorola cameraphone.
http://bit.ly/bUoNd8

>> Young me, now me. <<
Zefrank's ongoing photo project, where people
re-enact pictures taken when they were children.
http://www.zefrank.com/youngmenowme/

>> Illustrating a plane journey <<
Bored artist documents his 12-hour plane
trip with charming drawings and cabin fever.
http://snurl.com/planeyplane

>> Your beautiful eyes close-up <<
Some nice macro-photography, although some of
it almost has an opti-goatse quality to it.
http://snurl.com/eyesarepoo

>> 4chan captcha art <<
The MS Paint crowd tackle the nonsensical
phrases you have to type these days to show
you're not a T-800 or something.
http://captchart.tumblr.com/

>> Vintage Tokyo subway posters <<
Delightfully inventive informational posters
show you how to behave on Japanese public
transport. Not crossing your legs or forgetting
your brolly rather than, uh, firing lasers from
your eyes and raping passers-by with your
pseudopods.
http://snurl.com/subwaysyeahwoo

>> Pencil-tip sculptures <<
Absolutely exquisite works of art carved from
the tip of a pencil. Don't try this at home
kids, as it will make you blind and constipated.
http://snurl.com/penciltips

>> "Misused" quotation marks <<
Always a classic, check out the unintended
disturbing double-meanings of signs made by the
"ignorant".
http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Radio with "pictures"

>> Be-hatted keyboard mastery <<
Cheerful chappy goofs around on the keyboard,
with surprisingly impressive results. If you're
not familiar electronic composer Ronald
Jenkees, here's a good place to start.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/After_I_spat_my_tea_out

>> It's okay to be a loner <<
No, it really is. Watch this touching,
thoughtful vid about being alone and feel
reassured. In your lonely single room.
http://snurl.com/lonerslonely

>> The Justin Bieber Show <<
Loveable pop moppet Bieber hits your screen
again, in this cartoon sitcom. Featuring
Justin's amazing friends.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Justin_Bieber_Show

>> Kitty, come and meet the new puppy! <<
If cats could speak, this would cover every
conversation you'd have with one.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_come_and_meet_the_new_puppy

>> Dinner-time Dad tricks <<
Sneaky French father amusingly pranks his
unsuspecting daughter.
http://snurl.com/frenchyfun

>> You're Not From Newport <<
Newport-based rappers Goldie Lookin Chain horn
in on the youTube clickiness enjoyed by that
Newport State of Mind tune. Probably requires
very specific local knowledge to get the
fullest enjoyment.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Youre_Not_From_Newport

>> Cat-eating watermelon <<
Sorry, misplaced hyphen. This cat likes to eat
slices of melon. Good times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3cHNObcEh8

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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Rectanus!

Noelbailey writes in with a linky to a facebook
account of someone with the surname Rectanus -
amusing enough but we felt pointing you lot to
it might be a bit like cyberbullying so we've
been googling away for people with the same
surname and found a book about protecting
workers' rights by Lori Rectanus. (Lorry
wrecked anus? That's what they all say.)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0756709024/b3ta-21

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Pope Challenge

Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
arrival of the Pope on our shores by designing
appropriate merchandise

Your favourites included:

* BUSTING - Everybody sing... I ain't 'fraid of
no popes (Sub Rosa's Hubby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10149830

* DISASTER - b3ta meme revived to triumphant
Papal approval (Peter Davison)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10145293

* BREAKFAST - Kellogs launch saucy cereal to
celebrate visit (Clueless Egg Cunt)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10145613

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pope/

>> New challenge: Dragon's Den <<
Dragons Den is back on our boxes - only last
week some crank got 100K for attaching a pencil
sharpener to a golf pitch fork. This challenge
is to 'shop other shit inventions with which to
impress the Dragons.'
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dragonsden/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* LITTLE GIRL VS CYRIAK, our animating genius
chum writes, "Little girl watching one of my
videos, kind of cute, although it does look
like her brain is downloading a virus half way
through."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/little_girl_watching_one_of_my_videos

* BROKEN SNAIL ART LINKS - Hampster Squared
writes, "Seeing as it was newslettered, this is
indeed the glassiest of surprised German
forklifts. However, due to the attention my
site got, it had a nervous breakdown as it
couldn't cope with the volume of traffic. My
artwork, the painted snails and other slight
madnesses were very hard to get to. I'm pretty
sure this is fixed now - but if any of you feel
so inclined, would you have a quick stare at it
and let me know if the images are loading
properly/taking less than three years to
appear?" Fixed now - have another look.
http://www.tilla.co.uk/

* INTERVIEW WITH DENISE WILTON - oooh, you
lucky people, stick his on your iPod, lie
back and think of B3ta.
http://shiftrunstop.co.uk/2010/08/10/denise-wilton-trailer/

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* PAYPALROULETTE.COM - Each page load randomly
either credits or debits your paypal account.
("Credit goes to @codebeard who was grumping
this lunchtime about how much a friend was
making at sportingbet.com just serving flashing
.gifs and random colours", writes Mike Trinder.)

* SINISTER HAND SHANDY - Is anyone here
ambiwanktrous? Can you crack one out to
completion with either hand?

* RUBBER BAND TRAMPOLINE - Can you make a
trampoline for your pet hamster by stretching a
couple of hundred rubber bands over a biscuit
tin?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by prince-igor, Herb
Alpert's Taxi driver, Sn0tters, jambox,
pissflaps, sinisterduck, BourbonBiscuits2,
Hellzapoppin, Paster of Muppets, Proboscisface,
Cliff Richard's porn stash, via K-Lyd.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

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TOP TIP:
Order chips without salt to get the fresh
batch. (sverreco)