This Week:
* OWLS - with hangovers
* COWELL - with a smile
* TWAT - with a gun
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're writing the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | newsletter from free
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cafe wifi... together"
B3ta email 443- 27 Aug 2010
Read this issue on your web enabled penis:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue443/
Sexy people: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Scum: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
Greetings cards that take no prisoners
B3tans! If you ever manage to cure your crushing
social anxiety and managed to bag a partner the
next problem is - what card do you buy them for
their birthday? What about "Happy Birthday from
the Gay Mafia", or maybe you're into cross
stitching and want an embroidered "lovely girl"
or even a Mad Men inspired "Happy Birthday
Cocksucker". Get spending because there's
something to delight (or offend) anyone here.
http://bit.ly/dmcards
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cowell, Things and Fictional Companies
>> Good old Simon Cowell <<
"Here's something I did for the BBC Comedy
people," beams Cyriak. Unsettling adventures of
a beaming Simon Cowell.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Simon_Cowell
>> Things <<
Baldmonkey has been to the seaside. Here's his
exuberant scat-singing celebration of the
existence of objects. Kind of mesmerising.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Things
>> 8-Bit Pwny Club 4 <<
Jonti and chums discuss the worst companies to
work for - if you live in a computer game.
http://weebls-stuff.com/toons/8+Bit+Pwny+Club+ep.4/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Narrow Escapes
Last week we asked how you'd dodged the Grim
Reaper and lived to tell us the tale. Some of
these will raise goose-bumps:
http://b3ta.com/questions/escapes/
* Pub, Shepherds Bush, early Saturday afternoon.
My girlfriend and I were having a quick pint
before heading into town for a spot of shopping.
There were a number of QPR supporters, all in
good spirits, the atmosphere was jovial and
upbeat. We'd nearly done when two men ran in
to a group in the far corner. 'Leeds are here!'
They jumped up and started making calls. Peering
out of the window behind me, I saw about 30-40
grown men swaggering towards us, 'LEEDS! LEEDS!
LEEDS! LEEDS!' We decided to sit tight and stay
out of it. The two crowds met and started beating
seven shades of shit out of one another. We
tried to stay calm, but this was incredibly hard
with windows being smashed around us. I saw my
girlfriend's eyes widen; over my shoulder she'd
seen coming towards the pub a 20 stone Leeds
hooligan, arms raised holding a manhole cover.
He was laughing as he got closer, loving what
he was doing. He kept motioning as if to throw
it as he got closer. Now right up against the
window, gurning with delight, he raised the
manhole above his head once more and took a
step backwards. 'Get under the table,' I ordered
my girlfriend. I sat transfixed as the beast
moved another step back manhole held high. He
took one more step and then just collapsed! His
leg had gone straight down the uncovered drain.
20 stone of twat hurtled towards the floor,
smashing his ballbag into the edge of the hole.
The cover crashed to the floor, narrowly missing
his head. I slipped down from my seat and under
the table, pissing myself with laughter."
(Monkey the Chicken)
* About six or seven, on one of those fancy
sleeper train things hurtling across the south
of France, up to my armpits in X-men comics and
warm Coca-Cola. My family had all hit the hay
when too much warm coke found me blearily
making my way to the loo. After relieving myself,
I got caught in one of those weird intersection
like parts of train, the joining bits between
the carriages. One was locked and had a blacked
out window. The other was similarly blacked out,
but when I tried the door... WHOOOOOOSH!!! There
was the French countryside in all its 100mph
glory. I was clinging onto the door for dear life,
feeling my grip slip away, knowing that my brief
life was coming to an end. Then my mum grabbed
me by the scruff of the neck and pulled me back
inside. My father went completely ballistic at
the train guards. 'LE FUCKING DOOR-PORT, WHAT
LE FUCK?!' French was never his strong suit."
(spiderslut)
* "My grandad was one of the unfortunates who was
rescued at Dunkirk. He was in the midst of
clambering onto a fishing boat when he felt a
blinding pain, and realised he had been shot four
times... with one bullet. It entered his right
buttock at such an angle that it exited near the
bunghole, re-entered his left buttock and exited
the other side. Luckily, he never proudly showed
his scars.
(bobman500)
>> This Week's Question <<
We've opened the B3ta confessional in honour of
the Pope's impending visit to the UK. Got anything
you need to get off your chest?
http://b3ta.com/questions/confess/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Hung-over owls <<
Generally speaking we hate birds, but then the
only birds we see are horrid London pigeons,
with dirty feathers, pecking at fag-ends in the
gutter. Owls are a different matter, but they
should never, ever be mocked like this.
Disgraceful.
http://hungoverowls.tumblr.com/
>> Disturbing cartoon <<
If we could travel in time we'd make an alarm
clock snooze button that would let us stay in
bed 5 minutes longer and keep pressing it so
we'd probably end up getting up for school aged
70. Oops. Others have different ideas:
http://i.imgur.com/94ePv.jpg
>> Crabs smoking cigarettes <<
More animal abuse masquerading as internet
lols. Still, we laughed, then felt guilty and
then celebrated our moral indecision with a
crab sandwich.
http://snurl.com/crabsmoke
>> You'll never look at a duck the same way <<
Go on, look closely - their beaks look exactly
like a dog mask. (Actually we tried this with a
real duck in a duck pond the other day and they
move too quickly to get a fix on, so this
illusion only works well with photos.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Do_they_Whack_or_Quoof
>> Website poster <<
Cool idea for a poster here. Take the favicon
of sites (those 16 pixel wide icons that appear
in the address bar of the browser) and blow
them up to the relative traffic of the site.
We'd def consider getting one, but there isn't
a clear bit of wall space in B3ta HQ since our
last dirty protest.
http://nmap.org/favicon/?q=b3ta.com
>> Facebook through history <<
If historical events had facebook statuses.
Simple format for gags we've seen before but
it's easy win this stuff, isn't it?
http://snurl.com/fbinhistory
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like big TV from wrong end of telescope
>> David McCandless on data visualisation at TED. <<
We remember Mr McCandless from before his recent
rise to fame with the InformationIsBeautiful
column - he once sent us a book to feature
(Internet: The Book!) and then, to say
thank-you, he sent us presents in the post which
kept us awake for nearly 36 hours - if only
everybody who wanted a PR puff was so thoughtful.
http://snurl.com/mccandlessted
>> New Simon's Cat! <<
What worried us about Simon's Cat is that they
only live, say, 15 years or so, and now Simon's
cat is so famous poor Simon will probably spend
most of his life drawing a dead cat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Simons_cat
>> WHAT A TWAT! <<
Bloke thinks he is a hard man and makes a vid
then puts it on the internet for loads of
people to lol at. Actually, time to 'fess up.
It's the snake that does it for us.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/WHAT_A_TWAT
>> Ringtone drummer <<
Here's a lesson in what difference a bit of
good drumming can make to a dull track. Frankly
we want to get this guy to improve all our
crappo demos.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ringtone_drummer
>> How to catch a seagull in 6 easy steps <<
More animal abuse! The Royal Society for the
Prevention of Birds will have something to say
about this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_catch_a_seagull_in_6_easy_steps
>> Demented Soca video <<
"Soca or soul calypso is a form of Popular West
Indian music originated in the islands of
Trinidad and Tobago" - thanks Wikipedia. This
is how Ricky Gervais should have made the
finale to The Office.
http://bit.ly/d6pMTC
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not a funny name but...
Collapsibletank writes in with this glorious
paedo logo. It's a theme we've seen before, but
such a fine example we thought we'd share:
http://www.sp2.upenn.edu/fieldctr/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Inventing Words Challenge
Last week we wanted you to invent a
new word by changing one letter of a
word that already exists
Your favourites included:
* HIPPONOTAMUS - anything that doesn't
resemble a hippo (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10159246
* MYSTERECTOMY - taking all the suspense
out of a movie by revealing spoilers
to someone who hasn't seen it
(dirtyscarab)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10157873
* FOREPLOY - the practice of obtaining
sex by deception (Afinkawan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10158614
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/words/
>> New challenge: Making Things Worse <<
Find a normal photo of normal people
doing normal things, then add in the
worst thing that could possibly happen,
introducing unexpected and unlikely
danger to the situation. Challenge
suggested by mike waz ere.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gettingworse/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPONSOR A B3TAN - MrGomez writes, "I've been
a B3tard for 7 years, so I thought I could ask
a favour off you lovely people. B3tards aren't
well-known for our physical skillz. So I'm
probably the worst person to decide to do an
ultra-marathon. But me and my mate Colin are
doing 5 and a half marathons in 6 days to raise
money for Age UK. Feel free to flame the crap
out of me. OR you can sponsor us here."
http://www.justgiving.com/takethelongroad
http://www.takethelongroad.co.uk/
* PINK FLOYD SPED UP - Canazza writes, "Since
everyone seems to love those slowed-down songs,
I thought I'd speed up a slow one. Here's Shine
On You Crazy Diamond at 300%. When they start
to sing it's something rather special." Heh -
speeding it up has revealed the hidden sea
shanty within. Altogether now!
http://snurl.com/shinefaster
* MISSING PERSON - Esme Weatherwax is hoping
B3ta could work a bit like a milk bottle in the
80s and writes, "My cousin has been missing for
a week now. Can you repost it if you're in
Canada or know anyone who's there? Thank you
very much."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_cousin_has_been_missing_for_a_week_now
* YES, JOEL CAN BE A SHIT - TimChuma writes,
"That 60-minute enlightenment thing. Goddamn
it! I watched all 60 minutes of it. Then '??.??
minutes until enlightenment. TIMER ERROR PLEASE
WAIT."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WORLD'S BIGGEST FUNSNAP - Can you empty about
a 1000 of the fuckers into some thin tissue and
drop it off a bridge?
* FAIREST PLACE FOR LUNCH - McClairey asks, "Is
there anything out there that will tell me what
the easiest destination is for two people in
different bits of London to get to (via Tube,
bus or shoe)? Example being, I work in Camden,
and my missus works in Clerkenwell. I would
like to meet up for lunch in Angel, but I am
not sure that this is the quickest place for
both of us to get to. So it'd be a bit like TFL
Journey Planner but more for mid-points than
end-points. Please help, clever b3tans."
* FREE GLOBAL WIRELESS FOR EVERYONE - it's a
right painus in the anus trying to write this
newsletter from a cafe in Cromer.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by sinisterduck, Funt,
mrmonkfish, SockCooker, panik,
LemonEntryMyDearWatson, prince-igor, King of
Beers, pissflaps, The_Fiend, PokeHQ, and
alexispetridis.
Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Woken up feeling a bit miserable? Cheer
yourself up and make the day seem like a
special occasion by cutting your toast into
triangles.
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