This Week:
* EXPERIMENTS - Human vs Rat!
* ENLIGHTENMENT - By looking at, err, you'll see
* READ IT - English as She is Spoke
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Taking photos of our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | cocks and then deleting
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| them... together"
B3ta email 442 - 20 Aug 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue442/
Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: "SPONSORED" LINK
Piss sticks, we're linking Amazon again
Why is the Klaxons album art work like some
shit old b3ta photoshop from about 2003?
http://snurl.com/klaxonsb3ta
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We actually had an ad this week then it was
moved to next week, ho hum. Talk to us. We will
help you.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making love to their hands
>> Human vs Rat <<
"Rats are good at solving mazes," points out
Tom Scott. "So are humans. But which is
better?" There's only one way to find out:
http://tomscott.com/maze/
>> Enlightenment <<
Truly incredible tool enables you to harness
the entirety of universal wisdom, from Joel and
the boys.
http://www.rathergood.com/enlightenment
>> 8-bit YouTube <<
Faceburger imagines a world where YouTubes were
invented in 1985.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8_bit_youtube
>> I'm On A Boat (Chiptune Cover + Female Vocals) <<
"Here's us on a boat in Florida Keys doing a
music video to our Lonely Island cover,"
squeals superpowerless. We're not sure if
superpowerless is the lady with the breasts,
the gentleman with the beard, or the dog with
the hat. But clearly this vid has something for
every taste.
http://snurl.com/chippyyeah
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>> Sad news from Joel <<
"Hi dudes," writes Joel Veitch. "Our kitten
Monster Truck has been murdered by a psycho
dog. Poor little sod. He was a lovely little
cat. It happened on Sunday but it's made me too
sad to write about it till now. Guess I'm
getting soft as I get older. I've popped the
story up here:
http://www.rathergood.com/monster_truck
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lies that got out of control
Last week saw panic and confusion within the
B3ta community as we asked you to tell the truth
about lying. All the stories you see here are
100 per cent accurate. We think.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pantsonfire/
* DEAD GIRL – When I was six, my parents used
to ask me what I'd done at school that day.
Invariably, I would tell them a small white
lie. One day, I told them "a little girl got
knocked over by a car outside school and died",
which was a complete fabrication. Cue panicked
phone calls, and when my dad dropped me off
the next morning there was a huge crowd of
parents and journalists outside, some with
flowers, while the head was being accused of
staging some sort of cover-up. Nobody worked
out the source of the rumour, but I vividly
remember the lengthy shouting-at I got from
both parents when I got home. (sanityclause)
* SKINHEAD - I was 14, and decided it would
be a good idea if I shaved my head. I asked my
mum if I could have a Grade 1 but she refused
because she thought I'd look like a thug. So
I did it anyway, and dumped the cuttings in
the bin. Worried about at what mum would say,
I tied a sweatshirt around my head. "We were
playing football and I wanted to be Ruud
Gullit, and this looks like I have dreads,"
I lied. Come Monday morning, I was still
wearing the jumper, but she pulled it off to
reveal my shaven head. "It just fell out over
the weekend," I lied again, and she booked me
an appointment with the doctor straight away
as I "might have a serious illness". It was
only as we pulled up outside the surgery that
I fessed up, and felt terrible about it. Years
Later, I found out she'd known all along
because she'd seen the hair cuttings in the
bin. She just wanted how long I'd keep wearing
a jumper on my head. (Monkey the Chicken)
* SPACEMAN - I've always been a massive liar,
so when my Year 1 teacher asked me what my
Dad's job was during class, I chose not to
answer with "Youth Worker", which even at the
age of six struck me as pant-wettingly dull.
Instead I opted for "Astronaut". Amazingly,
I seemed to get away with it, and everyone
was suitably awe-struck. Sadly, this also
included the teacher, who asked if my
astro-dad would be able to come and give a
talk to the class about his amazing life.
I looked at her witheringly, and replied
"Of course he can't. He's in space." (kirst0s)
>> This Week's Question <<
We're knocking together our own version of
Final Destination (only without all the blood
and stuff), so we're asking you to tell us of
your lucky escapes:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/escapes/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Justin Bieber 800% slower <<
The adorable pop moppet's U Smile is vastly
improved by slowing him down 800%. Lovely,
ambient sound, like a child-sized whale.
http://soundcloud.com/shamantis/j-biebz-u-smile-800-slower
ALSO: lifehacker shows how to make your own
slowed-down classics. We particularly liked
the Rick Astley video in the comments.
http://snurl.com/wifehacker
>> "English as She is Spoke" <<
Fantastically incompetent 19th-century
Portuguese-English phrasebook. Neither of the
authors could speak English is the problem.
Still, A for effort. Download the PDF here:
http://www.exclassics.com/espoke/espkpdf.pdf
>> Useful installer website <<
Great site, if you need to set up a
freshly-installed PC. Just select the apps you
want from the list and it generates an
auto-installer. No dialogue boxes, no options,
just the standard installs without aggro.
http://www.ninite.com/
>> Unicorn being a jerk <<
Further adventures of the mythical beast who
inspired the term "dickhead".
http://snurl.com/unijerk
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a big video thing at a gig but smaller
>> Fuck me Ray Bradbury <<
Your guide to making a hit internet video. 1.
Write a song about a geeky hero. 2. Get it sung
by a lady who's not averse to showing a little
flesh. 3. Keep doing it until a TV or film
company gives you lots of cash. (Our version
would be Lily Cole sings Matthew Smith, The
Musical.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fuck_me_Ray_Bradbury
>> Smells Like Teen Spirit vs Rockin' Robin <<
One of those shitty mashup things - but better
than most as A. it all fits together rather
well and B. The chirpiness of the backing track
contrasts will Kurt's doomy singing to create
lols.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNUTYHJrutw
>> This makes no sense <<
Just sit back and let it wash over you. Like
Salvador Dali wanking on your cheeks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/My_Grandma_Rides_a_Skateboard
>> Wonders of the Stoner System <<
"M'colleague DJ Rubbish made this cut-up of
Brian Cox," writes Cassetteboy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wonders_of_the_Stoner_System
>> Utterly awful cover of Sweet Child O' Mine <<
"Wait 'til the drums 'kick in'," writes
Jamie_W, "I did a massive lol." You'll last
less than a minute, but it's a glorious minute.
We can't decide if they're being shit on
purpose - funny either way, mind you.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Utterly_awful_cover_of_Sweet_Child_O_Mine
>> Salvador Dali on "What's My Line?" <<
Not a sketch. This really happened and it's
10 minutes of the most entertaining television
we've ever watched. Thanks internet for giving
us this treat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXT2E9Ccc8A
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Dragon's Den Challenge
Last week we wanted you to invent inventions
Your favourites included:
* OUT - A machine that identifies one's sexual
leanings doesn't go down well with all the
Dragons (bennyhillslovechild)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10152825
* DARTH - Lord Vader receives funding for an
unusual venture (CatDog)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10152270
* CARPET - inoffensive religious joke ahoy
(hedonist)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10154753
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dragonsden/
>> New challenge: Invent a Word <<
This week's challenge is to invent a new word
by changing one letter of a word that already
exists, then illustrate the result. Confused?
Think "Ambiduxtrous" - the ability to hold a
duck in either hand. Challenge suggested by The
Coast of Yemen
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/words/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TA BOARD MAKES AN ALBUM, Dave! writes,
"ALBUMHOLE! Featuring (in no particular order)
Dave!, The Slapdash Rapper, Kids in mono,
Cyriak, Count Vanderhoff, Burning bright,
Thomas the search engine, mr.dogshit, c_kick,
K-lyd, TheColonel and Broken Science."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/513333
* SPONGMONKEYS GAME - Joel Veitch writes, "We
Like The Moon is now available on Rock
Band! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've got We Like
The Moon live on the Rock Band network! YEAH!"
http://www.rockband.com/songs/UGC_5002205
* FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN TO SEND BRIAN BLESSED TO
THE MOON - as requested by Brian himself in
last week's newsletter. Thanks to Emma Haxton
for starting this.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=146719395347443&ref=ts
* INSPIRATIONAL EMAILS - splorp writes, "Just
thought I would drop you a quick email to thank
you for B3ta's ongoing inspiration to do web
stuff. You featured my very silly site
www.tiddles.co.uk in newsletter 145 (I think,
or was it 125?) and the resulting massive
response I got from around the world was
enormous fun and showed me what larks could be
had setting up an online community. Fast
forward a few years and I was diagnosed with
Type One diabetes and so having learnt from my
tiddles.co.uk experience, I set up a somewhat
irreverent and slightly humorous diabetes
community at shootuporputup.co.uk, which
readers tell me has helped in a small way to
change people's lives for the better. Which is
nice. Then having seen you guys doing
interviews with famous people, I thought I
could have a crack at that and so contacted a
bunch of famous diabetics. As a result I'm now
collecting questions from my readers to ask
diabetic uber-sportsman-God Sir Steve Redgrave,
who agreed to do an interview. This is pretty
cool. So there we have it - just thought I'd
let you know that B3ta, oddly enough, has been
a genuine inspiration."
http://www.shootuporputup.co.uk/
* ARE YOU AMBIWANKSTROUS? skidrowpete replies,
"Yes I am ambiwankstrous. Why? Because Jasper
Carrott once said it feels like someone else if
you use your left hand, so I tried it. It was
odd at first but now I am a pro." Whereas
Lurker wishes he was so lucky as, "it feels
so much bigger in the wrong hand."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* API FUN - use the Radio 1 API data to create
isChrisMoylesOnRadio1.com, a valuable warning
service for people considering tuning in. (Matt
Round)
* IPHONE MOCKERY - See if signal bars drop when
the cat puts its paw on the antenna join; if
so, blog post "iPhone 4 Not For Cats" = traffic
win (Again, Matt Round. Hi Matt!)
* TONY BLAIR HATRED - ian.n.paterson asks, "You
probably haven't heard but that arsehole Tony
Blair is releasing his book this week. To
appease his conscience, he is donating all
proceeds from the book to the British Legion.
As much as I hate the warmongering little twat
and want to start things like Facebook groups
to boycott Waterstones for hosting the launch
and not buying the rancid little turd's tome I
had a much better idea. Let's all buy the book
as a sign of wanting the proceeds to go to such
a worthy charity. Then let's organise bonfires
around the country to burn the books as a mass
sign of how much we hate him. A few Tony guys
on the top of the pyre would also be very
satisfying." Wait, wait; Now we hate Tony & Guy?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Gingey, Dave
Gormano, Dave! the_spoon, FixedNoseFace!
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Ever come down in the morning, cooked up some
porridge and found that you've run out of salt?
Knock one out into your porridge and stir in
thoroughly for a low-sodium alternative.
(currantbun)
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