Vol 994 - Mar. 30, 2011 - 10 Hilarious Cover Letter Blunders

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange Quotes About 'Attitude'

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd. - Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964), Taken Care Of ,1965

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. - James Branch Cabell (1879 - 1958), The Silver Stallion, 1926

The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. - Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)

Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than people with vastly superior talent. - Sophia Loren (1934 - )

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - 10 Hilarious Cover Letter Blunders

These are actual examples of job search stupidity provided by a friend of ours who's a professional recruiter. Some of the specifics have been changed to protect the inept, but they're proof positive that the economy isn't solely to blame for today's horrendous employment statistics.

"If I could use one word to describe myself, it would be Team Player."

"My resume speaks for itself so I will not burden you with words."

"I have organized and conducted community service and missionary positions."

"I work an additional 10-15 minutes per week to perform administrative responsibilities promptly and accurately."

"I am interested in the Financial Analyst position. I currently work at Rusty's Camper Emporium as the parking attendant."

"I have attended Champions School of Real Estate, because I am a champion."

"I can think and act simultaneously under intense pressure."

"I am known and respected in New York City and surrounding area."

"Although my grades are not the highest, I possess the ability to grasp difficult concepts rather quickly most of the time."

"I am looking forward to further discussing my qualifications and how I can be an asset to your company. Please contact me at bigassbooty@ifailmail.com anytime."

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Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

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STRANGE OLDE JAPANESE CONCEPT CARS - 1973 TOYOTA RV-1 - TOWING SMALL CAMPER - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/173325.html

STRANGE MILITARY EQUIPMENT - STRANGE NATO AWACS PAINT JOB - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/173671.html

BIG BUD - THE WORLDS BIGGEST FARM TRACTOR - TREMENDOUS PULLING POWER! - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/173979.html

BIG BUD - THE WORLDS BIGGEST FARM TRACTOR - COMPARED TO REGULAR TRACTO - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/173984.html

JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE - 3-11-11 SENDAI 9.0 - TSUNAMI DAMAGE - ENGULFING SENDAI AIRPORT - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173869.html

STRANGE LOBSTER MONSTER TRUCK - CRUSHSTATION - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/173129.html

STRANGE CHINESE PARABLE - TWO PEBBLES - PPS PRESENTATION - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/173652.html

STRANGE DANGERS - BROWN BEAR CHASES OFF WOLF! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/173769.html

STRANGE OLDE CAMPING TRAILERS AND GEAR - STRANGE ENGLISH DORMOBILE POPUP VAN - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/173784.html

STRANGE SANITATION AND SEPTIC TANK CLEANING TRUCKS - CLEVER MOTTOS! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/174035.html

LIZ TAYLOR - BEAUTIFUL - SEXY WHITE BATHING SUIT - DEAD AT 79 - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/174092.html

STRANGE FARM ANIMALS - AFRICAL CATTLE - HUGE HORNS - HUGE! - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/174264.html

AL CAPONE'S CHICAGO - LAKE MICHIGAN BOAT - FLYING CLOUD - 1928 - REAR VIEW - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/174174.html

STRANGE COMMEMORATIVE STAMPS FROM AROUND THE WORLD - TADJIKISTAN - MARILYN MONROE - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/174179.html

NEW JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE/TSUNAMI PICKS JUST IN - BRIDGE - 3 SHOTS - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/174295.html

3-D COOL CATS - http://www.strangefunvideos.com/content/item/174225.html

OLDE PHOTOS - SUNKEN SAILING SHIP - MAST AND SAILS STICKING UP - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/172974.html

NASCAR'S JEFF GORDAN - HOT WIFE INGRID - FORMER MODEL & ACTRESS - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/174121.html

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The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - FOREIGN CARS - ITALIAN - GERMAN - FRENCH - EUROPEAN

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100662_1.html

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The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Thief Steals Computer, Stabs Marine, Trips and Falls - Slightly Injured - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/174095.html

Top 10 Actress Who Didn't Win the Oscar - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/174097.html

Tips For Northerners Moving South - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/24123.html

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/23998.html

You might be Po'White Trash if.. - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/21303.html

Southern Expressions you Need to Know - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/23344.html

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The Featured New Category This Week - SV - FOREIGN CARS - ITALIAN - GERMAN - FRENCH - EUROPEAN

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/117_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

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Vol 993 - Mar. 27, 2011 - They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Finally, a Real Defintion of "Political Correctness"

Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this.
Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was:

"Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

(This guy has nailed it.)

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back .... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Latte's and I walked out the door.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce!

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Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE SLEEPING PUPPY LINEUP - EIGHT IN A ROW! - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/174059.html

STRANGE AERIAL SHOT - WHALE WATCHERS BOAT SAME SIZE AS THE WHALE! HUGE! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/174067.html

MEN IN QUESTIONABLE PHYSICAL SHAPE - SIX PACK ABS - TATTOOED! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/174071.html

STRANGE US DOLLAR BILLS FROM THE PAST - $5.00 SILVER CERTIFICATE - ABRAHAM LINCOLN - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/173045.html

STRANGE GOLF COURSES - MONKEY IN THE SAND TRAP! - http://www.strangegolf.com/content/item/174076.html

STRANGE MILITARY CARGO PLANES - THE ORIGINAL GUPPY - AERO SPACELINER - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/173988.html

BLONDE SPORTS ANNOUNCER GETS BEANED BY A SOCCER BALL - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/174078.html

OLDE MUSIC STARS - BO DIDDLEY AND GROUP ON A SCOOTER WITH A SQUARE GUITAR - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/173641.html

STRANGE SPORTS - GYMNASTICS - FLOOR EXERCISE - RIBBONS - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/173749.html

JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE - 3-11-11 SENDAI 9.0 - TSUNAMI DAMAGE - ENGULFING FARM FIELDS - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/173867.html

THAILAND TRANSVESTITES - WHICH ONES ARE THE BOYS ? GIRLS? - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/174079.html

HONG KONG - PPS PRESENTATION - http://www.strangefunvideos.com/content/item/173653.html

STRANGE CONCEPT CARS - 1964 CADILLAC CYCLONE XP-74 - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173257.html

STRANGE OLDE CAMPING TRAILERS AND GEAR - 60'S CHEVY CORVAIR WITH MINI POPUP TRAILER - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/173783.html

LINDSEY LOHAN - STEALING THE COURTROOM ITEMS - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/173945.html

JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE BEFORE/AFTER PIXS - STRANGE ARCH REMAINS ERECT - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/173948.html

STRANGE GUNS BACK TATTOO - SEXY BLACK BIKINI - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/174027.html

OLDE PHOTOS - HORSE DRAWN GYPSY WAGONS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/172975.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - BRIDGES - BUILDINGS - GAS STATIONS - JUNK YARDS - DEALERSHIPS - PARKING LOTS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100726_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Strange Engineering Conversion Factors - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/174087.html

Thing's I Didn't Learn In Hebrew School - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/174088.html

15 Strange New Uses For VODKA! - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/126809.html

Top 15 Strangest Coincidences - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/126470.html

Strange Facts About the Earth - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/126412.html

How to Say 'I Love You' in 25 Languages - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/content/item/126178.html

Today's Government Jobs - Canadian Example - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/170748.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SV - BRIDGES - BUILDINGS - GAS STATIONS - JUNK YARDS - DEALERSHIPS - PARKING LOTS

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/114_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

[b3ta] "Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stiffy"

 

This Week:
* KUNT - Royal Wedding No 1 bid
* WEEBL - Doing more badger shit. Really.
* US! - On Her Majesty's BBC Radio 4

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're enslaving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"

B3ta I'll have an email please bob 472 -25 3 2011

Wear this newsletter as a cyber-hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue472/

Cheese: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Riots: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: A SPONSORED LINKY DON'T YOU THINKY
70% luxury travel. Go on, you deserve a holiday

"New York, Cuba, Venice, Mexico, Dubai...
Catch some sunshine, and save up to 70% on
these luxury holidays. BragItUp.com."
http://tinyurl.com/5uqsl5y

>> Sponsor B3ta, go on! <<
Tattoo your logo on our face and we'll walk down
Oxford Street smiling like a cretin:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
other than makin' whoopee cushions

>> Badger Dubstep<<
"Guess I Got My Badger Back," sings Jonti. In a
scary, dubstep stylee. "Everything should go
dubstep."
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Guess+I+got+My+Badger+Back/

>> I Spot Internet Hoaxes <<
What's the stupidest bullshit you've been told
by someone on the internet? E4 asked your
newsletter team investigate and tell you why
everything is WRONG, in our top 30 internet
hoaxes - featuring kitten abuse, bogus deaths
and imaginary games characters.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/internet-hoax/index.html

>> Contribute to the world's biggest to-do list <<
"Procrastinators unite!" cries radical k. "Ever
wanted to know what people all over the world
really should be doing while they are visiting
sites like this? Now is your chance!" A stirring
speech and an interesting idea:
http://www.kevinstrater.com/to-do/

>> Peter's Dolphin <<
"Hi dude," spurts Joel Veitch, skipping
backwards across the azure waves on his graceful
flippers. "Little Peter Sutcliffe is the
luckiest boy in Yorkshire, because his best
friend is a magical dolphin!"
http://b3ta.com/links/Peters_Dolphin

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: B3TA ON RADIO 4
The rapture has started

Your favourite Ginger Fuhrer shares a bill with
Richard Dawkins, with a couple of appearances in
this BBC documentary about interweb memes.
There's a bit of stuff about the Great Virgin
Credit Card Fiasco and, we were rapidly and
gleefully informed by kinks, "they mentioned my
pic!"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b00zlk03/Whats_in_a_Meme

And here's "that" image:
http://goo.gl/nho2g

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: KUNT'S ROYAL WEDDING VID

"Gonna unleash the royal wedding vid today,"
confides Kunt. "Please help us punt it out there
and create a right royal stink!"

Yes, Kunt is back at his chart-bothering
shenanigans. "With 'use my arsehole' we finished
up selling about 3000 in the week it went to
66," he continues. "Any other week that would be
round about the top 40 so, the way I see it, if
we generate the same amount of interest and
enthusiasm as last time it will go top 40. Then
Radio 1 have to decide whether to play it or ban
it and I think the answer to that is pretty
obvious."

Having seen this extremely NSFW vid we're now
starting to wish we hadn't agreed to champion
this Kunt and the Gang campaign. Oh well, in for
a penny...
http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/5fa6

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Awesome Teachers

Last week we asked for the teachers that you
still remember fondly. Or fondled:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesometeachers/

* "Dr P taught us the basics of DNA using
fizzy laces, jelly beans and toothpicks and
the theory of dilution using farts, and 'fart
atoms.' But his best moment came one afternoon
walking past the sports field. The PE teacher
was shouting at the largest, most unfit kid.
When he tripped and the PE teacher burst out
laughing, adding more condescending comments,
Dr P casually shouted, 'At least he's not
fucking the librarian,' before carrying
on into the science building. It turned out
to be true, spread around the school like
wildfire, his wife found out and the last I heard
the PE teacher had been fired and was living
at home with his parents."
(eggs and spam)

* "A friend of my folks was brother-in-law to
my Year 9 maths teacher, from whom I get this
story. One fine day in the past, 'Mr Smith' comes
into his morning maths lesson. One of those old
roll-down blackboards sits at the front of the
classroom. Smith rolls it down to find 'Mr Smith
is a cunt' scrawled across it in huge letters.
Smith goes absolutely apeshit, informs class
that they are staying there until someone comes
into his office and owns up to it. With that,
he leaves the stunned class in silence and goes
to wait in his office next door. According to
his brother-in-law, Smith wrote it himself as
he was hungover and couldn't be arsed to teach."
(Cylon Bum Raider)

* "My 6th form careers advisor was called Peter
Niskin, or as it was written, P Niskin. Perhaps
his careers advisor should have told him avoid a
profession dedicated to sniggering idiot
teenagers." (Galahad)

>> This Week: Nights out gone wrong <<
In celebration of the woman who went out for
a quiet drink with friends after work and
ended up half-naked, kicking a copper in the
nads and threatening to smear her own shit
over hospital staff... how have your best-laid
plans ended in woe?
http://b3ta.com/questions/nightsoutgonewrong/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Nazi spoons<<
Do you love spoons? What about Nazis? Then
you're in luck! Why not buy the book
"Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich"? BTW: We
cribbed this link from a rather strange Radio 4
documentary about the extraordinary number of
books about the Nazis that are published each
year, which we found by typing 'nazi' into
iPlayer. Next week we might try 'porn'.
http://goo.gl/fhuSo

>> 1930s Newspapers Just Like Today Shock! <<
Newspapers from the 30s - what were they like?
Turns out to be the usual mix of misogyny,
racism and mad diet supplements they still serve
up today. Best bits include: the £60 car that
comes Hitler-approved, and the secret of
slimming - Cider.
http://goo.gl/SUrJP

>> Trolling Facebook photos <<
Remember the guy who wrote the HUGE complaint
letter to Richard Branson? Well he also likes to
edit his friend's Facebook photos and put them
back up on Facebook. It's great to see the
progression from gentle tweaking, to the
friend's snapping point and eventually a full
breakdown.
http://www.oliandalex.com/james-face/

>> Music made by dead bloke <<
Great musicians and long life don't seem to go
hand in hand very often. You just need to look
at Cliff Richard for proof of that. This is the
sad and touching story of Graham March, aka
Desimal, a musician from Canada who also
suffered from schizophrenia. In 2006 he
committed suicide, but that hasn't stopped his
music living on. His family and friends have
put up his tracks for free. We enjoyed in
particular the aptly-named "Afterlife".
http://www.grahammarch.com/index.php
http://grahammarch.com/mp3/music/songs/Afterlife.mp3

>> Best Supermarket Fails <<
Imagine if like somebody on the internet
crowd-sourced all the sort of funny/rubbish
things you see in supermarkets. You don't have
to imagine, as this is 2011 and it's here in
your browser. WOO HOO!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/supermarkets

>> ZX81 with an SD card <<
30 years old this year, the ZX81 was the first
computer your B3ta staff ever owned. We used it
to made a blocky animation of a dog doing a
shit. And now we run B3ta - nothing changes,
except ZX81s now have SD card ports. Nice.
http://is.gd/syR932 (eBay)

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Now available on your internet enabled fridge

>> iPad 2 / Garageband <<
We really really really want an iPad 2. We'd
totally talked ourselves out of it but then we
saw the Garageband demo. We now totally have a
fantasy of sneaking into a forest at the dead of
night and recording a concept album about night
stalkers:
http://goo.gl/DqzT1

>> Rebecca Black for the win <<
Rebecca Black, best known for ruining Twitter
trend lists, gets re-interpreted by the Bad Lip
Reading team, who scrubbed the audio from her
original track 'Friday' and overdubbed it with
any words that would fit. Funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GaKaGwch0U

>> "Moth joke" <<
Here's a lesson in comedy. You have your setup
line and your punchline. The more work you can
do twisting and turning your setup, the bigger
the laugh you can get from the end bit. Maybe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GWJC7tlYck

>> Banned University of Lincoln commercial <<
Zombies were rad when Dawn Of The Dead was still
a cult movie (the 1978 original, not the crappy
2004 remake). But then Shaun Of The Dead came
along and every other dink in the universe
slapped on gore make-up and rendered zombies the
tiredest shit ever. The only thing more boring
than zombies are those university recruitment
ads, usually featuring a bunch of swots reading
books under a tree on a sunlit campus. So it's
weird that a combination of the two lamest
things in the world could work together to
produce something witty and watchable. Check out
the banned University of Lincoln commercial:
http://goo.gl/AMFZb

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Threeway kebab action

* TINY COX - Quite fitting he should be a
'Member' of the Senate.
http://goo.gl/s2pOk

* BUILDERS LOLS - they love doing the erection
joke just as much as handymen like saying
"fancy a screw?"
http://www.quickfixscaffolding.com/

* SAY IT OUT LOUD - Mr Neversoft writes, "I was
reading the BBC News website when it linked to
an article on the website for "Proceedings of
the National Academy of Sciences" The only
problem is how to pronounce the URL"
http://www.pnas.org

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Olympic Challenge

Last week we wanted you to picture the
Internet Olympics. Your favourites included:

* WOW - historic kamikaze gaming manoeuvre
makes its way to the pool. (Afinkawan)
http://b3ta.com/board/10366728

* POTCH - endurance sport reaches a new,
horrific pinnacle. (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10364889

* SPEED - fat pipe advantage pays dividends
in sprint event. (the peevish djinn)
http://b3ta.com/board/10365709

All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/internetolympics/

>> New challenge: Cheese! <<
It's a magnificent one-word challenge.
It's tasty, tasty curdled milk. Do with
it what you will. It's CHEESE. Challenge
suggested by Smash Monkey, Drimble_W and
stereoroid
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cheese/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* SICKIPEDIA GETS A BBC MENTION - Christ knows
why anyone at the BBC thinks this is a good
idea, we suspect a conspiracy to make the Beeb
look shit so Murdoch can move in and asset strip.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12775389

* DAILY MAIL DO OUR NAUGHTY SHOP CHALLENGE - but
credit Facebook instead of us. The shits. Still,
'supermarket scrabble' is a better name.
http://goo.gl/QapBc (Daily Nazi)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/naughtyshop/popular/

* THREE CHEERS FOR PARSNIP CAKE - cat_the_dentist
writes, "parsnip cake is utterly delicious and
x2 as gooey sweet and moist as its poorer cousin,
the carrot cake. Give it a go, although I don't
normally do a thick icing, just a little lemon
juice and icing sugar drizzle. Yum." Next week
can you try turnip cake please?
http://uktv.co.uk/food/recipe/aid/514249

* KATE / HARRY MUG DOBBED IN - anon writes,
"It's a side project by one of the creatives at
my agency (Leo Burnett London) - he chose the
name 'Guandong' as a reference to the Guangdong
company that are famed for shite knock-offs. But
you didn't hear that from me."

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* FACEBOOK ANONS - MeekMan asks, "Wouldn't it be
great if there was an option on Facebook to make
a post anonymously. That way, your friends would
know that SOMEONE they knew had said something,
but not exactly who. Things like 'She's only
marrying you for a passport, Rick' or 'Your new
jacket makes you look like a dick, Sam'." Or
indeed, "Jesus Christ John! You're visibly
swelling in each and every photo I see. Stop
self-medicating your misery with food and visit
a doctor and tell them you're depressed."

* GAYPORNIFY - chavyboy writes, "Hi - just
wondering if there's a site where you can upload
a small picture of a friend's face, and it will
be automatically photoshopped into some lovely
gay porn? You know, for teh lulz and that. I
can't believe that such a thing does not exist,
but if I am correct, it seems that B3ta is the
place to suggest such a thing."

* A BROWSER PLUGIN THAT SHOWS YOU WHICH
POLITICAL PRESSURE GROUP SOURCED WHICH STORY -
like all the shit the Taxpayers' Alliance get
into the papers about 'fat cat' teaching staff,
so they can help prepare the ground for the
wholesale privatisation of education.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @cr3, Sonny_Jim,
Bootsthealchemist, Scrambled Edd, Mr.Neversoft,
Vulva, BrokenCoccyx, mrandrist, Peter Davison,
@simonth, Tribs. Top Tippery by sandettie light
vessel automatic. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Additional writing via @tomdavenport,
@giant_squid, @AlexDRobertson , James Stedman,
dominic tunon, @RadioVicky, Simon Guerrero and
Rob Walton.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Got a potted cactus? Rather than watering on a
daily basis, give it seasons by soaking it for
about 36 hours and then don't water it at all
for 2 months. When you water it again after the
dry season, it will visibly swell. Each wet
season will make it grow more than just a daily
watering would. Also, watering it daily will
kill it.

__._,_.___

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__,_._,___

Vol 992 - Mar. 23, 2011 - Top Ten Questions Not To Ask In A Job Interview

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Strange "Appearance" quotes:

Quote: A little man often cast a long shadow. Author: Italian Proverb Sayings of Italian Origin

Quote: Chins without beards deserve no honor. Author: Spanish Proverb Sayings of Spanish Origin

Quote: People have been so busy relating to how I look, it's a miracle I didn't become a self-conscious blob of protoplasm. Author: Robert Redford 1937-, American Actor, Director, Producer

Quote: Appearance rules the world. Author: Johann Friedrich Von Schiller 1759-1805, German Dramatist, Poet, Historian

Quote: There are no greater wretches in the world than many of those whom people in general take to be happy. Author: Seneca 4 B.C. – 65 A.D., Spanish-born Roman Statesman, philosopher

Quote: I don't consider myself bald, I'm just taller than my hair. Author: Tom Sharp

Quote: My breasts are beautiful, and I gotta tell you, they've gotten a lot of attention for what is relatively short screen time. Author: Jamie Lee Curtis 1958-, American Actress

Quote: I've played a lot of bad guys, 'cause that was the only work I could get. People saw my face and went ''Oooh.'' Author: Laurence Fishburne

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Top Ten Questions Not To Ask In A Job Interview

10. What's your company's policy on severance pay?

9. How long does it take your company's bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?

8. Do you have a random drug testing policy?

7. Does your company's life insurance cover suicide?

6. How in depth are your criminal background checks?

5. Does your company's insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?

4. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?

3. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?

2. Does your internet access have a firewall that blocks pornographic websites?

1. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

STRANGE RED FACED BIRD RIDES BACK OF PAINTED TURTLE - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/173176.html

STRANGE DRIVE INN'S AND 'CRUISIN' STOPS - TOM THUMB - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/173479.html

STRANGE OLDE MILITARY PIXS - BI-PLANE BOMBER EXPLODES BOMB OVER NAVY SHIP - http://www.strangefarmer.com/content/item/173687.html

USS MISSOURI - BB-63 - COOL RAINBOW - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/173545.html

STRANGE CONCEPT CARS - 1964 DODGE CHARGER - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173254.html

STRANGE OLDE CAMPING TRAILERS AND GEAR - SPECIAL AIRSTREAM WORLD TOUR - COUNTRIES VISITED BY YEAR - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173775.html

JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE BEFORE/AFTER PIXS - COASTAL FISHING VILLAGES - A - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173859.html

STRANGE MILITARY EQUIPMENT - NASTY TRACKED ARMORED VEHICLE! - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/173953.html

EGYPT'S HOSNI MUBARAKS PINSTRIPED SUITS ARE ACTUALLY THE NAME MUBARAK PRINTED VERTICALLY ! - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/173954.html

CHARLIE SHEENS HOT "TRIO" - THE NANNY - THE WIFE - THE PORN STAR! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/173959.html

STRANGE MASSIVE SWARMS OF FISH - ACAPULCO BAY - 1 - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/174065.html

WISCONSIN - USA MAP - MORE BARS THAN ANY OTHER STATE SINCE 1848! - http://www.strangebusiness.com/content/item/173965.html

STRANGE CUSTOM 1948 BUICK CONVERTIBLE - FRONT - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/173976.html

STRANGE RUSSIAN MILITARY EQUIPMENT - WORLDS LARGEST HOVERCRAFT - 6 - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/174009.html

JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE BEFORE/AFTER PIXS - COASTAL FISHING VILLAGES - B - GONE! - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/173860.html

TEENAGERS - FREEDOM AT LAST! - ACT NOW! - MOVE OUT! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/174026.html

STRANGE ESCALATOR GAL - SPINNER - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangefunvideos.com/content/item/173943.html

FRANCE SURRENDERS TO LIBYA AFTER 2 DAYS! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/174077.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SS - VOLLEYBALL - MEN'S - WOMENS - BEACH - COLLEGE - PROFESSIONAL

http://www.strangesports.com/content/category/100659_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Strange Facts About Australia - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/174084.html

25 Strange Uses For Coffee Filters - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/174085.html

Cracking the Twist-tie Color Code for Freshest Bread - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/174086.html

Extra Tests at the Veterinary Surgeon Can Be Expensive! - http://www.strangegolf.com/content/item/174089.html

20 Hilarious School Exam Answers - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/168997.html

Strange Motorcycle Facts - http://www.strangefunvideos.com/content/item/168715.html

The Top 5 Most Counterfeited Items Sold Online - http://www.strangeracer.com/content/item/168674.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - SS - VOLLEYBALL - MEN'S - WOMENS - BEACH - COLLEGE - PROFESSIONAL

http://www.strangesports.com/content/category/109_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

Vol 991 - Mar. 20, 2011 - Strange Actual Calls to Information in England

Twice weekly E-letter - StrangeCosmos.com -

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Are you ready to review the Best Humor, Coolest Pix and Political Parody on the Internet?

Get ready to jump into something "Strange!"

http://www.strangecosmos.com/index.html

==================================

Our Town Is So Small...

our city limits signs are both on the same post!

the City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell

the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch

the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2

the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions

the phone book has only one page

there's nothing doing every minute

the ZIP code was a fraction

Second Street is in the next town over

there's no place to go that you shouldn't

a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes

the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog

the New Year's baby was born in October

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Actual Calls to Information in England

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

BROWN BEAR STUFFING ITSELF WITH SPAWNING SALMON - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/173177.html

STRANGE DRIVE INN'S AND 'CRUISIN' STOPS - BURGER HAVEN - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/173478.html

STRANGE MILITARY JET PAINT JOBS - NATO GERMAN TORNADOS - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173670.html

WALRUS GETS BIG FISH PIE SURPRISE - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/172910.html

JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE BEFORE/AFTER PIXS - FERTILE FARM FIELDS IN VALLEY - A - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173839.html

JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE BEFORE/AFTER PIXS - FERTILE FARM FIELDS IN VALLEY - B - GONE! - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173840.html

EARLY AVIATION - OLDE 5 WINGED ATTEMPT AT FLIGHT - BALLOON IN BACKGROUND - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/173538.html

USS MISSOURI - BB-63 - NIGHT BLAST FEB 6, 1991 - DESERT STORM - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173547.html

JAPANESE EARTHQUAKE - 3-11-11 SENDAI 9.0 - TSUNAMI DAMAGE - COMING ASHORE! - http://www.strangetravel.com/content/item/173866.html

MEGAN FOX - HER SEXIEST MOST LOW CUT DRESS! - http://www.strangecelebrities.com/content/item/173891.html

STRANGE MOVIE GAFFES - HARRY POTTER - DUMBLEDOOR - WRIST WATCH! - http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/173912.html

STRANGE CONCEPT CARS - XP-700 CORVETTE - FORD FUTURISTIC - PLYMOUTH XNR - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/173256.html

AUSSIE BULLY GETS TOSSED! BOTH SUSPENDED - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangefunvideos.com/content/item/173941.html

MILITARY JET DANGER - BRITISH RAF JET NOSES CLOSE TO C-130 CARGO PLANES OPEN CARGO DOOR - REALLY CLOSE!!!!!!! - http://www.strangedangers.com/content/item/173952.html

SNAKES BITES MODELS FAKE BREAST - DIES SILICONE POISONING! - ACTION GIF - http://www.strangezoo.com/content/item/173942.html

AMAZING DISASTER PHOTO - TAKEN BY TOURIST THE INSTANT THE EARTHQUAKE HAPPENED IN CHRISTCHURCH NEW ZEALAND - - http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/173947.html

BAD TIMING! - LONDON POLICE ENFORCE STRICT NO PARKING ZONE - REMOVE HEARSE WAITING FOR CASKET! - http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/item/173951.html

BRITISH RAF AV-8 HARRIER FORCE'S FLYPAST OVER HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT WHO DECOMMISSIONED THEM. - http://www.strangemilitary.com/content/item/173992.html

==================================

The Featured Pix Category This Week - SV - TRUCKS - VANS & MOTORCYCLES - INT'L - JAPANESE - PAKISTANI - ASIAN - WILD & CRAZY

http://www.strangevehicles.com/content/category/100720_1.html

==================================

The Top News Articles & Humor for the Week

Strange Kitchen Tips - http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/173825.html

Strange Facts - http://www.strangesports.com/content/item/173826.html

Understanding Australian Slang - Caution ! - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/content/item/22475.html

You Know You're Italian If... - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/25344.html

Strange Laws in England - http://www.strangeamericans.com/content/item/25452.html

Some Strange British Signs - http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/24832.html

==================================

The Featured New Category This Week - Japanese - Chinese - Asian - Crazy Goofy Items

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/category/68_1.html

==================================

Be Sure to Check Out All the "Strange" Family Websites

Old Pictures & Images - History - http://www.strangeoldepictures.com/

Farmers - Crops - Tractors - Farm Animals - http://www.strangefarmer.com/

Racing! - F1 - NASCAR - Dirt Bikes - http://www.strangeracer.com/

Blondes - Celebs - Models - Musicians - http:www.StrangeBlondes.com/

Travel - Cruises - Destinations - http://www.strangetravel.com/

Kids - Teens - Moms - Parents - http://www.strangefunkidz.com/

Bad Bosses - Employees - Ads - http://www.strangebusiness.com/

Cops - Police - Criminals - Felons - http://www.strangepolice.com/

Weird and Goofy People - http://www.strangepersons.com/

All Your Favorite Folks- http://www.strangecelebrities.com/

Autos - Trucks - Nasty Accidents http://www.strangevehicles.com/

Hockey - Football - Soccer http://www.strangesports.com/

Troops - Jets - Warships - Tanks http://www.strangemilitary.com/

Pets - Dogs - Cats - Wild Animals http://www.strangezoo.com/

Politicians - Parodies - Liberals - NeoCons http://www.strangepolitics.com/

Hurricanes - Lightning – Tsunami's - Dangers - Crashes http://www.strangedangers.com/

==========================

Visit Often - Tell Your Friends - Never Follow!

#1 Stranger

---------------------

HOTEL ROOMS BOOKED AND THE LOWEST RATE! - GUARANTEED!

Over 1 Million Rooms & Suites Booked - Amazing Savings

http://www.reservetravel.com/v5/redir.aspx?&type=search&siteid=9055

------------------------

Remove E-mail Address - http://www.strangecosmos.com/static/unsubscribe.html

[b3ta] "Going to war in the Middle-East, cause it went so well last time"

 

This Week:
* PARTY - in *your* room
* KATE & WILLS - misprint mugs?
* BABIES - not laughing

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're queering the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| pitch... together"

B3ta email 471 - 18 Mar 2011

Read this issue in your rented hovel:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue471/

Yuan: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yen: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SOLVE YOUR TELLY WITH 3VIEW
(sponsored linky)

One of the big problems of modern TV is that
you get a better experience on your laptop than
on your actual television. iPlayer, downloads,
network sharing, all that stuff. Yeah you can
find geeky ways of fixing up your PC to your TV
but wouldn't it be better to have it all in
once nice box with a remote? The price? £299?
No, even cheaper! The first 50 B3ta Newsletter
subscribers can have £100 discount by entering
the code b3ta1503 - strictly one per household.
http://www.3view.com/

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Party, Kit Kat and Greggs

>> Party in my room <<
"I went away to India for six months last
autumn," explains robm79. "Whilst I was away,
one of my best mates lived in my flat looking
after it for me. When I got back from the
airport last week there was a note on my coffee
table to press play and this video came on the
TV." Possibly NSFW due to supermoon.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Party_in_my_room

>> Giant KitKat Chunky <<
"I was hungry," says corruptia. "So I made this.
And now I'm diabetic."
http://f1a.me/b2jkr

>> The Greggs Adventure <<
"I'm attempting to eat and review every product
sold at Greggs," moans jgroome. "More than one
person has said that I'm well on course for a
heart attack before I hit 30. I say that if
forcing my body to consume fatty or otherwise
unhealthy food just to write a blog is wrong
then I don't want to be right."
http://greggsadventure.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bodge Jobs

Last week we told you that if it wasn't fixable
with a hammer, it wasn't worth fixing. We were
wrong. Apparently it's possible to fix** things
with fireworks too:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodger/

* "In order to plug in the microwave, the
kettle, the toaster and the coffee machine in
the tiny office kitchen, we had a four way
trailing socket. The problem was, it wasn't
attached to anything and sort of hung in space,
suspended from the various cables plugged into
it. This was deemed dangerous, as accidentally
snagging it would likely pull the kettle off the
work surface onto the person making tea. We
taped it flush against the wall, but it got
knocked free. Then we put the kettle on top of
the microwave, so it hung down by the microwave,
only slightly out of the way; equally
cumbersome. Something had to be done. We called
the maintenance guy. He turned up, unplugged the
kettle, pulled the microwave out, revealing two
wall sockets, and plugged the kettle into one of
them. He then looked at us like we were idiots
and walked out. He was kind of right."
(SnowyTheRabbit)

* "Men! If a long winter evening tempts you to
try a bit of kinky sex and you are about to use
that ever-handy duct tape as an impromptu gag,
here is a tip: as it is applied, compress your
lips together. Hard. Otherwise, when your snog-
hungry partner rips that gag off, the hair will
suddenly get removed from your upper lip AND a
good deal of your lips will be forcibly torn off
your very face. A bodged waxing might be
bearable, but let me be clear: having your lips
torn off is not. You will scream, you will
convulse, you will knee your partner right in
the claggies and you will spend the rest of the
evening in chilly silence while you slowly
bleed. Just sayin'." (IChewCandlewax)

* "It's Gaffer Tape, not Duck Tape, not Duct
Tape, not Fucked Tape. Beware inferior rip-offs.
Proper gaffer tape holds the entire music
business together. Without it, live performances
simply couldn't happen. I've seen it used to:
hold a mic-stand together; hem trousers; gather
slack cloth; attach a $20,000 special effects
light to a vertical brick wall and, in one
lovely instance, provide uplift and a cleavage
to a less-than-well-endowed backing singer.
However, the ultimate gaffer tape award goes to
the genius who taped a promoter's Porsche onto a
wall. It did involve the entire crew, a forklift
and TWO rolls of tape, but they got it done.
Wimps. I could have done it with one." (Legless)
** nearly kill people

>> This Week's Question <<
Anyone who not only voluntarily takes on our
kids for the day, but also attempts to teach
them something useful deserves our respect. Tell
us about the teachers that inspired you, made
you laugh or merely set fire to the science lab:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesometeachers/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Harry + Kate Middleton wedding mug <<
This printing mistake cup is everywhere this
week but we're suspicious we're being played for
mugs by cunning people who know exactly what
they're doing. A quick check on Companies House
finds a number of opportunistic businesses
registered to the same North Finchley address
including Cantpaymybills.co.uk, Can Support It
Limited, Powerflush King and Sex Toy Shippers.
http://bit.ly/dO8Q4X


>> Mien Kampf sequel <<
Did you know Hitler wrote an unpublished sequel
to Mein Kampf in which he predicts a British
Empire / Nazi union in 1980 to defeat the USA?
Nor did we until reading Wikipedia. BTW: If
Russell Brand was a despot with plans to lead
the Aryan race to global rule he might have
called his autobiography My Struggle Wuggle.
http://goo.gl/V5f5e

>> Bestest Lennon interview ever <<
Lennon doing politics has been widely dismissed
as laughable, but have you ever read his early
70s Marxist interview? Fascinating stuff that's
rather been swept away. We particularly like the
bit where he predicted the coming destruction of
the working class, "They think they are in a
wonderful, free-speaking country. They've got
cars and tellies and they don't want to think
there's anything more to life. They should
realise that the blacks and the Irish are being
harassed and repressed and that they will be
next."
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/carousel/pob12.html

>> Who needs the full story? <<
Headlines conjure the strangest images,
apparently. At least, they do in @ericwedum's
world. Add some twisted but vivid imagination
and you end up with mental pictures that may
well look something like these. Just remember,
reading the tiny text with the detail is for
wimps. Safe for work, but keep the eBay search
for mind bleach on standby.
http://f-ckyeahheadlines.com/

>> World in 2000, as predicted in 1910 <<
Looking back at looking forward has always been
a popular pursuit, even if it doesn't make up
for the lack of flying cars and domestic robots.
Villemard's 1910 picture postcards both over-
and under-estimate advances.
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2011/03/world-in-2000/

>> Jim Davidson no longer racist?! <<
Somebody very very smart is currently advising
Jim Davidson. What's he famous for? Racism. What
is unacceptable in current society? Racism.
Therefore why not write a book and a play about
how you learned not to be a racist? Genius. And
Christ, you couldn't make the cover up.
http://bit.ly/hhtfA9

>> Rebecca Black analysis <<
If you're one of those people who refer to
Rebecca Black's seminal masterpiece 'Friday' as
THAT FUCKING SONG, perhaps you haven't looked
deep enough for its subtle brilliance? Best
philosophical analysis we've seen.
http://bit.ly/fzOtoe

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Weak sub-headline joke goes here.

>> Kraut Rock <<
When German government ministers resign they
have a military ceremony and get to choose the
music. Minister of Defence Karl-Theodor zu
Guttenberg quit after the web found out he
plagiarised his PhD thesis, and then ordered
AC/DC from the army band. They wouldn't do it,
but were happy to parp out a cover of Smoke on
the Water, lit by flaming torches. When Michael
Gove goes we want the Grenadier Guards doing
Prince's Sexy MF on horseback, underwater.
http://goo.gl/ThwIT

>> Mum's head is exploding!! ...Oh hang on.. <<
Loads of adverts use laughing babies to hook us
in. It's something in our genes, probably; happy
sprogs make us happy too. What they don't show
is the out-takes where they stare in terror like
they've seen whatever the baby version of James
Corden is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mums_head_is_exploding_oh_hang_on

>> Why London's road systems are so crap <<
A proper documentary, like what you might see on
TV, about the abandoned plans and botch-jobs
that gridlocked London and resulted in the
circle of hell that is the M25. Includes naked
moobs, a vomiting Thatcher and a bit where he
draws on his monitor with a felt tip. You don't
get that from BBC Four.
http://goo.gl/jw9KN

>> The Mario Movie as it should have been <<
Forget the misguided 90s effort, this trailer
quite clearly shows the Mario franchise for what
it is - nothing but a disturbing descent into a
drug-induced hell. The moustache is still
glorious, however.
http://goo.gl/MsMkn

>> I want to sax you up <<
Sexy sax player Sergio Flores terrorises
innocent LA shoppers with the saxophone part
from George Michael's Careless Whisper, complete
with authentic 80s mullet and leather gear.
Starts to get brilliant around the one minute
mark.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sexysaxmansaxagrams_com

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Don't be meano to The Beano

Check out the name of the guy who edited the
Beano between 1984 and 2006, you'll have to
scroll to the middle, or maybe CTRL F for 'Kerr'
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12770341

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Baddies Challenge

Last week we wanted you to introduce film
baddies to TV sitcoms:

Your favourites included:

* HOGAN - beta bandwagon meme explosion glory
triumph (SqueakyG)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10359178

* MERCILESS - space-age despot moves from Mongo
to Texas (okyosexwhale)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10360868

* NAZIS - French Resistance Nazi caper
celebration (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10359230

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmbaddies/

>> New challenge: The Internet Olympics <<
It's the Internet Olympics. What events would be
included? Who would take part? Who would win?
Tell us, using the sporting prowess of
Photoshop. Challenge suggested by gaylord
stinchcomb.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/internetolympics/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* FUGLY BEARS - "I was perusing eBay one day and
saw someone selling a bag of false teeth,"
writes Smaldini. "I pondered this for a while,
thinking about all the reasons someone one might
buy them, and laughing at the idea of someone
buying them to add to soft toys. And then I
thought, sod it, why not become that woman? The
answer is, apparently, because practically
nobody wants to buy teddy bears with artificial
human teeth."
http://www.etsy.com/transaction/45221213

* HELP THE GUARDIAN FORUM EXILES - "The Guardian
newspaper ran a discussion forum called 'The
Talk' for over 10 years," explains
JohnnytheSailor. "A couple of weeks ago they
shut it down in mysterious circumstances without
any warning leaving nearly 1,000 regular
posters, including me, bereft.

"I sat down and started writing a replacement
and put it live 48 hours after the closure.
We've been going for a couple of weeks now and
I've had over 600,000 hits so far but without
new members we will wither and die!"

'Mysterious circumstances' sounds enticingly
juicy, although it probably means 'ran out of
money': seemingly the reason for everything
these days.
http://talk.notthetalk.com

* BRISTOL QUO - If you thought the Illuminati
controlled everything, and hinted at this by
hiding images in American currency and the like,
you obviously aren't aware of the power of b3ta.
Darkgreen has discovered a b3ta meme lurking in
the banner of the Bristol Is Green website,
right there on the harbour. Blimey.
http://www.bristolgreencapital.org/green-capital

* DEATH METAL WASHING MACHINE - "Re: music games
from last week's newsletter - I downloaded Sound
Hound for my phone, which appears to use some
sort of weird dark arts hocus-pocus to recognise
music," confesses sandettie light vessel
automatic. "After testing it on various radio
stations, I tried it on my knackered old washing
machine during the rinse cycle. It came up as
'Open Arms to Damnation' by Born of Osiris. Yes,
it seems my washing machine is a tribute act to
the hardcore death-metal scene." This has
inspired us to go round the house, testing which
bands our appliances are covering.

* MUSIC VID INSPIRED BY NEWSLETTER - "I made a
music video based on the Glide2 video that was
in the newsletter," intones HCowling. "We did
two takes at it, in the second one the station
guards are in the film shutting us down so we
couldn't use it." This is a lovely thing,
although the actual platform must have been
total mayhem.
http://goo.gl/PG0JL

* MUTATED MONTY ON ADULT SWIM - "Here is it, in
case anyone is interested and can't watch the
channel," grunts the great man.
http://goo.gl/4e3LW

* MUTATED MONTY RIPPED OFF BADLY - "Here's an
amusingly terrible rip-off of one of my videos,"
smirks mutated monty. "I was emailed about this
by someone who had to work on it. I'm guessing
since they nicked the music as well they weren't
expecting many people to actually see it, which
is probably a good thing judging from the
inherent shitness of the result."
http://goo.gl/FSTpy

* "WATCH MY BROTHER'S FILM!!!" implores
old-school b3tan barryheadwound. "My brother is
a writer. Over a decade ago he had an idea for a
film. Nothing overly revolutionary, but a solid
romantic comedy in good keeping with British
film-making tradition. Today, the concept that
my bro came up with 10 years ago hits the
screens in nearly 400 cinemas nationally. Hell
yeah!

"He's got a blog too. Quite an interesting look
at the process from script to screen."
http://goo.gl/3aT5G

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
Blind man's cuppa

Close your eyes and attempt to make a cup of
tea. Points for not ending up in hospital.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* GEORGE MICHAEL PROTEST - We've been vaguely
wondering about recording a very slow version of
Faith by George Michael with OTT autotune/chorus
effects. But can't be arsed. Can you?

* ALL THE INTROS OF NUMBER ONES OF THE 90S - PJ
writes, "Ages ago you asked someone to mp3-up
the first 10 seconds of every number one of the
80s, and they did. I still listen to it, and
still taunt my friends with it. Can you make a
similar appeal for someone to do one for the 90s
or 00s?"

* COMMENTS FOR THE STORIES WITHOUT COMMENTS ON
NEWS SITES - lots of stories on the Guardian
don't have comments enabled. Sometimes this is
for staffing reasons, other times it's because
of legal issues. Make a site that scans for
these articles and adds a comment button. If you
want to minimise legal issues, host it in a
"data haven".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Data_haven

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

Red nose: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
God knows: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by LordManley,
malcolmcoles, mastercucumber, disco_doctor,
matthaswell.co.uk, @Kodabar, stubbledchin,
Newsletter additional writing via Twitter chums
at: Jon Bounds, stephenfrizfrizzle, Jared Earle,
Michael Connor, @orbrey, Oolong, Giles Goddard,
nick foister, Carolyn O'Reilly. Top Tippery by
sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Paul_P.


-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Make people say "Well, it's certainly different"
by serving them carrot cake that's been made
with parsnips instead of carrots.

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Vol 990 - Mar. 16, 2011 -- Strange "Senior" Personal Ads

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Vol 990 - Mar. 16, 2011 -- Strange "Senior" Personal Ads

==================================

Strange Quotes:

From Jimmy Fallon . . . referring to Prince William's bachelor party:

"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini
when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

==================================

Today's Featured Humor : -) - - Senior Personal Ads

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

==================================

Most Popular - Parody - News - Pix

==================================

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==================================

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==================================

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