This Week:
* EXCITEMENT - There's a thing on the internet!
* THRILLS - Some of our friends know MYSQL!
* SPILLS - Oops, there goes our tea
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're getting poorer
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in our content
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| dungeon... together"
B3ta 'virtual reality turnip' 469 - 4 March 2011
Shit this out your content pipe:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue469/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Oscars, Maths, Lego, Cats and Cameras
>> Colin Firth's Oscar acceptance speech <<
The King's Speech star rather movingly accepts
his award. Nicely done, ratbanjos.
http://goo.gl/jzkBR
>> Enthusiastic maths <<
"Here's my fast, rambling talk containing
Euler's Identity (and other maths), explained in
five minutes. Hard stuff is fun," explains the
impeccably-bearded WrittenBittern. This is like
the Open University as a stand-up gig - we
didn't understand it, but it was fun to try to
follow along.
http://goo.gl/qmFyq
>> Album covers recreated in LEGO. <<
"Take a looky," writes Lego and music fan
savage^.
http://goo.gl/CrToR
>> Cat vs Cat & Printer - The Translation <<
A cheeky cat winds up his friend, as they hang
round the printer. Slurpy J lends his golden
vocal chords to another popular youTube vid.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_vs_Cat_Printer_The_Translation
>> Camera Capture <<
"This is my attempt at discovering what those
strange modes on your digital camera do," blurts
Sheep! Kids, don't try this at home.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Camera_Capture
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BragItUp.com - Miserable weather. Need a
holiday. Just got paid. Find luxury holiday
deals with up to 70% off from Voyage Prive.
Deals today include Sechelles, Berlin, Jamaica,
Amsterdam.... (linky sponsored)
http://tinyurl.com/5uqsl5y
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Drunk Parents
Old people? Drunk? How do you think we were all
conceived in the first place, lovely readers?
Snigger at the drunkards here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/drunkparents/
* POO - "Back in the mid 80s my grandfather had
an allotment and an arrangement with a local
farmer to get cheap horse manure as fertilizer.
When I was 4 or 5 my grandfather called up my
old man to ask if we'd come and help him. So
next day my father and grandfather toddle off
to the farmer's with a barrow to pick up a load
of shit for the allotment. Hours pass. My mother
and grandmother, wondering where they've got to,
decide to check the local pub. We walk up there
to find my very drunk father, my very drunk
grandfather, and a very drunk friend of my
grandfather's being hosed off in the car park by
the landlord. Apparently they'd picked up the
shit from the farm and had been wheeling it back
to the allotments next to the pub when they'd met
an old Navy friend of my grandfather's, who'd
suggested a break for light refreshment in the
pub. They'd sat outside, barrow of shit at their
table, and had sunk several pints when an argument
erupted. My grandfather, a reasonable fellow, had
dipped his hand into the squishy barrow of horse
poop and thrown a wet clod directly into my
father's face. He'd responded in kind and then
degenerated into a sort of three-way shit-flinging
competition, jumping around like drunken chimps,
chucking faeces at each other until the landlord
came out with a hosepipe and separated them.
They both slept in the conservatory that night."
(Zapiola)
* HORSE - "After a Christmas party one year, my
parents went upstairs, presumably, to go to bed.
Ten minutes later, I could hear thumps and muffled
giggling coming from the upstairs landing. Unsure
what I was about to see, I went to investigate.
There, on the landing, were my parents, draped in
a bedsheet and bumping into walls. "What the fuck
are you two doing?" After a bit more giggling,
mum's voice came floating out from under the sheet,
"We're being a horse!"
(Smash Monkey)
* PWNED - "My Dad rarely gets drunk in front of
the family; but back in the 70s he was a bit of
a wild child. He was into punk and had a large
multi-coloured Mohican. Travelling back from a
gig a bit worse for wear he sat opposite an oldish
type of chap who was just staring at my dad's hair.
After about ten minutes, he decided that he wasn't
going to take it anymore and piped up with,
"What are you staring at old man? Have you never
done anything crazy before?" To which the old man
replied, without a pause, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a Cockatiel... I was just wondering if
you were my son?"
(bROKEN aRROW)
>> This Week's Question <<
How stupid are your colleagues? Who is barely
able to walk and talk at the same time? Remember,
if you can't think of anyone, it's you. Talk to
us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stupidcolleagues/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ace Google Street View images <<
An awesome selection of excellent Streetview
images. Or are they just street photography,
with the google interface whapped on in
Photoshop? Who knows? Good though.
http://9-eyes.com/
>> Imagine a Jump <<
Nicely done John Lennon vs Van-Halen mash-up.
Who would have thought Van Halen could be so
haunting?
http://goo.gl/r0CTF
>> You are not a photographer <<
Snarky blog showing dreadful photos from people
who've set up as professional photographers.
Some dreadful photoshop abuse here.
http://youarenotaphotographer.com/
>> Cats quote Charlie Sheen <<
When someone very publicly has a mental
breakdown, the internet reacts in two ways:
adding their quotes to lolcats; adding their
quotes to New Yorker cartoons. Here's the cats.
Disappointingly no "tiger blood".
http://goo.gl/DTIQJ
>> Free food for greedy bastards <<
Fantastic news, if your taste runs to 28-inch
pizzas, 50-pound burgers or face-melting phaal -
a round-up of (mostly US-based) restaurants
where, if you finish the meal you get it for
free. Is there a list for the UK massive?
http://goo.gl/48efJ
>> 3D animated GIFs <<
Faux-3D animated GIFs - just take 2 pics very
close together and then flip between them. We
really like this sort of thing.
http://3erd.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but not owned by Rupert Murdoch
>> Cocky school fun <<
Niblet writes, "Just looking at the video links
on Google Maps, noticed this video from my local
secondary school, nice to see an age old
tradition has been brought up to date..." Click
the video in the middle of the map.
http://goo.gl/maps/wlF9
>> Animal Beatbox <<
Jonti Picking first noticed the ryhthmic
potential of repeated animal names with his
classic 'Badger Badger Badger.' An idea that
lives on with awesome mentalness.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxiSP_ch_oI
>> Radiohead vs. fish <<
Thom's odd dancing in Lotus Flower made us think
of Frank Gallagher on a bad E, with a bit of
Kate Bush and Talking Heads thrown in. Still,
he's got less of a belly that most of the dads
at the school gate and his moves are a gift to
internet-lolsters. Our only critism is this
could be longer.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/and_another
>> Mental bike race <<
The VCA bike race is just fucking nuts - held
every year in Chile and obviously utterly
lethal. And props to this guy doing it in a
pinstripe city suit.
http://bit.ly/efG6rQ
>> Google's automatic cars <<
Do you know someone who earns their living
through driving? Tell them to retrain. And if
you think stuff like this wouldn't be allowed on
our roads then don't underestimate the power of
business to lobby government to do what they
bloody like. Still, cool, cool tech.
http://youtu.be/t9Fxp3HK6DI
>> Obligatory funny cat video <<
We've turned a corner in cat vids - it used to
be enough to see a kitten do something cute like
fall asleep, then we moved onto stronger stuff
like watching them jump into walls. The latest
trends appear to be punking cats to make them
look stupid. Be warned internet, this can only
end with fireworks strapped to cats. Ooh, and
speaking of things we'd like to see next week...*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcxL1-OH2hI
*NO. It's a joke. Not that. PLEASE.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Kittenscience Challenge
Last week we wanted you to picture kittens.
Doing science.
Your favourites included:
* SCHRÖDINGER - the startling truth behind
*that* bin incident (tokyosexwhale)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10346553
* CHAOS - Keyboard Cat struggles to control his
latest experiment (randomscally)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10348452
* SURVEY - like the census, but for cats (mofaha)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10345830
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kittenscience/
>> New challenge: LEGO <<
Lego celebrated its 50th anniversary in 2008,
but we're marking the occasion right now with a
one-word challenge: LEGO! Suggested by epiphany,
Afinkawan, The Great Architect and op op op op op
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lego/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CYBERSEX CREDITS - John Q Wagonwheel writes,
"Re: cyber sex in the latest newsletter. This is
the work of Doug Stanhope, him off of Screenwipe
and a brilliant comedian. He practically
invented cybersex chatroom trolling, and there
are sites full of his exploits." Hmm, 10 seconds
on Wikipedia gives us "In October 2006, he
self-published a book, Fun with Pedophiles: The
Best of Baiting." Lovely stuff.
http://baiting.org/
* NEW ZEALAND COMPLAINTS - Marcus Gower writes,
"I think that the top tip about the Ants and New
Zealand was maybe stretching it to far. I'm
living in the North Island but I know people who
have been affected by the earthquake and it's not
been nice for our little country. To make up for
it, why don't you post a link to the Red Cross so
people could donate to help us out?" OK Marcus.
But we're only doing this because we think NZ
might be a nice place to hide when America loses
grip on the Middle East and tries to nuke China.
http://www.redcross.org.nz/cms_display.php
* BANK GOTH FUN - jon_dunbar, "About the bank vs
customer story, I actually met that guy last
summer in a place where Americans aren't allowed
to visit. Just wanted to come to his defence:
he's not a goth. He's a sanguinarian vampire.
Here's a video that explains it better."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNCFWgt4q0E
* FRETTED CELLO - "I'm sure a gazillion people
have already mentioned this, but 'a cello with
guitar tuning and frets' already exists: it's
called an arpeggione, and was meant to enable
classical guitarists to play 'cello-like things
by learning a few bowing techniques. Some
luthiers make them nowadays, even some electric
ones. But yes, I want one too. Especially a
plastic one."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Famous objects from classic movies
Ring. Bike with basket. Suitcase with glowing
stuff inside it. What movies are these?
http://famousobjectsfromclassicmovies.com/
This linky was everywhere this week, and was
created by designer Ji Lee from the Google
Creative Lab, who are "recruiting an army of
young creative and tech talent, training them
and sending them out into the industry to
conquer it from within." An extraordinary policy
that's a bit like the Borg.
http://creativity-online.com/news/the-google-creative-lab/146084
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If you
are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* THEHONESTIFICATOR - Ben Goldacre writes,
"Apparently the Government have leaned on the
BBC to use the word 'savings' instead of 'cuts'.
Be nice if someone made something that
re-substituted 'cuts' back in." Hmm, we had a
quick go but we're sure our members could do a
better job of it:
http://www.robmanuel.com/2011/03/03/the-honestificator/
* RETRO NATIONAL RAIL GAME - *not logged in*
writes, "This would make an awesome map for an
old Spectrum-style game."
http://www.nationalrail.co.uk/stations/sjp/PAD/plan.html?rtnloc=PAD
* IDEAS FOR NEW JOBS - seeing that globalisation
and tech is swallowing up all the old ones.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look at
everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mums who love cock,
spunky-dunky, sausagesarenotheonlyfruit,
aidsbreath, i'll-pay-you-with-my-rape-stick,
sinisterduck, Meglos, @CakeGroup, @Aiannucci,
jesushairdresser, Si o doom, rikweber, xixax,
hiraeth, @whatwhated @MelTheDroog, nocturne72,
@LDNCalling. Top Tippery by Rotating Wobbly Hat
Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
prodigy69.
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TOP TIP:
Makers of automobile commercials! Give the cars
number plates with symmetrical characters i.e.
numbers 1,8 and 0 and any letters from
A,H,I,M,O,T,U,V,W,X and Y. In any combination,
it doesn't matter. That way you can film the
advert once and then flip the image for adverts
in markets with left hand drive instead of
right-hand and the image doesn't look wrong.
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