This Week:
* TOY - Add laugh tracks to youTube vids
* CHALLENGE - Make stuff invisible
* WTF - Amish hackers?
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B3ta email 365 - 13 Feb 2009 - Ooh, spooky...
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Destroy Valentine's Tat
Here at mysinglefriend.
Valentine's Day cards, soppy rom-coms and
horrendous love songs make you do a little sick
burp and, as such, it is our mission to rid
Valentine's Day of schmaltz! Check out
http://www.thebearg
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than festering in vomit
>> Cadbury's Eyebrow ad, how it was done <<
HappyToast reveals the truth behind that wiggly
eyebrowed chocolate advert. Basically, they ran
a truckload of electric current through the
kids. Happy now?
http://b3ta.
>> The Lolinator <<
"If you've ever wondered what it would be like
if everything had a studio audience, wonder no
more..." booms monkeon. "It's also fun to add a
mental amount of laughter to sitcoms which
already have a laugh track."
http://www.monkeon.
>> How autumn works <<
Sheep unexpectedly figures out trees.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Rocket Dog <<
Joel pays long-overdue homage to soviet space
dog Laika. "She died for the glory of the
motherland," he weeps into his borscht.
http://rathergood.
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: FRIDAY 13TH FACTS
Because we can read Wikipedia too
* BUFFY FANS should check the torrents tonight
as Joss Whedon's new show Dollhouse is debuting
its pilot episode. Might be shit, who knows,
but we'll be watching.
* BLACK SABBATH released their debut album 29
years ago today. We still haven't listened to
it. Maybe next year.
* FORGOT to organise a timely Black Mass to
raise the Goat of Mendes? Don't worry, there's
another Friday the 13th following directly in
March.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Pubs
Last week we asked for your pub stories:
http://b3ta.
* JEDI - "Me and my friends (a bunch of crusty
grebos to a man) decided that for a bit of fun
we'd dress up and see what life was like in the
"trendy" bars we usually eschewed. The bar we'd
chosen was having a Star Wars night and all the
staff were in costume. I sidled up to the bar
hoping to get served by one of the luscious Leias,
but instead found myself confronted with a blond
wigged, judo-suited Luke. I ordered four pints,
he fetched them for me and told me the price.
Quick as a flash (and grinning like an idiot) I
waved my hand in a mysterious way and said "It's
okay, I've already paid you for them." He said,
"You what?" and I repeated it. He said, "Oh, right"
and walked away to serve someone else. Yes, I did
the Jedi mind trick on Luke Skywalker. I'd only
meant it as a joke..." (emvee)
* AUSSIE - "I'm a journalist, so I've spent almost
every waking hour of the past 20 years in pubs.
Highlights include: man walks in and waves knife,
"Give me the money!!" Elderly barman produces a
gun and says, "Fuck off, sonny."; Old crim playing
pool and his shooter accidentally falls out of his
pocket; Smashed detectives stumble out of the bar
into squad car, turn on siren and roar off - into
a parked car. And then there's Troughman. This is
a guy who used to regularly be seen around Sydney
laying in the toilet trough begging everyone to
piss all over him. Think I'm kidding? Google the
name." (difficultchild)
* MANLY - "My hair's a bit on the long and shaggy
side, and some would maintain that, despite being
tall and broad of shoulder, it makes me look
effeminate. Working the bar on New Year's Eve,
watching people get progressively more drunk, I'm
serving two blokes, both of whom bore more than a
passing resemblance to the bastard offspring
of Ross Kemp and a pork pie. "Yes, gents?" "You
wanna gerra haircut, mate. You look like a girl."
(Mustn't be rude to the customer...) "Haha, yeah,
maybe next year. Now then, what can I get you?"
"Two double Baileys, please, mate."
(The Supreme Crow )
>> This Week's Question <<
Had a brush with the Grim Reaper purely
through your own stupidity? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> "This is why you're fat" <<
There's a fine line between deliciously
decadent food and overwhelming grossness. This
parade of greasy treats gracelessly sprawls
right across it.
http://thisiswhyyou
>> Amish hackers <<
The Amish are commonly thought of as
technology-fearing luddites. Nothing could be
further from the truth, according to this
in-depth article detailing the ingenious ways
they get around their religious restrictions.
http://snurl.
>> Pepsi bullshit <<
If you had any doubts that designers are
ponces, check out this turgid and obscure
document explaining Pepsi's new corporate
identity. "Pepsi gravitational pull"?
http://snurl.
>> How not to fail at life <<
Crudely-drawn wisdom in a guide to getting out
of your parents' basement and on with your life.
http://snurl.
>> Schadenfreude <<
"Fuck my life!" is the inevitable ending of
each of these mini epics of personal failure
and misfortune.
http://www.fmylife.
>> Online music browser <<
We're currently loving Spotify, an app very
like having an infinitely-large and much
better-indexed iTunes library, with all the
album artwork and everything. Win.
https://www.
>> Write your own flash website thingie <<
Oooh, this is clever clever - write code into a
little box on the website and it compiles it
and makes a little flash blob, edit other
peoples code, collaborate etc. This is a small
glimpse of the future. Breathe deeply now.
Linky goes to a game as to not scare the
non-geeks too much.
http://snurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV Burp but with less baldy sell-outs
>> D-Pad hero <<
Ancient precursor to Guitar Hero for Nintendo's
original Famicon console. The creaky midi of
'Sweet Child of Mine' is our favourite.
http://dpadhero.
>> Sopranos Uncensored <<
Nostalgic collection of every single swear from
every episode of the Sopranos ever made.
A fitting tribute.
http://www.vimeo.
>> Kittens inspired by Kittens <<
The audio-visual equivalent of lolcats, as
strange little girl provides vocal captions for
a book of kitten photography.
http://www.youtube.
>> Angry Noel Edmonds <<
The Noel's HQ presenter unexpectedly rears up
on his hind legs and makes an impassioned
speech to decry an uncaring local council. He's
actually rather frightening when aroused - and
this is just begging for a weblol remix.
http://www.youtube.
>> Christian Bale takes David to the dentist <<
The inevitable collision of two memes -
hallucinating child and furious Hollywood
actor. Please let it end here.
http://snurl.
>> Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of Shit <<
Spot-on Onion piece about yet another must-have
piece of household electronica designed to
frustrate users to the point of apoplexy. BTW:
Best Onion headline recently? Tina Turner
Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money.
http://snurl.
>> Is Joaquin Phoenix having a breakdown? <<
Or just acting out a scenes for a new film,
Borat-style, in real life so they can get
particularly good footage? Either way, we're
currently finding this is-he-isn't-
fascinating.
http://snurl.
>> Trippy bad compression <<
Working in some crap web agency in 1997, trying
to compress a few more bytes out of a jpeg to
get the whole page under 60k, I suddenly we had
a thought. "One day there's going to be a
photoshop filter to simulate bad compression.
It'll make people feel nostalgic." That day
hasn't happened - but we've just seen this:
http://www.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still not funny, still not cornery
* JOE KING - System Analyst at KMS Financial
Services, "Funny name. No punchline though,"
writes bjselby2.
* MIKE WANKUM - goodladd smirks, "Speaking of
your funny name corner last week, I lived in
Boston in 2002 and at the time his station's
advertising slogan for the weather segment was
'Wankum's Got You Covered!' It was on
billboards all over the city. Shit you not,
though I can't find any evidence of it on the
interwebs."
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: SPONSORED LINKY #2
Amnesty Valentines
As if you weren't sick of Valentine's Day
already, here's a vomit-inducing collection of
plasticine critters, telling you that love is a
human right. So, instead of sitting around
moping about your long lost love that never
was, why not send a card to someone who'll
really appreciate it? BTW: The visuals were
produced by your lovely newsletter team of
Dave & Rob.
http://www.protectt
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Petty Terrorism
Last week we mostly played Freecell whilst you
lot wasted your lives making jokes in Photoshop.
Our favourites included:
* LEGO - recreating the devastation of
9/11 using everyone's favourite
plastic bricks (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.
* ROYAL MAIL - a devastating postal attack on
the Royal Family (Letum)
http://www.b3ta.
* INFLATION - young Bazram was never cut out to
be a proper terrorist (Sunshine Elephant)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Invisible Extras <<
Take a picture, any picture, then fire up
Photoshop and remove a section of it to
completely change what's happening.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* OH THAT BLOODY VIRGIN COMPLAINT LETTER -
patporter1 blithers, "I teach English and was
using the letter to teach my Year 11 class how
to write a letter of complaint. One of my
students suggested the letter was a PR job. So
I telephoned the number at the top of the page
and got a quite angry Oliver who assures me and
the rest of the class it is genuine."
* REALISTIC INTERNET SIMULATOR?! - approx. 6
years after we made this crappy little parody
flash game, Jeff Katz has got in touch and
produced something called an "iPhone edition."
Which was unexpected.
http://www.soulstre
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: FRIDAY GAME
Shopping Cart Hero
Before internet shopping, students used to
steal supermarkets shopping trolleys and use
them as gokarts. Relive the 90s now, lest we
should forget.
http://snurl.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BACKWARDS YOUTUBE - a tool to play youtube
videos backwards. And why not?
* A WII/SPOTIFY HACK - so we can listen to
music on our TV.
* CHEWED UP PAPER ART - what celebs can you
make from masticating up old copies of Heat and
forming little spitty figures?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by thiswasmyclone,
bort deluxe, The Resident Loon, matt round,
the_log_knows, grey matter and C-Bean.
Top Tippery by The Archduke of South London.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Joe Scaramanga
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TOP TIP:
Girls! At work? Forgot your tampons? no
worries! Just bleed on the chair and pretend
you sat on a strawberry.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
http://www.sickiped
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