This Week:
* DESPERATE WANKS? - Drawing your own porn? Really?
* EARLY CHRISTMAS CARD - You'll nick this idea
* VIDEO - Relentless and shit Guitar Hero gags
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "So rubbish....
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | we give it away
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B3ta Roland 303 - 16 Nov 2007
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: SPONSORED LINKY
TV Search Engine
Crave the Cheerleader? Find out when Hayden is
next on with Locate TV.
http://snipr.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Money burning a hole in your marketing budget?
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Polls, Parsley Boobs, Quo and Christmas
>> Ask the web <<
Upload two pictures to this site to make an
instant public poll, whether it be which shirt
to wear or if you should cycle to work today.
The real draw, though, is the weirdness of
things that other people seek guidance on. "My
personal favourite: best beard in international
cricket," chirps b3tard markhforsyth. Girls who
submit a 'what outfit should I choose?' should
be aware that internet nerds will likely vote
for the one that displays the most cleavage.
Something to bear in mind.
http://www.thisonet
>> Parsley Boobs IV <<
The plot thickens in the latest episode of
Jonti's ambitious time-travel epic. Well,
perhaps 'thickens' is a little strong, but
there are dinosaurs - and who hates dinosaurs?
http://www.weebls-
>> Guitar Hero: Status Quo <<
Tedious proudly presents his special edition of
the Playstation classic. "Because," he says,
"Some jokes never get old. Just like Status
Quo."
http://www.thomassc
>> Surprise Christmas card <<
"I spent Saturday afternoon making this lovely
thing," beams Lazlo Woodbine. Thanks Lazlo -
that is frighteningly good. There's definitely
an emphasis on 'frightening'
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Abusing Freebies
Last week we asked if you were capable of any
restraint when presented with free stuff. It
seems not:
http://b3ta.
* WELL HARD - "My folks were given loads of
promotional stuff from drug companies hawking
their wares - nothing expensive, stationary
mainly. One time my Mum was given a gimmicky
towel, a small towel that had been compressed
into a wee brick, and could be uncompressed and
used normally after soaking in water. She
kindly gave it to 14 year old me, as I though
it was quite cool. I took the wee brick with me
to an Army camp with the cadets (nice and
compact, saved on packing and carrying). A
couple of days in, I thought I might need a
small towel and soaked the brick in the sink
for ten minutes. It softened up, and I pulled
it out of the sink by its corners, proudly
displaying the legend "VAGISIL" to the other
hard as fuck army cadets in the room. Er,
thanks Mum." (Udidin)
* NUTS - "My mates and I were flying to Buenos
Aires - one wanted to grab as many bags of
complimentary nuts as possible, "so I don't
have to buy lunch during the day when we are
there." To help her, we kept wandering to the
different food prep areas on the plane saying
we were hungry and can we have a bag of nuts?
This continued for the entire 8 hour flight -
we manage to amass around 85 bags of them. As
the plane started its descent, a gaggle of
giggling Space Waitresses arrived at our seats.
One had a very large, brown, hard-wearing
carrier bag (the type with straw handles) 3/4
full of peanuts and dumped the entire lot on
our laps. We shrieked with laughter and
delight, raised our arms in triumph \o/ and
told them they were the best Space Waitresses
EVER to grace the skies. On the return trip
some of the crew were the same and as we took
off, one came over to us and said "We have
plenty of nuts if you are interested". We were
all somewhat peanutted-out by then and politely
declined." (Flowerpot)
* PENCILS - "Forced by your significant other
to go on a family trip to IKEA? Liven up an
otherwise dull and boring experience by
offering a prize to your offspring for the
child who can steal the most pencils. The boy
Scaryduck Jr - who rattled as he walked past
the tills - won with 186, pipping his sister
who racked up a mere 152. Subsequent shopping
trips can be enlivened by stealing all the pens
from Argos and confusing the staff by replacing
them all with IKEA pencils. And there's
literally pence to be made from your swag at
car boot sales. I realise, as the evil Fagin
figure behind this sorry affair, that I should
be doing hard time in a Scandinavian prison,
forced to knit lingerie for the female inmates.
Where do I hand myself in?" (Scaryduck)
>> This Week's Question <<
Our special QOTW correspondent ScaryDuck was
once so desperate he resorted to drawing his
own porn. Surely you've never been that needy?
You have? Tell us about it:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Collapsing shop page <<
Cleverly-set-
Looks fairly nondescript, but mouse-over the
blue cup on the right... pandemonium!
http://producten.
>> Trick family pictures <<
Endearing gallery of child photography, with
the twist being the budget special effect of
making them lie down and pretend to be flying,
diving etc. Surprisingly effective, looks quite
dreamlike. The Ghostbusters one is excellent.
http://www.janvonho
>> Ten words that don't mean what you think <<
A list of words that are commonly misused,
rated according to how much of a dick you would
have to be to pull people up on it. Some of
these seem borderline to us - is anybody really
puzzled as to the meaning of nonplussed? - but
it's still a good read.
http://snipurl.
>> Mike or dyke? <<
This was actually an idea we had for a quiz
back in the day. Now someone has put the wheels
in motion and gathered up photographs of
celebrity blokes who resemble butch women.
http://menwholookli
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: PUN WATCH
Man sentenced for fucking bike
Possibly the most commented on recent news
story has been the, oh fuck it, here's a paste
from BBC news: "Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a
sexually aggravated breach of the peace by
conducting himself in a disorderly manner and
simulating sex."
We're mentioning this because we're amused by
the number of puns it's produced.
* "I think he should be strung up, these bloody
pedalphiles" - via the b3ta talk board.
* "He's a cycle path!" - via Cr3 in our office.
* "Since when was a it a crime to be bike
curious?" (We made that one up ourselves.
Sorry.)
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like flickbooks with bonus witchcraft
>> Monkey band <<
There are those in advertising who think that
gorillas playing drums are a new thing. They're
completely forgetting that similarly-simian
Lancelot and the Evolution Revolution got there
first in the pre-Phil Collins days of the
1970s. Happier times indeed.
http://www.b3ta.
>> 24 - the 1994 pilot <<
A series of great gags about how far
communication technology has come in such a
short time - "150k? We can't email that. Let's
print it."
http://www.collegeh
>> German kid vs. Star wars girl <<
The last time the USA and Germany fought,
Nagasaki was atomic-bukkaked. This time it's
just cyber rofls.
http://snipurl.
>> Cowbell hero <<
As the web takes recent console game Guitar
Hero III to heart, you wonder quite why
Activision are bothering to make any marketing
material when the fans will do it for them.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Casting gags <<
Marketeers! If you're stuck for a idea for a
web viral, then hold an open casting and edit
up the crappest participants. It never fails.
This one: looking for someone tough!
http://www.b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
(Not funny or a corner)
* C BUTT Ltd. - Distribution and logistics
company. You'd want to work for them purely to
carry the business card...
http://www.cbutt.
* FOREIGN FUNNY NAMES - Cheers to
notenglishthankgod, alert to the plethora of
innocent-sounding words with dirty meanings in
a foreign language. The Honda Fitta had to be
renamed in Scandinavian countries, as no-one
wanted to drive a car called 'cunt'. And here's
Honda again with the Enis - a car just begging
for a smart-arse passer-by with a marker pen.
http://farm2.
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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
I Sans The Serif
For reasons best known to the Ginger Fuhrer
himself, he's spent most of the week singing "I
sans the serif" to the tune of a rather famous
ditty by Sir Robert Marley. Maybe you'd like to
buy the corresponding t-shirt?
http://snipurl.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
We can't bring you the results of last weeks
challenge, but it was widely written about in
the online press. If you missed it, here's some
links.
* The Register calls us a 'popular UK website'
http://www.theregis
* Whilst the Guardian describes us as having
'frequently deviant and often inspired visual
comedy.'
http://snipurl.
* Best of all? The Times, with 'celebrated, and
frequently scatological'
http://snipurl.
>> New challenge: Life After Kids' TV <<
What happened next for the characters of Kids' TV?
Did SuperTed end up on the brown? Maybe Bananaman
rented his banana out on the game? Only you and
Photoshop can decide.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* QOTW CREATES CITY INTRIGUE "I thought you
might be interested in a bit of QotW feedback",
writes Cullexus,"A letter appeared in the Times
business section."
http://snipurl.
And here's the post in question. Let's hope no
one gets fired. BTW: It's nice for The Times to
describe us a "scurrilous" in the same week as
"frequently scatological.
proud.
http://b3ta.
* FIZZY PISS - Afinkawan dribbles, "No, it's
not possible for carbonated drinks to turn your
piss fizzy. The carbon dioxide would become
carbonic acid (H2CO3) long before it was
expelled in your urine. Fizzy piss is far more
likely to be caused by proteins in your urine
due to a kidney infection or diabetes. I'd go
see a doctor if I was you."
* HOW MUCH CAN A PENCIL WRITE - s.bradshaw
scribbles, "The structure of graphite is layers
of carbon, where one layer at a time is rubbed
off onto the paper. The diameter of a carbon
atom is about 140 picometres (1.4e-10 m). Let's
say that the graphite rod in a pencil is about
1mm in diameter and about 15 cm long, giving it
a volume of around 4.5e-9 m^3, with a usable
volume of graphite (accounting for the distance
between layers) of about half this (2.3e-9).
Estimating that maybe 3 layers at a time are
rubbed off, if one is moderately heavy handed,
then the raised cross-sectional area of a
graphite mark on a piece of paper is about 3 *
1.4e-10 * 1e-4 = 4.2e-14 m^2.
(2.3e-9)/(4.
(metres per mile) = 37 miles, Hmmmm.... Not bad
and I didn't even cook the numbers (much)."
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: RED HOT PORK SANDWICH
Californication Portmanteau Game Results
Last week we invented a completely brilliant
game where we asked you to think of a place and
sexual act and combine them with the lost art
of portmanteau.
Your entries include:
* "Stoke-on-Trent boy, or Bangor till it hurts"
(SamTheMan)
* "Chicagoatse, and my fave Memphisting"
(Jabber)
* "Chelseamen swallower or Isle Of Doggy style"
(Big Al)
* "Sidcup the Arse" suggests jamessinden,
although we'd have gone with "Sidcup two
chicks..."
BTW: Fail of the week goes to rhcpaul who
writes, "I am contractually obliged to send an
email to correct your spelling of 'red hot
chili peppers' in newsletter 302" Apparently we
stuck 2 Ls in it. Happily we replied with "you
are a very sad man with an exceptionally small
penis."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* EDIBLE ALBUM COVERS - Dismantle a big mac and
press the baps to your ears, like some
hamburgery Craig David. Instantly, you are the
jacket of Born To Do It. Can you recreate other
classic covers, using common foodstuffs?
* REVERSE HEAT MAG - Snidey journalists are
always knocking celebs for the way they look
and dress, but we bet they have a few
easily-found embarrassing pics of their own - a
mere facebook search away. Why not stick a
bunch together to form your own cheap gossip
magazine - bonus points for getting a minor
celeb to write the mean captions about
cellulite and knobbly knees.
* FATTIES' ADVENT CALENDAR - A chocolate for
every day of the month, all year long.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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TANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel
with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
Darklord, Giles Thomas, Subject line from WS
woz ere. Other bits from songsforeveryone.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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SICKIPEDIA:
I live near a remedial school. There's a sign
on the road outside that says "SLOW CHILDREN".
That can't be good for their self-esteem.
http://www.sickiped
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