This Week:
* VID - Magic Otter translated
* SFX - Make your own 8-bit sounds
* APP - B3ta on your iPhone
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | 'We're typing
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | SAVE "WEB.BAS"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together'
B3ta dirty protest 463 - 21 Jan 2011
Read this issue via the HTTP protocol:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue463/
Subscribbles: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
UnSubscribbles: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? It's yours assuming you want to
bung us some cash.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Otters, Cats, Darth Vader and Horses
>> Magic Otter - The Translation <<
We're loving Slurpy J's voiceovers the memes of
the week. We particularly enjoyed The Great
Soprendo in the shape of an otter. Plus cat v
washing machine. Like Walk on the Wild Side but,
you know, actually good.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Magic_Otter_The_Translation
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_vs_Washing_Machine_The_Translation
>> Vader has some free time <<
The Dark Lord of the Sith kills some time in his
little techno-pod. Circa 1982. Black Moon wins
50 points for extended amusing geekery.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Vader_has_some_free_time
>> Horse with hands riding a bike <<
Horses are hard to draw, hands are hard to draw
and so are bikes. What better test of what makes
a man than to attempt all three? Hero of
Switzerland, we salute you.
http://horsewithhandsridingabike.blogspot.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bullshit and Bullshitters
Last week we asked for your experiences of the
sort of fantasists who joined the army at the
age of 12, shagged three hundred women and don't
sit at home on their mum's computer:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bullshit/
* PSEUDO KRAY TWIN TWATS - "Two brothers I used
to be in Sixth Form with were convinced they
were the rural West-Midlands equivalent of the
Krays. This mainly manifested itself through
low-level thievery and boasting about 'Drugs,
computer games that aren't out yet, anything
mate... we can even get you a shotgun.' A few
lads in the year actually believed them and
pooled their money to buy a shitload of weed
('top quality, mate, best you can buy. Bands
send up from London for it... honest') Next week
comes around. No weed. 'Yeah - we haven't been
round our man's yet. He's been having problems
with the pigs and he's got to lay low. Take it
easy.' End of the week. Still no weed. Some of
the lads ask for their money back. It's not
forthcoming. This being a small town - we
quickly find out from someone's mum who's a
copper, that the brothers had been robbed on a
local estate where they'd driven in their mum's
car and asked the first dodgy-looking bloke if
he could get them some weed. They had agreed to
HAND HIM THE MONEY while he disappeared into the
estate to pick up the drugs. Naturally, he'd
just fucked off. The best bit about it? They'd
reported it to the the police, and, after some
gentle prompting from a astute PC, admitted that
they had indeed been trying to buy drugs. The
older of the two had broken down crying because
he was convinced that he was going to get a
criminal record and wouldn't be able to get on
the catering course at the local college. They
both ended up having to get jobs in the local
supermarket to pay back the lost money... which
isn't very Gangsta when you think about it."
(SnowyTheRabbit)
* MR MAKEY-UPPY - "Not so long ago the company
for which I work hired an outside company to do
some work for us. It was all fine, except for
one guy who would never, ever, under any
circumstances admit he didn't know something.
When faced with a situation where he felt he
might show weakness by admitting ignorance, he
would either bluster for Britain or (more
usually) make up something or other that sounded
credible to him. This works in some types of
business but not when you need a precise
technical answer. I was bitching about this
idiot in the pub one evening but not doing a
great job of explaining to one of my Romanian
colleagues who didn't know what I meant by this
"bullshitting". "Okay," says I. "I'll give you
an example through the medium of role play." I
closed my eyes and, channelling Stanislavsky,
assumed the part of the fantasist contractor.
"Now, ask me a question to which I don't know
the answer." "Pineapplecharm," she said. "Are
you gay?" (pineapplecharm)
* GREEDY, CHILDISH LIES - "I used to love Sugar
Puffs, but found that the box didn't last nearly
long enough. So I told my brother that Sugar
Puffs were actually 'shaved bees', and soon
after discovered that a box would last much
longer. (Lord & Lady Pants)
>> This Week: DIY Surgery <<
Too embarrassed to go to the doctor with that
infection you picked up on holiday? Too manly to
ask for help? Do it yourself, it can't be that
hard, surely:
http://b3ta.com/questions/diysurgery/
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: BUY JOEL'S NEW ALBUM
It's "hammy"
Veitch writes, "It's called The Ham Machine -
the name and cover art being a very clever
tribute to kraftwerk for the 3 people who'll
get the joke - with some 7 Seconds of Love
stuff and a bunch of rathergood stuff, some old
classics and a bunch of new. 41 tracks! that's
fucking loads! " BTW: Is that Mrs CR3 we spot
on the cover, wearing bacon? Oh yes.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004I27H3Y/b3ta-21
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: SITES IN BEEFS
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Make your own 8-bit game SFX <<
Sound effect generator 'sfxr' rebuilt in Flash.
Ideal for making percussion noises for your
latest chiptune epic.
http://superflashbros.net/as3sfxr/
>> Lighter fun <<
Fun. With lighters. Now, we don't want to over
sell it, but this may well be the best thing
ever.
http://your-free-pictures.net/lighter-fun.html
>> Old school shitty web design <<
These was a time when stuff like this made us
angry, now we just feel nostalgic.
http://www.webking.com/
>> 3D Paintings on glass <<
Cute idea - paint the different 'slices' of an
images on different panes of glass and stick
them all together. Eerie effect.
http://goo.gl/Pzggz
>> Abandoned Russian space shuttle project <<
If you're stuck for tourist ideas, then you
could do worse.
http://goo.gl/NiflF
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: B3TA IPHONE APP
If you don't want to use Safari, use this:
Hurrah - it's B3ta app, written by Jon Grant.
Basically, use this if your mobile network has
blocked our site for its "mild/infrequent crude
humour and references to drink and tobacco use".
http://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/b3ta/id400451018?mt=8
BTW: This is project built by a site member
rather than a 100% official thing. So don't send
us bug reports but give them directly to Jon at:
http://twitter.com/jon4009
BTW2: Don't moan to us about Android. If you
want that then you're going to have to build it.
Any takers?
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Vids for me, myself and WiFi
>> GTA4 with the friction turned off <<
A vision of the future when we've all got
computer controlled cars then some shit writes a
virus to make them all drive like a mental?
Actually made us cough with laughter.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/GTA4_with_the_friction_turned_off
>> Fox News on Trolls <<
We're unsure watching this who is trolling who.
It's quite possible that Fox is trolling the
entire internet with this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gL599MlNVzY
>> If ad agencies did birthday parties <<
Although this assumes a higher opinion of ad
agencies' abilities than we currently hold - we
once sat on an industry awards thing where one
(nameless) agency had paid £1k to enter and
submitted their work which consisted of some
vandalism of Wikipedia that lasted 20 minutes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/If_ad_agencies_did_birthday_parties
>> This year's Snakes on a Plane? <<
It's the trailer for a film about a killer tyre
with telekinetic powers. It can only be
amazing. Or shit.
http://goo.gl/rRyMs
>> Cee Lo Green's 'Fuck You' (in sign language) <<
This girl has got the moves. She's well def.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cee_Lo_Greens_Fuck_You_signed_copy
>> I'm on crack <<
We've never taken crack, but after watching this
video we wonder if we're missing out. It looks
utterly fab.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_on_crack
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11:11 MEMORABLE DIGITAL TIMES
Because some numbers are just noticeable
We find certain times really ping out from
digital clocks, and once we start noticing them
it feel like we notice them everyday. This is
how people go mad and get obsessed with the
number 23 and stuff. But hopefully we're not
actually insane, and the Mi5 aren't really using
to send us secret messages.
* 11:11 - "There's a whole whackjob movement to
the 11:11 thing. if you google it you will be
cursing the nutters within minutes." (@cs192)
Also @Toastertron points out, "Better get the
insurance sorted then because your cock will
explode with excitement come 11/11/11 at
11:11:11"
* 12:34 - "Always worth staring at the clock for
an extra few seconds! Also 23:45" (via @rsracing)
* 13:37 - L33t o clock. We've even been known to
screengrab this on our phones and then feel a
bit tragic. @vidjam writes, "Absolutely, I too
am drawn by powers beyond my comprehension to
look at clocks at exactly 13:37."
* 0:07 - "Desmond Dekker Time. And James Bond is
putting it in now." (@tim_gillespie)
* 8:08 - "Always gets me in a State" (@steand)
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are
looking up skirts
* PHEEDOS - Say what you like about paedophiles,
well you can actually. It's not like anyone's
going to say, "I'm a paedophile and I'm offended
by that"
http://www.pheedo.com/
* FLAPPY FUN - Dr Mexico writes, "My friend's mum
says that the funny name thing in the newsletter
is the best bit. This is a funny name for a
book."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0781774926/b3ta-21
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: PURPLESTOCK REMINDER
Concert for Jessie / Nina
Kerry Mountain writes, "Any chance of a final
mention for #Purplestock in the newsletter?
Ta!" Ok then, PurpleStock will take place at the
Old Bell Hotel, Sadler Gate, Derby on Saturday
29 January 2011 at 15:00 and will go on until 3
o'clock Sunday morning.
http://www.purplestock.net
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Ghosts Challenge
Last week we wanted you to get all poltergeisty
on our ass
Your favourites included:
* BIRDS - heavyweight punnage featuring flocking
phantoms (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305149
* DIANA - in which the people's princess makes an
unexpected appearance (ALBIONISM)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305833
* PILLS - Pacman meets Indiana Jones in a
ghoulish Hollywood mash-up (Damocles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10305292
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ghosts/
>> New challenge: Pointless USB Devices <<
Invent the most pointless devices to make USB
compatible. Thanks to brown-wings for the
suggestion.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pointlessusbdevice/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ALBUM HOLE 2 - last year many of you
contributed to the album project of B3tan songs -
this year it's going to be even bigger.
DaveExclamationMark is organising it.
http://goo.gl/X7DNe
* KUNTY THANKS - carl_bailey writes, "Just
thought I'd say thanks to B3ta for their 'Kunt
for No.1' Christmas campaign. Saw him yesterday,
as a result of finding out about him through
lurking like a scary paedo on your website - and
he was fucking hilarious! :D"
* DIRTY MAC BRIGADE - seamusbourke helpfully
suggests, "If anyone with a Mac is having self
control problems with the internet, Self Control
seemingly blocks whatever you put on your black
list, and so far seems to be foolproof. You can
also change your hosts file, but that can be
undone too, and this doesn't change hosts, but
blocks site anyway."
http://visitsteve.com/made/selfcontrol/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Webby style Advance Wars
Matt 'Grim...' Squirrel writes, "It does seem
terribly ungentlemanly for my first suggestion
for the newsletter to have been something I did
myself, but there you go. Basically, it's a copy
of everyone's favorite turn-based war game
Advance Wars on the DS, but on the Internet,
with cows. It's in beta at the moment (heh), but
it's perfectly playable and, if I do say so
myself, ace."
http://www.space-cows.co.uk
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something wicked, fresh or fly and tell us
about it. If you are in it then you'll get
respec' in your hood. Nuff said.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* SHOES THAT CAN'T STEP IN DOG SHIT - not sure
how this could work, but please someone solve
this dreadful curse on our quality footware.
* AN EASY SYSTEM FOR ESTIMATING POSTAL CHARGES -
currently flogging a few things on eBay and
simply have no idea what the post office is
going to charge until we turn up.
* A PILL THAT MADE PEOPLE STAY PHYSICALLY ABOUT
AGED 30 FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES - as we've
concluded that's about the best age. Not too old
you look shit, and not too young that nobody
takes you seriously. Enjoy being 30, kids.
Send your e-turds via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: I'm going to give myself a huge pat on the
back. But then I'm a contortionist, into scat
and also a cow. Moo.
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Winners: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Whingers: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by artfulglv19,
@aleczandah, SnowyTheRabbit, MeekMan, Manic,
oAmadeuso, Matt Round, Damocles, loki7.co.uk,
jingle_man and Avast. Top Tippery by
stonersmurf. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Bourbon Fox.
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BONUS LINKY!
If you've got a mirror you can goatse up the new
50p design.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10311367
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TOP TIP:
Save yourself the bother of reading these Top
Tips by buying a copy of Viz, you bunch of
fucking cheapskates.
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