This Week:
* RAP - Why tea is great
* SONG - Made from *real* YouTube comments
* VID - Tetris the Movie!
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B3ta email 325 - 25 Apr 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.
Prescott's Diet: b3ta-subscribe@
McKeith's Diet: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
Paris must die
Croissant? Check. Stripy shirt and beret?
Check. 'The Idiot's Guide To Marcel Marceau'?
Check. Suitable attire and equipment for
combatting a monster hell-bent on destroying
the city of Paris? Now why the Dickens would I
need that?
http://tinyurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Tea, Comments, Cocks and Soap Opera Deaths
>> Tea rap <<
"Fill your cup with joy and dance till your
tea-bags burst," bids Moog. It's an odd,
extremely English rap about the wonders of tea.
Very good indeed.
http://b3ta.
>> The REAL YouTube comments song <<
"I watched the song made up entirely from
YouTube video comments that was posted in the
newsletter last week," snarls mysticmurray. "I
found it far too joyful, nice and unrealistic.
So I made my own version." Yup, this is far
more like the user comments we're used to.
Wonder how long it will stay up on YouTube with
that sort of language...
http://b3ta.
>> The Web - with added cocks <<
"My revolutionary program adds cocks to any
website!" ejaculates cr3 joyfully. And there
was universal rejoicing!
http://www.svamp.
>> 'Coffee and Croissants' <<
"I made this vid of Tad remixing Madge Bishop's
death scene for Harold," beams swedemason.
"It's from a Neighbours deaths remix EP I made
a while back. Other deaths included Todd
Landers and the mighty Jim Robinson heart
attack." Takes a little while to get going but
is thoroughly peculiar.
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Kids say the cuntiest things
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted your under-age lols.
http://www.b3ta.
* RUDE KID - 'Possibly the funniest thing I
ever heard about a kid comes from a colleague
of mine. Imagine the scene: breakfast, about
7am, mother and two-year-old son munching on
their toast. All is quiet... no sound save the
ticking of the clock. And then, apropos of
absolutely nothing, junior speaks.
"Mummy?"
"Yes, darling?"
"CUNT."' (Orin)
* JUNIOR DOGGING - 'My little lad was in the
toddling stage. Now, I didn't know that he had
learned how to climb out of his cot, but I
found out one Sunday morning when I was
enjoying my Sunday "lie in" with the Mrs. I was
really getting into the swing of it, when the
look of mild amusement on my Dearest's face
turned into shocked horror, as my cherubic
son's face appeared above my left shoulder, and
said "Hooray!! Go faster Daddy!!" I put a lock
on the bedroom door that afternoon.' (micmac)
* DRIVING - "My 7 year old goddaughter.
were all gathered round her dad's car getting
ready to leave, and she jumped in the driver's
seat to pretend that she was the driver.
Everyone sort of laughed and I said, "Go on,
show us all how Daddy drives". She grabs the
steering wheel, her face contorts into sudden
hatred and anger and she screams,
'Gerroutofthefuckin
youfuckinglookwhere
stupidcuntwhofuckin
seethatfuckingidiot
fuckingshowyouyoufu
happily kicking her little legs, toots the
horn. Never laughed so much in my life." (I
have run out of coke)
>> This Week's Question <<
When animals attack. Ok it's a bit SKY TV circa
1999, but Murdoch knows best.
http://www.b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Toys' inner robots <<
Gallery of the peculiar machinery lurking under
the fluff of those animated kids' toys. They
bear little resemblance to the outer shell,
although it's sometimes hard to decide which is
the creepier. Barney the Dinosaur is a
particularly good example.
http://www.mattkirk
>> Dog-to-unicorn transformation kit <<
Pretty much what it says in the title. It's the
little hoof-shoes that make it for us.
http://www.mcphee.
>> Hidden cock drawings <<
That school rough-book classic, a crudely-drawn
male member flimsily disguised as some other
sort of doodle. In this case, you can press a
button to reveal the rudeness underneath.
Checking out this site while ordering pizza the
other night led to Ginger Fuhrer Rob
inadvertently barking, "Show me penis!" down
the phone, which was highly mortifying.
http://peniscamoufl
>> Wikipedia edit map <<
A world map that shows the location of page
edits on wikipedia, almost in real time. A
nerdy treat.
http://www.lkozma.
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: RETRO GAMING TWITS
When forums turn nasty...
>> Did piracy kill Imagine? <<
Bit of a long read but worth it if you're
interested in the subject. Veteran games
marketer Bruce Everiss's blog musings about the
effects of computer game piracy spark a heated
debate, as extremely well-informed readers
move in to shoot him down.
http://snipurl.
>> Hitchhiker's II game back story <<
Data salvaged from a discarded hard drive
reveals the scrambling and back-biting as the
bottom fell out of Infocom's planned sequel its
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy game.
Interestingly, people involved in the actual
events pop up in the comments section to give
their own take on it.
http://snipurl.
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: B3TARDED JOBS
Not just lols, we want to give you work
>> Photoshop for the MI5 <<
B3tards! Want to put your photoshopping skills
to good use for queen and country? Why not
join the spooks and stick cocks on Muslims'
heads for fun and profit!
http://www.mi6.
>> Sex-Worker Re-Entry Co-ordinator <<
Who says working for the council is dull?
Absolutely priceless.
http://www.hips.
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: THE GREAT B3TA CASH MACHINE DEBATE
Can you get free cash or what?
Last week we asked whether it was possible to
rip off the bank by withdrawing money from a
cash point, removing one of the notes and
letting the machine swallow the rest back up.
Caused a full mail bag, comments include:
* STUDENT LOSER SAYS NO - "I did this a lot
when I was a poor student about 12 years ago
- but got stung big time. It is true that if
you request £50, you can slip the middle note
out (either a £10 or £20) and then wait a
minute, before the cash is pulled back in and
the withdrawal cancelled. The perfect crime,
so I thought. Only I started to get greedy
and do it to every ATM on the way home after
nights out. I would be getting pissed and
waking up with £50 more in my pockets than I
went out with. This went on for about 6 weeks
before the bank cottoned on and I suddenly
found that about £800 vanished from my
account overnight. I had already spent the
cash, so was financially fucked for the rest
of the term." (son of crazymum)
* STAFFER SAYS NOT ANYMORE - "About a year
ago I did a stint testing ATMs for the
Halifax. The banks got wise to that one a
long time ago. Any money you see gets
debited, whether you take it or whether it
returns inside for Howard to gleefully press
against his lovely warm cockflaps."
(cheesymarmite)
* CASH MACHINE CODER GETS DEFINITIVE - And
we'll quote this in full, "It is true than
money is indeed retracted into a divert bin
if it is not taken within a specified time.
"In NCR (NDC+) and Diebold-based ATMs (the
most popular message protocol by far), the
ATM will deliver a status message to the host
computer informing the host that a retract
operation was performed. However, the number
of notes retracted is NOT reported and an
automatic reversal of the transaction is not
performed. A bank clerk will open the divert
cassette at the start of the next business
day and record how many notes were retracted.
"The bank's standpoint is that once the money
is presented to you in the open air, that
money is your responsibility. If you do not
take the money, and it is retracted, then you
will need to pick up the matter with your
bank in order to get the money back. It is
not automatically re-credited.
"If the amount of your complaint agrees with
the amount diverted to the divert cassette,
and this agrees with the ATM reporting a
retract at the correct date and time, then
you will usually be credited.
"If, however, you attempt to remove one note
from the bundle of notes, and they are
retracted -- then you subsequently try to
claim the full amount back -- you will (at
best) be only credited with the number of
notes which were retracted, or (at worst) be
prosecuted for attempted fraud." (Cheerful
Attic Spider, B3ta user and Product
development director for ACI Worldwide,
developer of BASE24, the world leader in ATM
transaction processing software.)
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
VHS or B3tamax?
>> Tetris The Movie <<
It's a genuinely brilliant gag, not just
because the concept of a Tetris movie is funny,
but because these guys have nailed the precise
approach Hollywood would take. From the
portentous narration ("Life is just...
blocks... trying to fit together to make
lines... and that's... who we are."), to the
cheesy futurism, to the hilarious
reconceptualisation of Tetris as an extreme
sport, to the scene where an impressive new
competitor takes off his helmet to reveal that
he is a she, it's perfect, and totally
familiar. Not to mention the fact that it gets
the trailer format down pat: the text appearing
as Russian before turning into English, the
generic rock soundtrack, the triumphant last
Tetris drop followed by the title screen - it's
an almost transcendent parody. (Thanks to
Helmsdeep for this more analytical write up
than usual.)
http://black20.
>> Vote Zippy for London Mayor <<
Here at B3ta HQ we make no apologies for our
love of Ken and loathing of Boris. Most of this
is based on our liking for buses and on Boris's
silly, posh voice and wanker's haircut. We must
confess that we hadn't really listened to any
of their speeches as intently as when they were
turned into puppets. Fat, pink, bumbling Boris
becomes fat, pink, bumbling George, the Lib Dem
one becomes Bungle while Ken becomes Zippy and
gets the best lines. Weirdly, of course, this
also makes Jeremy Paxman into Geoffrey.
http://snipurl.
>> Human Tetris <<
The second Tetris link and this one is by the
French. We've seen a lot of video game stop
motion stuff, but this is a particularly fine
example. And all the more surprising, coming as
it does from the nation known for eating
horses, wearing berets and worst of all, mime.
http://www.youtube.
>> Exorcist spiderwalk <<
Pretty much doing what it says on the tin, and
not something to try at home unless you're bit
of a amateur gymnast. We don't want to be
responsible for the premature deaths of any
internet fatties trying to recreate this.
http://www.youtube.
>> Cockatoo Dancing <<
Backstreet Boys, according to wikipedia (and we
just had to check), are still a going concern.
So here's hoping that they sign up our
feathered friend for the next world tour. And
don't be surprised if their rider includes a
box of trill, a cuttle-fish and a mirror with
bells on.
http://www.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring 'things that look like cocks quarterly'
* YET ANOTHER PHALLIC LOGO - a great new
entry, complete with hands that lovingly cup
the shaft.
http://www.assistic
* YET ANOTHER PHALLIC LOGO #2 - it would be
amiss to not mention this governmental stickman
wanking off, which has been sent in about 50
times to b3ta, 5 times to your Ginger Fuhrer's
personal inbox and has even been stalking us on
facebook / twitter et al.
http://www.theregis
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Beatles Challenge
Last week we wanted you to manipulate The
Beatles.
Your favourites included:
* DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION #9 - look at the
little fellows move! (Caustic Armadillo)
http://www.b3ta.
* TWO VIRGINS - appalling yet strangely alluring
sex-swap travesty (M3Essential)
http://www.b3ta.
* TOES - we think Paul is the second one from
the right, but we're not sure (rjmrjm)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Extreme Gladiators <<
They're bringing back Gladiators and spicing it
up with new challenges, more spandex etc. What
could they do to *really* amp it up? Challenge
suggested by kenriise.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PENIS LAMP SHADE - Josh04 ejaculates, "One of
my mates held a particularly decadent party a
few months ago, and was most unsettled when he
woke up in the morning (two days later) and
found that someone had drawn a large cock
across his light-bulb, rather effectively
projecting it onto his wall. He never did find
out who'd done it." We blame b3tards.
* STARBUCKS VS MCDONALDS DEBATE RUMBLES ON -
Rushy splutters through full-fat foam, "I think
Starbucks probably clinch it as you get free
sugar. Once you've bought the coffee with the
highest calorific value, just nick all the
sugar and boost your calories even further!"
Yes, Rushy, but in MaccyD's you can get
unlimited free ketchup. And special mayo if you
ask nicely.
* PILLOW STAIN ANALYSIS, SexualCarrots writes,
"A bed saleswoman once told me the stains on
your pillows are from your sweat mixing with
dust mite poo." Whilst therealwtf counters
with, "Your sweat and drool turns brown due to
the zillions of bacteria and creatures which
live in the pillow and eat said sweat/drool and
leave behind residue."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MILKY DUCK - we invented a cocktail for
tramps earlier this week, based upon what we
were buying from Coop. Containing both milk and
toilet duck, we'd like you to have a go, take
photos but possibly not drink it. Unless you
want to score maximum points that is.
* GROWING WEIRD-SHAPED FRUIT - Japanese
consumers have recently been offered square
watermelons, grown in glass boxes. Surely YOU
could do better? Cock-shaped bananas? Carrots
with tits? Pumpkins with built-in faces for
Halloween?
* SEXY WOMEN TO GIVE US MONEY - oops, sorry,
caught us day-dreaming again.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by gronkpan, Chopper3,
keepbritaintidy, thefoggypoo, lilsinister,
seekew, centurion_07, zh84, bobloblaw,
communiq-8, adm105 Subjlols via The Great
Architect. Masthead minilol via Cockweasle.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. WOO
to b4ta.
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TOP TIP:
If your little brother is doing his 'oh so
important' GCSE coursework..
autocorrect function in Word, and replace
"Analysis" with "Anal Sex". 9 times out of 10
they won't notice until they've handed it in.
(Furness)
http://www.b3ta.
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NOT VERY SICKIPEDIA BUT WE LIKE IT:
My mate Sid was a victim of ID theft. He's
just called S now.
http://www.sickiped
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