...a popular black singer who was a hit with all the
chicks - STROKE! - damn right!
This Week:
* EXPERIMENT - Electric kettle vs. gas hob
* WIN - Write a limerick and nab Joel's Album
* WEEBL - tribute to Ladytron
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 341 - 15 Aug 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Too hung over on Saturdays to play football?
The Premiership kicks off on Saturday, so sign
up to The Times Fantasy Football and pick your
team today. You have £100milion to spend on
players from the Prem and SPL. Register a team
for £3, or get 3 teams for 6 quid. The prize
fund is £100,000
http://tinyurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Scrambled webs, boiled water, Weebl & limericks
>> Interweb anagrammator <<
"You've probably all seen the 'Paomnnehel
pweor of the hmuan mnid' text before," blurts
xlcus, "but now you can try reading your
favourite websites in the same style!" This is
fricking awesome, although reading the b3ta
message-board through it made our eyes hurt
after a bit.
http://readingtest.
>> Electric kettle vs. gas hob <<
JimM steps into the surprisingly controversial
debate 'is it cheaper to boil water via kettle
or hob?' "A kettle is more efficient, but
since gas is about a quarter of the price of
electricity, it's cheaper to make a cup of tea
using gas. The difference is a whopping 0.4p."
And blow us down if he hasn't gone and done an
experiment to prove it!
http://snipurl.
>> Weebl and Bob <<
Peculiarly, Jonti brings us his take on
Ladytron's You Destroy Everything You Touch
vid. Weebl and Bob are snowy mountains, they
sing about pie.
http://www.weebls-
>> Win Joel's album! <<
Just by jotting down a quick (and preferable
obscene) limerick you could win one of five
signed copies of the swanky new Seven Seconds
of Love album. For those who prefer their
albums unbesmirched by band members' inky
scrawls, here's a direct link to grab it from
amazon too!
http://b3ta.
http://www.amazon.
------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
There will be Blood
As part of our occasional series on bodily fluids,
we wanted your bloody stories:
http://b3ta.
* PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND - "I used to live three guys
and another girl. Sarah had issues with Alice,
the girlfriend of one of the guys, Jay. We never
discovered why, but S would badmouth A when she
wasn't there and ignore her when she was. [Duh,
she was in love with J, Ed.] Alice would stay over
a fair amount but the rest of us got on with her
fine as she was doing a catering course and had a
real passion for cooking. Sarah was out drinking,
we'd stayed in getting drunk. And high. And then
we got the munchies. Rummaging in the kitchen we
discovered two of those little bottles of fake
blood. "Oooh" thought our twisted drunken minds,
"Fun!" Fun translated into throwing blood at each
other and all over the kitchen, posing for pictures
with blood stained knives and so on. Then the door
bell rang and Alice arrived, somewhat confused by
us looking like we had been mauled by werewolves.
More drinking and smoking and we must have passed
out because the next thing I remember was a scream
and a loud thud. Turns out Sarah has arrived home,
seen us covered in blood and unmoving in the lounge
then gone into the kitchen where Alice was cleaning
the blood off the knives and walls, instantly
concluded that Alice was a psycho knife welding
maniac murderer, screamed, turned to run out the
house, misjudged it and smacked into the door frame
knocking herself clean out. As the only sober person,
Alice then had to drive Sarah to the hospital with
Jay. He reported the journey as being uncomfortably
hilarious, although the girls did get on slightly
better afterwards." (The Grammar Badger)
* NO LONGER BLONDE - "My best friend at school had
a heart defect which meant regular cardiovascular
tests at Gt Ormond Street Hospital that needed a
healthy chum for comparison. After hours of blowing
into tubes and running on treadmills we were rewarded
with a trip to Madame Tussauds. We were very impressed
by waxworks of such heroes as Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Mel Gibson. Then my friend started a nosebleed
(a not uncommon occurrence for him), but his mother
was out of sight and we had no tissues between us.
Thinking quickly, we followed signs to the bathroom
as blood began to seep between the fingers clenched
over his nose. Spotting an exit we dashed into a
stairwell where, finally giving up, my friend leant
over the rail and released his nose. An impressive
fountain of blood gushed forth, but surely here it
could do no harm? Unfortunately, the stairwell was
not empty. Closer inspection revealed a flexible
metal ladder descending from the ceiling above, and,
dangling one floor below us as if from a helicopter,
her trademark turquoise jumpsuit slowly staining
purple and her lovely blonde hair now soiled with
blood and snot, was the pride of Madame Tussauds'
waxwork collection - the legendary Anneka Rice."
(wellgroomedwookiee
* I GO WITH HO'S - "The bloodmobile had come to
town and I was explaining to my team at work why I
couldn't donate blood. Me: "I've recently had
inoculations so they couldn't use my blood."
Michelle: "Me too, they said I could give blood in
a year or so though." Paul: "I couldn't give blood
because I've recently had the 'flu." Ian: "They
didn't want my blood because I've had sex with
prostitutes.
and our manager spat coffee over his keyboard."
(Colonel Dracula)
>> This Week's Question <<
What priceless junk have you lost because someone
just threw it out?? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Periodic table of awesoments <<
Useful reference to the 118 fundamental
"awesoments" that compose all good things. You
can predict how awesoments will interact by
their relationship and position on the table.
http://www.dapperst
>> Internet meme time line <<
Comprehensive chronological arrangement of
major internet memes. It's interesting looking
back through to those olden days, when a
dancing baby and a coffee pot were sufficient
to hold the world rapt. We vainly tried to
scroll into the future and save work compiling
next week's newsletter.
http://www.dipity.
>> Wooden mirror <<
Still using glass mirrors? Ha! You loser! Wood
is for the win!
http://snipurl.
>> Inanimate faces <<
You know your car? That post-box? Your stereo?
The plug socket? The zip on your trousers?
They're ALL LAUGHING AT YOU! Put on your
tinfoil hat!
http://flabbergaste
>> eBay dirty laundry in public <<
Scorned wife puts up an auction purely for the
purpose of telling the world of her husband's
cheating ways. AAA++ amusing read. Probably
would not buy again though.
http://snipurl.
>> The quest for every beard <<
This hirsute chap has made it his goal to grow
and wear every type of facial hair ever to be
catalogued. Basically, he's saved you months
of effort to look like a dick-head - some
styles are decidedly inferior to a naked chin.
http://www.dyers.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
You've Been Framed's rejected clips
>> Dark Knight trailer by kids <<
Promo for the latest Batman offering, acted
entirely by children. Cute stuff. Next, an
advert for Bugsy Malone performed by capering
pensioners.
http://www.b3ta.
>> The Electronic Frontier 1993 <<
BBC Two documentary from Ye Olde Days of Yore.
Fascinating glimpse of the pre-Web techie
world with people talking about 'email' and
'personal computers' and fearing the soaraway
growth of something called 'Microsoft'.
http://snipurl.
>> Barack Roll <<
A surprising amount of work has gone into
chopping Obama footage to make a splendid new
Rickroll. Truly, there's a frightening pool of
misapplied talent out there.
http://www.youtube.
>> Grandpa John's electric pickle <<
Earnest science-type metaphor for allowing the
power of Christianity into your life. We hope
we are never touched by Jesus - it makes your
juices boil out of you as your head catches on
fire.
http://www.youtube.
>> Slow-mo lightning <<
Great lightning bolts crawl across the sky
like big fat snakes. Clearly filmed by someone
with a better camera than ours, it has made us
want to stand out in the garden all night, in
the hopes of photographing something amazing.
http://snipurl.
>> Animal fights really rock <<
Rambling commentary on the foibles of YouTube
clips that has its cake and eats it. Includes
many, many animals attacking and killing each
other with glee, just as Mother Nature
intended.
http://current.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Happy as a dog with three (count them!) cocks
>> China's diving cock <<
The logo for diving events at the Beijing
Olympics rises proudly from the waters like a
meaty Excalibur.
http://snipurl.
>> Billy McAnally <<
80s Playgirl pinup with a curiously strange
name - something for the ladies. Uh, NSFW btw.
Not that we were looking.
http://snipurl.
>> The giant knob forest <<
Local myth says that if a couple sleep in the
clearing at the head of the shaft, when they
awake they will be covered in pine-smelling
cum.
http://nytoo.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Recession Challenge
Last week we wanted to see how life would
be changed by recession.
Your favourites included:
* TELETEXT - b3ta is one of the first to feel
the pinch (kingsuperspecial)
http://www.b3ta.
* McQUEEN - our monarch takes to life
behind the counter with great dignity
(starkandy)
http://www.b3ta.
* NOTHING - nothing (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: The Saddest Picture Ever <<
This week's challenge is simple: make
us cry. We want to see the saddest
picture in the world, ever.
Challenge suggested by doctor dyslexia.
http://www.b3ta.
------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* RE: RETARDEX - "My dentist recommended
'Retardex' mouthwash," grins Colonel Dracula.
"At the following check-up after 6 months of
using Retardex she told me my teeth were
perfect and gave me a sticker with a big smiley
face that said 'Patient of the day'. I am a
31-year-old accountant, but I went back to work
proudly wearing my sticker grinning like a
mong. I still have the sticker. If I don't get
a sticker next time I might just throw a
tantrum."
* DISSOLVING OYSTER CARDS and sticking them in
watches or magic wands, as recommended a few
issues back, could land you with a fine.
Apparently it's now "the latest craze", which
must make the ticket barriers fun at rush hour.
http://snipurl.
* THE WAR ON TERROR BOARDGAME is dangerous -
official! A copy of b3tard Andrew Sheerin's
satirical game has been confiscated by police
as part of a climate change protesters' weapons
cache.
http://snipurl.
* WEBCAM AIR DRUMKIT - "Saw an interesting air
drum idea in your last issue... so... I thought
I would have a go, raps Wayne. "Try: waving
crazy hands or 'standing in the middle' of shot
or pointing cam at desk and fingers." Didn't
work for us - maybe your luck will be better.
http://glulogic.
* RECTAL CANCER IS NOT FUNNY snarls
neilasharples. "I would not wish it on anyone.
So ya fucking weirdos I hope your balls turn
black, shrivel and disappear up yer arses." Ah
well, can't please all of the people all of the
time. "Consider me unsubscribed,
somewhat redundantly.
------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Write a flash game and win £5k
The competition at E4 continues, and your
newsletter team are in week 3 of writing their
game. We're doing this to encourage YOU to
enter, if that's not clear enough!
http://www.e4.
Looking for an actual game rather than our sexy
blitherings? Then try this - it's mental.
http://b3ta.
------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CAPITAL ONE CARD PRINTING - you can now and
your images printed on your credit card. The
T&Cs basically say nothing naughty, so can you
game it? We reckon the trick is to use
symbolism that is obscure to the average
punter, e.g. The Shocker.
http://en.wikipedia
* MAKE A BULLDOG OUT OF BULLDOG CLIPS - but
watch out, he nips.
* SELLOTAPEY FOOD EXPERIMENT - store your food
by wrapping it in sellotape instead of cling
film. How long does it stay fresh? What does it
taste like? When you get your sandwiches out at
work, what looks do you get?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
------------
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------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Phlegmcake,
lusoman, We are the lemon, john s duffy,
TommyShanks, and sarahahahah. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via the
great architect.
------------
TOP TIP:
Authors! Get your book mentioned in the B3ta
newsletter by name-checking us in your novels.
'Tartan noir' writer Christopher Brookmyre has
done just that in crime satire A Snowball in
Hell. The serial killer protagonist posts proof
of his crimes on t'internet. "Christ," he
comments, "The guys at B3ta were using stills
from the video for sick jokes an hour after it
went up."
http://www.amazon.
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SICKIPEDIA:
I'm one of those people that likes to have a
shit while I'm reading. This is also the reason
why I'm banned from Waterstones.
http://www.sickiped
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