This Week:
* DISGUSTING FOOD - Deep-fried pizza
* SCARY ANIM - Fear Mzungu!
* WEIRD TITLE - Revealed in full
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B3ta email 343 - 29 Aug 2008
Read this issue in your boozer:
http://b3ta.
Lager: b3ta-subscribe@
Lemonade: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
Put headline here
From B3ta superstar / TV whore sell-out director
Ben Wheatley comes an unboxing video for Samsung's
iPhone killer. It has already been plastered all
over the boards, but since this slot has been paid
for CLICK THE BASTARD LINK. Go on.
http://www.youtube.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Pizza, Veitch being mad and crap game reviews
>> Deep-fried pizza <<
There's two substances that flow through a
Scotsman's veins: heroin and lashings of tasty
cholesterol. Props to Jared Earle for following
up his Munchy Box photos of yesteryear with
this deep-fried pizza. You'll get fat fingers
from even clicking the link. Tuck in, B3tards.
http://blog.
>> Fear the mighty MZUNGU! <<
Veitch blithers, "Years ago, my dad, who as you
know is very hairy, large and fearsome, came
back from a long trip to Uganda, sporting a
tshirt, on which was emblazoned the single word
'MZUNGU'. This name stuck, but specifically
for use in his fearsome and terrifying periods.
In the same way as Bruce Banner has a different
name when he's the Hulk, dad has a different
name for when he is Mzungu. The song basically
came from that. If anyone is getting too jovial
or frivolous, you must summon Mzungu to CRUSH
them." Um, yes. Nice
http://rathergood.
>> Dr Ashen reviews... <<
Our man Ashen is big on reviewing the cheapest
game tech he can find - and this week he excels
himself with some kind of rubbish 3D goggles
that redefine what the word 'crap' means.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Julie Moult is an Idiot <<
Found our subjectline a little confusing this
week? Politcal obessesive Manic explains it in
full.
http://www.bloggerh
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Are you gullible?
Last week we offered a £50 prize for the best
story. Yeah, like there'd be a "best" story.
In fact most of you spent ages trying to get
others to visit the I Love Horses website:
http://b3ta.
* MARGE-ASSED HOUND - "There was a young girl
where I used to work who spent the day obviously
upset about something. I asked what was up and
she told me the courts had ordered that her pet
dog had to be destroyed because it would not
stop barking and the neighbours had complained.
Apparently they had tried everything, muzzles,
drugs, but the dog would not stop. Without
taking a moment to think about it I told her
to cheer up because all she needed was a tub
of margarine. She looked at me with hope in her
eyes as I explained that if she examined her
dog's sphincter when it was barking she would
notice that it clenched with every bark. All
she needed to do was smear the dog's ass with
the marge and it would not be able to "get a
grip" and therefore would not be able to bark.
I added weight to the theory by adding that it
had to be margarine as the dog was likely to
lick its ass, so had to be edible. She immediately
left work, bought a tub of flora and scuttled
off home. Next day, even more upset, she told
me that the margarine thing hadn't worked despite
the fact that she had "even put some inside"."
(TriedItOnceAndDidn
* CLUCKING IDIOT - "Broooooooooooooooo ck bock
bock bock bock, I clucked excitedly, answering
the phone one day when I was about 13 to a lovely,
if chavvy, lady from KFC. She said that they
were having a contest to see how many times you
could cluck in a minute, and the winner got £500
and free KFC for a month. I threw myself into it
with a vengeance, clucking for England. After
about 15 seconds and 150 clucks, I was happily
confident about my clucking abilities, but by
30 seconds and 300 clucks, I suddenly got
suspicious. How were they counting these? As I
faltered, there was a gap in my clucking and
through the silence, I heard the sound of stifled
laughter getting louder and louder. The nice
lady was a so-called friend from my class, and
she had half the year there listening to me
squawking like a muppet." (rachelswipe)
* LARGE NUMBER 2 PLEASE - "My Missy was ordering
us a Thai takeaway on the telephone when I
scribbled a last minute order on a Post-It note:
"Ask them if they've got any Phat Kok" The lady
on the other end of the phone was laughing so
much the call had to be terminated." (kingnutter)
>> This Week's Question <<
How did you get your loved on to go out with
you? Did you crash and burn or was it all
romantic? Were the beer goggles particularly
strong that night?
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> If sexy means ugly then this is sexy <<
Aha - the internet returns to its roots: coming
a fast 10 years on the heel of Fugly and Fat
Chicks in Party Hats, this blog site proves the
internet basic that ugly people = cheap lols.
http://renz-
>> One-legged porn star <<
"I was googling for porn," confesses wanking
hobbyist Fred Lemon, "and I found photos of
this delightful young lady, a tattooed Suicide
Girl named Amina Munster. After shuffling out
some quick custard, I noticed there was
something odd about her foot: it was peeling,
like paint might peel off an old chair. A quick
web search later returns a revealing interview
with this one-legged beauty. Apparently she's
missing fingers too. Woo hoo."
http://www.bmezine.
>> Google results for <x> girls <y> cups <<
This cartoon was everywhere this week, so why
not have it in the B3ta newsletter too? BTW:
Speaking of shock sites that refuse to die, we
enjoyed the shout-out on brilliant TV show, 30
Rock, "It's not a lemon party if there's no old
Dick." Well done, those writers - please
reference Tub Girl in series three.
http://xkcd.
>> Like Guitar Hero, but for God botherers <<
Think Guitar Hero but less AC/DC and more
Christian rock. If you're not in heaven already
at that thought, then damn us to hell that we
have no video to show you.
http://snurl.
>> YouTubeSnob - nice idea <<
Sick of awful comments on YouTube?
Twats-be-gone with this handy Firefox extension
which hides everything with bad spelling and
poor grammar. Thankfully there's no version
available for our charmless missives else we
might be mute.
http://www.chrisfin
>> Lego Stonework <<
Art or vandalism? What kind of cretin replaces
broken mortar in churches with lego? An arty
cretin that's who.
http://snurl.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Cat Sleeping Positions
Themed photo collections of cats come and go;
cats in bowls, cats in sinks etc. And here's a
new take on it; all the odd positions kitties
sleep in. Also an ideal link for a young man to
send to a lady to persuade her he's got a soft,
sensitive side rather than just being a smelly
rapist.
http://www.zuzafun.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Insert weak joke here if you be arsed
>> Looking in the Mirror at Myself <<
Catchy song and escalating acts of self
vandalism from this bloke who is very satisfied
with whatever he sees in the mirror. And we've
all done it.
http://b3ta.
>> Scary, happy druggie <<
Public service ad about a harmful addiction to
dust removers can be, takes a very frightening
musical turn as severely fucked-up girl
explains that she's "walking on sunshine".
(Sent in by Spunky Backpack who wishes b3tards
to take up the sport of solvent sniffing.)
http://www.i-
>> Gromit scat video <<
Archive footage from Wallace's early days
house-training his canine chum.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Richard Dawkins hatemail <<
The popular atheist reads aloud some choice
morsels from his mailbag, with obvious glee. He
also does that thing of reading misspellings
out phonetically, which made us warm to him.
Even if he is a foul blasphemer and will burn
in Hell.
http://b3ta.
>> Lord of the Dancey Dance <<
Hapless hobbit Frodo Baggins gazes into the
enchanted water, only to see a horrifying
vision of his future. He is a guest on cult
kids' show Yo Gabba Gabba.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Biffy Clyro's Killing In The Name Of <<
Live radio cover of Rage Against the Machine's
evergreen anthem. The singer leaves a nice big
gap where the swearwords should go and you can
see the band chortling with satisfaction as the
audience handily supplies the missing lyrics.
http://snurl.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Robots in History
Challenge
Your favourites included:
* TRENCH - tales of courage, despair and great
big fuck-off robots during the Great War (The
magic of chutney)
http://www.b3ta.
* STEAMPUNK - Mr Dalek gets the Victorian tank
treatment (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.
* RUNBOT - run! run! it's the attack of the
retro computer (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Mouse Traps! <<
The standard mousetrap is a design classic, but
we think it can be improved on. This week's
challenge is to do just that: we want a better,
more efficient, 21st Century trap. Challenge
suggested by The Hedgehog From Hell.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* LONDON LOO SEARCH - The developers of
NYC-based toilet search engine Diaroogle have
been in touch to aid our public pooing
proclivities. "As a sign of appreciation, we
decided to build a London version. It only has
3 toilets so far, compared to the 125 listed in
the NYC version. But hopefully the great people
of London can fix that." Yay! We think.
http://london.
* LEGO CAN NO CAN DO - "Your idea of a Lego
watering can is full of holes," spouts
Smallbrainfield. "I used to make Lego into
ships and submarines when I was a kid and
invariably the Lego would leak. You would have
to seal each brick or coat the inside of the
watering can, which sounds like cheating to
me." We suspect that you simply have weak and
puny wrists, unlike our own manly extrusions.
* PIXLR LIKES THE WIFE - We featured their
online flash image editor last week and offered
them £5 and a go on the wife if we could
acquire it. They write on their blog that they
"must confess it is really hard to say no." Mrs
Fuhrer is well chuffed.
http://pixlr.
* BOIL WATER IN A MICROWAVE? Not unless you
like pain. Stranger warns, "When
water is heated in the microwave it doesn't
bubble like in a kettle, or pot, if the inner
surface of the container is smooth (like a
cup). So when the surface of the water is
broken, it shoots upwards. If you have to boil
water in a microwave, put a kebab stick, or
lollipop stick in it; something to break the
surface tension." And he isn't just flapping
his gums; look, a Snopes article too!
http://www.snopes.
* GULLIBLE, US? ks26milw writes to inform us
that the old "gullible isn't in the dictionary"
gag that we used for last week's question of
the week is a misuse of the word gullible. "The
gag should more appropriately have been with
friends telling you that the word 'skeptical'
isn't in the dictionary, and when you went to
check, they'd all point fingers and jibe:
'Hahahaha! You're skeptical!'" Hmm. We'll take
that information with a pinch of salt.
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: FRIDAY GAME
E4 Game thingie
Please make puzzles! We've connected an early
version of our cat-killing, flame-dodging
Sokoban game Psycho Fireman to a wiki to allow
you to create your own levels - we'd love you
to join in. JOIN US.
http://www.b3ta.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A LEGO PENIS FUCKING A MECCANO VAGINA -
Christ this bit of the newsletter is hard to
write.
* AN INKJET PRINTER THAT WILL PRINT MONEY -
we're telling you out brains are hurting. Ouch.
* USB LEOPARD THAT CHANGES ITS SPOTS WHEN FULL
OF DATA - we give up. Please send us better
ideas.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by English Bob and
vain_imaginations. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlos via the board.
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TOP TIP:
When we started the top-tip section our aim was
to run real tips rather than VIZ-style gags.
However, this is simply not what people send
us. We are what YOU want us to be, we suppose.
Anyway, here's a handful that have tickled us
recently:
* Racist lols! Try the Korean meatballs.
They're the dog's bollocks! (oneinthepink)
* Girls! Tired of having to do gymnastics to
trim your mimsy hair? The solution is simple!
Squat over an upturned garden strimmer and hey
presto! not only a tidy quim, but an absence of
razor marks and blocked plugholes! (Smash
Monkey)
* Condoms! Don't buy ribbed condoms. Buy
regular condoms and fill them with ball
bearings. (Maudlin McCann)
These and many other gags of variable quality,
as usual, on the actual top tips section:
http://www.b3ta.
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SICKIPEDIA:
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At
the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly
to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel
is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are
into.
http://www.sickiped
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