This Week:
* R KELLY - and his musical twitching
* TRENT REZNOR - Call Me Maybe mashup
* YOKO ONO - lalalala uh uh uh uh eeeeow!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Fuck knows if the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | is worth saving but
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| it is occasionally fun"
B3ta email 571 - 8 Mar 2013
Read this issue pretending to be a Dalek:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue571
Pub : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unpub : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: AMAZON TAT (sponsored link)
Rotten products & dumb reviews
* JOHN LESLIE GREETING CARDS - lots of shouting
this week about a t-shirt with a rapey slogan
on it - the joy of basically making products
via algorithm and being too tight to vet for
offensiveness. Not quite as extreme, this
example - but tricky to see how to send without
causing offense.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007MXYWVG/b3ta-21
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lyrics, R Kelly and ponies
>> R Kelly Cut <<
"Good morning," greets swedemason. "I butchered
R Kelly's Jools Holland performance." An epic,
slightly smug musical steam-train; if you only
click one item out of the b3ta section, make it
this 'un.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/R_Kelly_Cut
>> A history of lyric videos <<
"I did some fancy dynamic typography - and made
a Brief History of Lyric Videos!" growls Tom
Scott, tracking the graphics trend so beloved
of today's hip and groovy record company
executives.
http://youtu.be/3P0BKrOlBVM
>> Moonwalking Shetland Pony: The Sequel <<
"Fighting off raging hangovers made us a little
bit sick of that dancing pony," explains
Cope&Dalton. We'd like that particular ad a lot
more if it had actually been for Scottish
tourism, not trying so hard to shout "we make
viral! lol!"
http://bit.ly/X3bpkD
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Where did it all go wrong?
Last week we wanted to know the tipping point
that pushed your life downhill:
http://b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/
* DOG - "I sent a CV for a job last week. I
re-read it again today and as a placeholder in
the skills section I'd written 'I once fucked a
puppy' until I could think of a final skill to
round it out. Then had forgotten to replace it.
I've not heard back from them yet. It's a nice
job and would allow me to work in a country I
want to live. Maybe this will be where it all
went wrong." (cumquat may)
* DAD - "When I spotted two young women in
micro-skirts walking towards me one November
evening the first thought that crashed across
my mind was, 'I bet their legs are cold.'
I was 39."
(Larry Death)
* DUDS - "A young Emvee had been encouraged
by his school to apply to Oxford and, with
an interest in doing PPE at Jesus College, I
attended an open day. I liked the university
and understood that if the 'informal' chat
with the Professor went well I'd be offered
a place, so, along with about 20 others, I
trooped into his study. He'd just got into
his introduction when there was a knock at
the door and this girl arrived late. She was
a 10, no question, with beautiful brunette
hair, lovely face and a stunning body - I
was more or less smitten at first sight.
Being late, there weren't any chairs left.
The Professor rummaged around behind his
desk and managed to find her a small stool
to sit on directly opposite me. Even though
she was wearing a long skirt, it had a split
up the middle at the front. This and my 18
year-old libido were to prove my downfall as
it allowed me a perfect view of her knickers.
There I was, musing happily to myself, "Mmm,
they're white, they're lacy and I can just
about see a little bit of bush behind them"
when I realised the study had gone quiet
and everyone seemed to be looking at me.
I'd been asked a question about the European
Union or some such shit. I had to confess
that I had no idea what they was talking
about. I never got an offer and I didn't go
to Oxford, all for a brief glimpse of gusset."
(emvee)
>> This Week - I HURT MY BITS AGAIN <<
It's been a while since we winced at your
damaged genitalia so, go on, roll them out
for us all to see:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits2/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Call Me A Hole <<
Industrial rock meets jaunty pop, in one of
those rare mash-ups that manages to seem,
somehow, inevitable: Nine Inch Nails 'Head Like
A Hole' vs. Carly Rae Jepsen's 'Call Me Maybe'.
http://bit.ly/ZaEzJ8
>> Pet-shaming <<
Hangdog animals, pictured with hand-drawn signs
that describe their embarrassing
transgressions. eg. "I like to eat the crotches
out of ladies' jeans."
http://bit.ly/PI2GNn
>> Roy Lichtenstein crap at comics shock <<
Tying in with the current Lichtenstein
retrospective at the Tate, here are all the
original comic panels copied by the fabulously
successful pop artist. He did not make the best
job of it.
http://bit.ly/vd9lo
>> Every Fucking Website <<
Embittered web designer creates the most
stereotypical site in the world.
http://everyfuckingwebsite.com/
>> 1970s council website <<
The northern UK borough of Scarfolk has never
progressed 1979. Quaint news, scares and
graphic design of that long-ago period.
http://scarfolk.blogspot.co.uk/
>> Behind the scenes Bond pics <<
From back when Bond was in its prime - yep,
these are 60s pics, campy, full of weird energy
and strange, sexy people. Who are now pensioners.
http://bit.ly/Wal59P
>> Thumbs & ammo <<
Movie tough guys don't really need guns - just
a cheery thumbs-up.
http://www.thumbsandammo.blogspot.co.uk/
>> The Express front page bingo <<
The Express is a very special paper - like the
Daily Mail's less gifted brother - and it likes
to stick with what it knows. Interesting,
bingo-themed article tracking their 12 most
well-worn subjects.
http://bit.ly/ZXYptl
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Yoko Ono's Good Life theme <<
Crowd-pleasing Ono belts out a spectacular
rendition of the iconic 70s sitcom melody.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IU8Ku8A03VA
>> The Runner <<
One of the runners on Call the Midwife shot
this on his lunchbreaks - nice little slice of
life on showbusiness's bottom rung.
http://buff.ly/YEjZUF
>> Anti-retouch Photoshop action <<
Inventive campaign from Dove, ambushing art
directors who retouch the pictures used in ads.
Slightly mis-targeted, of course, since art
directors generally don't make the call on
these things, so it just makes them feel bad
about their job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0JF4QxPpvM
>> Mila Kunis interview off-script <<
A PR junket-fatigued Mila Kunis turns the
tables on her Radio 1 interviewer and
disarmingly engages him in a meandering
conversation that eventually leads to her
agreeing to a night out with him and his mates
at a Nandos in Watford.
http://ind.pn/ZbRRbI
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Not funny but you don't read comedy
newsletters for laughs do you?
* Nominative determinism at The Times -
Considering the seriousness of this crime
it's in pretty poor taste to get this guy to
report on it. They could at least used a
pseudonym like Ivanna Fukkids.
http://pic.twitter.com/EgnZkL7Kse
* REGULATION LOLS - possibly the least funny
thing you'll ever see. Promise you won't smile.
http://bit.ly/W8c1m4
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: LONG THINGS TO READ ON YOUR AMAZON SWINDLE
Should you be on a bus or something
Our reading habit at the moment is to scoot
around Twitter for 5 mins, hoovering up long,
interesting articles. We then copy them to the
Kindle using a Chrome plug-in that simply Alt +
K magically fires them to your choice of
reading device. Then we go back to bed. Stuff
we've read (and enjoyed) this week includes:
* LONG, MOVING, TRAGIC ACCOUNT OF THE AARON
SWARTZ INVESTIGATION - Quite what the
difference is between America and the darkest
days of the Soviet Union is anyone's guess.
http://bit.ly/ZTSaqi
* HISTORY OF US ASSASSINATION - published on
the rather good NSFWCorp site run by Paul Carr,
who some of you maybe remember for running B3ta
newsletter rival The Friday Project. Good to
see Paul doing so well and investing in
journalism. We also liked the
perspective-turning statement that described
post-Watergate as a "brief period of American
Glasnost."
https://www.nsfwcorp.com/dispatch/assassinations/
* MUSING ON ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE - what
happens if/when we create an intelligence
greater than our own? Reminds us a little of
the 1970 movie Colossus: The Forbin Project.
http://bit.ly/YQQU6h
* WOMAN HAS 25 DATES IN ONE NIGHT - pretty sure
we've featured @C_T_S's blog at some point -
she's been on a 52-date mission and how can you
top that? By doing similar in a night.
Definitely one to read on a Kindle as the font
choice is mind bending.
http://bit.ly/13EM2XK
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: APP OF THE WEEK
Citymapper
A London travel app that has literally changed
our lives - we're finally not lost in London.
Even South London. You simply type where you
want to go and it tells you which bus, train,
etc to get. It's basically like a version of
TFL Journey Planner that actually works.
http://citymapper.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Patriarchy Challenge
Last week we demanded you smash the
patriarchy. And you smashed its face.
Your favourites included:
* CHAT: where someone will always listen,
albeit via premium rate phone line (The
Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10934865
* BOTTOM: classic Athena poster given
the kind of makeover you cannot un-see
(The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10934895
* SHOES: a small step for man, a dainty
skip for womankind (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10934413
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/smash-the-patriarchy/
>> New challenge: Sheep! <<
Sheep are amazing. They're bundles of
fluffy white joy, yet they're utterly
stupid. This makes them perfect subjects
for this week's image challenge. Which is
what they are
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheep/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* KUNT EDINBURGH SHOW - watch it in full here -
called 'Kunt's On Daytime TV Edinburgh' and,
despite being long and just Kunt rambling away
on stage, it's extremely watchable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nij3mJAYCIo
* UNDEADTEDS CONQUER AMERICA - NobbyNobody
remembers to big us up by saying, "Thanks to
the exposure UndeadTeds received through the
B3ta Newsletter it's all gone a bit mad. One of
my horrible, little bears appeared with Toni
Braxton and Anderson Cooper on CNN's national
syndicated talk show 'Anderson Live'"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/UndeadTeds_conquers_America
* SUPERPOWERLESS KEEPS ON WITH DRAWING
MASTERCLASS - apparently he's earned more
selling £5 drawings of people's profile pics
than he's done doing music in the last few
months.
http://bit.ly/15Cfaxp
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MONEY FOR OLD ROPE - first we need to collect
some old rope.
* BACON THAT DOESN'T KILL YOU - rather depressed
about all this stuff about processed meat giving
you cancer.
* WASHING MACHINES THAT TAKE 10 MINS TO WASH
CLOTHES - for fucks sake technology - why does
this shit take so long?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Engaged: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Separation: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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I like my women like I like my coffee.
Thoughtful, funny and defiant against the
patriarchy. Sorry, I'm shit at ordering coffee.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mozza,
‏@thesaharadesert, @lespence, UltimateMonkey,
‏@SetecAstronomy, ‏@mrmarkreed,
‏@lizziegolucky, @chthonicionic,
@welsh_gas_doc and SpookySpoon.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tips via (username failed moderation)
Subjlols via The Twisted Omentum
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TOP TIP:
Vegetarians! Make people think you're not a
vegetarian by eating a Big Mac.
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