Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] "George Osbourne loses AAAAAAAAAAAAAA++++++++++ eBay rating"

This Week:
* SKRILLEX - poops
* ONE DIRECTION - hit in nuts
* CATS - of Medieval Europe

-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Drinking a pint
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | of butyric acid...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"

B3ta email 570 - 1 Mar 2013

Read this exact same text in another window:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue570

Friends : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Frenemies: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: AMAZON TAT (replacing Sponsored Link)
Troll reviews and general junk

* LIFE SIZE CARDBOARD CUT OUT OF DAVID CAMERON -
ideal for your Illuminati themed dinner party on
a budget. Best review? "Since installing this in
my front room I have not had an unhappy day.
Dave's smiling face greets me first thing in the
morning and is one of the last things I see at
night. I chat to him about my day and imagine
what he might be saying back. Sometimes I just
hold him, silently, for hours."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003JLT1HA/b3ta-21

* FRIGHTEN YOUR HUSBAND AND POSSIBLY KILL HIM -
Can't quite believe this is a beauty product and
not a prop from a 70s episode of Doctor Who.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005JHWB/b3ta-20

* HOW TO AVOID SHIPS - amusingly titled book
that you won't quite believe has attracted some
"amusing" reviews.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0870334336/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Swears, Shards, Penguins, Goats & Skrillex

>> English Swears <<
"This is from our BAD Advice series," informs
Weebl, from his office at the British Advisory
Service, "It's also the best one yet." Always
swear British.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/English_Swears

>> What can I see from the Shard? <<
If you're paying a ton of money to go up the
Shard, it pays to check the visibility levels
before you go in the door. "I worked out that
if I was rich enough to buy a flat in The
Shard, for each hour it's in cloud it'll cost
me ~£350." writes KaiserPro. "With that in mind
I made this website to document how much money
those rich bastards are losing to the British
weather."
http://www.whatcaniseefromtheshard.com/

>> Penguin vs Diving Board - translation <<
"A worried penguin isn't up for jumping in,"
explains Slurpy J, in another of his viral
video voiceovers. Is it just us that mostly
concentrates on the clothes people are wearing
in this sort of clip, to guess what year the
footage is from?
http://bit.ly/12g3iTR

>> Nirvana - Goat-shaped Box <<
The goat that's everywhere this week pops up in
Grungeville, thanks to pi bennett.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/NIRVANA_GOAT_SHAPED_BOX

>> Skrillex Drops One <<
"I am very childish," confesses weebl, with his
second vid of the week. Toilet humour, nice
pay-off.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Skrillex_Drops_One

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lol Bigots

Last week we asked bigotry and racism so we
could point and laugh at it in public:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lolbigots/

* BENEFITS - "I worked with a guy who was half
Iraqi. His name is Wahab, but he goes by the
name of Dave. He came to the UK as a teenager,
became an officer in the merchant navy, and when
I met him he was working in IT. One day he let
on that he had been on some kind of black ops
thing in Iraq with the Gurkhas, but he didn't
make a big deal out of it. In short, a good
bloke. He lives in a small town in East
Yorkshire. He told me he was in the pub with a
number of friends when some racist bloke came up
to him and said, "What are YOU doing in a small
town in East Yorkshire?" Dave put on his worst
accent, "Well, I just come over from Calais. I
come here for benefits, you know?" Racist bloke
gets angry. "I only been here one week... and
they give me council house." Racist bloke gets
angrier. "Is big house! Is good, because next
month my four wives and fifteen children come."
Racist bloke explodes. Dave's friends all laugh
at him." (Bob the Builder)

* DESKGUSTING - "This is one of the most
disgusting examples of corporate bigotry I've
encountered. I hesitate to post the link
because I think people will find it upsetting,
but its better that we all see just how narrow
minded and offensive big business can be. Only
in America!" (browser)
http://i.imgur.com/2XQH1qa.jpg

* TROUBLE - "I'm from Northern Ireland, so you'd
expect my family to be full of bigots, racists,
sexists, homophobes and loud-mouths. But you'd
be wrong, because we aren't Protestants."
(Dr Preference)

>> This Week - WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG? <<
Tell us all about that turning point in your
life when it started going downhill. Pour
text misery into our database here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> It's Not The Onion, it's The On1on <<
Nice idea to aggregate news so offbeat that it
looks like satire.
http://theon1on.com/

>> Gif Melter <<
Paste in a URL or press the link when viewing
an image, to recreate that trippy poster you
had on your wall as an art student in
Nottingham.
http://csh.bz/gifmelter/

>> Jim'll Paint It <<
Dubiously-named but genius concept - this man
will draw anything requested, in MS Paint.
Anything.
http://jimllpaintit.tumblr.com/

>> UNT mug <<
Nice design - the handle's black d'ye see?
http://bit.ly/12e4Wns

>> Medieval cats were twats <<
Medieval monks needed to stop mice from eating
all their manuscripts. But the cats peed
everywhere and walked on books with inky paws.
We're hoping further research shows that the
monks bought a cat to catch the mice and bought
a dog to catch the cat... all the way up to a
horse. These monks are dead, of course.
http://bit.ly/XtqypJ

>> Grumpy Russian traveller <<
Gloomy tourist documents his solo
world-travelling adventure, stoically resisting
the temptation to enjoy any of it. Nobody gets
to hold *his* camera!
http://imgur.com/a/4ix4I

>> Google Glass is uncool *and* evil <<
Are we heading for the bit in the 1970s kids
drama The Changes where we collectively decide
to smash the machines? A thought-provoking piece
- basically, this technology turns you into
Google's little pet cyborg StreetView car.
http://bit.ly/13r3AGB

>> Ambient police scanner music <<
Incredibly atmospheric website plays real-time
police scanners, backed with downbeat
electronica. Like being in a cool John
Carpenter film from the 80s. Or Ryan Gosling in
Drive. Your preference.
http://youarelistening.to

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
If you stare you can see shapes in the glow

>> Japanese tyres, rolling off ski-jump <<
Japanese TV blokes roll various tyres down a
ski-slope, to see which will fly the furthest.
We were going to make some flip comment about
'weird Japan' until we realised this is
basically Top Gear. Anyway, you'll want to see
the big fecker go down.
http://bit.ly/13tnlxI

>> Sport ball bonbonbonbons <<
More new Brian Butterfield, as the fitness &
diet guru promotes his new restaurant in
inimitable style.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/More_new_Butterfield

>> Hair tutorial gone wrong <<
Skip to 0:45 if you're the impatient type, for
predictable but still lolworthy denouement.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/top_hairstyling_tips

>> Still funny after 15 years <<
We'd never heard of Aussie comic Shaun
Micallef, but thoroughly enjoyed this selection
of clips from his late-90s TV show.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1y1pEAy5Zbg

>> Extreme canyon jump <<
Stomach-churning footage of excited hipsters
hurling themselves off a cliff. Not shown:
giant pile of dead hipsters from out-takes.
http://youtu.be/fdJc1_IBKJA

>> Harry Styles shoe-crotch <<
Because it's never not funny to see a pop star
get popped in the nads.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o63lcWu6kY

-------------------------------------------------

: GAME
Massively multiplayer Bomberman

This is how to reinvent old games for the modern
times - we don't want classic graphic design
fucked around with but we do want this.
http://bombermine.com/#/

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sexy Books Challenge

Last week we wanted you to sex-up
literature. To make it more sexy, and
that.

Your favourites included:

* HARPER: influential southern classic
reduced to tawdry nob gag (VicBrown)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10931004

* WELLS: seminal science-fiction volume
reduced to tawdry nob gag (Christian's
Bolt and Ski)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10931745

* WELLS II: seminal science-fiction
volume with added 50-foot woman
(ferret)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10932301

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sexybooks/

>> New challenge: Smash the Patriarchy <<
Men have been in charge for a while now
and, quite frankly, the place is a bit of
a mess. So this week's challenge is to
right a history of wrongs, smash the
patriarchy, and show us what life would
be like if women ran everything. Hopefully
this won't turn into a load of sexist tosh.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/smash-the-patriarchy/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories

* BORIS LOVES B3TA? @Steve_Bromley writes, "Did
you see b3ta was on the "top 500 websites
visited by London City Hall" - our theory is
that it's Boris checking whether he's won the
QOTW. (He hasn't.)
http://bit.ly/Z6FnQm

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* OCD GAME - You're presented with various
albums on screen and you have to arrange them
alphabetically on shelf. Each time you get an
A->Z it disappears like Tetris, making more room
for more CDs. Nick some voice-over from High
Fidelity and that'll sort the soundtrack.

* A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE GAME - programmed
into the dial / LCD screen of a washing machine.
Well, we recently used one that felt like this.

* BUS GAME - you have to stand at a stop and guess
whether it's worth walking to the next one so
you don't get cold, or staying so you don't miss
the bus when it comes. Super jeopardy.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

-------------------------------------------------

(o)(o): b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
8==D~: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by robneymcplum,
miss fortunate, smaggers, Stashie, tichy,
Sherbets Leaf, dirtyscarab, itilliterate,
Jared Earle and @prodigy_69
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via joefish.

-------------------------------------------------

TOP TIP:
Create your 'Sinclair Name' by taking the last
two numbers of your birth year and placing it
after 'ZX'.