Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] "HAPPY CHEESE PASTY AND A WANK DAY"

This Week:
* VIDEO QUIZ - Cum Face or Axe Master
* PROJECT - Make your bin into a monster
* VIOLENCE - Beat up your toddler

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our 2ps
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in a pot and it's so
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| heavy it's a liability"

B3ta email 572 - 15 Mar 2013

Watch this issue as a series of mimes:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue572

Love it : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Shove it : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
Ask me about my T-Rex

The most inspired T-shirt design we've seen for
a while - although you'd be advised to wear a
vest underneath it as nobody wants to see your
man boobs, or if you're a lady reader, you
probably don't want to get your ladyboobs out.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00BHXM0R0/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Making using their internet finger

>> Cum Face or Axe Master? <<
"Morning B3ta-peeps," squeaks Wallopfilms. "I
made a game!" Look at these gurning wonders -
are they engaging in sweep-picked arpeggios,
diminished minor harmonic scales and
finger-tapping? Or is someone abusing their
whammy-bar?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_9LPyNvB4g

>> Punishment Beating <<
"My four-year-old and I have produced this
useful training film on how to best beat up a
child," informs Bananas. "Enjoy!" This little
boy has a future as a stuntman.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Punishment_Beating

>> Dancers on fire <<
"We shot dancers at 1000fps then, in post,
overlaid lots of CG fire onto them so it looked
like they had been set alight," explains Grape.
"It took just over a year to complete with
about 6 months of that being me sat in my room
creating and rendering the fire in Maya!"
Beautiful stuff, although it would have been
considerably less effort to simply set the
dancers alight.
http://bit.ly/XNX61l

>> Spring Tide <<
"Saw some crazed waves so I thought I'd get a
bit closer and film them. Within 2 minutes my
camera was knackered and I was drenched,"
laments poochengeez. "This is some of the
footage I salvaged from the salty SD card."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Spring_Tide

>> 80s nostalgia song <<
"Have you seen the We Didn't Own An iPad thing
doing the rounds?" inquires drewb. "I did the
music for it!" Definitely punches our old git
nostalgia buttons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeEWtNaW6KE

>> Make your bin into a monster <<
"I made this for a friend's kitchen. I am quite
proud of him," beams stevierar. "There is a
guide, in case you want to make your own bin
creature."
http://www.steveguntrip.co.uk/labs/55/bin-monster/

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I Hurt My Bits, Again

Last week we wanted more stories of squashed,
ripped and marinated rude bits. Read on and
wince. Repeatedly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits2/

* TONED - "I have spent the last year working
away from home, which sounds quite exciting but
in reality is truly boring. It has given me the
opportunity to experiment quite a bit with the
deeper recesses of my imagination. In a fit of
complete gungho idiocy, I decided to buy one of
those ab toner belt things and attach it to my
genitals. I thought this might be a great way
of automating a process and providing some much
needed help during my internet fuelled 2 hour
long masturbatorium sessions. Turns out it's
really fucking painful and exceptionally
difficult to switch off in a blind panic. I
suspect I detached a retina screaming..."
(kaptinkurtz)

* DROPPED - "Royal Lifesaving Society Bronze
course. I was the youngest guy there. At one
point you had to remove a drowned person from
the pool by gripping his wrists and hoisting
him over the side. The acting-drowned person
was much bigger than me and I only had the
strength to just get the bulgy part of his
Speedos over the edge of the pool when I
dropped the poor bastard back down, gently
scraping his way over the tiled pool edge."
(the other guy)

* TOUCHED - "Mountain biking in Wales, I was
going down a hill really rather fast when my
waterproof trousers caught in the chain,
causing it to lock. This sent me head first
over the handlebars and off into a small
stream. I was already in an incredible amount
of pain when in slow motion the bike landed
smack between my legs. I now have a zig zag
lightning bolt scar down the length of my penis
and ballsack. It looks like I was touched by
Voldemort as a child." (markqfmd)

>> This Week - FIGHT CLUB <<
In which internet hard-men and internet trolls
do battle to see who can be stupidest online.
With the occasional story of fighting in between.
Contribute your best and worst brawls here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fightclub/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Liartown <<
Enjoyable collection of Photoshopped-up road
signs, remaindered book jackets, magazine
articles and, our favourite, Butterfield-esque
unappetising menus.
http://liartownusa.tumblr.com/

>> Master of Yeahs <<
Every James Hetfield grunt ever, laid
end-to-end like a distillation of good-time
heavy rock.
http://m.soundcloud.com/kcclips/hetfield-grunts

>> New York's hidden subway station <<
Fascinating article on City Hall station,
disused due to safety concerns but
architecturally magnificent.
http://bit.ly/WsAmmF

>> We will write your songs <<
Fancy being in a band, but shit at writing
songs? Let the 'Retired Artists' ("underground
musicians" who don't tour anymore) do
everything for you - and nobody need ever know.
This seems like a slightly melodramatic way of
employing a songwriter, but what the heck.
http://retiredartists.com/

>> Porn stars - before & after makeup <<
Some pretty skilled MAUs at work here, but we
eagerly await the upcoming Dove real beauty
campaign and as someone on twitter pointed out
- it has a humanising effect - real people made
your porn.
http://bit.ly/XcMp4I

>> Welsh URL shortener <<
Make long web addresses easier to share and
more trustworthy, with this shortening service.
http://llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogo.ch/

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if you could watch TV online. Wow.

* INTERNET INSTRUCTION VIDEO FROM THE 1990s -
we'd like to get a time machine back here as
making crappy homepages is our leet skill we're
hoping will come back into fashion.
http://youtu.be/XzbzMYhZgDM

* AUTECHRE VS WASHING MACHINE - possibly the
most thrilling video we've watched in a while.
This sounds like sarcasm, but it's genuinely,
utterly exhilarating.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO9ZY5V461c

* HARLEM SHAKE POOP EDITION - unsure about
linking this as it's NSFW and utterly
disgusting but it does nicely capture our
contempt for the Harlem Shake meme.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyMETs72dBo

* HEY THERE'S A VIDEO ON TED THAT SUGGESTS THE
PLANET ISN'T UTTERLY FUCKING DOOMED - we
watched this and felt quite hopeful for a
moment that our kids won't die in climate
change scorched earth / flooding. Then we
googled Allan Savory - the chap giving the talk
- and found plenty of people saying his science
doesn't add up. Oh well, good to feel hopeful
about humanity's future, even for a few minutes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpTHi7O66pI

>> Donkey Kong: Pauline Edition <<
A dad modifies the game ROM so that his
three-year-old daughter can play as the girl
and rescue Mario. This should probably be an
option on all Mario games.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeXDNg7scyU

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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Redefining funny to mean shit since 1997

* THE OLD THERAPIST / THE RAPIST CONFUSION -
tbl offers us a variation on the classic:
http://www.therapieclinic.co.uk/

* JAPANESE GAMES COMPANY - suggested by
manolith for what he mockingly calls our
'hilarious' funny names section.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winky_Soft

* HE PLAYS THE PENISANO - ShodoPan asks us to
read the name carefully for the musician on
this CD. He also says, "I own this CD. It's
pretty ordinary." We think you mean
extraordinary, ShodoPan.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000003ESR/b3ta-21

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: FRIDAY GAME
Code Injection

Nifty game, where you 'inject' actions into
your character and random monsters for
differing results to guide you safely through
levels of a maze.
http://inject.craftyy.com

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sheep Challenge

Last week we asked you to manipulate
sheep

Your favourites included:

* BAAA!: life's bittersweet tragedy as gently
looping animation (augsav)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10938558

* BAAAAA!: deeply sordid glance into flock
nightlife (The Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10938109

* BAAAAAAAA!: demented tribute to famed web
freak Cyriak (DaveExclamationMark)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10937916

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheep/

>> New challenge: Vegetable Heads <<
This week's challenge is to picture celebrities
and animals with vegetables for heads, for no
other reason than it can be done.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/vegetable-heads/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* BUS GAMES - hcr writes, "I regularly play
this in real life catching the 19 home in
Aberdeen. I thought I was being clever till my
wife pointed out she raises the stakes - she
walks towards the bus. Provided you catch the
bus, you'll get home at the same time having
got on the bus (and in the warm) sooner despite
the longer journey."

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* WRIST WATCH E-INK HOOP THAT DISPLAYS TIME
FROM ANY ROTATION - what with all the
speculation about an Apple watch, this is what
we'd like.

* A ROCK FAMILY TREE OF LEFTISH SPLITTING -
because we def need a diagram.

* A VIRUS THAT DESTROYS ALL MP3s - not because
we hate music, but the ubiquity of having all
music available everywhere has stopped the
recorded sound from being that special to us.
(Obviously live music and making music is still
fun.)

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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Hugs: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Shrugs: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @JudgeDewie,
@YellowSphere, zog, @AnnMargaretC, ‏@uuilson,
‏@mattround, ‏@downatheel Image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via PJP. Top tip via SonoraAeroClub.

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TOP TIP:
Pretend you're sitting at a piano while at your
desk at work by placing two upside-down spoons
between your feet.