This Week:
* BILL WYMAN - in the B3ta newsletter at last
* TABLOID NEWSPAPERS - Are stinky and smell
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - How food is REALLY made...
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Entering the 'Frog Chorus'
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | part of our Paul McCartney
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B3ta email 370 - 20 Mar 2009
The newsletter without the Yahoo! cruft:
http://b3ta.
"Follow": b3ta-subscribe@
"Unfollow": b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
Daily TV newsletter
tvBite.com tells you what's on telly, gives you
a comedy recipe, some wine offers, a
competition and a load of old rubbish about TV
stars from some bored journalists. It's free,
funny and um, free. At best, it'll sort your
evening out. At worst, it's something to read
on the internet. Make sure you check out the
sample edition and then sign up. (The story at
the end about Shane Richie is funny btw.)
http://www.tvbite.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Wyman, Women and one woman in particular
>> Bill Wyman's metal detector <<
The Rolling Stone's Bill Wyman is famous for
many things:
* Courting peadotroversy by dating the 13 year
old failbait Mandy Smith.
* Being surprising old for a 1960s popstar - he
was 30 in 1966, about 7 years older than Mick &
Keef.
* Turning an enjoyable bass riff into a Ian
Dury pastiche with Je Suis Un Rock Star. Also
notable for its nonce-sense lyric, "They'll
think I'm your dad and you're my daughter."
Anyway, hopefully old Bill will now be famous
for one more thing: Swedemason taking his
dribbling about metal detectors and turning it
into something rather special indeed.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Loose Women with squeaky voices <<
ITVs Loose Women is a TV gameshow where
menopausal women win valuable incontinence pants -
depending on which one of them has the most
ill-informed opinion. Ladma is attempting to
up the gag count by giving them even sillier
voices than they already have. Well done!
http://www.b3ta.
>> Tabloid journalist in hypocrisy shock <<
Paula Murray, tabloid journalist and all round
bad egg has enraged the internets recently with
her Sunday Express story reporting on school
shooting survivors "shaming the memory of their
dead peers" by sticking up photos of themselves
on Facebook behaving like teenagers. Graham
Linehan of Father Ted co-write fame has a clear
take on it all here:
http://snurl.
Also of interest is our very own Manic who's
hunted down the journalist's own boozy
Facebook postings in an attempt to give her a
taste of her own medicine. Ouch. Particularly
the "spinster aunt" comment.
http://www.bloggerh
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Penises, penises and more penises
Last week we asked what thing you were most
ashamed of doing with a penis:
http://b3ta.
* NAPKIN RING - "As some of you know, I'm
into piercing, but watching a tattooed bloke
grasp your manhood and shove a 3.2mm needle
clean through it is a walk in the park compared
to watching blood gush from your shaft as you
use oily pliers to tease out last shards of
pewter napkin ring and crushed lumps of ceramic
cutting disk after a misguided attempt at a
DIY cock ring." (Humpty Dumpty was Pushed)
* PERSONAL CALL - "I swear, I was sending...
um...pictures.
g/f at the time. But to take the picture to
send, I had gone to my office toilets and
taken a look at some pictures that she had
previously sent me. Until I was, you know,
'ready'. Then I snapped away, got a couple of
shots that showed me in a flattering light
and sent one. My phone was fairly slow to send
pictures, so I went back to my desk and put it
down next to me, waiting for the tell-tale
buzz that meant my penis was flying in 1s and
0s through the ether for my waiting beloved's
depraved pleasure. Then I promptly forgot it
and went to get coffee. I came back to my desk
and my boss was hovering waiting to talk to me,
so we are chatting away and then I notice his
eyes start to drift down to my desktop. I
follow his gaze and there, clear as day, is my
phone. With my erect penis. And, in the
background, the distinctive red and white tiles
that adorned the cubicles in the staff toilets.
I've never had a non-awkward conversation with
him again." (scarpe)
* SUPRISE PENIS - "If your beloved is sitting
on the floor doing paperwork and you've just
come out the shower. Don't - I repeat DON'T -
sneak up behind her and smack her round the
back of the head with your cock and run off
giggling like a twat. It's a deal breaker. It
really fucking is." (SpankyHanky)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your take on God. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Sequels that don't exist <<
Sounding like one of our old image challenges
(in fact I think we ran it after watching
web-video "Titanic 2! The Revenge of the
Iceberg!"), but what saves this from territory
that we're over-familiar with is the quality of
the writing and mind-expanded full-throttle
creativity on offer. We particularly dig 'Rambo
V' featuring the entire Rambo family, all
played by Stallone, "The handshakes might have
to be done with CGI or something."
http://everybodylov
>> Ultimate geek office <<
To use modern internet speak, this is so full
of fail that it's 100% win. Witness a grown
man, dressed in a skin-tight Storm Trooper
outfit, unpacking his lovely new Apple Mac toys
whilst surrounded by Manga figurines. And he
has a wife apparently.
http://www.dannycho
>> Dead insects + watch bits <<
Extremely creepy photos of dead insects that have been
case-modded with antique watch parts. Could be
the early work of a particularly meticulous
steam-punk serial killer. They start with
animals, you know.
http://www.insectla
>> Photos of Chernobyl <<
The Chernobyl tourism industry is growing. Soon
it'll beat North Korea as the number one
destination for those who self-identify as
wankers, sorry travellers, rather than tourists.
Mind you, the photos are indeed chilling and
would be a fantastic place to film a cheapo
Zombie film, assuming you can afford the
insurance for potentially giving the crew
leukaemia.
http://www.grcade.
>> Gallery of pre-loaders <<
Much like the banner-ad, the pre-loader absorbs
a huge amount of ad agencies' energy without
ever getting one ounce of love on the real
internet. (You know, the internet that gets
views, rather than the waste-ground of client
sites.) Celebrate the folly here, or use it to
confuse a naive friend, "this site is GREAT
once it loads."
http://www.prettylo
>> Soundboards a-gogo <<
In an unlikely revival of retro web trends,
we've been seeing a lot of love for soundboards
this week. One based on Daft Punk's classic
toilet roll jingle, "Harder, Better, Faster,
Stronger" and the other mostly from George
Michael's early pre-crack-pipe hit "Wham! Rap".
Open both and pretend you're Jean Michelle
Jarre attempting to grapple with the 90s.
http://www.najle.
http://www.ronwinte
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
VHS will rise again!
>> Burger grease art <<
If something can be used to make a mark on
paper, then it can be used to make a drawing.
Although we pity this stink-fingered artist
who uses beef-fat as his medium of choice.
Next week we'd like to see Edvard Munch's 'The
Scream', as rendered by walking down the street
and asking everyone you pass for a little of
their precious, salty earwax.
http://www.youtube.
>> Twitter = twats? <<
The problem with Twitter is that it's difficult
to "get". Much like it would be hard to see the
point of a phone if the only person you could
phone was Stephen Fry, and he didn't listen to
you, only barked missives about how much
battery life was left in his laptop. Anyway, if
you're on the side of the fence that enjoys
going, "I don't see the point of it" then
you'll have a certain satisfaction in this well
observed and slickly produced cartoon.
http://current.
>> Jenga bricks pistol <<
There's two ways to make Jenga more exciting:
firstly you can play it for money. We promise
you, you've never played sport until you've had
£50 riding on pushing out a wooden brick. Or
secondly, replace your fingers with guns. Yes.
Special Jenga guns.
http://b3ta.
>> Communicating with Cat Central Command <<
Morse code facts:
* There's no | (pipe) sign in Morse code, thus
making it difficult to port to Linux.
* Sting's Morse Code classic De Doo Doo Doo De
Da Da Da, has often been known to confuse
shipping.
* Telegraphy pioneered txt-spk in the 1890s,
using GE for Good Evening, GN for Good Night
and ISOCYWIRB for "I say old chap, your wife
is ridiculously butters."
http://b3ta.
>> Computer rage song <<
The shanty is a working song used by navies,
slaves and sailors to make repetitive communal
tasks more bearable by creating an all
encompassing rhythm that the body falls into.
And aren't IT workers a little like the poor
Irish sods who built all our motorways in the 60s
and then ended up broken, family-less drunkards
in Camden's Arlington House? But in the digital
age, with roads being pointless reports, and
the shovels broken laptops? That's what this
song makes us think anyway.
http://snurl.
>> Dragons Den parody <<
You know this is going to be a funny clip, so
trust on that, and let us have 30 seconds of
your time whilst we play word substitution
games on famous phrases:
* Cutting off our cock to spite our balls.
* You can't make a sausage without breaking a
pig.
* Er.. Do not look a gift-horse in the cock.
Anyway, moving swiftly on:
http://b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Shoot us in the face. Please.
Update on Randy Midgett: his wife is called
Ginger.
http://www.baysidem
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Font Jokes Challenge
Last week we wanted you to have fun with
typefaces. Oh yes, we literally asked for FontLols.
Your favourites included:
* RAP - getting typographical on yo ass
(The magic of chutney)
http://www.b3ta.
* COCK - a special delivery for a lucky
lady - or man, if you like that kind
of thing (Daisy Lemon)
http://www.b3ta.
* DOLCE - Midge Ure's entry wasn't quite
funny enough (op)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Food <<
We're continually told of the need to be
aware of how our food is sourced, so show
us how what we eat is *really* made.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TARD WHO WANTS A HUSBAND GETS WRITTEN UP IN
THE DAILY MAIL - Alex wrote to us to say,
"Yeah, the Daily Mail, not my paper of choice
at all - I kept mentioning B3ta during the
interview, but I don't think she got my hints
to mention it. I'm going on GMTV tomorrow
morning and it's live, so I'll definitely try
and give B3ta a shout out!" Also Peter Davison
subverts, "Look for the comment by a Mr. Deago
Stiniberg from Hull. That's me that is."
http://snurl.
* STEPHEN FRY CARICATURE - "Had an email from
the lovely Mr Stephen Fry", writes Tart Monkey,
"saying very nice things about my caricature of
him that got front-paged last week, and asking if I
could send him a hi-res version for his own
amusement, which I did of course." BTW: Poor
old Stevie (Who we'll now call Stevie, as this
is how he refers to himself on Twitter,
especially when hungry), this was his own
personal glass-cock, as a quick search shows,
ENDLESS people recommended this image to him.
http://search.
* RYANAIR PHOTOSHOP - another equally popular
image from B3ta recently was the reworking of
the Ryanair instructions by Coast Of Yemen -
which have done the rounds so often that
they're now appearing (uncredited) on the
actual Ryanair website. Naughty Ryanair doing
things on the cheap again.
http://snurl.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BANKRUPT THE BANKS - in a plot weirdly
reminiscent of Superman III, fridgefreezer
asks, "Can someone write a script for on-line
banking sites that does all money transfers 1p
at a time? I would dearly love to see the postman
dragging my next bank statement up the path on
a sack truck because I paid my credit card bill
in 20,000 instalments.
* COUNCIL BULLSHIT ANALYSER - Chart Cat asks,
"I read management guff every day. It would be
marvellous if I could go to a website, paste in
a chunk of text and get an itemised 'bullshit
score' based on this word list."
http://news.
* AD AGENCIES GIVING B3TA PEOPLE CASH to rework
old flash cartoons as new advertising campaigns.
Yep, Jonti HASN'T been ripped off, he's been
commissioned:
http://www.118247.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Peter Davison,
mockingbirdred, Darklord, tedster, 4dam, badge,
Monty Propps, the_log_knows, Kingdom Oblivion,
aphareus. Occasionally we hide jokes in the
thanks bit. Not this week. Top Tippery by
Flowerpot. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Oh go on then: Did
you hear about the horse who thought he was a
mouse? He went click-clop. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via Prof UnderCover.
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TOP TIP:
If you boil vegetables, let the water cool and
use it to water plants. The nutrients in the
water are good for them. Works with water used
to boil pasta too.
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SICKIPEDIA:
What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?
Dr Dre
http://www.sickiped
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