This Week:
* VEITCH - Sings about pork, again
* ANIM - Ducks with tits!
* CHALLENGE - Completely fucking useless shit
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B3ta email 361 - 15 Jan 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
7 Egg Boiler
B3tards! Love boiled eggs but have no idea how
to cook them? You need our 7 egg electric
boiler. No more dirty saucepans and isn't 7
such a handy number? You can boil up half a
dozen and stick a lemon in the middle. Woo hoo!
http://www.amazon.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Pork, Breasts, Leopards and Benny Hill
>> The Benny Hillifier can now speed up videos! <<
"I've finally implemented the feature which
everybody was asking for," shouts Bobsworth,
"Speeding up videos!" Awesomesauce!
http://snurl.
>> We are pork products <<
"You know Florian has left Kraftwerk," sobs
Joel, mascara running down his cheeks. "So me
and Ed put together this sausagey tribute using
saveloys." FYI: We recently asked Joel if he
liked cooking with chorizo and he replied, "I
dunno - I've never owned one for long enough to
try."
http://rathergood.
>> Duck with breasts <<
Crime-fighting has a new face - and chest -
according to Bovine. Worth a punt for the intro
sequence alone.
http://www.richardt
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Workplace boredom
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked about the procrastination
activities you indulge in within the workplace.
http://www.b3ta.
This compo is really about stories but as a
fair few photos were entered we reckoned we'd
feature those. Run with the crowd and all that.
* SHARK, HELICOPTER AND BRIDGE ART - produced
as a separator between desks. "This photo
doesn't show the full architectural splendour
of the bridge, but take my word for it that
Brunel would have shat his pants in awe." (yes
yes yes man)
http://www.b3ta.
* CARDBOARD ROBOT - "where we get through lots
of envelopes. What do we do with the boxes that
they came in? Robot suits!" (himjim )
http://www.b3ta.
* DESK WEAPONS - "I tend to dick about with
stationary This was my greatest triumph and
highlight of my working life to date. It is a
fully working siege catapult I made from
pencils, sellotape, an elastic band and a
spoon. It was amazing." (Barry Shitpeas)
http://www.b3ta.
>> Question: Fitting in <<
We'd like you to to talk about peer pressure -
the stuff you do just to fit in - even though
you know it's complete donkey shit.
http://www.b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Flowchart of heavy metal band names <<
It takes a special kind of nerd to break a
subject down and rebuild it as a graph. But
we're glad they exist. Bands range from
absolute classics to "wtf, that's a real name?"
http://www.comicvsa
>> Awesome noise! <<
A new bit of Microsoft software can add backing
music to the track of your choice. Someone has
run it on a David Lee Roth acapella. This is
the dreadful result.
http://music.
>> Disney rejection letter <<
Amusingly sexist vintage rejection letter from
Disney Studios. Intriguing juxtaposition of the
signature and the character to the right of it.
http://www.flickr.
>> Almost unrecognisable list <<
Compilation of film stars who've allowed the
make-up artists free rein in making them look
different. Impressive stuff in many cases,
although sometimes feels like it was a bit of a
waste their being famous in the first place.
http://www.listal.
>> Bizarre photo collection <<
No idea on the rationale behind this extensive
gallery of unusual imagery, but it's
interesting stuff. Refreshingly free of the
internet's usual suspects. Oh, but some of it
is NSFW.
http://riotclitshav
>> Bacon rolling papers <<
Don't worry vegans, these are actually
soy-based so there are zero health concerns
with using them.
http://bacontoday.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV you can pause, oh you can now actually
>> Oldest rocker in town <<
82 year-old heavy metal fan discusses his love
of Judas Priest and Iron Maiden. Local news at
its absolute finest.
http://news.
>> Star Wars retold by someone who hasn't seen it <<
Pleasingly-animated retelling of the entire
Star Wars trilogy (ie. the good ones) by
somebody who hasn't seen the films. She does
pretty well, for our money.
http://vimeo.
>> Kitten climbing stairs <<
By climbing we mean clinging on to the
undersides of the steps and going along upside
down like that baby from Trainspotting.
Off-putting but cute.
http://snurl.
>> Heath Robinson corkscrew <<
Fans of complexity and comical levels of
over-engineering will find this wine bottle
opener a treat. Coming soon to your local
poncey kitchen shop.
http://www.oneofone
>> Why your company needs stock photography <<
Power Point presentation explains that your
company could do with some pictures of fake
business people. Could this actually be some
sort of guerilla marketing for iStockPhoto?
Stranger things have happened.
http://snurl.
>> Weezer - Pork and Beans 2 <<
As the dog returns to his vomit so do the
interwebs return to Weezer's Pork and Beans
video. The band's clearly been busy in
post-production adding frankly mind-knackering
heaps of extra meme in-jokes. Ah, those old
memes - where would we be without them?
http://www.b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two cocks, one vagina
* CRUDE PEPPERONI COCKS - Spotted in a Pizzahut
advert. (The Goatworrier)
http://www.cr3stati
* RETARDED PENIS LOLS - clearasmud writes,
"this district of Hong Kong is worth a mention.
Who'd have though of naming a place "Mong Kok"?"
http://en.wikipedia
* FANNY S HOLE: DECEASED - "Photo by moi!" Meak
gesticulates in French.
http://moblog.
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: WHAT DAY IS IT? CHALLENGE
Fucked if we know
Last week we asked you to make one of those one
page sites that are popular at the moment, you
know, where the domain poses a question and the
page answers it.
Lots of entries. Bloody loads considering.
http://thedayis.
http://www.wotdayis
http://whatdayitis.
http://WhatDayOfThe
http://whatdateisit
http://day.smakkie.
http://thedayis.
Vote now to which one stays in the Celebrity
Big Brother URL house.
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: NERD JOKES
Because geeks need hahas
We asked you to send in your favourite spoddy
jokes, and you did. Oh you did.
Here's some of your bestest:
* TOPLOLOGY LOLS - "Why did the mobius strip
cross the road? To get to the other s..., er...
oh." (hijackattack)
* DATA TYPE ROFLS - "Two strings walk into a
bar, and the bartender says 'We don't serve
strings here. You aren't a string, are you?'
The first string says 'No, I'm a frayed
knot.a$$%3333343_
string says 'You'll have to excuse my friend,
he's not null-terminated'
* NUMBER SYSTEM LMAOS - "There's only 10 types
of people in the world. Those that understand
binary and those that don't." (turbojelly here
repeating a classic that still makes our wife
want a divorce at least 5 years after first
hearing it.)
Please send us more. We like them.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
The Funny Side of War
With the Israelis and Palestinians intent on
blowing each other up, this depressing saga was
getting us down, so we asked you to bring on
the lols.
Our favourites included:
* CHEERFUL JEWISH PERSON - What can we say that
doesn't ruin the joke? (nocturne72)
http://www.b3ta.
* MORPH - always happy to have our members
wilfully misinterpret our challenges. (arkham
angel)
http://www.b3ta.
* WAR! HUH! What is it good for? Absolutely
nothing. I'll say it again. (The Great
Architect)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> Completely fucking useless shit <<
The chocolate fireguard, the left-handed
screwdriver, the inflatable dart-board, and the
parachute that opens on impact. Invent your own
useless contraption and show us its true
shittiness with the magic of Photoshop.
Suggested by tommyhaych, whom we secretly bum
when nobody is looking.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* KITTENWAR CALENDARS - Fraser, King Kitten
himself, popped round B3ta HQ over Xmas to
deliver his annual stash of KittenWar
calendars. Apparently the publisher managed to
send him over 100 for personal use and he's
been dumping them on friends, friends of
friends and even us. Marvel at our photo in the
official B3ta kitchen, and possibly buy one via
Amazon whilst we're still in January and
there's most of the year left:
http://www.flickr.
* MISSING-THE-
a-johnson informs, "You know your Bumper B3ta
Book of Jokes is goin out as a free PDF? Not
entirely sure if this a concern, but thought
I'd let you guys know just in case." Cheers
fella!
http://www.sickjoke
* OH SHUSH ABOUT STRING ALREADY - David
Medeiros comments, "Love your newsletter. By
the way, the correct answer to the question
"How long is a piece of string" is 'No, Hao
Long is a bay in Viet Nam' - Google 'Hao Long'
and check it out for yourself if you don't
believe me." Nope, we refuse. Our search engine
of choice is AskJeeves.
* BEST OF B3TA 2008 - your votes have been
counted and we present to you 2008's top b3ta
messageboard posts and links as decided by the
clicky public. Don't say we didn't warn you.
http://b3ta.
------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Bastard Tetris
"It's just Tetris yes," says
VampireMonkeyOnSpee
Tetris, it looks at the board, decides what
piece would be most useful and then makes sure
you don't get it. Bastard. I managed to get
one line."
http://l0ser.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
"I was quite excited," confesses Amos E Wolfe,
"When I read in the newsletter that someone
wanted a website to tell them what day it was,
and immediately logged in to my fasthosts
account to register the relevant domain name.
.com and .net are gone already. Someone called
Andi Taylor has registered whatdayisit.
TODAY so keep a look out for that. So I would
have created that site but someone beat me to
it. Any chance of some more 'requests for
monopurpose websites?' please?" Ok for you, off
the top of our heads:
* WHERE ARE MY KEYS . COM - probably where you
left them OR retrace your steps.
* HAVE I LEFT THE GAS ON . COM - I dunno, you'd
better check.
* DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT . COM - No,
you look lovely.
And, and this one is actually quite a nice
idea, too good for you, we should keep it back
and become bigger than Goggle, or at least,
KittenWar:
* IS IT GOING TO RAIN TODAY . COM - Probably a
bit more complex, but with some reverse IP
lookup for location and parsing the BBC weather
site, a fair stab is possible.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chemicals1234,
Seventh, pissflaps, chickenlady, Michelle
Obama's Stalker, littlefish, Mowgarr, Pew Pew
Pew! Lasers! Grindstaff, The Oscillating
Gibbon, Elusive and My Future Self. Top Tippery
by Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Love to b4ta.
Sublol: The Great Architect.
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TOP TIP:
Pretend you've won Formula 1 by placing your
thumb over the end of the penis at the point of
ejaculation.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Remember the radio advert that said: "If you
want to know how much an unlicensed cab costs
to Covent Garden, ask a rape victim." Don't.
They go fucking mental.
http://www.sickiped
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