This Week:
* VIDEO - "I'm not being racist, right, but..."
* COOKING - Pot Noodle Pasty
* PRANK - a deliberately inaccurate calendar
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B3ta email 360 - 9 Jan 2009, Happy New Year!
Oooh look, a web linky, how clever:
http://b3ta.
Good karma: b3ta-subscribe@
Shitty karma: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: CHAVVY SPONSORED LINK
Chav Gangs, browser-based RPG Game
"Are you sick of hearing about the Chav culture
that is now dominating our society? Here is
your chance to get even. Fight, mug and scam
your way to the top and become the number 1
Chav in the UK"
http://www.chavgang
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Your ad-based tattoo on our pitbull. Talk now.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Racists, Pastry, Calendar Sabotage and Bad Films
>> "I'm not being racist, right, but..." <<
You know whatever comes next is going to be
racist. Andrew O'Neill tries to reclaim the
phrase by using it in non-racist contexts. This
is brilliant - even the simplest statement
implies murky new offensive stereotypes.
http://blip.
>> The Pot Noodle pasty <<
"Behold the future of snack food," brags Kaine
who, with his accomplices, has combined the
twin powers of the Greggs pasty and the Pot
Noodle. Unlikely as it sounds, their excellent
work on the pastry has actually made these look
delicious.
http://kained.
>> Deliberately Inaccurate 2009 Calendar <<
Mike Fishcake has created something of a
slow-burning social bomb. It looks innocuous
enough but this calendar has been meticulously
altered to give the wrong dates for all sorts of
holidays. We are already chortling with glee at
the thought of someone in the office missing
Mothers' Day.
http://snurl.
>> I Spot Bad Films <<
"A spotter's guide to the very worst films
committed to celluloid, written by me and Dave
for the E4 site," moans a pale and shaken Rob
Manuel. "We really did sit down and watch all
these bloody films too. Our minds melted."
http://www.e4.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Wibbling Rivalry
Over Christmas we asked you to make the dullest
story ever in 500 or more words. Only joking,
we love you lot really.
http://www.b3ta.
* LOL! JOKE! They say one in every 6 people is
Chinese. I don't know who it is in my household.
It might be my Sister, Sarah, or my brother Xao
Ming Chen, but my money's on my elder brother
Dennis. (Lunar Jim)
* LOL! ANOTHER JOKE! "My younger sister is here
for the weekend, with her 9 year old son. He's
become interested in chess, and was asking me
about how the various pieces move. I'm not that
much of an expert on the subject, and some of
his school friends were insisting that a pawn
could take a piece directly in front of it in
some cases. I'm not sure about that, but I know
there are some strange cases where pieces can
move in a different way. So, cue sister walking
in whilst I say: 'Look, I'm not sure, just
search for pawn in google, and that should tell
you'." (Mucky)
* LOl! FREAK! "I was a confused child. I have
it on good authority (well, my mates and oddly
enough one of our cousins), that my sister was
(and still is) hot. When I was a kid I went
through a phase of doing odd things when I had
the house to myself. Having already fucked my
way through everything in the fridge to try and
find something that felt like 'a real woman'*
And having already had the obligatory five
wanks while the rest of my family were out, I
found myself in my sister's bedroom...
"Moments later I found myself standing in front
of her full length mirror wearing a spangly
boob tube and a pair of French knickers, with
my cock and balls hanging out over the top.
"Is it wrong to admit that at that moment I
felt the sexiest I have ever felt in my life?
"I couldn't look my sister in the eye for a
month after that afternoon.
"And to this day it is my secret shame that I
have, in point of fact, been inside my sister's
knickers...
"* Vanilla slice was the best, closely followed
by a cleverly and anatomically correct hollowed
out melon vagina with a bit of KY jelly added
for extra realism." (SpankyHanky)
>> Bored at work? <<
This week we want your skiving confessions.
http://www.b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Britney's hacked vagina: interview <<
We were very amused by the recent pwnage of
Britney Spear's twitter account, "HI Yall! Brit
Brit here, just wanted to update you all on the
size of my vagina. Its about 4 feet wide with
razor sharp teeth." The full story, complete
with interview with the scallywags responsible,
on the Wired blog. BTW: Interesting to note
that the Daily Mail covered this and included
the vagina dentata quote, whilst Wired's
reportage spared our blushes.
http://blog.
>> Visual history of Lego figures <<
We weren't allowed Lego figures as a kid, our
parents thought them gimmicky and not as
educational as "proper Lego." Hence, to this
very day, we look down on geeks that fetishize
this stuff - Lego Technic for the win! BTW:
Halfway down the page - the ghosts and the
knight? All very KKK init.
http://gizmodo.
>> When dating sites go wrong <<
Girl posts gory details of bad date on dating
talkboard - hilarity ensues, especially when
the chap joins in.
http://www.okcupid.
>> Cock Art challenge <<
"I challenge you to make this penis not look
like a penis" is the compo and quite honestly
we wish we were running it on our site.
http://www.tribalwa
>> Tilt shift photo maker <<
Recently we haven't been able to move for
seeing tilt-shift photos. You know, the ones
where real world stuff is made to look like
models. The trick? A special camera, or more
often a bit of blurring and ramping up the
saturation. And now it's even easier with this
handy, miniature tool.
http://tiltshiftmak
>> Top 50 movie special effects shots <<
"I love stuff like this," writes Krang, "it's a
good list and the writers seem to actually know
what they're talking about." Unlike us, who've
been bluffing it with Wikipedia and a few
recycled jokes from Alas Smith & Jones for
years.
http://snurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Not as good as looking at the top 10 on youtube
>> Holy Spirit drum'n'bass <<
Not the first vid we've seen to match up
footage of religious ecstasy with old school
choons. But this one is excellent. One portly
preacher is particularly good value.
http://b3ta.
>> Insect hair <<
Increasingly surreal and explicable Ann
Robinson hate from a former Weakest Link
contestant. Well, perhaps it's not entirely
inexplicable.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Live action stop-motion <<
Animated fight and chase scene using 26,000
photos of real actors. Extremely impressive;
particular props to the people who had to stand
perfectly still for about six months.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Most annoying runner ever <<
This athlete can't resist screaming at the top
of his lungs in every race. Perhaps it's to
spur himself on or to psych out other
competitors. We just don't know. But he weirdly
reminds us of Crazy Frog.
http://www.maniacwo
>> Cat vs electric toothbrush <<
The buzzing of the tiny motor makes this kitten
just want to smash things up!
http://www.b3ta.
>> Enter Kazoo Man <<
Metallica's rousing crowd-pleaser rendered, as
it should be, on four kazoos and a little
beatboxing.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Harry Potter 'pitch to the publishers' <<
Sarcastic comedy duo the Dawson Brothers wish
they'd been in the pitch meeting for Harry
Potter. The MAGIC pitch meeting.
http://b3ta.
>> Hand-drawn internet <<
Clever stop-motion turns a normal notebook into
an animated laptop, complete with slightly
off-kilter internets.
http://uk.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring 'Bad Type Weekly' and other crap
* FONTY TWATS - Our hot rival - the Schwartz
Spice Newsletter chooses an unfortunate
typeface for its headlines don't you think? And
if you can't spot it, then google the word
'cunny.'
http://www.schwartz
* SPELLING TWITS - We always knew that Del
Monte was a Zionist conspiracy.
http://lone9gunman.
* PROOFING TWOTS - Fox does a New Year's
ticker-tape made from viewers' texts. As to
whether they're vetted beforehand..
http://img126.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Bloody loads of stuff over Xmas so...
>> Play.com fuck up (again) <<
A couple of weeks ago, Play.com managed to
screw up the coding on their website so that
users of the Opera browser would instead see
pictures from b3tard Rusty Shackleford'
They've somehow managed it again. So once more,
Rusty has taken the opportunity to sabotage
their site. Rather lovely.
http://b3ta.
>> Discount People <<
Slightly manic television spot by superdonal,
exhorting sofas to head on down and pick up a
discount human in the sales.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Perspective scrolling - How To <<
If you fancy making one of those funky-looking
infinite scrolling animated backgrounds, you
could do a lot worse than check out this little
tutorial by maiden.
http://www.maidenar
>> Plant Feed <<
Sheep does the chores, with a little help from
his houseplants.
http://www.b3ta.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the last three challenges
Since the last newsletter we've featured
three Challenges.
Your favourites included:
* UK TV, HOLLYWOOD STYLE - The Wombles.
Taking out the trash (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.
* A STAR WARS CHRISTMAS - Admiral Motti
receives a lovely new jumper on the big
day (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.
* ADVERTISING THE UNUSUAL - Tony the
Tiger breaks into the DIY market (geet)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
http://www.b3ta.
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: The Funny Side Of War <<
With the Israelis and Palestinians intent
on blowing each other up, this depressing
saga must be getting you down. So fire up
Photoshop and show us the funny side of
conflict.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TARD KILLS LIL' WAYNE - Gilgamesh boasts,
"Seems that someone used my now-defunct BBC
News Generator to fake a story about rapper
Lil' Wayne being killed. Consequently I got
hits from all over the world and the site got
suspended for going over the bandwidth limits.
At least I got the phrase 'Gilgamesh BBC tool
is dogs bollocks' onto the Guardian's website
AND Lil' Wayne made an announcement on his
Myspace that he was still alive."
http://www.b3ta.
* HOW LONG IS A PIECE OF STRING? - Ruble
answers our query with, "Twice as long as half
of it. I've often used this in conversation,
'how long will you be fixing that car?' Cue
smart arse reply, 'how long is a piece of
string', cue my angered response, "From the end
to the middle times two, now, HOW FUCKING LONG
WILL THE CAR BE!?!"
* WEIRD EMAIL THAT IS PROBABLY A HOAX - Nev
Jenner completely mentals at us, "My wife was a
bitch all Christmas Day. Lying in bed that
night it all came pouring out; she had been
expecting to receive as a present a 'Paul Ross
canvas print', she had 'seen the webpage open
on my computer screen and thought I must be
secretly buying it her' and, as she had not
received it, had been a bitch all day. I have
then compounded my mistake by telling her the
reason I didn't get it her was because 'demand
was high and they are temporarily out of
stock', rather than telling her the real reason
which is 'I was looking at that page because I
and thousands of other b3tards are laughing at
cunts like you who want such items'. She has
cheered up now in the knowledge that she will
soon be receiving one, which I am going to have
to pay for and hang and fucking endure. Now I
know I left the window open stupidly thus
letting her see it, but I wonder if you could
send me £56.58p to cover me having to buy the
print and have it posted to me. This might go
some way towards easing the pain I have felt,
and will continue to feel."
http://www.amazon.
B001N6W8U0/b3ta-
* HOW LONG IS A PIECE OF STRINGx2?
CompletelyUnaccepta
your despair at not knowing how long a piece of
string was, I thought I'd share a geeky
developer joke I made up:
Q: How long is a piece of string?
A: string.length
You have to be fairly sad to get it." BTW: If
readers have got any more geeky, codey lols
then the usual address please.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PROVERBS MADE REAL - "I'd like to see is
somebody with a high speed camera set it up
pointing at a fan and film what really happens
when the shit hits it." (Wurzel)
* WHAT DAY IS IT DOT COM - "I think there
should be a page on the internet that just
tells you what day it is", states
alexrclements, "I googled and and couldn't find
one. Please could you ask in the next
newsletter if any clever people could make one?
It would make the internet a BETTER PLACE."
* IMDB VS PIRATEBAY MASH-UP - so that we know
what films are what, when we read the top100
download list looking for ideas on what to
watch tonight.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by bilbobarneybobs,
masakatsu, Spooge McBalls, elusive, Oysdgp,
custard, lolwhites, raerth, ArfurDaley, Andy
Stevenson, Grindstaff, bathtub and Pew Pew Pew!
Lasers! Top Tippery by haroweld Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Pine needles to
unit designate: b4ta. Subjlol via Captain Wow.
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TOP TIP:
In the winter keep your bog roll on top of a
radiator. Those cold mornings will be spent in
a much happier place. It's bliss for your arse.
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SICKIPEDIA:
I left my car in a car park the other day, when
I came back to it the bumper and rear lights
were all smashed up. Then I found this note
under the wiper. It said: "I just accidentally
reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw
me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and
details. Well, I'm not.
http://www.sickiped
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