This Week:
* BAD TRANNIES - Don't blame us
* CREDIT CRUNCH - Your experiences
* NERD JOKES - How many do you understand?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're hurting our selves
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | today, to see if we can
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B3ta email 362 - 23 Jan 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Bad trannies, Scrambled egg and Sushi
>> TV Fail <<
We've been gawping, gobstruck at this for some
time now. Favus has gathered the web's gammiest
old trannies and tranny admirers, then
captioned them with their own words. " I trawl
through all this stuff so you don't have to,"
he explains.
Http://tvfail.
>> Washing machine cookery <<
Brave Tom Scott continues to push back the
boundaries of appropriate appliances to use in
food perparation. Will his post-wash scrambled
egg and mulled wine party be a success?
http://www.tomscott
>> Meat sushi <<
Reasoning that popular fast food sushi is
basically rice and raw fish, Cheffervescence
figured a reasonable subsitute would be mash
and uncooked, bleeding beef. Yuk.
http://cheffervesce
>> Pornotron <<
Type in a search term and Sn0tters' pornotron
will search google images with safe search both
on and then off. Then it shows you only the
pics that dirty google pornbots try to keep for
themselves.
http://www.pornotro
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Fitting in
Last week we asked how much you bend to peer
pressure. We've picked three short funnies for
the newsletter, but it is so worth clicking to
find out how 'spankyhanky' got his username:
http://b3ta.
* MOCKNEY TWAT: "I panic when I have to talk to
anyone that doesn't work in an office,
particularly tradespeople. For some reason I
change my normal accent (something between
Boris Johnson and Oscar Wilde) for an Essex
Cockney effort - "Blaady freezin' innit?" - to
demonstrate that I am just like them, and could
probably fit the kitchen/clean the
chimney/attach a shelf myself if I wasn't so
damned busy duckin' and divin' makin' a few
quid here and there. This came undone the other
day when someone came round to fix the boiler
and I accidentally got the wrong voice and
spoke in Australian. "Hi, I've come to look at
the boiler". "Noice one! Cam on in, mate! Can I
getcha a cap of tea?" Even in my own ears it
sounded bad, but I had to keep it up as it was
too late to change back to my normal voice. "Oi
dunno mate, it just sorrta stopped wurkin'!" I
was almost crying with relief by the time he
left. He probably was too." (browser)
* MMM, NATURAL FIBRES: "When I was a 15 in '84,
my first girlfriend lived 12 miles away. There
was only one bus a day and that was at 7am, so
I had to cycle. But, how to cycle 12 miles in
the 28 degree summer heat, and still look like
a New Romantic when I got there? With my
limited funds, the nearest I'd got to looking
like Simon Le Bon was to purchase an army
surplus tunic, made of that green horsehair
shit. Looked cool, I thought, as long as no one
noticed the sweat patches on my back and
armpits. This left me with the final issue of
hair. Nowadays my hair has a slight wave; not
curly enough to look after itself, but just
enough life to sentence me to daily hairwashing
or having a special-needs hairstyle. Aged 15
though, my hair was full Duran length, and the
slightest puff of wind would send it into a
sort of demented furball, which, given my
weekly quest of getting closer to my
girlfriend's fanny, simply wouldn't do. The
solution? Simple. I'm sat here 25 years on,
still cringing at the thought that I used to
ride down the main road every Saturday, in
soaring temperatures, wearing that fucking
tunic and a matching green wool balaclava.
Never did get any further than her tits."
(MrStabby)
* MMM, RIPSTOP NYLON: "Much worse than
bullying; no one made me do it. I thought it
looked cool and wanted to join in. I bought and
wore a shell suit. I hang my head in shame.
Expensive, designer shame." (Porkylips)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to know how the credit crunch has
affected you. Did you score a bargain in
Woolworths? Meet someone nice in the queue to
withdraw your 10p from Northern Rock?
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Credit cards do not accept penises <<
Bored chap notices you don't have to write your
signature perfectly on those credit card
checking machines. So he decides to see how far
he can push things...
http://snurl.
>> Rockstars and their parents. <<
A series of 10 photos of famous 1970s
singers/musicians and their folks. Our
favourite would be Ritchie Havens here. Check
out where his mum's hand is - and his dad's
face!
http://snurl.
>> Interview with an Adware author <<
Fascinating talk with a programmer who
describes the path that led to his writing evil
crap that tries to burrow into your computer
and suck out its life.
http://snurl.
>> Pet hair sweaters <<
You know those couples who dress identically,
and how freakishly twee that looks? Now you can
get the same effect when walking the dog.
http://snurl.
>> Useless superpowers <<
Comics always feature the lucky guys who got
the good powers. But what are the chances
you'll end with a useful one - or taht you'll
end up like these guys.
http://superuseless
>> Hacked road sign <<
You must never, ever tamper with the electronic
information signs they often have by the side
of the road. But here's how to do it.
http://www.i-
>> Games on film and TV <<
Picture gallery of computer games and consoles
featured, however briefly, in films or on TV
shows. Should not be as nerdily enjoyable as it
is.
http://www.tepg.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like Sky Plus but with less chavs
>> Songsmith Roxanne <<
Microsoft's backing track software has really
been let off the leash recently, with a bunch
of classic tracks getting the 'treatment'. We
were particularly tickled by the way it's
butchered Sting.
http://www.youtube.
>> End of the world <<
Pink Floyd provides the soundtrack for what
might happen on the earth's collision with a
giant asteroid that has a penchant for your
dad's music collection.
http://www.collegeh
>> Youtube Street Fighter <<
Video-and-figurine-
classic fight game. You trigger special moves
by clicking on the annotations - clever stuff!
http://www.youtube.
>> 'The slingshot man' <<
Simple country gentleman who just happens to be
a deadly aim with a slingshot. Seriously
impressive - they should ban those things.
http://www.b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Semen, penises and minges
* FUNNY URL CORNER? - "ate this last night,
really enjoyed it until i read the address."
(dannybobbeck)
http://www.bbc.
* ONE NIGHT IN MONGKOK - "Ha ha, you mentioned
Mongkok in the newsletter and there's a film I
I've had on DVD for a while now that's
comedicly titled One Night In Mongkok." (13ffx)
http://www.amazon.
* GREAT JUXTAPOSITION OF ADVERTISING - props to
the sales team who placed this. (Supergyrations)
http://img172.
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: NERD JOKES
How many do you understand?
* F(x)= sin(x) walks into a restaurant and
orders some soup. The waiter replies, "Sorry
but we don't cater for functions here."
* I have a complex relationship with my
girlfriend. I'm Real, and she's Imaginary...
* What's got feathers and goes "Pieces of
seven, pieces of seven?" A parroty error.
* An infinite number of mathematicians go into
a bar. One asks for a pint of beer, the next
asks for a half. The third asks for a quarter
of a pint, and the fourth asks for an eighth of
a pint. The barman pours two pints and says
"Just sort it out among yourselves".
* Two kittens are on a roof but both of the are
sliding down. which one falls off first? The
one with the greatest mew.
* Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because
they can't C sharp.
* Why do programmers get Halloween and
Christmas confused? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
* Two atoms are shooting the shit one day
ATOM 1: Mate, I think I've lost an electron.
ATOM 2: Are you sure?
ATOM 1: Yep, I'm positive.
* What is the contour interval around western
Europe? Zero because all the Poles are in
eastern Europe.
* Some people think the glass is half empty.
Some people think the glass is half full.
Database admins think the glass is twice the
size it needs to be.
* Your mother is so fat she sat on a Binary
Tree and turned it into a linked list in real
time.
* Two spiral galaxies walk into a pub. The
landlord says "I can serve *you*..." (points at
the first), "but not *you*..." (points at the
second). "Why not?" - "Because you're barred."
Scoring! If you understand X jokes then you =
x=0: Our mum
x=1..3: Our dad
x=4..6: Carol Vorderman
x=7..9: John Tickle
x=10..12: Steve Wozniak
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Completely fucking useless shit
Last week was a rewrite of the famous Irish
inventions jokes, rewritten of course, so that
the micks don't dump a load of tarmac in our
driveways.
Our favourites included:
* SPHYHOLE DARTBOARD - although you might feel
a bit of a prick using it. (Last Night A DJ
Killed My Dog )
http://www.b3ta.
* FRENCH / BINARY DICTIONARY - a two-bit idea
if we've ever heard of one. (monekeon)
http://www.b3ta.
* FIRE ALARM WITH SNOOZE - better than those
adverts with Julie Walters that make us feel
dreadfully guilty, then of course, do fuck all.
(Mr_Newton)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: caricatures <<
Wikipedia defines caricature as something that,
"exaggerates or distorts the essence of a
person or thing to create an easily
identifiable visual likeness." So pick a man or
woman distinguished in Art, Letters, Science or
Politics, and draw them, photoshop them or
maybe use some plasticine. Fucking hell. It's
art time init.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* IS IT GOING TO RAIN TODAY? - We asked and
jon4009 has delivered. A website that clearly
tells you that YES it will rain today or NO it
will not (via a quick query of the weather
forecast).
http://isitgoingtor
* TONY HART GALLERY PETITION - "Online
petitions don't work, but I'm going to try again
anyway," says Happytoast. In honour of kids' TV
hero Tony Hart, he wants a room in the National
Gallery set aside to carry on the great man's
legacy of educating and inspiring the children
of the UK in art and media.
http://snurl.
* WHAT DAY IS CHALLENGE MEH - "None of them got
it right", writes Canerbry, "I receive the
newsletter somewhere around 3am on a Saturday
morning here in New Zealand. The failure of all
of the submissions to consider where in the
world the page is being viewed is disappoint,
but bloody typical of you backward northern
hemisphere types. I will sit refreshing the
page every hour until the screen turns to
Saturday which will probably be around
lunchtime, by which time I will have had a full
half of Saturday where you poor folks will have
had to wait. Kudos to matthewkimberly, who got
it closest by proclaiming 'Probably Friday.'"
* BLOGGIE AWARDS - "You know that What B3ta
people have been making this week section",
asks Scary Duck, "Does my site getting
nominated for the 2009 Bloggie awards count?
eh? EH? YES, I am letting this go to my head.
Free beer, money and sex for every vote."
http://2009.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GAME OVER ARCHIVE - make a lovely Flickr set
of computer game end screens. Our fave? The big
boot in Manic Miner of course.
* KHA(aX)RN MAHCINE - you know that graph that
showed the number of google hits for how many
a's are in Khaaaaaaan? Write some code that
allows you to type any word in and specifiy the
repeating element and return a lovely graph.
E.g. Woo (36m), Wooo (5.7m), Woooo (2.2m),
Wooooo(1.3m) etc.
* GAFFA TAPE WAXING - how much body hair can you
remove from your body only using the awesome
power of gaffa tape?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by brainburger,
Darklord, Marc B, beaverwastemanageme
PaulGadd. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Geek jokes via DukeEuphoria
biscuitbiscuit, sabre-tooth monkey, donkiddick,
tjosas, RichieM, Rcantwell and KittyWaste, Le
Branleur Formidable Newsletter subjlol via A
Vagabond.
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TOP TIP:
B3ta members! Stuck for funny one liners to add
to our top tips section? Simply steal them from
Viz's excellent book.
http://www.amazon.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are
a paedophile, but you just haven't met the
right child yet?
http://www.sickiped
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