Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] "Protesting against global capitalism by doing it badly, since 2001"

This Week:
* NEW MAC ANNOUNCED - Really?
* ED BALLS - teaches typing
* TURTLE - Make your own King Koopa

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Hey there's this thing
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | called autosave now
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| maybe that'll work?"

B3ta email 585 - 14 Jun 2013

Read this issue twice by clicking here:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue585

Best people : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Poo-heads : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: AMAZON TAT
Printer lols & curious book title

* YAY PRINTERS - Go here and click the "1
customer image". All the information you require.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005I9JQWQ/b3ta-21

* BOOK TITLE OF THE WEEK: "Happy Vaginas for the
Over 40s: How to Resuscitate Your Ageing Asset
and Protect Her from Menopausal Meltdown!"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/145386539X/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making socks sticky

>> New Mac announced <<
Pig Face Turnip's enjoyable subversion of the
recent Apple trade show where everyone makes a
big hoo-hah about another expensive brick.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Mac_Announced

>> Rob Ford SOS Crackblaster <<
"I live in Toronto & our Mayor is in the midst
of a crack-smoking scandal," writes smearballs,
"I made this little tribute in light of it all,
for a live event here in the city last night. It
went over well with the crowd."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rob_Ford_SOS_Crackblaster

>> Lord Sugar keeps 'em waiting. <<
"I somehow ended up watching an instalment of
The Apprentice," confesses Black Moon, "I have
no idea how that happened, but it did give me a
couple of ideas."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lord_Sugar_keeps_em_waiting

>> PRISM-inspired Google Doodle <<
"My idea, drawn by one friend," boasts kingjay,
"Made into a Google thing with moving eyes by
another one. Yay!" Although the yays will be on
the other side of your face if you ever try to
visit the USA.
http://hay.github.io/googleeyes/

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Spoilers

Last week we wanted the things ruined for you by
people unable to keep the plot to themselves:
http://b3ta.com/questions/spoilers/

* STRING - "12yr old 'Ian', a young messer
committed to a secure unit for constantly
running away, managed to snatch a set of keys
but having to unlock every door only made it as
far as the visitor toilets before locking
himself in. Being a visitor's toilets it was
tailored for both sexes. Being a messer, young
Ian had a habit of putting things in his mouth
for attention. After Ian was removed, someone
spotted a string hanging from young Ian's
lips... The male staff were removed from the
room but we all gathered at the window to see
one of the girls kneel beside Ian and calmly
explain the facts of life. Upon hearing this
most vivid of spoilers, Ian vomited."
(dazbrilliantwhites)

* JOB - "I went for a job interview. Waiting
outside the office I could just make out the
interviewer talking to the first candidate, 'So,
you think you'd fit in with our organization? Is
the salary inline with your expectations? Can
you start next Monday? Welcome aboard.' We all
knew there was only one position. I went in next
and made up a bunch of really relevant
experience, just to ruin this prick's day." (the
other guy)

* YOU MANIACS - "I once saw an anniversary DVD
box set of the original Planet of the Apes,
which had the semi-submerged ruins of the Statue
of Liberty ON THE FUCKING COVER. I have no idea
whether or not their entire marketing department
were persuaded to commit ritual suicide, but I
can only hope." (Juan Khazoff-Quiggley)

>> This Week - SCHOOL ASSEMBLIES <<
Tell us about school assemblies that were
just plain wrong:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schoolassemblies/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Convert your turtle into Bowser <<
And he looks so happy about it, truly capturing
the fearsome evil that is King Koopa.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1013965

>> Where's Harold Shipman? <<
We used to enjoy spotting middle-aged men with
beards and giggling, "Shipalike!" Looks like
someone is playing similar games but much more
evil than us, as we'd have never photographed
them.
http://wheresharoldshipman.blogspot.co.uk/

>> Jonathan Ive iOS 7 parodies <<
iPhones taught us the awful word "skeuomorphic",
which means digital design that references the
form of physical design. An example would be a
calendar app that looks all leathery and
deskbound. The current trend is away from that,
into flat design, weirdly with Microsoft leading
and Apple playing catch up. Badly. And mocked
here.
http://j.mp/11ZgtBV

>> Worst diet ever <<
Although, at £1 a day, it'll mean you'll have
plenty of money left over to buy cigs.
http://bit.ly/16hG1mm

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: USVSTH3M
Best of the other project semi-run by B3tans

* ED BALLS TEACHES TYPING - a one line joke that
got a laugh in the office that turned into a
surprisingly playable game. How fast can YOU
type Ed Balls? Our record, without cheating, is
about 0.34 seconds.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/edballs/

* THE MAKING OF 'ED BALLS' - we enjoyed
ourselves so much with the crappy game that we
produced a self-indulgent making-of post.
It's like Heart of Darkness.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/52797391851/

* 14 PEOPLE YOU REGRET FOLLOWING ON TWITTER -
possibly the most passive-aggressive post you
could stick on Twitter. Try it and make your
friends anxious.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/52633709278/

Oh yeah and you should sub to the daily newsletter:
http://bit.ly/ZizxOD

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Animated Gifs with sound

>> Star Trek, deshaked <<
You know those bits of Trek where the Enterprise
gets shot at by Klingons and the director shakes
the camera? Want to know what it looks like
without the camera shake? Yeah you do, and the
answer is: a bit silly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Trek_deshaked

>> Evolution of 'Get Lucky' over 100 years <<
10 parodies of Get Lucky that don't overstay
their welcome. Although we suspect the 2020 mix
is as about as accurate as a dog shit.
http://bit.ly/1a1KI2K

>> Dildo / gun mix-up <<
Old gentleman fails to realise that his toy gun
is in fact a dildo. For real? Could he be in on
the joke? If he is, he plays it wonderfully
straight.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1013616

>> Face-folding <<
A classic Photoshop trick, or even paper-folding
trick brought wonderfully to life in a series of
famous film clips.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Face_Folding

>> Photoshop Live - Street Retouch Prank <<
Weirding people out with Photoshop at a bus-stop.
We suspect they're not showing us the clips
where people shat themselves and ran away.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1013769

>> Racist lols <<
This week it's about confronting white Americans
with their own unconscious racism. Nails a
certain racial stereotype pretty well.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1015836

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Board Game Challenge

Last week we wanted you to insert board game
characters into real life. These instructions
were largely ignored, but it was still fun.

Your favourites included:

* TIMBER: perennial b3tan Hulk Hogan smashes
wood (DanGleeballs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10970388

* STRATEGY: minor b3ta meme reference leads to
board perplexion (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10970730

* MOTHERLODE: gaming truthiness explored via the
medium of TOAP (Drimble)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10970644

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/board-games/

>> New challenge: Crap X-Men <<
For every useful, cool mutation there
must be countless pathetic ones, such as a
bloke with the ability to read the minds
of frogs, or the power to identify
different biscuits in the dark. This
week's challenge, suggested by Woodlouse,
is to reveal these "powers"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/x-men/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* IF YOU'RE CODEY THEN GIVE B3MUSED A HAND -
Music site creator needs help.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/B3mused_needs_a_Saviour

* SHED OF THE YEAR FINALISTS - Uncle Wilco makes
posts like articles on our site. Very useful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1016808

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include - blah
blah, let's tell you what we really think:

* CHEAP HOUSING - in our area 40 years ago you
could get a large Victorian house for £500 (About
£70/£80k in today's terms.) Now it's £1m to £2m.
Impossible, unless you're sucking the devil's
dick, and the devil never even offered.

* CHEAP TRANSPORT - £2.40 for a bus ride? Mental.

* PUBLIC TOILETS EVERYWHERE - ffs - what
happened to the dream of being able to have a
slash without needing to either A. pay or B. feel
anxious about using a pub and not buying a drink?

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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Friends: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Enemies: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @NomisSilloc,
planearm, HappyToast, @mrmarkreed, hinigawa,
King Ralph, nospoon @mattround, routine,
Araucaria & Amadeus. Researched laying in bed in
NW5 and mostly written on the Northern Line then
the DLR. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via

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TOP TIP:
Avoid having to deal with annoying digital
rights management issues by pirating all of your
music and software. (Munsta)