Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] "Come on, Tim!"

This Week:
* KITTENS - why do we like them?
* 12 TIMES TABLE - why do we learn it?
* ACTRESSES - why do we explode them?

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We've shaving the yak,
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | together, since 2001"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|

B3ta email 587 - 28 Jun 2013

Read this issue in the bath and get electrocuted:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue587

Friends : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Bastards : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
The Goatee Shaving Template

No, you didn't read "goatse" but, still, this
item is totally weird. Right?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001F2B3P8/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making hay-fever snot

>> Jellytext <<
Our lovely chum ‏@mattround has been riffing on
the rubbish old text system we had on TVs before
the modern miracle of the Red Button.
http://mattround.com/jellytext/

>> Trippy Bloc Party video <<
"Finally", writes Mutated Monty AKA Cyriak, "I
got to make a video for a band I had actually
heard of!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/video_I_made_for_Bloc_Party

>> Shapey Dave <<
"A kids' TV show we were trying to pitch,"
writes Weebl, "Any television types out there,
I'd love feedback about where we went wrong!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shapey_Dave

>> I Love You So Hard Part 4 <<
"I love you so hard! I'd do anything for you!"
writes Joel Veitch. "Part 4 of a collaboration
between me and Butters. Our demented Lothario
continues his romantic quest to win the woman of
his dreams."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_Love_You_So_Hard_Part_4

>> Why we like cat videos <<
Somegreybloke mulls over the reasons why we love
to watch video of cute kittens cavorting on the
internet. Deep.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Why_we_like_cat_videos

>> A Summer Jam <<
"Produced on Werkbench, flower pots, snifter, and
drum machine," writes app producer karls. "At
least I think that is a snifter." Enjoyable
seeing music being produced this way, in front of
your eyes with impromptu samples.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1023548

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Exploding Actresses <<
Clips of actresses exploding. We shared this
link earlier in the week and got accused of
misogyny, but we feel this work is largely comic
and critical of Hollywood tropes rather than
hating women. Also, explosions = funny!
http://explodingactresses.tumblr.com/

>> WWII Pictures shot with Kodachrome <<
The "old stuff in colour" trope seldom fails to
entertain. It works because of our delusion that
the past was more different than we think. Yet
if you could speak to someone in 1940, their
feet would have the same aches and their noses
the same itches.
http://bit.ly/UYn3GA

>> Facebook competition fail <<
Fine example of corporate schadenfreude - a
concept so enjoyable that we could probably
start a Tumblr called that and have, ooh, 100
followers within a week. Yay.
http://bit.ly/16BgGQo

>> Useless everyday objects <<
Photoshops executed with a deadpan sensibility.
Sinks with no plugs. Reminds us of old racist
Irish jokes from the 70s about rubbish
inventions. Which we won't share as it's no
longer the 1970s, etc.
http://www.giuseppecolarusso.it/chi_siamo.html

>> Robert Downey Jr pin-ups <<
Extraordinary, inexplicable, unexpectedly
arousing. All things we could say about these
peculiar photoshops.
http://bit.ly/19GzkIq

>> The 90s button <<
Push in David Hasselhoff's face to dispense a
steady stream of 1990s music video hits.
http://the90sbutton.com/

>> Is there any point to the 12 times table? <<
Mathematical examination of why it's basically
pointless bothering to learn the 12 times table.
With graphs!
http://bit.ly/1aObTOU

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Social Media Meltdowns

Last week we asked if you'd ever said something
you regretted on the internet. A barrel of fish
meets a friendly shotgun here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/socialmediameltdowns/

* SYMPATHY - "My friend 'Rob' (which actually is
his name, I'm going for the double bluff)
suffered an unfortunate sequence of events that
led him to hint in a Facebook update that he was
going to kill himself. His girlfriend had left
him, his Crohn's was flaring like the sun, and,
worst of all, he was a Proper Ginga. Born that
way. The hints of suicide started about 2am,
grew steadily more blatant, and around 5am he
swallowed a mixture of massive and legal drugs,
and signed off with a quote. 'Goodbye, and
thanks for all the fish!' Amidst the worried
messages was this priceless gem: 'It's "So long,
and thanks for all the fish." Get it right.'"
(searlichek)

* PARANOIA - "I had someone ask me to remove a
picture I'd posted from a party once because you
could see their kid in the background. I thought
it was a bit weird but I obeyed. She then asked
me if I could make sure the photo had been
destroyed. I replied that they were being a bit
OTT and it was a digital photo anyway. She replied
and said, 'well send me the original digital
photo!' So I emailed it to her. Presumably she
deleted it..."
(SnowyTheRabbit)

* SPELIN - "I was in a LinkedIn group which was
otherwise worthy and businesslike except for one
contributor in Singapore. Most of her posts were
normal and to the point, but every once in a
while she'd her meds and start huge long caps-lock
rants about THE ARYANS! ARYANS! were monitoring
our actions, ARYANS! had superior technology,
ARYANS! were posing as human beings. This was a
bit much considering most of us in the group were
white middle-class Europeans. It took us a while
to realise that she was ranting rather phonetically
about ALIENS."
(Bootsthealchemist)

>> This Week - YUM! <<
Tell us / show us / send us the best thing
you've ever cooked or had cooked for you.
Even if it is a £10 burger.
http://b3ta.com/questions/foodporn/

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but you know, somehow on the web

>> Smooth Criminal <<
Turns out the eastern religions were right - to
redress his karmic imbalance, Michael Jackson
has been reincarnated as a kitten.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Smooth_Criminal:2

>> Dancing Optical Illusion <<
Your mind will be boggled. Prepare for the
boggling.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dancing_Optical_Illusion

>> Richard Dawkins LSD extravaganza <<
From the YT description: "Evolutionary biologist
Richard Dawkins introduces the Saatchi & Saatchi
New Directors' Showcase 2013 in Cannes and
spreads his memes." He does indeed. the true
madness begins at 4:45.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1022250

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: USVSTH3M
The "other" project some B3tans are running

* Pound coin rude word challenge - We've just
noticed that if you line up the letters on the
edges of pound coins you can make it spell out
rude words. Result.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/54017748753/

* Morrissey reviewing singles in Smash Hits - In
1984 the editors of the legendary pop music
magazine invited Morrissey in to review the
singles. He did a fantastic job. Quotable,
bitchy and concise. It's like Morrissey invented
Twitter in the Eighties.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/54008306908/

* The Infinite Ed Miliband Slash Fiction
Generator. For reasons that are not entirely
clear even to us, we have made a website that
will generate explicit gay erotica about Labour
leader Ed Miliband. NSFW.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/slashmiliband/

We do a daily email of this shit - sign up.
http://bit.ly/ZizxOD

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fiction/Science Fiction
Challenge

Last week we asked you to turn regular
fiction into science fiction. Oh, what
fun you had!

Your favourites included:

* LLOYD: silent clock dangler offered
assistance by lapsed Jedi (colinr)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10974872

* KANE: multi-legged insect is bad news
for Executive Officer (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10976694

* MARVIN: paranoid android introduces
festive psychosis to TV schedule (BubaMan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10976090

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fiction-science-fiction/

>> New challenge: Movie Quotes Challenge <<
This week's challenge is to conjure up
visual representations of film quotes:
don't name the film, don't mention the
quote, just represent it in pictures and
see who can guess what it is! Challenge
suggested by Smash Monkey
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/movie-quotes/

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* A WAY TO PAUSE YOUTUBE VIDS playing in other
tabs, so we don't have to go frantically
searching for whatever's making that terrible
racket.

* A MACHINE THAT AUTOMATES THIS - possibly our
least-favourite part of newsletter writing after
Funny Names.

* WORLD PEACE AND UNIVERSAL EQUALITY. We feel
like dicks for not wishing for this sooner.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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Muckers: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Fuckers: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by UTB, Gratch,
jakedamusss, PhillieJoe, bananaprince,
‏@sarahmontrose, The Tramp Surveyor, @copybeard,
@heroswitzerland, and SimonJ.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Redsushi!

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TOP TIP:
Make your own wasps by sharpening bees. (NoStrings)