This Week:
* WASPS - beware the Garden Defender
* McAFEE - uninstalls McAfee Antivirus
* SICKTIONARY - The rude euphemism thesaurus
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web to smoke it
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| and get high"
B3ta email 586 - 21st Jun 2013
Lick this newsletter with your iTongue:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue586
Bubs : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Tubs : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: AMAZON TAT (Affiliate link)
Expensive cable / funny reviews
bsplendens84 writes, "Searching for network
backbone cabling I came across this Denon AKDL1
Dedicated Link Cable, for $400 on Amazon... with
what has to be the funniest review page to go
with it. With apparent features promising things
from locally solving global warming to a
spontaneous re-growth of lost limbs (assuming
you've followed the 'directional connection
indicators') I think it's quite a find. Mine's
already in the post."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000I1X6PM/b3ta-20
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making snot via hay-fever
>> Looking For Keegan <<
"Here's a sketch we made about Kevin Keegan."
beams SeldomDiffer. A young lad, coming of age,
seeks guidance from his footballing hero.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Looking_For_Keegan:2
>> The Garden Defender <<
"DO YOU HATE WASPS??" demands DefyingDarwin.
Amazing infomercial - we would buy one in a
second. NSFW sweary, if that's going to be a
problem.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Garden_Defender:2
>> Rude Euphemism Thesaurus <<
What's the best rude term for penis? How about
for vagina? Sicktionary aims to provide the
definitive answers to these and similar
questions. Submit your own, judge which is best
in Battle Mode, look at graphs, listen to the
sat-nav voice guy try to talk dirty - Rob & Tom
Scott lavished a lot of love on this. Which is a
euphemism we're about to submit.
http://sicktionary.usvsth3m.com/
>> Nature Watch - Riding my Dolphin <<
"When TV biologists love their animals a little
too much..." begins BIG FACE, this sort of thing
is bound to happen.
http://b3ta.com/links/Nature_Watch_Riding_my_Dolphin
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
School Assemblies
Personally, the worst assembly I ever attended
was the one that Margaret Thatcher turned up
to, but these have a lot more farting:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schoolassemblies/
* SHUDDER - "Our last assembly of school. The
teachers emerged from the fug of the staff room,
reeking of smoke, to do a 'gang show' of sorts.
It started amicably enough with one teacher
weaving as many surnames as possible into a
short story. Skip to the end. The grand finale.
Miss Wells. Horn-rimmed glasses, prim, proper,
fierce. Retiring with us, that year. The
headmistress no less. The lights dimmed. The
music started. *That* music. Often promising,
rarely portentous. But of course, context is
key. Dressed in chiffon and rose-coloured
taffeta with a feather boa to boot, she proceed
to gyrate in what we can only assume she thought
was an alluring manner. Layer one I can't
remember clearly, but layers two and three are
etched indelibly... a black negligee, the merest
suggestion of stockings and suspenders. Oh. My.
God. For the love of all things bright and
beautiful, please stop there. And then the
negligee came off. Really Miss Wells, what were
you thinking? That we were all biddy fiddlers?
Did you lose a bet? We will never know."
(Countryslicker)
* PARP - "At primary school, my friend George
was so shy that he would do almost anything to
avoid attention. Usually this was disastrous,
such as queuing up for gym class naked because
that was somehow preferable, in his mind, to
admitting that he'd forgotten his kit. Anyway.
My favourite memory was when, afraid to fart as
our genteel Scottish headmistress read a bible
story, he held it in until it literally whistled
out through clenched butt-cheeks with a sound
like a boiling kettle. He sat there still
cross-legged, visibly straining, with a face
like an angry Buddha. It was so weird that even
a large group of 5-9 year olds looked on in
stunned silence for a moment before collapsing
in giggles. George had to go and sit outside the
hall." (SnowyTheRabbit)
* OHP - "The overhead projector played a key
role in school assemblies. Responsibility for
the OHP was not offered lightly. It involved
replacing slides when asked, and also altering
the height of the projector if necessary by
adding or removing books to the pile on which it
rested. This took initiative. I was only trusted
with the task once. Red haired and prone to
allergies, an unexpected sneeze blasted strings
and blobs of bogies onto the machine, which were
then displayed to the hall three or four feet
high in glorious 80s technicolor." (browser)
>> This Week - Social Media Meltdowns <<
Ever said something you've regretted on the
internet? Know somebody who posts first and asks
questions later? Dob them in to us, the internet
police.
http://b3ta.com/questions/socialmediameltdowns/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Educational toy or sex toy? <<
A strange device for children with sensory
difficulties to chew instead of the tops of
pens. 'T' shaped so they don't swallow. The
shaft diameter is 15mm. Which is,
co-incidentally, the diameter of the average
penis.
http://bit.ly/11rkovM
>> Finally, someone won Facebook! <<
We're all free to leave!
http://bit.ly/1bZsuwR
>> Cloud storage. <<
Looks dead handy.
http://prism.andrevv.com/
>> Gallery of guys with imaginary girlfriends <<
Not only are they entirely not sad, they're very
slick with Photoshop too. Our tip to young men
without lady interest? Cover yourself in Lynx
deodorant - ladies love it.
http://bit.ly/11ZRZMZ
>> Council communication of the year <<
Won by Bristol City Council. Go them.
http://i.imgur.com/r4HzPMk.jpg
>> One woman's struggle to re-use a cake tin <<
She tries so hard. But it's shaped like a cock.
http://bit.ly/12GMo1l
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with a spunk-flecked screen
>> 7 seconds that'll make you laugh <<
This is still going round our head an hour
later. Watch it twice, nay watch it four times
and you'll still have time to boil an egg.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Who_you_gonna_call:2
>> 9 secs that'll make you laugh slightly less <<
Hopefully this is a new trend - short and funny,
it certainly makes consuming web comedy less
tiresome. (Yes we know about those 5 second
video guys, don't send it in, they've got a
movie deal now.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/House_Painting
>> BBC Radio Four in a nutshell <<
If it wasn't for the relentless coverage of the
Royals, religion and the weather at sea we doubt
we'd be that aware of them.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/BBC_Radio_Four_in_a_nutshell
>> How to uninstall McAfee antivirus <<
Presented by John McAfee himself - we're unsure
what to make of this. Hero? Twat? Both
simultaneously? Also, hopefully marking a trend
in antivirus software people losing the plot.
Looking forward to the Norton Utilities guy
telling us about his tiger blood.
http://youtu.be/bKgf5PaBzyg
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Crap X-Men Challenge
Last week we wanted you to give the X-Men
crap mutations
Your favourites included:
* DOMESTIC: green-haired girl cleans crockery
with ladywool (Drimble)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10973101
* BEADLE: tiny-handed TV prankster displays
weaponry (riverghost)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10972386
* GLASS: Google-specs backfire during animated
bank raid (shiro_kuma)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10973857
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/x-men/
>> New challenge: Science Fiction Update <<
This week's challenge is to re-imagine classic
films and literature as science fiction movies
and stories. From soap opera to space opera, and
so on. Thank you.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fiction-science-fiction/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HAY-FEVER TO BE BANNED - having the superpower
of being able to detect when plants have sex
isn't all it's cracked up to be.
* WHY DO SOME POOS FLOAT AND REFUSE TO FLUSH?
What's the science behind this? Does diet impact
the flushability of shit?
* AN OFF BUTTON FOR THE TV - that turned it off
everywhere. Friends don't let friends #bbcqt
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Success : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MrOli, tacpprm,
sinisterduck, pissflaps, The Great Architect,
Mandrake, Fluffster, BaronMunchausen & Beh3moth.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Create your Spinal Tap guitarist name by dull
bloke name + Tube station. ie. Nigel Tufnell,
Eric Clapton and, er, Gareth Southgate.
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