Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] "More gags than a Midwest basement"

This Week:
* TIME - and your insignificant place in it
* UN-WORDS - to unforget
* CARELESS WHISPER - as Walking Dead theme

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our pennies
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for... Rod Stewart"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|

B3ta email 580 - 10 May 2013

Read this issue as exhibit A in court:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue580

Flirty fishing : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Throw it back : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: AMAZON TAT (Sponsored, nay affiliate link)
Anniversary wank reviews

Baldychops writes, "Not put off by those no
sense of humour Amazon people who deleted my
fisting with Vaseline review, I've continued my
research. It occurred to me the other day that
2013 marks the 35th anniversary of my
first-ever wank. So, thanks to Amazon, I
revisited that first time and then wrote all
about it."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007K7JL0G/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Meals, MeFi, Unwords and Baking

>> David's Meals For One <<
"A delicious/depressing pilot I made for a new
TV chef. Contains nuts," writes Alrightbymoe.
Funny, although your kitchen looks too nice and
clean to be genuinely owned by a bloke living
on your own. We postulate you're fibbing, oh
it's called acting is it? Who knew?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdsshWtlHhc

>> Meta Mitchell & Webb Filter <<
No fool, Metafilter fan Matt Round: "For the
longest time I have had the theory that for
every FPP there is a somewhat relevant Mitchell
& Webb sketch." And, dammit, looks like he's
right.
http://mattround.com/metamitchellandwebbfilter/

>> 63 Un-words <<
"These words may save your life!" exclaims
lexicographer Joel Veitch, inventor of 63
brand-new words of almost startling situational
uselessness. Good stuff, from the boy Veitch.
http://b3ta.com/links/63_Un_Words

>> "A bag of flour and a bucket of water" <<
"I was given the rushes for a Greggs
documentary," writes cut-up swedemason. "I
suffered hours and hours of folks banging on
about sausage rolls. This guy was quality
though." How many times can you hear the word
"baking", before it stops making sense? That
was amazing, give us another slice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/996375

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Midlife Crisis

Last week we wanted to know if the midlife
crisis had hit you and with what:
http://b3ta.com/questions/midlifecrisis

* COMPLIMENTS - "I was working in my lab the
other day when one of the more attractive
members of the department approached me. She's
American and all curves and cleavage. "Tell me,
sittingduck. Me and (another unattainable
sexbomb) were chatting about you the other
day." Oh yes? "Threesome here we come?!" said
my mind. She went on... "and we decided that
with your spiked hair and old band T-shirts you
haven't changed how you dress since you went to
University. Are we right?" Ouch." (sittingduck)

* CONSIDERATION - "Not so much a crisis, more a
shift in perspective. When considering buying a
DVD box set, I find myself calculating how many
times I might watch it before I die."
(moon monkey)

* COCKS - "I bought a leather jacket, started
listening to Kasabian and bought a Thai bride!
Turned out she has a cock, but that's alright,
I'm pretty open-minded." (DOZERTRON!)

>> This Week - MY SAVIOUR <<
Labour leader Ed Miliband recently dashed into
the middle of a road to save a fallen cyclist.
Who has come to your rescue? Have you ever been
the rescuer?
http://b3ta.com/questions/mysaviour/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Trolling handymen <<
Possibly not the most deserving group to troll,
but amusing nonetheless, replying to small ads
with fanciful nonsense.
http://textastrophe.com

>> Your eyes on a pet <<
Say you're stuck for a new "trez hilaire" pic
for Myspace or Friends Reunited, why not stick
your eyes and mouth on a picture of a kitten?
We tried using a photo of Angelina Jolie and,
after a few experimental wanks, we've decided
we prefer her without facial fur or a tail.
http://www.petswitch.com/

>> Realistic LSD simulator <<
TIP: Run out of Acid? Stare at these GIFs for
30 seconds & then panic about what you'd say if
your Dad phoned right now.
http://dvdp.tumblr.com

>> How to feel quite small <<
Douglas Adams once claimed that showing your
position in space would result in learning how
insignificant you are - here's a similar
concept, but with time.
http://hereistoday.com/

>> Tony Blackburn's autobiography compressed <<
Disc-jockey (remember that phrase?) Blackburn's
autobiography is an insight-free whistlestop
tour through modern history. His thoughts on
JFK and the Miners' strike illustrate nothing
but the shallowness of his mind. Wonderful
stuff; better than the Alan Partridge book.
http://bit.ly/13ZqORG

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like real life but full of lies and smaller

>> FPS style music video <<
We didn't want to enjoy this celebration of
uber violence but sadly we did. Pray for our
souls.
http://vimeo.com/62092214

>> Black neighbour is auto-tuned <<
As Slate points out, although we can't help but
laugh, the frequency of this meme is starting
to look racist.
http://slate.me/18UqDbi

>> How do YOU sit? <<
If you don't sit like Star Trek's Riker,
lifting a leg astride the chair, then you are
not a real man (or lady). Also what a tight,
bottom-hugging costume Wesley Crusher had to
wear. Blimey.
http://slate.me/11jCvWD

>> Daft Punk vs Flute <<
'Finally, Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" gets the
infusion of flute it so desperately needed.'
Well, it says "flute" but that looks like a big
recorder to us. Wonderfully deadpan. BTW: We
have a theory that nobody actually likes this
song and Daft Punk have employed 500,000 call
centre operatives to turn out memes.
http://bit.ly/17ChvJt

>> Careless Whisper as theme song <<
Wonderful, simply gag: replace the theme tune
on shows that take themselves seriously with
the parping cheese-sax of Wham's classic lament.
http://carelesswhisperthemesongs.tumblr.com/

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: FRIDAY GAME
Where's That StreetView?

Look at a Google StreetView location. Guess
where it is. Lesson? A fair bit of the
ex-Soviet Union looks like Spain. Oh, and you
can cheat if you get the chance to read shop
signs.
http://geoguessr.com/

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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Cancelled due to lack of funny

Maybe there's someone out there called Dick,
but we can't be bothered to look. Why not
google for Dick?

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Whale Challenge

Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
majesty of whales. Your favourites included:

* FOOTWEAR: startlingly realistic, cgi-
free reproduction of a killer (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10960238

* LIFE: Douglas Adams tribute suddenly
called into existence (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10960175

* GASTROPOD: freakish, Mengele-style
manipulation of nature, for your
pleasure (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10960135

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/whales/

>> New challenge: Invent A Vehicle <<
This week's challenge is to design the
most amazing vehicle ever, and to picture
it doing what it's designed for. It'll be
like Top Gear, but with fewer twats in
the audience
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-vehicles/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* FURTIVE WEDDING RING UPDATE - iain writes,
"Oh my, I missed the second peak of traffic for
the Furtive Wedding Ring article - didn't
realise I made the newsletter. So, erm, thanks.
I used to spend a ludicrous amount of my
working day send gazzes and F5-ing QOTW. I've
stopped posting on b3ta now (proper job etc.)
and so has my wife but Offtopic was where we
met. Thanks again. Your site rules."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/981228

* SAD NEWS - skeltonator writes, "Hi guys,
sorry to pass on the sad news, our very own
PCmechanic passed away on Friday, after a long
battle with disease. I have started a tribute
thread on /links which we will pass on to his
family. Just wondering if you can put something
on the FP or in the newsletter."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hello_all:3

* R.I.P. RAY HARRYHAUSEN - if someone beloved
by the public has died, chances are a tribute
was made by a B3tan back in the day. This week,
we're digging out Matt Round's classic work
from the days when stills from video were used
to save bandwidth.
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/tribute/

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include:

* CYBER-CRIMES BILL - sounds like a new
character in Viz. "Grr! I wanted to troll a
Facebook group about some dead kids but I've
been forced to pick up litter instead!"

* BUBBLE-WRAP FILLED WITH KY JELLY - to
simulate the joy of squeezing spots.

* BOOZE THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT AND TIRED -
come on science, you can solve this.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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Workers : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Shirkers : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson, partially on the Northern Line and
DLR. Reminds us of some early issues of B3ta
which were similarly written on public
transport using, would you believe it, a Palm
Pilot. Bananas!
Stuff sent in by @maxxburton, @matt_round,
@etienneshrdlu48s, @thesaharadesert,
@eamonncarey, @UPROXX, @somegreybloke,
@b0rk3d_GB and @iratesheep.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tips via robneymcplum.
Subjlols via claptonista.

Also, Douglas Adams in Highgate Cemetery:
http://pic.twitter.com/iVkrUzVs4R

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TOP TIP:
Bus companies: Have an illuminated route number
sign on the back of your bus, to alert you as it
cheerfully drives away that you've missed the
fucker. In the rain.