Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: [b3ta] "FINALLY Y2K COMPLIANT!"

This Week:
* STEVE JOBS VID - Mad, bad & dead
* CRAPPING PAPER - Wonderfully thoughtless wrap
* HOME ALONE - Burglars' injuries analysed

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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | balls together...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| especially the ladies"

B3ta email 560 - 21 Dec 2012

Read this issue pretending to be a badger:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue???

Love off: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Shove off : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: AMAZON TAT (sponsored link, sort of)
Depressed? Squeeze your anus 100 times a day

One of the more unlikely self-help books that
have come our way. The title is great, the
description mind-blowing.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0595094724/b3ta-21

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Apple, Homophobia, Hearing & Wrapping Paper

>> Steve Jobs (Enslaved With Shiny Things) <<
Ginger Fuhrer, Superpowerless & Peepholecircus
are working together again and have produced a
wonderful song about Jobs and his shitty
digital handcuff products. It'll be broadcast
on TV too - in a C4 production called Mashed,
featuring lots of B3tans work - broadcast
Friday 28th December 2012, 11.40pm, Channel 4.
Huzzah.
http://bit.ly/Tc2QPY

>> Homosexual Activity (SPOOF TRAILER) <<
"If the pope made a gay marriage horror movie,
this is what it would look like..." claims a
wildly sweating teaandcheese. Don't fret -
we're *satirising* bigotry and making the world
safe for democracy.
http://bit.ly/Tc2Qj4

>> Billy 2.0 - Go go Gadget Ears <<
"A month since the operation," updates b3tan
helmsdeep, "And two days since my cochlear
implant was switched on. The whole thing felt
weird and made me have a whitey. WARNING:
Contains drug references."
http://wlmager.com/billy-2-0-coming-up-on-an-e/

>> Crapping Paper™
"A stupid thing I crapped out, just in time for
those last minute presents you didn't really
think about," confesses copybeard. "It's the
wrapping paper that ruins the surprise!™"
Ingenious, because this way you can claim all
your gifts are 'tongue in cheek'.
http://crappingpaper.co.uk/

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: BOOK OF THE WEEK
TV Reviews - Victor Lewis-Smith

Your Ginger Fuhrer occasionally works for VLS,
making titles for his C4 documentaries. We
mention this, as VLS has a great book out and
we tried to badger him for an interview but he
doesn't do interviews. Very wise. But you
should read the book, and find out exactly
where characters like Charlie Brooker got their
TV review schtick from.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00ANUSCA2/b3ta-21

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: WTF?
Scaryduck has done a book!

"If you've nothing else better for the
newsletter," interjects Scaryduck, "I've
finally finished the book that took me five
years, a divorce and two nervous breakdowns to
write. It's a comedy thriller about geeks and
nerds and has a b3ta meme or two in it.

"People wouldn't stop asking if there was going
to be a version in Comic Sans (The Font of
Champions), so I did a version in Comic Sans
(The Font of Champions)"

Read some extracts and Scary's blurb:
http://bit.ly/XUmbUx

Buy it right now, as you know you must:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00AP6OJJW/b3ta-21

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Overcoming Adversity

We asked how you'd overcome adversity. You lot
decided to tell stories about putting things up
your arse, and then got owned by a guy with
Crohn's disease who no longer has an arse:
http://b3ta.com/questions/overcomingadversity/

* SHIFTED - "My Grandad lost his left arm fighting
against Franco in the Spanish Civil War. He was
a Welsh miner but, like many others, was willing
to lose his life in the fight against fascism.
He returned to the UK after a long stint in a
PoW camp and, with his buddy who had also lost
an arm, started up a REMOVALS company. Yep - who
needs two arms to shift furniture around?"
(l0bst3r)

* PATCHED - "Well, after being told it would
happen for over 30 years, I've now gone blind
in my left eye. On the downside, I walk into
things a lot and miss when I try to pick up
stuff. I also can't ride my bike anymore. On
the upside, I can now legitimately dress as
a pirate for fancy dress parties. Yarr."
(Smash Monkey)

* STRAINED - "Once managed to ejaculate after
drinking 9 pints of Guinness. Almost severed
a wrist tendon to get there mind."
(Merry Fitmas and an Eppy New Year)

>> This Week - RELIEF <<
Last week, Scaryduck thought he'd run over and
killed something to find he'd squished a bin
bag. What was not as grim as you first thought?
http://b3ta.com/questions/qotwrelief/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Best book jackets <<
Cover gallery, with such treats as Taschen's
reversible 'panic jackets', that make porno
look like philosophy.
http://pinterest.com/pin/2322237279511947/

>> Home Alone burglars - a doctor writes <<
Doctor examines the real-world consequences
of the numerous injuries inflicted on the
hapless bandits by prepubescent Macaulay Culkin
in the Chris Columbus Christmas classic.
http://bit.ly/SYarDM

>> Soup in the movies <<
Every scene, from every film. As long as it
involves or references soup.
http://www.soupsong.com/imovies.html

>> Mysterious, magical basement <<
Exploration of an amazing, WWI-era basement in
Portland, Oregon. The stuff on the wall is
fascinating.
http://cabel.me/2012/12/19/the-basement/

>> 12 letters that didn't make the alphabet <<
Fascinating historical overview of the 27th- to
38th-best letters of the English alphabet.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/156077

>> CITV to broadcast classic kids TV <<
For two days in January, you and your kids can
watch the children's shows of your childhood:
Supergran, Duckula, The Tomorrow People, Art
Attack, Raggy Dolls etc. This will teach them a
valuable lesson about nostalgia.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-20780372

>> Funniest autocorrects of 2012 <<
You might try to act so jaded, you may promise
yourself not to giggle, but it's all in vain.
Yes, this even wrested a smirk from our
thin-lipped, stoney faces.
http://bit.ly/12yy6eS

>> 100 internet things you should have seen 2012 <<
You need to retain your nerd cred at the point
in the New Year party when everybody starts
showing each other YouTube videos. This is the
definitive list you need. What, at your parties
people start to make out instead? Well, to each
their own, buddy.
http://www.youshouldhaveseenthis2012.com/

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

>> The most easily scared man in the World? <<
Interview with the star of a number of popular
internet startle videos. Blurs the line between
hilarity and workplace bullying, but he
genuinely seems into it.
http://bit.ly/UN1Uzs

>> Cooking for one <<
Henry's Kitchen talks you through how to
prepare a nutritious and fulfilling meal for
just yourself. To eat, alone in your empty
apartment.
http://bit.ly/ZocHHg

>> Skull-fucking and lesbian scissors <<
Viral-schmiral shows what your possessions get
up to when you're not looking, the dirty
bastards. Santa! Nooo!
http://bit.ly/12tTsLo

>> Christmas in 47 seconds <<
Nicely apt bit of newsreel-based bah humbuggery.
http://bit.ly/WuyHuD

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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still junk but we always run it

Anon writes, "I know you despair at the
low-brow humour that is Funny Name Corner, so
maybe this week you could introduce a bit of
culture. Allow me to introduce Baroque
organists and composers, Johann Fux and Samuel
Scheidt. Hopefully this week's Funny Name
Corner will be less fuxing scheidt."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Fux
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Scheidt

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: FRIDAY GAME
A Blocky Christmas

Finally, a flash game where you play a magnet.
At Christmas. Level 12 is hard. But then so is
our penis, or at least it used to be, in the
1990s.
http://bartbonte.com/ablockychristmas/

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Accidents Challenge

Last week we wanted you to picture
accidents waiting to happen

Your favourites included:

* HULK: elderly wrestler prepares to
unleash terror on unsuspecting city
(Frogbeat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10896240

* COLOUR: unfortunate recruit prepares
for stereotypical early exit from TV
show (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10896290

* LOUD: spectacular, card-based
construction quietly stalked by
bellowing foe (Dristmas)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10896514

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/accidents/

>> New challenge: Bizarre Facts <<
Under the Wildlife and Countryside Act
it is explicitly illegal in Britain to
use a machine gun to kill a hedgehog.
This week's challenge is to find
similarly bizarre facts, and Photoshop
the ass out of them. Challenge suggested
by Jabberwoc
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bizarrefacts/

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: B3TA GAZETTE
Births, death & marriages

* RIP PRINTMEISTER - Sad news, as long-time
b3ta legend Printmeister has passed away. A
truly talented, funny guy, who made a lot of
people laugh, here's the tribute page with some
of his greatest hits.
http://b3ta.com/board/10899314

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

* MAKEY MAKEY KEYBOARD - flatfrog writes, "A
while ago when I was running a small club at my
kids' school, I came up with an ambitious plan
to make and run a game of Just a Minute, by
taking apart a keyboard and wiring it up to
doorbells, so pressing a bell would be
equivalent to pressing a key on the keyboard.

"It came frustratingly close to working but was
just too fragile - it was all done with bits of
silver foil and crocodile clips attached to the
keyboard's circuit board pins. It sounds like
the Makey Makey kit would have been just what I
needed and we could have used bits of fruit for
buzzers - that would have been awesome."

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include:

* GUNS THAT ONLY KILL BAD PEOPLE - maybe they
could measure your soul on the quality of your
Facebook friends?

* DAILY MAIL OR NAZI PROPAGANDA QUIZ - can you
tell from these quotes?

* A BUTTON THAT SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS - from
world peace to marital discord.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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Kissy kissy: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Pissy pissy: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Salvage,
Gratch, tonyharrison, largoembargo, Lord,
‏@merlinharries, @buzzfeed, ‏@Freudenschade,
@mattround, h3donist, ‏@LeeRedders,
Fadgebadger, ‏@LondonYank.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Trop trips via Paolo Nutini's Bikini.

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