This Week:
* VID - Flip flops
* COSTUME - Death Star
* ANIMALS - Riot Dog
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "B3ta is planning a
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | coalition newsletter
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| with NTK"
B3ta email 428 - 14 May 2010
Print this issue and read it on the bog:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue428/
Lovely people: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Awful bastards: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
Win money! £2000 of the stuff.
Sty TV is searching for the funniest double act
since Cameron and Clegg. Upload a short clip
showing your skills - if the public and judges
love it, you'll get your own web TV show and
£2,000. Also, vote for your favourites for a
chance to win an Apple iPad.
http://www.stytv.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Flip Flops, Death Star, PM Letter & Sea Slugs
>> Flip Flops <<
"I'm surprised how long it's taken me to make a
film about the old comedy staple of slipping on
a banana skin," bleats Sheep! This is a lovely
bit of footwear-based whimsy. If flip-flops had
an ad budget he'd be getting paid right now.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Flip_Flops
>> Creation of the Death Star <<
"This is what I envisage Darth Vader had in
mind when he created the Death Star a long time
ago, in a galaxy far far away," says pdjpdj,
who is a funny, silly man. "I can only just fit
out the front door with it on. It would look
rather cool as I cycled to work, but I don't
like the idea of x-fighters attacking my
exhaust port!"
http://www.pdjpdj.go-plus.net/thatsnomoon/thatsno.html
>> So, a new Prime Minister eh? <<
"I've written David Cameron a welcome letter,"
remarks Dan Bull. "Thanks to numerous YouTubers
and B3tans for the footage." Politics is
just-about holding our interest for now. We
were disappointed Cameron & Clegg didn't use
that joint press conference to tear away their
unconvincing human masks and fire heat rays
into the screaming crowd.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/So_a_new_Prime_Minister_eh
>> Sea Slug Science Time <<
Joel & crew combine Look Around You-style
retro-science with their usual heavy metal
stylings. Worth it for the Veitchster's
leather-clad rock moves.
http://b3ta.com/links/Science_Time_Sea_Slugs
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Breasts
Last week we asked about tits. We were pleasantly
surprised to find only half the answers were, "I
love tits, me." The rest are really rather good:
http://b3ta.com/questions/breasts/
* ATTENTION - "Sgt Major Wobbly-Gob came to give
Camouflage And Concealment training to a group
of new recruits. They'd buddied up, applied the
camouflage cream and done their best to break up
shape and outline before heading out on their
first exercise in woodland and meadow. Sgt Maj
Wobbly-Gob was teaching them how to reduce
noise: anything excessive in your pockets was
to be removed. Wobbly went the line and got them
to jump to check for noise. Then he gets to a
recruit with a very lumpy combat jacket indeed.
In fact something was sticking the breast pockets
way out in front of the rest of the recruit.
Wobbly was incensed! "What the fuck are those?"
he shouts as he outstretches both palms and
gives the pockets a firm squeeze. The recruit, in
her best I'm-a-girl-trying-to-sound-like-a-soldier
voice shouted back, "Tits, Sir!". Wobbly went
redder than a red thing and soon had something
more urgent to attend to."
(Piper Alpha)
* DETERMINATION - "I breast-fed a cat. Not on
purpose, though. It was in the early days of
my first baby being born and things were a bit
leaky around the boob area. One of our cats
had selfishly had kittens a couple of weeks
beforehand and they were just beginning to
stumble about and get in the bloody way. One
morning I was awoken to a sharp pain on the
boob - one of the kittens had managed to crawl
up onto the bed, over the baby and latched on
to my left tit with its nasty sharp teeth. To
get it off I had to prise open its jaw with
a pencil."
(Lu)
* INFLAMMATION - "I dated a girl with eczema...
Nice breasts, cracking nipples."
(bekowsquap)
>> This Week's Question: Expensive weekends <<
What's the most expensive weekend you've been
on? Was it deliberate, criminal or were you just
plain desperate to get somewhere at any cost?
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/expensiveweekends/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Home-made Death Ray <<
Rob from Cockeyed is best known for his "how
much is in that?" experiments, where he does
stuff like see how long a video tape is. We
hadn't previously caught this one from 2007
where he sticks lots of mirrors to a satellite
dish to create a death ray. Impressive stuff
that kept us reading over 15 pages.
http://www.cockeyed.com/incredible/solardish/dish01.shtml
>> Hybrid photo/drawings <<
Bored this weekend? Then take a photo, draw a
bit of it by hand and then take another photo
holding the drawing over real life. Sounds
complex? It won't be once you look at the pics.
http://snurl.com/hybridart
>> It's like dropping acid, but not <<
If you've never taken LSD then you are very
sensible, but one of the effects is visual
distortion where solid objects get a bit
wobbly. It's as if everything in the universe
was made of a soft, undulating plasticine.
In fact, it looks a lot like this:
http://www.neave.com/strobe/
>> Riot Dog <<
Some dog that keeps turning up on riots - is it
specially selected photos? A dog owned by some
crusty who goes to everything? Or just a dog
that likes a good scrap? You decide.
http://snurl.com/thisdogisaterrorist
>> David Cameron side profile <<
Google images, first result. *checks* Nope,
third result now. Fuck it, who cares - this
link is everywhere now.
http://snurl.com/publicschoolgames
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like cartoons but with real people
>> Crap yo-yo man <<
A crap yo-yo bloke has been appearing on
American TV - he tells the producers he's a
world champion but when he turns up he's
utterly useless. The joy is in the
embarrassment of the host. Is this marketing
for a yo-yo? A new comedian who's worked out a
unique way to promote himself? Or is Andy
Kaufman truly not dead?
http://snurl.com/yoyoyoyoyoyo
>> Kittens in autotune <<
Does what it says on the tin. BTW: Somebody
should go round a zoo and autotune the
different animals. We'd like to hear an
autotuned elephant. Actually it could be like
those "Does it blend?" ads -"Elephants. But do
they autotune?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZaCzVsEn5Y
>> Beatbox Dog Reloaded <<
Of course - what the beatbox needed was to be
synced with the trolalala bloke.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beatbox_Dog_Reloaded
>> How to use a urinal <<
We can't understand why so many people have a
problem with this video - this is exactly what
we do every time.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_use_a_urinal_the_American_way
>> Best Wedding DJ Evar <<
Who hasn't wanted to slap a fat old woman's
tits in time to Phil Collins's famous drum fill
from In The Air Tonight. If this was Cadbury's
new advertising campaign we'd take up chocolate
again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZP4Ugev82I
>> Pretty Iceland volcano time-lapse vid <<
Apparently there's been a volcano in Iceland -
we wouldn't know as we've been too busy
giggling about Clegg and Cameron writing their
own civil partnership vows. Anyway stick this
full screen and go wowoowowo.
http://vimeo.com/11673745
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
If funny means 'shit' then call this place home
* GAY POWER! - Holly Would writes, "I know the
funny name corner of the newsletter is not your
most prized but I saw this and it made me
smile, especially as she described herself as a
Conservative voter."
http://www.b3tards.com/u/9387e280261e8f505271/gaypower.jpg
* SPLENDID ALFONSINO - ben_dadds writes, "There's
something about the name Splendid Alfonsino
that sounds like something you'd expect to find
on 'specialist' websites. However, turns out
its just a fish."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splendid_alfonsino
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: SAVE BBC 6 MUSIC
It still needs saving apparently
Seb Brennan writes -
"This is your fellow Kentish Townian, Seb. You
kindly featured my band's video of a giant
hamster running amok many years ago, and you
and Lucy graciously invited me round for tea,
which was lovely.
"I'm currently on the organising committee for
the Save BBC 6Music group, and I wondered if
you could put a plug in the newsletter for the
demo we've got coming up outside Broadcasting
House on the Saturday 22nd May?
"If you'd like a linkyLOL to substantiate this
blatant plug, have a look at the lovely Lego
video that's been made to accompany Adam
Buxton's rather brilliant reworking of Bowie's
'Changes' in support of the 6 cause."
http://love6music.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Ross Kemp Challenge
Last week we wanted you to photoshop celebrated
baldy Ross Kemp.
Your favourites included:
* HOMO - Ross gets dirty with his
ground-breaking new series (Pandemonium in my
underpants)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10034985
* HEAD - like Being John Malkovich, but with
more cockneys (mr.dogshit)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10037729
* HAGUE - in which moon-faced posho David
Cameron strides the corridors of power with his
goons (2 Can Chunder)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10035145
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rosskemp/
>> New challenge: Fake Science <<
Fake science can be fun. So fire up Photoshop
and provide some more to educate the masses,
using the power of your imagination to show us
how stuff doesn't really work
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fakescience/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* JOEL AND MICROSOFT - last week we mentioned
an ad in The Metro that features Joel's rock
kittens. Fresh back from ROFLCon, he replies,
"Sorry, a bit late answering this, but the
answer is yes I OK'd that. Will be very
interested to see if I flog any extra t-shirts
on the back of it."
* YOUR CRAP OLD WEBSITE - just a quick mention
that Monkeon is taking his reviews of old
websites rather seriously and updating them
regularly. Latest entry is an enjoyable
contrast between comedian Peter Kay's site back
in the day: run by a nerdy friend of his, more
interested in technology than comedy; and now -
a juggernaut of on-brand promotion.
http://youroldcrapwebsite.wordpress.com/
* WEIRD CRYING MAN REMIX - Leemondus writes,
"Thought I'd do a quick Betty's Hotpot and
mash-up on this."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Weird_crying_man_Weatherfield_Style
* GENDER ERROR - El Stevo writes, "The
overhand guitar-playing woman isn't a woman.
The user has more videos featuring THE MAN
Ronnie." Still it makes a change - we often get
it the other way round and assume our
contributors are male, when in fact some of
them are transgendered. And that video again:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx4cRw6TIIg
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: FRIDAY GAME
Plants Vs Zombies
Being bleeding edge technology nerds can
sometimes leave you behind the times. Case in
point - we were early adopters on the iPhone
but, because of network contract issues, we got
a cracked one off eBay. Great, but it meant
when Apple upgraded the OS it was tricky for us
to follow suit. So we were left with a phone
that would only load about 1 application in 20
and we gave up on the app store. To cut a dull
story short, we've fixed it and now gone iPhone
gaming mental, catching up on all the games
that people were praising in, ooh, 2008? And to
add our voice to the throngs - Plants Vs
Zombies is an addictive twist on the Tower
Defence genre that has wasted half our week
sitting on the bog shooting zombies. Linky goes
to flash version.
http://www.popcap.com/games/free/pvz
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* L.E.D PAVING STONES - so shoppers can
recreate the Billie Jean video whilst walking
around Wolverhampton's Mander Centre.
* DIGITAL INK TATTOOS - get your Twitter feed
on your forehead. Ideal for people to call you
cunt in a meeting.
* PENIS MEDUSA - a lady with penises for hair
instead of snakes. Don't get her angry.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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: THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Fraser,
Wanderer, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!
Top tippery by krang. Subjlols by Mighty Nibus.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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: TOP TIP:
If you lose the rubber tips for your in-ear
headphones simply slice a stoned black olive in
half, and use that instead. (krang)
-------------------------------------------------
Unbelievable. Tories in power for less than
half an hour and already a Scottish family is
unemployed and homeless. (babyballoon)
http://www.sickipedia.org/
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