* MARLON BRANDO - BUTTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW
* GOSH - Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
* QUESTION - Tell us about your nemesis
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're rigging the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | election polls
__/____/____
B3ta email 426 - 30 April 2011
Kleggers plays pop, p-p-p-p-p-p-
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Funny Dutchman
Hans Teeuwen is a Dutch comedian that both Time
Out and The Guardian have declared a 'comedy
genius'. He has been described as surreal,
absurd, bizarre, terrifying, sado-dadaist and
'a mix of Nick Cave, Chris Morris, Jim Carrey
and Iggy Pop'. He plays London in May and June.
Click here for tickets:
http://bit.ly/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than turning their underwear inside-out
>> No Frills Tango in Paris <<
"Good to see Marlon's a classy shopper," glees
ratbanjos as he adds his own mark to the film's
most notorious scene. BTW: We've always thought
this scene would make a great advert for I
Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Burka Web Sim <<
Pretty much what it says on the tin.
majoringram invites you to check out the web as
you'd see it while wearing a burka. Or if you
were an Egyptian mummy brought to life by an
ancient curse and cruelly forced to browse
lolcats forums.
http://burkavision.
>> Povvo James Bond <<
"Current events are forcing the release of some
videos that have been stored up for a while,"
explains Cassette Boy. "Now they've announced
that they can't afford to make the next James
Bond film, it would be rude not to share this.
If next week Jamie Oliver admits to being a
little tosser, or J.K. Rowling announces that
Dumbledore was a paedophile, I'll know
something is definitely going on."
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Cars
Last week we asked for your car stories. Don't
worry about all the Honda Accord references -
it's a joke that's been rattling around b3ta
for a long while now:
http://b3ta.
* FAT - "Back when I still possessed a modicum
of self-esteem and lung capacity, I used to
partake in that most pretentious of all sports,
fencing. As you might expect, the club was
stuffed to the very gills with lawyers,
architects, doctors - anyone who'd been to
public school - and me, who in this context
probably qualified as the token bit of rough. I
lived on the south side of the city, whereas
the club was based in a private school way over
to the more salubrious north. And it was a hell
of a walk home. One evening, a terribly nice
chap from the club who I'd been enjoying a mild
flirtation with offered me a lift back. I
politely accepted and walked out to where his
Lotus was parked. Now, I'm not a small girl.
I'm not a fatty, just tall and heartily
constructed. The Lotus, whilst a thing of
beauty, is also rather low slung and I
struggled somewhat to lower myself into the
passenger seat whilst still retaining some
dignity. I shot my knight in shining faux
leather a coquettish grin and leant over to
pull the door shut. At which point our ears
were assaulted by the sound of grinding metal
on tarmac. The low car, my body-weight and a
slight hill had come together and I'd managed
to scrape a massive chunk off the door. We
drove home in silence. He couldn't have left
quicker if I asked him to drop me off in
Soweto. Unsurprisingly he never asked me out,
nor offered me a lift again. The last time I
saw him he was dating a tiny little slip of a
girl who presumably can get into cars without
breaking them." (Rakky)
* TWAT - "In the late 90s I worked for a web
design company where a few of the guys had
swanky motors (I had a Micra with gingham
cheesecloth seats, pah). Anyway, one of the
guys had a real show-off car: a bright yellow
Lotus Élan Turbo. One Friday lunchtime, someone
in the studio got a luminous pink card the size
of a number-plate and printed "TWAT" on it in
huge block letters, then taped it on the front.
You don't often check the front of your car,
and he didn't notice a thing when he drove off
that summers' evening with the top down and
coolest shades on - apart from the whole office
gleefully waving from the windows. "BASTARDS"
was his simple utterance when he got into work
on Monday. Apparently he had only noticed the
sign that morning, and realized that all the
laughing and pointing throughout the weekend,
was not people appreciating his automobile."
(zootius)
* SPLAT - "My brother was driving back from a
training conference along the delightful M25
when the cars in front started to slow and a
traffic jam formed. The young American bint
driving a large 4x4 missed this and ploughed
into the back of him at high speed, causing a
large pile up and the closure of the road. It
was nice and sunny and myself and my mum were
waiting to meet him for a pub lunch. He's never
been particularly talkative on the phone, so
when I got a call on my mobile saying "been
held up, be there in about an hour" we were not
too stressed. He finally stumbled into the beer
garden two hours later with his face covered in
bruises from the airbag and dried blood down
his shirt. He was fine luckily but still a
little in shock as all we could get out of him
was: "They made me go to hospital and the
doctor put his finger up my bum." It took a
while to convince him that it was a proper
medical test and it wasn't that the doctor
really, really liked him." (hanabanana)
>> This Week's Question: Nemesis <<
Permanently dogged by someone determined to
drag your life down into the sewer? Stalked by
an idiot throughout your career? Tell us
about your arch-nemesis:
http://b3ta.
------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Everybody Draw Mohammed Day <<
Cartoonists all over the world have been
stirred up by the furore over South Park's
portrayal of Mohammed in a recent episode.
Their form of protest? Draw a picture of
Mohammed. Brr. Don't get them really angry or
they may draw a plane flying into a picture of
a building.
http://reason.
>> Hand drawn map of London <<
Awesome, hand-drawn, zoomable map of London.
Instead of buildings, this guy has put in
interesting facts about every neighbourhood and
the level of detail is amazing. Our favourite
local takeaway is on it!
http://www.bl.
>> Make everything Geocities <<
Ever wondered what the Daily Mail's site would
look like if was on Geocities, the defunct
1990s web hosting service? Wonder no more, and
apply the Geocities effect to any website you
choose!
http://tinyurl.
>> Making Mac users cry <<
Apple stock is massively high at the moment.
Check out how much money you would have made if
you'd bought shares in the company, instead of
a shiny computer you don't even use anymore.
http://kottke.
>> Laptopgrams <<
Interesting 'photography' project, creating
images by lying photo-sensitive paper on a
laptop screen and flashing up an image.
http://laptopogram.
>> Community-built chill-out song <<
Loving Zefrank's work here - somebody wrote to
him saying they were going through depression
so ZeFrank writes them a song - and gets his site
users to sing it - to give her a huge group
hug. Great project!
http://www.zefrank.
>> Dictionary of The Daily Mail <<
Surprisingly accurate. There's one of those
toilet books in this, should a publisher think
of a way they could publish it with the Daily
Mail title and not incur the wrath of their
mighty lawyers.
http://www.angrymob
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but b.b.b.b.buffering
>> Tim Minchin - The Pope Song <<
Tim Minchin facts:
* Tim is Australian, but like most Australians
he lives in London.
* Tim wears eye liner, or to use the vogueish
portmanteau, man-lipstick.
* Tim doesn't like the Pope:
http://www.b3ta.
>> Cleanternet <<
A satirical swipe at the EU plans for site
blocking systems. Stick on your tin foil hats
b3tans, censorship is coming.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Phil Collins redubbed <<
Like gangster rappers, we've got a lot of
respect for the Philmeister in B3ta HQ, he's
well dope; judge for yourselves:
http://www.b3ta.
>> M.I.A - Born Free <<
Do you have ginger hair? There's a new hater in
town, she's called M.I.A and she really, really
loathes your red-haired brethren.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Hig Eyes <<
Lots of lady videobloggers or "vloggers" saying
"high guys" from the start of their "vlogs".
Frankly it all went a bit too quick for us to
crack one out.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Trippy airspace thing <<
Great video of the airspace "rebooting" over
Europe after the ash cloud. You know how you
see tetris blocks falling if you play it too
much? This is what air traffic controllers see
after a hard day at the office.
http://vimeo.
------------
: GENERAL ELECTION BOLLOCKS
All this shit dully rolls on but a couple of
things caught our eye this week:
* GREG KNIGHT MP ELECTION JINGLE - sounding
like a local radio sting from the Midlands in
the 70s, wonderfully catchy, and surely being
sung by all all his MP chums whenever he enters
the room.
http://www.gregknig
* SOME MENTAL IN DENTON - anyone can stand for
parliament as an independent. Even people who
peep through windows and see "girls breasts
being devoured by a lad's mouth"
http://snurl.
------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Infographics Challenge
Last week we wanted you to tell the truth
via the medium of flowchart and
infographic
Your favourites included:
* VOTE - this will undoubtedly be the
most useful graphic produced this side
of the election (benito vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.
* ROTATE - mind-confusing visual
cleverness from lateral thinker and
b3ta legend (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.
* PARKER - decision time made easy, using
the awesome power of flowchart
(laplandes)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: James Bond on a Shoestring <<
As the recession bites, it's rumoured
that the next 007 film is on hold because
it's too expensive to make. We think they
should proceed, and do it on the cheap.
And we want you to show us how
http://www.b3ta.
------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TAN FOR MP INTERVIEWED BY THE BBC - and we
stress that anyone who lives in his
constituency should vote for Mad Cap'n Tom.
http://snurl.
* THANKS FOR SHARING - cnidaria0 writes, "The
latest newsletter asked for money, sex, and ice
cream. Many years ago, my friends and I went
to a diner and ordered vanilla ice cream. We
told the waiter that if it was served in a
condom (provided by us) he would get a $15 tip.
He obliged, and remains the coolest waiter of
all time. No one was brave enough to eat it,
so we asked for a to-go box. It resided in
various people's freezers for a period of 3
years, after which someone's mom (mistakenly?
ate it."
* FOUR LIONS FILM - we blagged an invite to a
press screening of Chris Morris's latest
production. It's a fantastic film and we
recommend you see it - oddly, much more moving
and thoughtful than we expected. A tragedy with
comic elements that should be seen by everyone,
especially young men with silly ideas in their
heads.
http://en.wikipedia
------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Mario r-r-r-r-remix - check it out
Now you can play the original Super Mario Bros
game as Link from Zelda, Mega Man, and several
others we can't quite remember. Wish someone
would take this idea and let you play Manic
Miner with Rick Dangerous - ie. give old Miner
Willy a gun.
http://www.newgroun
------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WHO'S THAT MP QUIZ - load up 650 of the
fuckers and you have to name them. But to make
it more interesting, have it record web 1.5
stylee all the wrong guesses so it'll say 80%
David Cameron 15% Thatcher 5% C3PO made of ham.
* SANE PRICES FOR EBOOKS - in a fit of tech
madness we bought an Amazon Kindle and we
love it, but if they don't subtract the obvious
savings of digital distribution and pass them
on to consumers instantly, they're fucked.
* APPLE AND ADOBE TO STOP FIGHTING - we feel
like it's 1982, our parents are arguing and
we've turned up Doctor Who really loud so we
can't hear them.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Linbox, cheesefan,
loonybean, cnidaria0, nivose r, cr3,
CaptainSpaulding, greedydave and shanereynolds.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Whato_Jeeves, although we changed
it a bit and he probably prefers his version
which was "You're all fucking bigots. No
apologies here."
------------
If women ruled the world there would be no
wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not
talking to each other. (everton1212)
http://www.sickiped
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