This Week:
* VID - Man vs GPS
* DATING - What not to say online
* WET OWLS - Well, just one
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B3ta electro-telegraph 396 - 18 Sept 2009
Read this issue in a slightly different font:
http://b3ta.
Pete: b3ta-subscribe@
Katie: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
other than wanking in public toilets
>> GPS Problems <<
Sheep manfully struggles on through the
vicissitudes of modern gadgetry. His snazzy
mobile phone is giving him gyp.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Then and Now - photos of my town <<
"Here are some 'rephotographs' of Lodz, Poland
I've taken recently," beams disconnected. "Just
roll your mouse over the old pictures (taken
between 1850-1970 not by me) to see the current
state." Fascinating stuff.
http://refotografie
>> Boogie maths <<
Public-spirited Cyriak has made what he
describes as "an educational cartoon for kids
which explains mathematics through the medium
of dance." Don't try this at home.
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Helicopter Parents
Last week we asked for your stories of
helicopter parenting. There's some insanely
cosseted kiddies in this lot, starting with a
jaw-dropping tale from Monkey the Chicken whose
twist you really won't see coming:
http://b3ta.
* PARENTING AUCTION - "Induction day at my
son's primary school. Parents listen to the
class teacher explain a few things about what
they will be doing, sign certain forms, learn
what we need to send them to school with etc
etc. The whole meeting is going well until the
teacher asks "Any other questions?" caused a
bidding war: Mum1, "What do we do about
medicine?", Mum2 "Yes my girl has to take 5
different vitamins a day and will only take
them from me." Mum3: "What if they injure
themselves?"
can only eat if you sing to him." Mum2: "Mine
is allergic to milk or anything that looks like
it." Then, Mum4: "Ah I didn't like to mention
it here but I have to cut my son's dinner up
for him and he still breastfeeds so I will need
to arrange to come in twice a day." ... ... Me:
"Jesus Christ" Turns out that the breastfeeding
had to stop when the kid started biting. She
still goes to school at set intervals each day
to cut up his dinner and to bottlefeed him with
breastmilk though. He's 8 in October." (mon
bison)
* KAMLESH, SUPERSTUD - "In the Student Union
talking the usual utter girl-related shit. I'm
explaining how its possible for a girl to have
an inny and an outy nipple, one of each, and
that the girl I copped off with the previous
night was sporting this weird chestacular
manifestation. One of my housemates, Kamlesh,
pipes up: "Bollocks! No woman's got an inny and
an outy! I'm a fucking superstud and I know
that's not fucking possible!" We gazed at him.
It was a drink-stopping moment. Time almost
stood still. Kamlesh was about eight stone,
built like a stringy streak of piss, and had
the worst mullet and prebubescent 'tash
combination you'd ever see in your life. He
looked like an emaciated Asian hillbilly.
"You're a superstud?" asked one of my other
housemates incredulously. "Yeah!" said Kamlesh.
And then he did it. Then it came. The line. The
sweet line. And Kamlesh's university life would
never be the same again. It was like throwing
raw meat to a pack of rabid lions. "I am a
fuckin' superstud... my mum says so!!!"
(SpankyHanky)
* POTTER MOUTH -"So, I was in town, shopping.
This being Cambridge, there were a fair number
of delightful little Ruperts and Tarquins
fopping about elegantly with their doting
middle-class parents yapping at their heels. I
happened to be following a Mother and her
rather bored looking son. The mother was going
through a long list of the things they had to
do that day, ".. and we've got to get you some
new school shoes, and then you need some new
pens, and then we're going to tea at...". She
also seemed to be doing the
'lick-a-tissue-
-of-your-offspring' thing. In the midst of this
whirlwind of fussiness, the little trooper of a
kid turns to her, raises his hand to her face
resignedly, and sighs, "Expelliarmus, Mummy."
Solid gold." (Serotonicity)
>> This Week's Question <<
What's the most childish thing you've done as
an adult? As if writing a weekly newsletter
full of poo and wee jokes qualifies us to ask:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Internet dating: what to say <<
Fascinating look into what does and doesn't get
a good response from folk you're trying to chat
up on t'internet. Although netspeak is the
sperm of the devil, people like 'lol' and
'haha'. 'Hehe' is less popular.
"Scientifically, this is because it's a little
evil sounding."
http://snurl.
>> H from Steps, dead <<
First Jacko and now this! Why are the good
always taken from us so young?
http://www.unionver
>> Freaky face-mashing app <<
Extraordinary misuse of humankind's ingenuity -
upload a pic and this site will create a
fully-animated version of your face. Then you
can muck about with funny moustachios.
http://labs.
>> How many people are in space? <<
If you've ever been kept awake by that
question, then this site will lull you back to
a soothing, restful sleep.
http://www.howmanyp
>> Add Kanye to your site <<
At your command, professional silly-arse K.
West can make an appearance on a website of
your choosing. Click this quick before the
meme's completely flogged to death!
http://kanyelicio.
>> Awesome Music-Sequencer! <<
Online DIY musical composer thing that
resembles a Tenorion. Even the vestigial
fingers of newsletter troll Dave were able to
produce a listenable result with pleasingly
little effort.
http://www.inudge.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Wet Owl
Poor, woebegone Mr Wol had to be fished out of a
swimming pool. Look at his sad little face!
http://snurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It'll never catch on you know
>> Farmyard noises boy <<
Uncannily accurate animal impressions from an
enigmatic youngster. He's undeniably got talent,
of a sort.
http://www.youtube.
>> Birds on wire music <<
Here's a charming conceit; Chap stumbles on a
picture of birds perched on electrical wires,
makes a little tune using the location of their
bodies as notes.
http://www.b3ta.
>> 80s dating videos <<
Brace yourself, ladies. Here's a veritable
smorgasbord of pleasingly vintage lonely
hearts. Some absolute gems here. Can it be that
this is real?
http://www.b3ta.
>> The Christian gene <<
Gay scientists have worked night and day to
isolate the gene that causes people to be born
Christian. Thank goodness - it's not a
lifestyle choice.
http://www.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Oh please stop it before we kill ourselves
* WAYNE KOFF - "I decided to look on the IAVI
website to see if I could find Wayne Koff
mentioned. Lo and behold, there's a photo of
him. I think his image lives up to his name
admirably!" (tim.conway)
http://www.iavi.
* WHAT DO YOU CALL A PAEDOPHILE WITH A LISP?
"Amusing name for a company! Especially an
advertising company!" (mysticegg)
http://www.pheedo.
* FUNNY GUARDIAN CORNER - "Ads targeted to
in-page keywords are always fun - especially
when a new Fritzl appears and the article about
a father raping his child for 30 years shows
an ad of a child holding a sign saying 'I love
my daddy' ...It is for the NSPCC though. So
THAT'S OKAY, okay?" (mattcoxonline)
http://files.
* HITLER CAKES - in what can only be the answer
to the conundrum 'what do you call a Jewish
baker', Corington has spotted some Adolf Buns
in Hornsey.
http://www.flickr.
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: HIDDEN SWEARS
Last week we asked you to find words like
sCUNThorpe, wrisTWATch and cuCUMber.
You replied with, bruSHITE, anTIThesis,
wHOEver, lamPOOn, reBUTTal, extraVAGance,
leaFAGe, mANUScript, enCLITic, retoMINGEnt,
unMUFFle, cuTWATer, insPISSate, unreheARSEd,
and of course Hilary sWANK.
Thanks to thereishopeforus, flatfrog and
bigshape. You bunch of mANUScripts.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Video Game Celebrities
Challenge
Last week we wanted you to put
celebrities at the centre of video games
Your favourites included:
* HUGH - House doctor makes unexpected
appearance as Half-Life hero (Redbull_(UK)
http://www.b3ta.
* JORDAN - pneumatically spectacular "star"
features in doomed shoot-em-up sex romp
(drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.
* RICK - unfortunate Def Leppard drummer cashes
in on Rock Band craze with unique edition (The
Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New: Inappropriate TV Product Placement <<
It was announced this week that product
placement will be allowed on commercial
television in the UK. What product would you
put on what programme to get massive LOLs?
Challenge suggested by The Twisted Omentum.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* KEITH FLOYD OBIT - your Ginger Fuhrer did the
titles on the recent C4 doco and then half
convinced himself that he personally killed
Keith via the shock of some slightly piss-takey
gfx. Still, it's a fantastic show if you ignore
Rob's bits:
http://www.channel4
* CYRIAK IN THE DAILY MAIL - last week Cyriak
made a video debunking Derren Brown's lottery
trickery, we missed linking to it as we thought
all the fuss had died down by last Friday. But
no, it rumbles on and Cyriak went on to get his
face all over The Daily Mail. We're sure his
mum is very proud.
http://snurl.
* B3TAN PUNKS ONLINE POLL - Legless started a
little idea that did the rounds, encouraging
people to vote for Casey, a young cancer
sufferer to win an online competition by
knickers manufacturer Victoria's Secret. Looks
like she's won. Huzzah for that!
http://www.b3ta.
http://www.bodybyvi
* HOMAGE IN FROMAGE - previously we've brought
you Hitler in cheese, and now here's someone
else just as loved in Germany - thanks
Lesley Sloss.
http://snurl.
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This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Philip_newzealand,
waz4444, @jearle, Linkin_Parker, mattcoxonline,
fantomex and waz4444. Top Tippery by Quiver.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sickipedia jokes CTRL C+V via nitrokausion,
hotshot1992.
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TOP TIP:
Spitting on the toilet paper before wiping your
bottom helps immeasurably.
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My favourite sexual position is the JFK. I
splatter all over her while she screams and
tries to get out of the car.
http://www.sickiped
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