This Week:
* CYRIAK - on Alan Titchmarsh
* TOP TIP - Does semen show under UV light?
* NEW SECTION - "Shit internet Dragons' Den"
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 397 - 25 Sept 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Cigarettes are bad, mmmkay?
"Hard hitting new campaign filmed by renowned
directors Rankin and Chris for NHS Birmingham
East and North."
http://www.youtube.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots of stuff, too much even
>> Peace Day dove <<
"I recently attended Peace Day celebrations in
Kabul, Afghanistan,
"There was lots of family-friendly fun and
flag-waving. Unfortunately at the big climax -
the launch of the peace doves - the excitement
proved too much for one of the little birdies
and it popped its clogs," providing a
more apt metaphor than intended.
http://www.youtube.
>> B3ta interviews Cyanide & Happiness <<
Ginger Fuhrer Rob and the b3tard posse tracked
down and interviewed Dave McElfatrick of hit
web comic Cyanide & Happiness. Check out the
ungodly results here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> Poo in your pants <<
"Mutated Monty is the fun version of Chris
Cunningham, isn't he?" suggests Monkeon. And
indeed he is. Here's his latest effort,
starring Alan Titchmarsh.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Framerater - IMDb Top 250 tracker <<
Sheer brilliance from PointlessCamel - Sign up
and tick off any films that you've seen from
IMDb's Top 250. It'll rate and recommend the
rest for you, settling your question of what to
watch this evening for the next five years.
http://www.framerat
>> Rathergood VS nuts <<
"Hi mate in case it's in time for your
newslettery consideration,
just whacked up a new thing - an educational
funk number about how things you think are nuts
are actually not nuts."
http://www.rathergo
>> Make Hypocrisy History <<
"Charities are shit and waste your money,"
opines Tavi. "So why not give it to me - and
I'll waste it. What do you care?"
http://makehypocris
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: SHIT INTERNET DRAGONS' DEN
Red-hot new feature that will make us rich
>> Pre-soiled underwear <<
Yeah yeah, we're aware it's big in Japan but
flipping heck. These guys "makes pre-stained
clothing that free people from the
embarrassment of having soiled clothing by
selling clothes that come already soiled".
Mostly pre-skidmarked pants.
http://easytigercor
Do you have a crappy-sounding idea to make
millions from the internet? Please send it in
so we can simultaneously mock you and yet feed
you the oxygen of publicity. For we are
dragons, guarding our clicky gold.
http://www.b3ta.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Childish Things
Last week we asked for the most childish thing
you've done as adult. As always you didn't
disappoint us and filled the interweb with
tales of bottoms, poo and a brown dressing gown:
http://b3ta.
* PARP - "The Mrs and I were having some sexy-time
in the bath together. She was on top and we were
kissing when I gleefully let out a massive fart
that bubbled up... but it didn't break the surface
straight away. It rolled up her belly, tickling
all the way between her boobs and broke the
surface right under her chin. Best. Fart. Ever.
But bathtime was over..." (TheFinch)
* POOP - "At the age of 25 I took the conscious
decision to poop my pants. Not immediately upon
my 25th birthday, that would be wrong. I just
happened to be 25. I had needed the toilet for
about an hour but was stuck on the window sill
with my fingers trapped in a sash window, the
result of a failed break-in to my house after
forgetting my keys. My cries for help went
unheeded and I shat myself." (nightbuffalo)
* WARP - "Walking up to automatic doors and
waving my hand in front of me Jedi-like just
before they open never fails to amuse. Myself,
mostly." (Davros' Granddad)
>> This Week's Question <<
Tales of the IT helpdesk. Try turning it off
and on again, and, if that doesn't work, tell
us all about it here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> The 'Special' Last Supper <<
Here's a lovely recreation of Leonardo Da
Vinci's Last Supper but the apostles and Jesus
have Down's Syndrome. Is it a piss-take or a
serious point - who cares? Well worth your
prurient clicking.
http://www.jamesmay
>> Schizophrenia comic <<
Insightful and sensitive comic strip explaining
what it's like to be mental. Good read.
http://tallguywrite
>> HTML tags ABC <<
One sentence, contained within every single
HTML tag in alphabetical order A-Z. View Source
for details.
http://evan-
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Little tigers
Apparently the result of a 30-year selective
breeding programme, check out these amazing
cats with the markings of tigers. Perhaps it
would have been simpler to selectively breed
tigers to become tiny like cats. Somebody try
this please. Also, we would like some
mini-dolphins to frolic in our goldfish bowl.
http://www.toygers.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Now sponsored by RealPlayer
>> Carl Sagan & Stephen Hawking sing! <<
Arguably the best-ever use of Autotune, a
delightful song about the wonders of universe.
Hooray!
http://snurl.
>> Baby dancing to Beyonce <<
Very much doing the rounds at the moment.
Content as title. Perhaps the best thing ever.
http://www.b3ta.
>> School children Changes <<
The little kids of Lewes New School tackle
David Bowie's early-70s hit. Brilliant stuff -
very cute! Also not shit, which is a definite
plus.
http://bit.ly/
>> Advanced DOS strategies <<
Friendly 1980s couple explain how to harness
the power of your brand new Disk Operating
System. Oh for those good old days - were we
really so easy to please?
http://snurl.
>> Wrong hole <<
Singy song and swish video about a common
mishap during doggy-style sex. Pretty definite
that this is NSFW.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Txt Island <<
Clever, short animation made using only letters
and numbers on a pegboard.
http://www.b3ta.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Inappropriate Product
Placement Challenge
After it was ruled that commercial channels
in the UK could use product placement, we
wanted examples of just how bad this could
get. Your favourites included:
* WHAT'S IN THE EGG, DERREN? - Britain's
favourite mentalist predicts something far
harder than the lottery (enceladus)
http://www.b3ta.
* SPECSAVERS, TATOOTINE - there was no Jedi
mind trick after all (mediocre)
http://www.b3ta.
* IN SPACE, NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU CREME - the
real reason John Hurt couldn't eat his
dinner (DaveBr)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Modernise the Bible <<
The Bible is out of touch with today's youth.
Bring it up to date so we can answer moral
dilemmas such as "Is it OK to murder someone
in a video game?" and "Would you steal a movie?"
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* THE DANGERS OF DOING B3TA PROJECTS -
"Remember me?", writes [name removed], "You
featured my "Masturbation database" back in the
day (issue 98). Thanks for that but you used my
full name and now if you Google me one of the
top searches is '[name removed] loves wanking'
Very funny, I agree but I've just graduated uni
and am applying to jobs and am a little worried
about potential employers seeing. I know you
probably don't edit previous newsletters but
would you make an exception? Pretty please!"
Hehe, we've changed the name but we have to
share this with our readers as it's too funny.
* B3TA EXPURGATED EDITION - "Just read last
week's newsletter in China while travelling for
work. You'll be proud to know only one link
worked, the rest were banned by their internet
filters.
* MORE HIDDEN SWEARS - Olembe writes, "Geekier
Mac version! If you're running Linux on your
computer, or if you have a Mac, you'll have a
single big file on there somewhere called
'words', which has a whole dictionary in it,
one word per line. And you'll be able to search
this file in an instant with the 'grep'
command. On a Mac, open the Terminal app (which
lives in the Applications>
type these magic words:
grep --color=auto cunt /usr/share/dict/
"The result? 'plaCUNTitis' and 'plaCUNToma' -
two medical conditions you probably don't want.
Of course, you can replace the swear word for
any other when you've had enough of the cunty
lols"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CAN YOU KILL SOMEONE WITH 2P - when we
travelled up the Eiffel Tower as a child our
dad claimed that we shouldn't drop any coins as
it would kill anyone in its path. Can someone
test this?
* LADIES USE IMMAC AND MEN USE RAZORS - why not
try immacing your beard? Go on. BTW: Wikipeda
tells us that this product is now called Veet.
Wonder if they had branding problems with
people confusing Immac with iMac?
* FILTER AND DRINK YOUR OWN WEE - would a piss
filled Brita Filter do the trick?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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------------
THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel
with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The
Resident Loon, optocouic, Gia Milinovich,
@danoliver, aMac, Mr Yellow, mozza, Mrs.Sp@m,
matthew coy, the_log_knows and @Ants124.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via amck.
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TOP TIP:
Banknote fun
Step One: Using your preferred method, collect
some human spunk.
Step Two: Using a small paint-brush, write the
message of your choice, or a simple design on a
banknote.
Step Three: After waiting for the 'invisible
ink' to dry, put the note back into
circulation.
Step Four: Some poor bugger presents the note
somewhere where a UV light is used and the
message is revealed.
This method could also be used by the more
mischievous of you to adorn your friends'
clothes before heading for a nightclub that
uses UV light.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If someone wants to test that spunk glows
under UV then please be our guest.
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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk
into a pub. We didn't invite the Welshman
because he's a cunt. (viperuk)
http://www.sickiped
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