This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Mock Parliament and win a laptop
* CYRIAK - Makes vid that'll freak out your cat
* ANTHEA TURNER - Does she have a penis?
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B3ta email 391 - 14 Aug 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
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: SPONSORED LINK
The Cult of Cartman - Revelations
Relive those memorable moments by 'big-boned'
prankster, Eric Cartman as the bible of his
funniest South Park episodes is released on one
DVD. With episodes like 'Cartmanland'
collection is a must-have for any fan. Buy the
DVD at:
http://tinyurl.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Meow, Pubs, Kittens, Touching, Anthea Turner
>> Meow Mix <<
"My cat wrote a song," scrawls a distressed
Cyriak. It must be great living in his head,
where even a simple feline hello becomes a
throbbing symphony of impending doom.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Pub Stop <<
"Forget motorway services, have a pub lunch
instead," proffers Santa Claws. This route
finder will plot a lovely little beer break
along any medium distance UK journey. Handy if
you're driving anywhere this summer. Well,
handy if you're a passenger, anyway.
http://ruletheweb.
>> Kittenify the Web <<
"I've made a bookmarklet that turns all the
images on a page into pictures of adorable
kittens," glees Blak. "No more shall you have to
look at dreary pictures on that thar interweb!"
Jazzes up the BBC News page just lovely.
http://www.reload.
>> Diarmuid Makes Me Touch Myself <<
"My friend Diarmuid doesn't have a girlfriend
and he's a bit down about it," explains Paint
My Album. "So I filmed some willing girls
saying he makes them 'touch themselves', to
cheer him up." Inappropriate but amusing.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Anthea Turner's cock <<
Fat Boab sings the memory of a traumatic
childhood moment.
http://www.youtube.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Food Sex
Last week we asked for your food sex stories.
The big problem for most of you seems to be the
smell of 'off' milk/cream/yoghurt that follows you
around for days afterwards:
http://b3ta.
There can only be one story this week. The tale
we shall title, "Why B3ta won't be sponsored by
Twix anytime soon":
* "My first girlfriend and I were together for
about two and a half years. A few weeks before
we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel
in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my
auntie's boss. We had a nice time there, wandering
around the priory, eating toasted teacakes and
crumpets in a small tea shop, but a more deviant
event was on the horizon. "Would you eat something
out of me?" she asked one evening. I confess I
was rather bewildered and wondered what she could
mean: A banana? Some chocolate? A pie? I suggested
these things and she decided that a Twix would
be a good idea. The next morning we walked to
the local Spar shop and, being a chivalrous type,
I allowed her to choose her Twix. As the chocolate
was slightly soft I suggested that we should maybe
put it into the freezer for a while so that it
wouldn't melt in a flash. "I'm ready," she said
late that evening. She went upstairs before me
while I retrieved the Twix from the freezer.
When I reached the bedroom she had already
undressed and was lying on the bed, her legs
apart. For a moment I wondered how I was going
to do this: do I actually remove it from the
wrapper or do I shove the whole lot in? Do I put
one finger in or both of them? I didn't want to
ask as I felt this would just make her nervous
and would hardly instil confidence in the poor
girl as she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be
penetrated by a chocolate bar. I decided to insert
a single finger and opened the wrapper. The
chocolate had that slightly grey sheen of having
been in the freezer all day, and was also as hard
as a pavement. "This is going to be cold," I warned
before introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid
inside and I left about an inch of it sticking out.
For a moment I looked at the rather ridiculous and
mildly scary sight before me, before bending down
and biting off about half of the exposed finger of
Twix. Without warning the whole thing vanished
inside her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled,
wondering what I should do. I didn't think it would
be The Done Thing to prise apart her labia like a
mechanic lifting a bonnet before rummaging around
inside, so I just lay there, staring, wanting to
cry for a moment. And then a thick, brown liquid
began to ooze from her pubis. Terrified that it
would ruin the sheets - which, after all, were not
ours - I thrust my hand between her thighs and
caught the melted chocolate as it dribbled out,
but my hand quickly filled and I was then forced
to consider what I was going to do with a hand full
of rather hot, melted Twix as I could hardly say,
"just crimp yourself off, love - I need to go and
wash my hand", so screwing my eyes shut I licked
it off my hand while my other one was slowly filling.
Then, just as I thought it couldn't get any worse,
the biscuit base popped out, completely, eerily
clean, stripped bare of chocolate and caramel,
like an albino penis. I pulled it out and, hands
full of chocolate, quickly ate it while I waited
for her sugary, genital deluge to stop. I don't
think I've eaten a Twix since." (nasalhair)
>> This Week's Question <<
MostlySunny wrote to us to tell us all about
the school project she did on shark nets, "I
got an A - mostly because I handed it in cut
out in the shape of a shark." What fine tat
have you glued together for teacher?
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Men at their most masculine <<
A photographer put ads on Craigslist asking for
people who feel masculine. This is the
frighteningly puckered fruit of that endeavour.
Look out for unexpected todger in picture #9.
http://tinyurl.
>> View Page Source lols <<
Looks like these guys wanted the font size to
be 8-point. Really, really wanted it. Bad.
http://www.fujinonb
>> Periodic Table Jumper <<
This winter why not be both warm and useable as
a reference to chemists and microbiologists,
with this stylish, little number? Hopefully Dr
Ben Goldacre will be wearing one for his next
TV appearance.
http://snurl.
>> The art of StreetView <<
Thoughtful article about Google's street
photography project, illustrated with some of
the brilliant shots it's managed to randomly
capture with its beady, robot eye.
http://snurl.
>> 3 ad: who's to blame <<
Angry website tracks down the culprits for those
'3' comedy spots that seem to bookend all of
Channel 4's programming at the moment. And
rightly so, as they are fucking awful.
http://snurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like telly but not rented off Rumbelows
>> "My phone was off" <<
Bloke turns off his phone while he backpacks
around Europe. His girlfriend somehow misses
this important info. The situation breaks down
surprisingly fast.
http://www.youtube.
>> Candy bra <<
Aged tranny belting out disco. We can't tell if
this is a tribute to John Waters or John
Carpenter. Freakydeaky.
http://www.b3ta.
>> iCarly mashup <<
Teen sitcom re-edited to baroque effect. At
least, we presume it's not normally an
innuendo-laced voyage into sweat-soaked terror.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Planes Trains & Automobiles re-cut <<
That old Brokeback meme resurrected - but in a
good cause. "Those aren't pillows!!!"
http://www.b3ta.
>> Cat, dog, happy finish <<
How adorable - this crafty canine has trained a
cat to perform erotic acts upon his lipstick.
NSFW, in principle at least.
http://www.youtube.
>> Smelly Americans <<
Lanny F is our new infomercial hero, cheerily
warning viewers that their bodily bits are
stinking up the place - unless they buy some
handy product.
http://www.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Poo-bum-wee-
* NEW WIKTIONARY LOGO? - The wiki-based
dictionary recently held a competition to
design a new identity. This cheery 'thumbs-up'
image gives us a strange twinge of deja vu...
http://commons.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Real Celebrity Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make celebrities out
of real world stuff.
Your favourites included:
* HOMER - Springfield'
all made out of stones (Prawnsoda)
http://www.b3ta.
* BOTTOM - we're not sure if Mr Goatse is a
'celebrity', but this cigarette box version is
a thing of beauty (Dixin_Speedos)
http://www.b3ta.
* HELLBOY - made out of a dog, and a couple of
slices of tomato. Lovely (gspgirl)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> Sponsored challenge: Mock Parliament <<
Blimey - sponsored challenge time! Vote
For A Change want you to make an image
that mocks Parliament. The winning image
gets a 13" Macbook Pro and there's more.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* JOEL ON FOX NEWS - The Veitches made a
ridiculous appearance on everyone's favourite
right-wing TV station. They didn't stop
giggling for a second, and this, contrasted
with the uber straight host, makes for a great
little clip:
http://snurl.
* KITTENFY MEDIA BLITZ - no sooner had we done
the call out for someone to create a Kittenify
site, The Metro newspaper had it covered. Nice
to see B3ta get a mention.
http://www.flickr.
* MORE "THE RING" PHONE GAGS - edb1984 writes,
"In relation to (Flim-Flam the Magnificent)
story in the newsletter last week, I used to be
the assistant manager at Blockbusters - and
when we were bored we used to look up on the
computers who had rented the film "The Ring"
that night, and, after we closed, call them up
from the phone box over the road to tell them
they were going to die."
* GMAIL AD FILTER - GothicTechie writes, "I
read your newsletter in Gmail, and it appears
you use enough offensive jokes about sensitive
issues for the no ads thing to kick in (I first
noticed for the most recent one but the last
few back issues also have a sufficient density
of the keywords). Keep it up!"
* MORE URINAL PISS GAMES - Alice Lupton - "If
only I had a penis to be able to partake of
such jollity :)"
http://snurl.
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: FRIDAY GAME
I Say Potato, You Say Porn-star
Back in the dim distant past we used to run
either/or quizzes. The idea was to find things
that looked similar - say some pubes / beards
and then think of an awful name, say Tash or
Gash and job's a good 'un. This quiz is simply
subversion:
http://www.pornstar
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CAT PIANO - Donkey Gums asks, "You should get
someone to make a Katzenklavier by asking in
the newsletter." The device is so extraordinary
that we're sending you to Wikipedia rather than
describing it ourselves.
http://en.wikipedia
* WHAT'S THAT WORTH NOW? - "Enter amount+date
and it tells you the equivalent in today's
money. Useful for historical novels" (Mike
Trinder)
* RUDE TWITPIC NAMES - Whiskerson writesm "You
might have noticed www.twitpic.
pic of Stephen Fry with a nice dollop of cunt
in the URL - this led me to realise that they
have not filtered out possible 'bad' urls from
the site (www.twitpic.
How about asking people to build a checker -
which polls twitpic to see when 'good' urls are
coming up then spams the images uploader to
ensure you get the chosen URL... first to get
'twitpic.com/
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @MagicallyAdept,
@cr3, connor, @blogjam, @BPScott Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia japes
via FIDDLERBOY. Game suggested by via
executiverocker. Subjlols via The magic of
chutney, and if you didn't get it then read
this: http://tinyurl.
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What's the difference between Tango and
Rohypnol? You know when you've been Tangoed.
http://www.sickiped
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