This Week:
* VIDEO - Lots of knob gifs. Woo-hoo.
* QUIZ - Can YOU match the tagline to the film?
* CHALLENGE - Yes, thank you B3ta, more kittens
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "If the web is a cow
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | then B3ta is the
__/____/____
B3ta email 388 - 24 July 2009
Missing the audiotape? Ask your newsagent!
http://b3ta.
Sub: b3ta-subscribe@
Anti-sub: b3ta-unsubscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
The Viral Factory write...
"Our latest offering for Samsung got roundly
booed by the internet when we released it so
we've re-cut it and are hoping for the best.
It's a not un-b3ta-esque gag, in that it's
plain daft, but we got stick because it's 'not
real'. Hopefully you lot will see things a bit
differently.
http://www.youtube.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on....
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than mould in tea cups
>> Lots of cock gifs <<
"My computer with photoshop has just died
completely," writes 2 Can Chunder. "I'm starting
a new job in August so I've put all my
animations into one video and am now gonna take
a break from B3TA for a few weeks." This, THIS
is the spirit of B3ta. You will laugh.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Tedious swine flu gag <<
Tedious aka Tom Scott writes, "It's a cheap
joke, but nevertheless I present fluBay - for
all your antiviral needs. Since the National
Flu Pandemic Service has crashed on day one, I
figured this might be a good alternative.
http://www.flubay.
>> Bear-faced cheek <<
CCC returns to his favourite sport - baiting
the local paper's small ads with general
weirdness. This time he's selling "bits of
a bear"
http://www.b3ta.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Taglinr
Can you match the tagline to the film? Your
Ginger Fuhrer and Question of the Week bloke,
Chthonicionic have made a quiz.
http://www.e4.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Banks
Last week we lazily turned a ranty email from
Rob into a instant question about banks.
Judging by the amount of steam let off in
reply, we've prevented 14 heart attacks and
saved the NHS thousands:
http://b3ta.
* CASHED - "I worked for a vehicle rental
company in a neglected area that meant the
owners were fanatical about security and not
leaving cash about. My manager was away, but
she'd given me a list of explicit instructions
for making the bank deposit that afternoon. I'd
almost forgotten, but I managed to lock up,
grab the cash and deposit bag and race to the
bank just in time. I went in, filled out the
deposit slip per the instructions on Florence's
note, and handed everything to a teller. She
seemed a little shaken up, I assumed because of
the large amount of cash involved. Anyway, she
handed me my bag back, and I noticed right away
that it seemed rather full, but not having any
idea what to expect I shrugged it off. I did
have to ask the teller for my note back: I
needed the office safe combination that was on
it. I left in a hurry - I was going camping for
the weekend with my girl - so I hopped in the
work car, zipped around the block, down the
alley, parked up and put the bag in the safe.
That done, I headed off into the wilds of Idaho
for a 4-day weekend. When I got back, Florence
was really pissed off! Apparently I had handed
the note to the teller along with the deposit
slip. The note said, among other things: PUT
ALL THE CASH IN THE DEPOSIT BAG! And: THIS IS
SERIOUS, DON'T MESS AROUND! As these
instructions were the only ones in all caps
(with CASH & SERIOUS underlined), the teller
had assumed I was robbing the bank. Some
$75,000, plus our original deposit, had spent
the weekend in our company safe. I had to give
a statement to the FBI..." (danalan)
* LASHED - "I travel with work and have to
submit my bank statements with my expense
claims (to show the exchange rate I got). My
friends know this, and so have taken to leaving
little notes on my account for the finance team
who review my claims, by depositing (very
small) amounts into my account with
inappropriate and offensive payment references.
Highlights so far include 20p paid in by one
friend, ostensibly for a "Colossal Dildo", 10p
for "Bum Fun", and a £1 total deposit split
over 10 instalments, which explained in detail
that the £1 was a loyalty discount from a local
S&M establishment - I believe he referred to it
as a "frequent flayer discount" (TheMagicDwarf)
* MASHED - "If you get a job as a cashier in a
bank don't, on your first day serving
customers, wonder what the button under the
counter just by your knees does. Or if you do,
try and remember what it was your manager told
you about it. Don't press it. And don't, when
you discover it doesn't seem to do anything,
press it again, and again, and again. An armed
response team WILL be called, and you WILL get
sacked." (mrgibbles)
>> This Week's Question <<
The Dark... Tell us your stories of noises and
bumps in the night, power cuts, blindfolds and
cinema fumbling:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like made by people we hate
>> Nerdy knitting <<
An excellent use of the long winter evenings -
huge showcase of knitted science fiction and
comic characters plus a preposterous amount of
cuddly zombies.
http://electricbisc
>> Kemp Folds <<
High-concept blog featuring the face of TV's
Ross Kemp folded multiple ways for your
appreciation.
http://kempfolds.
>> Jackson at 40 fail <<
A 1995 Ebony Magazine article predicts what the
late King of Pop would look like in the year
2000. They could not be more wrong.
http://www.flickr.
>> The World Without Us <<
I can't imagine a world without me, sang
Echobelly. But this guy has imagined a world
not only without 90s indie kids but also the
rest of humanity. Here's a cheery timeline,
beginning our sudden mass extinction.
http://www.worldwit
>> Porn Fail <<
Fun for all the family to enjoy when porno
shoots go wrong. Not safe for work - it doesn't
fail as porn by quite that much.
http://www.pornfail
>> Revenge crabs <<
Are you involved the acrimonious death of a
relationship right now? More importantly, are
you some sort of hate-filled misanthropist? If
so, you may want to deal with these guys and
give your ex an STD. Just bear in mind that the
best bit of splitting up is the make-up sex.
http://www.revengec
>> Drunk yoga <<
People practice yoga to enter into a state of
ultimate relaxation. Why bother, when simple,
wholesome booze has identical results - as
illustrated here?
http://eatliver.
>> 'Ultimate' pizza <<
Disgusting piles of ham, cheese and pineapple
on a monstrosity that's a pizza in name only.
The mayonnaise is what really turned our
stomachs though.
http://www.eatliver
>> George & Lynn explained <<
Tabloid comic strips seem to be beamed from an
odd parallel universe. Blogger tries to crack
the code in the Sun's favourite scantily-clad,
wise-cracking 70s couple George & Lynn.
http://snurl.
>> Twitterclock <<
Thanks to some rather pretty tech trickery, now
you don't have to stop reading tweets even to
check whether it's day or night. Just whether
you need to change your man-nappy.
http://www.timetwee
>> Amazon is selling salvia <<
Not saliva - salvia, the MINDBENDING
PSYCHOACTIVE DRUG. Can this be legal or is it
some sort of web-based honeytrap? Will we be
thrown in jail for putting a little affiliate
linky widget on it? Only one way to find out...
http://tinyurl.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Because 320 pixels is all the width you need
>> Never Gonna Give Your Teen Spirit Up <<
Evergreen Astley hit mashed up with the Nirvana
classic, to surprisingly good results.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Beyonce dances to the Birdy Song <<
This is what the Independent Woman gets up to
on her hols in Torremolinos.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Tortoise sex face <<
We were all ready with the whimsical quips for
this clip, but such a prolonged close-up of the
squealing mouth of an orgasming tortoise begs
the question: is the cameraman having a wank?
http://www.b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Dr Peter File
Luckily he is not a paediatrician.
http://snurl.
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: LOOK A LIKES
Garth Brooks VS Bruno
Funky2009 writes, "Doesn't Garth Brook's failed
alter-ego Chris Gaines from ten years ago look
uncannily like Sacha Baron-Cohen'
Google image 'Chris Gaines' and see for
yourself."
http://images.
BTW: If you've got more look-a-likes then please
tell us.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Movie Mashups Challenge
Last week we wanted you to redesign classic
film posters to fit another movie.
Your favourites included:
* BABE - given a classic 1920s Fritz Lang
makeover (Bela Lugosi's Dad)
http://www.b3ta.
* TITANIC - You thought it was safe to go back
in the water. It wasn't (Mighty Nibus)
http://www.b3ta.
* SNOW WHITE - Seven dwarves, and a grisly
head in a box (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Kitten Sports <<
It's time for an old-style b3ta challenge, one
summed up perfectly in just two words: Kitten
Sports. Challenge suggested by SkUG.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WHO WON'T MARRY ME? "Hey guys," greets
Nostrebor. "I got a mystery letter in the post.
I'd like to know who won't marry me and why? I
really am lovely." Anybody recognise the
hand-writing and able to solve this romantic
conundrum?
http://www.b3ta.
* DO FANS COOL THINGS DOWN? - Ben Skerry weighs
into the debate; "I'm not sure Wallilay is
right when he says that fans only cool by
aiding evaporation from the skin.
"His example of a server serves (ha!) as a good
illustration of why. If there is no movement of
air, the server will get hotter, as the
transfer of heat to the surroundings will be
impaired by the warmth of the air in its
immediate vicinity.
"Put simply, a fan will make sure that the warm
air surrounding the hot item is replaced with
cool air, increasing the transfer of heat from
the server to the air, cooling the server down."
* COMIC SANS THE WEB - "Yo yo," goes
funpackedshow. "You asked for a way to view the
internet all in comic-sans. I've sort of done
that (not very well) in the form of a
comic-sans-ifer bookmarklet.
grateful world salutes you!
http://noveltybeard
* KITTENWAR IN MOVIES - Thanks to emvee for the
heads-up that a Transformers 2 viral site is
purporting to sell the Kittenwar calendar
"though it says it's sold out." Messrs Lewry
and Ryan will no doubt be in touch with them to
secure more outlets for their quality,
kitten-based wares.
http://www.realeffi
* HITLER - milov takes issue with a
Fuhrer-centred gag from last issue. "Mussolini,
not Hitler, was the Fascist dictator credited
with getting the trains to run on time. In
fact, the trains to the concentration (and
work) camps were hit with frequent and
prolonged delays." Hurrah!
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CHEESEALADE - 'Eating tapas I had an
epiphany. A new toasty spreadable. Cheesalade.
Manchego cheese & Quince mixed in a jar. "It's
Spain, in a jar"' (@robmanuel)
* STALKR - "Some kind of Twitter search that
links celebrities to the locations of people
tweeting about them for more efficient
stalking." (@Noit)
* PLATES VS PAPER - "Is it more cost effective
to use real plates or to paper ones? Factors
such as: time, washing up liquid, tea towels,
breakage." (@greenycrimson)
BTW: The offical B3ta wife, Lucy, wants to know
if any B3tards can eat more than 7 Ferrero
Rocher in 1 minute. She thinks you can, but
that's the world record apparently.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Guy Incognito, Choc
Ice, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!, mrmonkfish,
mranalog2000, Kirsty, The Coast Of Yemen, Posh
Girl, Lord Turkey Boy & witless999. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via Ad7.
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Ronseal Wood Preserver - does exactly what it
says on the tin.
No it doesn't. I've now got a flaccid cock that
looks like a twig.
http://www.sickiped
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