This Week:
* ANIM - Jacko's secret basement
* READ - Emails from an asshole
* VID - "I'm pissing on your car"
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're shitting
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B3ta email 385 - 3 Jul 2009
Proofread this issue:
http://b3ta.
Daddy: b3ta-subscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
9.5hrs Battery life netbook
Haven't got an ad this week - buggeration - so
thought we'd link to Amazon to get some
referral pennies. Here's the netbook we've just
ordered, seduced by a 'wisdom of crowds' theory
that we'd just get the one that's selling the
best at the moment. If it lives up to its
promises of 9.5hrs battery life, it'll be
fantastic. Next week we'll report back on
whether it's a sack of shit or not.
http://www.amazon.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Jacko, Piss and God
>> Michael Jackson's secret basement <<
What ghastly secrets lie hidden in Wacko
Jacko's mouldering cellar? Brian Mung
investigates.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Grey Bloke finds God <<
The monochrome net-nerd seeks religious
reassurance from an online preacher, with mixed
results. A tale told by madridiot, full of
sound and fury and signifying.. uh, something.
http://snurl.
>> I'm pissing on your car <<
Ginger Fuhrer Rob spent Wednesday making this
joyous song and urinating on his neighbour's
Jeep in the name of ART. The voice of an angel
and the bladder of a puffer-fish.
http://www.b3ta.
* ALSO JACKO FLASHMOB - How I started it by
accident, also by Rob, your newsletter Hitler,
who can stick two links of his own at the top
if he fancies it.
http://snurl.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Buses
Buses are great. It's the drivers that are the
problem - as Emadex's story of a dead passenger
that got dumped at a bus stop makes clear:
http://b3ta.
* TICKETS - "Shouting from the front of the bus,
disturbs my iPod listening. A mid-20s girl sat
next to a young black man was shouting typical
(for this part of Europe at least) fairly racist
remarks: enquiring whether he could in fact
fornicate with himself and requesting that he
does indeed 'go back to the jungle.' This poor
man was sitting there, not making a sound, looking
straight ahead and not reacting. Meanwhile the
inspector gets on and starts asking for tickets.
People hold them out, ready to show that all is
paid and proper, whereupon the young black
gentleman snatches the shouty lady's ticket from
her hand, eats it, and then carries on staring
straight ahead. She went mental. What's more,
explaining to the inspector that her ticket had
been eaten just got her thrown of the bus for
being a nutter..."
(Bababoon)
* WHEELS - They go round and round apparently:
"A couple of rows in front of me on a packed bus
was a mum balancing her shopping on her lap. Her
little kid was standing next to her and singing
loudly. The only song she knew was The Wheels on
the Bus. Worse, she only knew one verse. Which
she repeated again and again and again. By the
23rd time this was more than slightly irritating.
So mum turned to her daughter and asked her to
sing something else. Daughter stopped, thought
for a second, and then comes out with, "Bodyform.
Bodyform for YOUUUUUUUUU!
and the mum went red in the face."
(lordofallhesurveys
* TOP DECK - "I like sitting in the front seats
on the top deck, holding the rail under the
window, pretending I'm hand-gliding very slowly
around London."
(Numma Supplies)
>> This Week's Question <<
Gather around the burning oil-drum and tell us
your hobo-tales:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Echo Nest rocks bells <<
Put a donk on it? That more cowbell thing? All
these websites springing up that allow you to
muck around with audio have one thing in common
- they're using Echo Nest, a way of using
computer code to cut up beats and re-order them
in a musical fashion. This is big. This is
awesome, and the linky goes to a clever
chappie using the technology to cut up Black
Eyed Peas' "Boom Boom Pow".
http://musicmachine
>> There, I fixed it! <<
In what can only be an attempt to get a book
deal, earn some Adsense pennies or just become
as "famous as the failblog" comes this
collection of really dreadful repairs. We're
only being cynical because we're suddenly
regretting not having a job in publishing and
thinking how easy our lives would be - just
keeping an ear to the net and repurposing
anything that has obvious mass appeal.
http://thereifixedi
>> Portraits of nails <<
Speaking of such - wouldn't these photos of
bent nails in amazingly human poses make a
great little picture book? It has charm, and
could be piled up by the counters without
risk of offending anyone.
http://www.designsw
>> Amusing Pringles banner ad <<
Back when the only entertainment online was a
bear that shat prime numbers, there was a site,
just a few lines of javascript, that produced
endless OK/Cancel dialogue boxes with amusing
text like, "are you bored yet?" and "but you
can't stop clicking can't you?" Looks like the
agency producing ad banners for Pringles have
as long a memory for this crap as us. BTW:
Over ten years Pringles have reduced their
packs from about 200g to 150g. True fact. We
read it in this month's issue of Wired UK.
http://awardshome.
>> Periodic Table of Typefaces <<
If you work in a design agency, and we know at
least 2% of our readers know people who do,
then here's your new wallpaper.
http://snurl.
>> "Emails from an asshole" <<
Proving once and for all that all comedy needs
a victim comes this collection of wind-up emails
sent in response to classified ads. We ended up
reading quite a few and then remembered we
needed the bog.
http://www.donteven
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
For those scared of clicking
>> Billie Tweets <<
Clever montage of twitter comments accompany
and spell the lyrics to Michael Jackson's
Billie Jean video. Someone clever needs to
write a script that'll do this for any youTube
video that has captions.
http://billietweets
>> Springwatch Smiths references <<
Nature programme presenter Chris Packham
secretly tried to slip a Smiths reference into
every show. Here they all are edited together.
You're probably expecting us to put a Smiths
gag in here, but that joke isn't funny anymore.
http://b3ta.
>> Jacko fail <<
As the web continues to be dominated by Jacko
news, here's an advert for his now-cancelled O2
concerts. Can't say too much more without
ruining it.
http://snurl.
>> Freak-out kid Japanese remix <<
Lols a-plenty for those who appreciated last
week's spack-out by a teen World of Warcraft
addict. Jaunty Nintendo-style tune accompanies
some edited highlights of his overwrought
capering.
http://b3ta.
>> Ducks go up the down escalator <<
Waterfowl once again demonstrate why Man is the
master of the planet. The fucking idiots.
http://b3ta.
>> Cat madness <<
Bewildering, high-speed montage of classic
feline lols. Subliminal message: Your cat wants
some biscuits.
http://www.youtube.
>> Web Side Story <<
Witty sketch combining the twin pleasures of
musical theatre and criticising the internet.
Pleasure your inner gay nerd.
http://www.collegeh
>> Multi-webcam music vid <<
Extraordinarily clever music video filmed on
multiple video-chat feeds then collaged
together to very pleasing effect. No idea what
the song is about tho. Probably grooming
children online.
http://b3ta.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Cock buildings
"Instead of a CDC (crudely drawn cock) logo,"
writes Ericezza, how about a CBC (cleverly
built cock) complete with full balls? As
photographed by me on Gracechurch Street,
London."
http://img19.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Posh Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make everything posh.
Your favourites included:
* SHANNON - everyone's favourite chav princess
gets b3tarded (Wet chinned bag-shanker)
http://b3ta.
* CHORTLE - the Chuckle Brothers, upgraded
(Bobby Bob Bob)
http://b3ta.
* EAGLE - a bird of prey, with added spiffiness
(Panjandrum)
http://b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.
>> New challenge: Pirates <<
PIRATES. It's time for one of B3ta's famous one
word challenges. Piracy is in the news at the
moment with the sale of The Pirate Bay and the
sea-bound Somalian pirates - so there's scope
to interpret this however you wish.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* LAMINATING BACON - "Back in the day, I was
invited round this girl's house," explains
DanBangBang. "Her mum was out, perfect
conditions for teenage fumblings. However, when
I got into her room I was distracted by the
massive laminator on her desk.
"'My Dad gave it me for Christmas,' she
explained glumly. 'He works for an office
supply shop, he's an arsehole'. Yes, we tried
to laminate and simultaneously cook bacon. The
plastic sheets don't really get airtight, the
bacon semi-cooks, there's a lot of noise and a
horrible smell. Hope this helps."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* DOOMWATCH - "A site which counts fear words
eg 'Swine Flu', 'Terrorism'.
news and charts what to be most scared of
today." (via @ricomonkeon)
* SICKINEWS - "A page that correlates trending
news events with jokes about that event on
Sickipedia." (via @chthonicionic)
* URBANPOON - "An iPhone app that lets you
quickly find hookers by location, price and
ethnicity." (via @millwallant)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Choc Ice, Seventh,
Gingey, Mighty Nibus, oller, Kung_Fu_Russ,
badge, waz4444, Wingnutt, Ryan Giggs' Bald
Spot. Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Ad7.
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Yesterday, I came home early from work and
found my wife cheating. The lazy bitch has
hired a cleaner.
http://www.sickiped
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