This Week:
* VIDEO - Disturbing Strokes
* CHALLENGE - Fluffy Disasters
* QUESTION - Embarrassing fan moments
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're making
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | testicle tetris...
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B3ta email 374 - 17 Apr 2009
Download this newsletter with your modem:
http://b3ta.
Fruit: b3ta-subscribe@
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: SPONSORED LINK
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In a secret greenhouse somewhere in the UK, the
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http://tiny.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
The loony bin is open
>> Dan & naD <<
Clever, clever stuff from Dan (and Dan), who
has made a palindromic comedy sketch about a
guy who starts ageing backwards. "As you can
probably guess," he explains, "This took
quite a while to get right. But we wouldn't
have it any other way."
http://www.youtube.
>> Disturbing Strokes <<
"A quick change of music and a couple of
tweaks" from Monty Propps have transformed the
opening titles of classic sit-com Diff'rent
Strokes into something altogether creepier.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Talent <<
Food for thought from Goodiebag Kirby, as he
mulls over the 'myth' of 'talent'. Interesting
subject, which got sparked us off on a good
'debate'.
http://www.goodieba
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Nightclubs
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked about your experiences in
nightclubs:
http://b3ta.
* I'LL GET MY - "A little the worse for wear by
the cloakroom. It's nearing the end of the night
and I go up to the cloakroom lady and say, 'I'm
very sorry, but I've lost the ticket for my
jacket, is there any chance I could get it back
without the ticket?' She looked impatient and
said, 'I've already given you your coat.' And
then had the temerity to add, 'and you are
wearing it.' I've not really been back since."
(teebie jeebie)
* ROOFIES - "My mate Landon, bored, tried picking
up girls a couple levels out of his league.
Plastic cup in hand, he shoves his head into a
crowd of four girls sitting at a table and, in
a shifty foreign accent, goes, 'Excuse me, but
do you know where I can get, erm, I can't remember
what they're called... you put them in someone's
drink when... when you want to go home with them.'
At this point their looks of disgust turn to
abject horror: 'DATE RAPE!?' one of them shouts,
loud enough to turn heads over the shitty music.
'I, I don't know. Is that what they're called?
These pills, you put them in drinks and they get
sleepy and...' 'DATE RAPE!?!' she shouts again.
By this point the rest are looking a bit nervous
and I see a bouncer heading our way. 'I, I suppose.
Do you know where to get them?' 'OF COURSE NOT!'
Then, in perfect English he replies, 'Thank God,
watch my drink!' and walks off towards the
bathroom. The abrupt transformation from horror,
to confusion, to tears-streaming-
was truly a sight to behold." (TheManWhoWas)
* DINOSAUR - "Trying to get into the Garage in
Sauchiehall Street on my 18th birthday - a
friend had given me a toy dinosaur as a present,
so when they asked if I had any weapons with me,
I pulled dino out of the bag and shouted 'RAWR!
I have a vicious man-eating lizard, does that
count?' They then asked if I had any ID to
prove that I was over 5..." (vitamin c)
>> This Week's Question <<
What lengths have you gone to in order to show
your devotion to your heroes? Just how big a
fan are you? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: BONUS SPONSORED LINKYPOOS
Forget Dinner
The UK's least romantic dating site:
http://www.forgetdi
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Dork Yearbook <<
Vintage pictures of young nerds, posing with
their early computers. Particularly delightful
is an 80s current affairs show, introducing
America to the latest trend from Japan - Super
Mario Brothers.
http://dorkyearbook
>> Circuit Snacks <<
Claiming to be "the tastiest way to design and
learn about electronic circuits", here's an
in-depth guide to replicating circuits with
sweet, sweet, uh, sweeties. We could be looking
towards a new generation of toothless techies.
http://www.evilmads
>> Uncomfortable Plot Summaries <<
Wilfully perverse short summaries of film, TV
and comic stories. For example, Star Wars:
Religious extremist terrorists destroy
government installation, killing thousands.
Batman: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
http://snurl.
>> Bleak kids' word book <<
'Child's first dictionary' spoof that introduces
baby to a world comically full of sadness and
woe.
http://myfirstdicti
>> Sex with presidents <<
"I paint myself having sex with the Presidents
of the United States in chronological order,"
explains crazy artist Justine Lai. It's like a
grotesque jazz mag for political historians.
And somewhat NSFW.
http://justinelai.
>> Derek Acorah has cancelled some tour dates <<
And his excuse is a psychic classic. "It is
with deep regret that we announce the
cancellation of two shows due to unforseen
television commitments.
http://www.derekaco
>> Stars in a 50's stylee <<
Some dedicated pinup fan has collected together
a gallery of modern stars photographed as if
they were 50's pinups. A healthy shot of classy
glamour.
http://www.listal.
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: B3TAN MAKES CARD GAME ==
We've got 10 to give away
Remember that War on Terror board game made by
Andrew Sheerin that ended up being seized by
Plod under the crappy terrorist laws? Well,
he's back and has a new game that he's hoping
won't get him sent to jail. We've got ten to
give away to the best answers to the classic
joke feedline, "why did the chicken cross the
road?"
http://www.robmanue
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like laserdiscs that you don't have to flip
>> Why condoms don't protect you from AIDS <<
Extended argument, with scientific examples, as
to why a condom will fail to protect you from
STDs. Leads to a startling denouement. This guy
is a pure delight.
http://www.youtube.
>> Interview fail <<
News reporter goes to interview suspect in
local crime, only to find she's batshit crazy.
Watch him gradually lose the will to live. She,
on the other hand, seems to be having a
brilliant time and manages to plug her costume
shop.
http://www.youtube.
>> We didn't start the flamewar <<
Fantastic animated webpage tomfoolery. The
greatest Billy Joel-inspired online community
tribute song ever!
http://snurl.
>> Tug of war - face edition <<
Two guys wear tights over their heads and
attempt to pull each other over, while the
camera zooms in on their comically-distorted
faces. We never realised noses could squash
quite so much.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Boss hip hop <<
Rhyming middle manager takes you through a
typical day in his increasingly demented
working life.
http://www.youtube.
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: GET YOUR TATS OUT
for the geeks
Chat Magazine runs a fantastic feature where
dole-scum readers send in their dreadful body
art. Generally it's mums with their kids' names
scrawled on their flabby arms. But it's not
just the pikeys who are proud of their ink:
* GEEKY TATTOOS - cribbed from our twitter
friend Christian H, a rock star programmer, a
regular turn on the programming conference
circuit and the proud owner of an off, play and
stop switch on his wanking arm.
http://www.geekytat
* TASTELESS TATS - interview with a man who's
made it a mission to daub his body with the
most tasteless tattoos in the world. Included
are a man with a vagina eating his own leg, a
tranny having a dump and best of all, a Nazi
unicorn on his arse.
http://snurl.
* SATANISM FAIL - confusing the Star of David
with a pentagram really is Devil Worship 101.
http://imgur.
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: B3TA PEOPLE #2
More stuff from the mentals
>> Gordon Brown <<
Jonti doesn't like Gordon Brown. He's a dull
man, in a boring suit. Why can't we have
someone more exciting and dynamic, like Kim Il
Jong or Robert Mugabe?
http://www.weebls-
>> Snooker loopy George <<
Respected news journalist George Alagiah sings
Chas & Dave from a troublespot in the
developing world, thanks to the digital
wizardry of kb3d. Has an odd charm.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Gay Spacemen <<
You know the jokes a-coming, but it can't
prepare you for Joel and gang relentlessly
pounding it in your face again and again.
Hooray!
http://rathergood.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Computer Game Reality Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us the
grim reality behind the so-called "fun"
of computer games.
Your favourites included:
* BOMB - even on Planet Bomber, internment
camps and rendition flights were a
subject of much fierce debate
(Lazio Woodbine)
http://www.b3ta.
* INVADER - controversial image appearing
to suggest that a sprite may have been
captured by the US Government (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.
* SNAKE - the star of Nokia gaming made
regular, mysterious visits to the
ladies room (ferret)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Fluffy Disasters <<
Time to bring a little happiness to a
globe in turmoil: take atrocities,
murders, disasters, the lot, and make
them as fluffy as fluffy can be.
Challenge suggested by workboresme.
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CRANK LETTERS - Robney McPlum has been
sending harassing emails to Olympic
representatives to provoke correspondence about
his penis. Best line? "We are unable to use
your cock as the official snack for the women's
Olympic team." Which is fair enough really,
most of them prefer rug.
http://snurl.
* T-SHIRTS - one of the amazing joys of running
B3ta is the occasional freebee sent by members.
Thanks to Pat Wood of truffle-shuffle who sent
the whole Fuhrer family t-shirts. Witness Angus
modelling a Twister t-shirt. BTW: Our cat Rocky
is also available for modelling duties if
anyone wants to send us a year's supply of cat
biscuits or much-needed flea treatment.
http://www.flickr.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Find the Key
We used to drive our old flatmates insane by
constantly losing our keys and being locked
out, until one day, they bought us a chain and
said, "tie the fucking things to your belt and
stop waking us up at 3 in the morning." Maybe
you'll have more luck finding your keys in this
rather good game. Shame about the irritating
pre-roll ads.
http://www.bartbont
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* THE RETURN OF COMMUNISM - so that all
electronic items are manufactured by the
government and all take the same chargers and
other wires. (The Russian iPod, it's compatible
with everything but only plays the Red Army
Choir)
* TWITTER ZORK - Mike Trinder suggests,
"Monkeon's idea that you could play the classic
text adventure Zork via Twitter had me thinking
that's possible to do. Infocom's Z-machine code
is freely available."
http://b3ta.
* CAKE ON THE NHS - apparently those with wheat
intolerances can get a prescription for special
cake. We're just saying, Mr Doctor, can we have
this too?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MrQaz, Alex
Humphreys, @dr_whom, chunderbunny, funkenstein,
shambla and Boondocks - YEAH! Top Tippery by
Rob. Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
subjlols via Scaramanga
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TOP TIP:
Use the subtitles on the The Wire DVDs, it
makes all the mumbling and complicated plotting
actually comprehensible.
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SICKIPEDIA:
"UK Students Die In Safari Crash." I bet they
wished they'd just stuck with Internet Explorer
now.
http://www.sickiped
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