This Week:
* VIDEO - Lady beard
* COCK - Joel gets his out
* PRETEND BOOK - I Spot School Misery
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on floppy disks in case
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B3ta fax 372 - 3 Apr 2009
Read this issue on Teletext:
http://b3ta.
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: SPONSORED LINK
Why the Real Estate Boom Will Not Bust
For our readers with a taste for rubbing salt
into wounds, this is the perfect birthday gift
for friends who've invested their life savings
in buy-to-lets.
http://www.amazon.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, nonsense and piffle
>> I Spot School Misery <<
Your newsletter team of Rob & Dave found school
pretty miserable really, but the silver lining
is that E4 asked us to pour our experiences
into the form of some kind of fake book. All
voted for by you, lovely B3ta people. And
absolutely riddled with obscure references to
Smestow School of Wolverhampton circa 85 to 92.
Oops, we've completely outed ourselves.
http://www.e4.
>> 8-BIT Waterslide in REAL LIFE! <<
"Thought you might enjoy this video we made for
a competition"
free to vote but more importantly I hope you
get a few laughs from it." Mostly we enjoyed
the enormous amount of effort they've gone to
to produce this. We once had 8 wanks in one
day, which was an equally difficult
achievement.
http://www.b3ta.
>> Cockenspiel <<
Veitch writes, "We've finally made the most
advanced and realistic "playing a glockenspiel
with your cock" simulator on the internets."
Good stuff sir - what next? An anal sexaphone?
http://rathergood.
>> Weebl Vs Armageddon<<
Jonti is getting his final payment for his
"shed for babby" by pimping his egg-shaped
creatures to sell egg-shaped chocolate. This
one is riffing on Bruce Willis's Armageddon,
where Brucey played an egg-shaped bald man
dodging asteroids. As per usual, if you stay
for the credits you'll get one of Jonti's
special songs.
http://tinyurl.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Nativity Plays
Last week we asked your earliest stage appearances
- you know, back when the school play once a year
had a part for _everyone_. Go read them, if only
for A Bean Countin' Man's lovely tale of (nice)
stalking:
http://b3ta.
* NOT NINJAS - "I can trump all of those "I was
a tree" or "I played a cow" stories: in the
second year junior school I played... a patch
of darkness. Oh yes. Myself and 4 or 5 others
dressed entirely in black with black face paint
on a dimly lit stage. I don't think the headmaster
liked me." (MrC)
* COMING OUT OF THE TREES - "Last year my daughter
played her first part in the school play: tree
number 3 in sleeping beauty. The costume consisted
of a large cardboard tube, a brown jumper and
cardboard cut out of leaves taped to her hands.
The plan was for the trees to be playfully hit
by the prince the trees and fall down. The prince
got to the first tree and swung his plastic sword
Whack! The first tree-kid fell over. The prince
galloped over to the second one and whack! Second
tree-kid falls over too. The prince then wandered
over to my kid and hit her. She stays stood. The
prince whacked the tree again, this time a little
harder. This time she moved, but not the way planned.
My daughter has been brought up with two brothers
and when there is a fight to be had she won't back
down. The tree came alive, Whomping Willow style,
uprooted itself and chased the (now in tears)
prince off the stage. The now sobbing prince returns
to stage holding a teacher's hand and is walked to
Sleeping Beauty and wakes her up while off-stage
the voice of a pissed-off tree yells, "He started
it - he hit me first!" (mon bison)
* RHUBARB - "I was about seven and was cast as one
of the shepherds. We were to enter, stage left,
talking amongst ourselves. There were no lines,
just the instruction to 'talk amongst yourselves.'
I asked a teacher what sort of thing we we should
say and was told, "Just say 'rhubarb'." Now, I
may not have been great at improvising dialogue,
but I *was* good at organising and motivating..
Enter stage left a group of shepherds, inexplicably
bellowing "Rhubarb!" perfectly in unison. The
following year I was a tree." (superscape)
>> This Week's Question: scroungers <<
Dole scum? There must be an upside to not
working. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Before / after photoshopping <<
Cameras never lie but Photoshop does. Enjoy
this large collection of before and after
images that demonstrate the dark arts of the
retoucher. If only you could do this in real
life: we'd give our cat bigger tits.
http://detouch.
>> ActionObama! <<
Obama isn't just a puppet of the New World
Order - no really, he's literally a puppet. We
particularly liked his detachable pointy finger
- ideal for pointing at little ants and
shouting, "are you part of the solution?"
http://gamu-
>> Talk to strangers on the internet <<
Our mum told us never to talk to strangers, but
then again she also told us we'd end up working
on the bins and considered a 'sweet corn and
sardine pizza' the height of cuisine. This site
is extremely addictive, it's like almost like
having friends. So tuck in, friendless:
http://omegle.
>> The worst Star Trek costumes in history <<
Cosplay is the sport of winners, and only the
real hotshots attempt Star Wars regalia with
such cack-handed panache. It's like Paris
fashion week for the blind.
http://www.holytaco
>> Construction Mistakes <<
Stairs that lead to ceilings, CCTV cameras that
point the back of an old telly and a cashpoint
halfway up a side of a building. Bloody hell
mate, you've 'ad the cowboys in ain't yer?
http://www.crookedb
>> Guess the state of her muff <<
NSFW. A collection of ladies, dressed normally,
not looking like they might have "done porn".
Your job, gentle reader, is to imagine the
condition of their pant moustache, then click
for the full hairy reveal. (NSFW and likely to
be booted off blogspot pretty soon we reckon.)
http://guesshermuff
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
This year's answer to CD-Rom
>> News anchor makes fun of lady's moustache <<
Winning B3ta's coveted TV Personality of the
Year 2009 is New Zealand's Paul Holmes who in
the past described U.N bigwig Kofi Annan as a
"cheeky darkie", New Zealand politician Tariana
Turia as a "confused bag of lard" and his
latest gaffe was not to shut up during a live
broadcast about a woman with a tache. He makes
Clarky look like a limp wristed pinko, and this
is England, giving Paul an open invitation to
come over here and save TV.
http://snurl.
>> Shatner eats pudding <<
We love the tubby Trek meister's almost sexual
pleasure as he tucks into this pot of creamy
dessert. Again. And again. And we know he keeps
a few pots on his bedside table for those
peckish night-time moments. Either that or
someone's blown him up with a bicycle pump and
forgotten to let the air out.
http://www.youtube.
>> Steel Panther - Death to all but metal <<
For a brief moment in about 2003, the Darkness
took the charts by storm with their oh so
ironic take on rock. These guys do it better,
taking the piss and making our hearts beat
faster as they unleashed the power of metal.
Justin must be spitting feathers as he sits
alone in his council flat eating a pot noodle
and wiping the tear-stains off his spandex.
Brilliant. Make sure you watch right to the end.
http://b3ta.
>> Stupid animal lols <<
Despite millions of years of evolution, animals
are still as thick as pig shit. Silly cat.
Silly hamster in wok.
http://snurl.
http://www.youtube.
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Attempts at funny from the autism hut
* WOMB LOGO LOLS - "Couple of people at the
University of Lincoln have been laughing at
this new logo seen around campus", informs The
Mong Arm Of The Law, "Earlier I got linked to a
lovely image detailing it and I thought it was
perfect for the newsletter." Heh, this almost
could be called a smear campaign.
http://snurl.
* GOOGLE STREET VIEW BLUNDERS - Jon Bounds of
'Birmingham, it's not shit' fame writes,
"Created by the way Google has stitched two of
its Street View panoramas in Smethwick, take
the advert for a film and a moving bus." Great!
Next week we bring you U2's new chart topping
bum.
http://snurl.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Wrongstructions Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to mess with
instructions.
Your favourites included:
* BACON - bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon
bacon (Barbarossa)
http://www.b3ta.
* DEATH STAR - serves 'em right for getting
cowboy builders in (barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.
* POPE - The Vatican's change of heart on
contraception was introduced in spectacular
fashion (BobilFlass)
http://www.b3ta.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.
>> New challenge: Pop Goes The Movies <<
Time was, any pop star worth their salt would
make a shit movie to earn a few quick quid
(even Slade made one). Now it's just rappers.
What films would YOUR favourite pop stars
appear in? Challenge suggested by Joe
Scaramanga
http://www.b3ta.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BLOGS VS SCOTTISH TABLOIDS - following on
from the recent internet revolt against the
Scottish Sunday Express VS Dunblane survivors
story, comes Jamie Ross, a young writer
currently blogging his experiences with cancer
and trying to make it as a comedy writer. He's
not too happy that the Scottish Sun ripped
lumps of his blog and edited it down to a
'poor, brave, cancer survivor' story. Anyway,
tuck in if you like internet rows, and frankly
we do.
http://snurl.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PRINTABLE BOOK COVERS FOR BOOKS YOU'RE
EMBARRASSED TO READ IN PUBLIC - currently we're
working our way through the Charles Manson
murder biog Helter Skelter, it's got a truly
frightening cover and we had to make a DIY
dust-cover from a sheet of A4 so we could read
it in a children's playground without looking
like a mental. However the official B3ta wife
now thinks we made ourselves look like we were
reading porn. In front of children.
* CHOCOLATE TEAPOT EASTER EGGS - yes we know
we've covered choccy teapots before, but with
Easter coming up wouldn't they make the perfect
gift for the useless idiots in your life? You
could say, "you're as useful as a chocolate
teapot" and they'd have to accept the insult
because it would be made of lovely, luscious
chocolate. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PRODUCT DESIGN
FOR THE WIN.
* BISCUIT MASHUPS - Custard Dodgers, Gypsy
Bourbons, and Figgy Hobnobs. Biscuits 2.0 is
coming and if you don't step up to the plate
then you're a crummy bastard.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff twittered in by @j2n4me,
@frizfrizzle, @iainthomson, @c_j_s. Other stuff
via email / or the board from Floppy Donkey,
Monty Propps, Professor Kenny Martin and
GomiNoSensei. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Bono joke from
FishNChimps. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlol via Emvee AKA Rob Lees Jones,
who once turned up at our house in a skirt.
New world order? Was that the one
with John Barnes rapping on it?
#fallowfriday @crop_rotation @top_soil
@nitrogen and not forgetting the
@1933_Agricultural_
AND AND AND, we might have got to this a bit
late but has everyone seen this giant cock
on a roof?
http://snurl.
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SICKIPEDIA:
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to
write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a
basic skill isn't it....
http://www.sickiped
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