Phun Stuff and Everything You Dislike: Fwd: [b3ta] "How to tell where your cat has been by smelling its breath"

This Week:
* EBAY - Will you buy a B3tard a car?
* IMAGES - Classical art, modernised
* VIDEOS - Youtube rapes schmideo section

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___/ ___// / / // |/ //_ __/
__/ /__ / /_/ // / / / "We're sucking off
__\___/ \____//_/|_/ /_/ tramps... together"

B3ta email 278 - 25 May 2007

This issue is online. With a URL and everything.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue278/

ACK: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
NACK: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
Win Glastonbury tickets

Seeing the opportunity for a painful pun,
Orange have stuck a GPS box to a bull and
opened a 'spot the bull' competition. So get a
moo-ve on, because free Glasto tickets? It's
all butter.
http://snipurl.com/spot_the_bull

>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want us to be your advertising bitches? Then
get on the Amstrad email phone.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Signs, Advertising stunt and shitty roller-coasters

>> Sign posts <<
Sheep has produced what he describes as "Short
film with the comedy staples that are signs."
We think that Sheep is a genius and someone
should give him lots of money.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Signs_Short

>> Crap rollercoaster <<
B3ta's resident kitten botherer and food expert
Fraser has recently visited North Korea on a
mission to film a rollercoaster. As he puts it,
"To the Koreans it's not shitty - it's about as
thrilling as you can possibly get. Having said
that, this one wasn't in a great state of
repair."
http://www.pyongyangrollercoaster.com/

>> eBay car/advertising blag <<
Nobbynobody, probably best-known for his
biro-art pics on B3ta, is piss-broke and has
come up with a fancy scheme for getting himself
a new car. He's offering you the chance to
advertise your brand on his car. The clever
bit? The cash raised by the eBaying is actually
going to PAY for the car. So, if you work in
advertising and fancy getting involved in a
little online stunt, then get bidding NOW!
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=330123823605

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Terrible Food

Last week we resurrected one of the earliest
questions we ever asked: what's the worst
thing you've cooked or eaten?
http://b3ta.com/questions/terriblefood/

* EXTRA VIRGIN FAIRY
"I had a few disasters while learning to cook I
think that the fry-up I made after getting
quite tipsy one night probably rates quite
highly on that score. I didn't realise anything
was wrong when the "oil" turned very bubbly. It
was only the next morning when I woke up with
the most disgusting taste of chemicals
permeating my hangover that the penny finally
dropped. I had fried everything in washing-up
liquid. Don't try it - it will make you very
sick." (Lord Gnome)

* MADE TO MAKE YOUR MOUTH WATER
"Babysitting for my little cousin one day, I
found he was being very, very quiet, sitting in
the corner apparently playing with lego. On
closer inspection he had actually been sucking
on a slug. Sucking on a slug so voraciously in
fact, he'd sucked it dry. It took some force to
prise the corpse out of his jaw. That's
definitely the worst thing I've ever seen
someone else eat at least." (thants)

* NO, NEIGH, NEVER
"I found myself teaching English to French
kids, and I would ask 'Is anyone here a
vegetarian?'. Naturally (this being France)
most of them didn't even know what a vegetarian
was, and those few that did always said no.
Then in one class a girl put up her hand and
said yes. I was amazed, and asked her what sort
of things she ate (I'm told it's not easy being
a veggie in France). She replied, earnestly,
'Well, I don't eat horse.'" (reallywittyname)

>> This Week's Question <<
Have you ever been screwed over by someone you
are doing a favour for? Is that all the thanks
you got for your efforts?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thanksalot/

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: SPONSORED LINK
Acieed! Acieed! T-shirts from Discoo

Smiley Face Acid House T-Shirts and more retro
Summer gear from Religion Clothing. Get sorted
this summer:
http://snipurl.com/discoo

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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

>> Darwinism disclaimer stickers <<
The sticker on the top left is one they have
actually used in school textbooks in certain
parts of the US, due to pressure from religious
groups. The others are alternatives you can use
to cover up the offending original, just to get
up the Creationists' noses. Blimey.
http://www.swarthmore.edu/NatSci/cpurrin1/textbookdisclaimers/

>> Hamster-powered shredder <<
"I typed 'two fat lesbians' into the google
image search," admits Henry. "But when I
clicked on the picture it inexplicably took me
here."
http://www.tomballhatchet.com/hamstershredder.html

>> How the World carries chickens <<
If you have a dozen hens to transport, you
could do worse than check out this gallery of
international poultry-wrangling techniques.
Particularly useful if you're travelling abroad
and want to carry things out in an
ethnically-sensitive fashion.
http://snipurl.com/chuck_yer_muck

>> God smokes fags <<
Amusingly slight rejoinder to the ever-popular
Fred Phelps homo-hate rant-site
godhatesfags.com.
http://www.godsmokesfags.com

>> Dead rat lamp <<
One of those items that does exactly what the
title suggests. Step-by-step technique to make
your own novelty lamp out of a common-or-garden
dead rat. Looks grotesquely funny, probably
smells funny too.
http://snipurl.com/NSFW_dead_rat

>> Shit supervillain <<
Colour-blind but with the super-powered
goggles, that's Rainbow Raider. We love the
extremes those old-time comic book writers had
to go to just to turn out a threat of the week
different to the one that came before. Rainbow
Raider joins Doctor Demonicus in out pantheon
of superfoes to be pitied.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_Raider

>> 'TV Controller' blog <<
Entertaining satirical blog purporting to be by
the actual controller of a TV station. It's
clearly written by someone with at least a
nodding acquaintance with the television
industry - and certainly none the worse for
that.
http://thetvcontroller.blogspot.com/

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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Wombat VS Hedgehog phone-vote scandal

* HEDGEHOGS - Ever thought about getting a
furze-pig as a pet? Apparently available for
about $100 in some U.S states. Cute video tho.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPhpsIK7pDc&NR=1

* HAPPY WOMBAT - life_of_holly writes, "Thought
you might like this happy happy little wombat
for your Things That Make You Go Aahh section.
I found him on Daily Cute, and I actually do a
little bit of wee whenever I see him." And you
know? We're weeing too. Right now.
http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h86/Kohoutek/happywombat.jpg

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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Because YOU LOVE compression artifacts

>> Glasses-catching with the face <<
It's clearly impossible, being able to field a
thrown pair of shades on your nose from any
distance or angle. But how are they faking it?
We thought we knew but now we're not sure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-prfAENSh2k

>> Sushi bar conveyor-cam <<
Guy sticks his digital camera on the little
conveyor belt in a late night Tokyo sushi bar,
producing results that vaguely remind us of
that excellent nightclub tracking shot in
Goodfellas. Of course, it wouldn't be nearly as
good if you did that in London. Someone would
nick it.
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c35_1178938654

>> Wheelchair boy band <<
If you don't speak Norwegian you won't get much
from the first 50 seconds. But then it gets
good. Really good. And we're not laughing at
them because they're all foreign and in
wheelchairs. We're laughing with them. And
wanking.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=aCxDZRJKkqY

>> Randy little robot <<
In the future we'll have robots doing all the
hard work. We won't even have to bother with
sex anymore. Check out the moves on 'Hector' -
very slick! In homage we're going to wear a
forehead-mounted LED next time we get romantic
too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qOuVfcoRmw

>> 100 movies countdown <<
Apparently it's a spoof of some American Film
Institute ads. What it really is is a brilliant
little game. 100 short clips from classic
movies - how many can you guess?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FExqG6LdWHU

>> Fake wrestling <<
Surprisingly, this footage of a tiny Japanese
girl grappling with enormous, sweaty men looks
almost convincing. Sometimes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEBeQ0pYLog

>> Hoovering a deaf cat <<
It's hard to tell if this placid feline is
really deaf or just exceptionally indolent. You
certainly can't get within 20 feet of b3ta-cat
Rocky with a hoover.
http://www.devilducky.com/media/61878/

>> Talking cat <<
Cats are spooky creatures that imitate the
voices of human infants in order to exploit
your parental instincts and trick you into
feeding and caring for them. Don't believe us?
Check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eV71mpbvl-g

>> Copyright fairy tale <<
Nice little explanation of copyright and
fair-use law told entirely through the mouths
of Disney characters. Smart. That's sticking
it to the man!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJn_jC4FNDo

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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Get your cyber-rofls here web twats

* WANG-HOLDER - when Anna Wang and Brad Holder
got married, how would you expect it to be
announced?
http://www.indexjournal.com/weddings/20070430c_e.html

* RSOLES - UK comedian Steve "I didn't biff
Courtney Love" Coogan once had a character called
Tony Ferrino who sang a song with an 'our souls /
arseholes' pun. Read it re-jigged as a shoe
company website.
http://www.rsoles.com/

* NICHOLAS N BURNS-COX - best of all? He's a
hospital urologist. We're sure he's not sick of
the jokes yet.
http://snipurl.com/funny_name_really

* BEN DIRS - The BBC correspondent in charge of
their cricket scoreboard updates is a Mr Ben
Dirs. Our mind is boggling.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/england/6672179.stm

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Theme Park Challenge

Last week we wanted you to design theme
parks. It was brilliant.

Your favourites included:

* PHILOSOPHER'S WORLD - a lovely day out
answering all of life's great questions (The
Great Architect)

* CHESS - extreme, woeful punnage, yet still a
fun day out for the entire family, probably
(calibrax)

* TYPO TOWERS - where ride restrictions aren't
of the usual sort (Holly Would)

All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/theme_parks/

>> New challenge: Updating Art <<
Ever been to the National Gallery? It's
a lovely place, but all the pictures are
a bit old-fashioned. So this week's
challenge is to download some of the
gallery's classics and bring them up to
date...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/national_gallery/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.

NET PEDANTS - The Hairy Aerosol writes in to
say, "Actually diarrhea is called diarrhoea.
Unless you are an American." We wouldn't
normally bother to mention this but it caused
us to google it, and we found a fantastic
Wikipedia page featuring the best diagram ever.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diarrhea

CLEANING CDS - ray mentions, "Actually the best
thing to use is hair gel. If you use an
abrasive you risk damaging the CD even more,
but hair gel fills in the scratch and restores
the refractive properties so that the laser
pickup doesn't bounce off all over the place.
Not a permanent fix, but it's enough to let you
copy the cd and it's a lot less work than
polishing as well." Sounds like fine advice,
not that we can actually be arsed to test it.

USB CHARGER - last week we lamented that all
our electronic devices use different chargers.
Davidpfitz mentions, "You're after a
PowerMonkey. My pal gave me one for my birthday
and it's the nuts. In fact, you can buy 'monkey
nuts' for it for new connectors - I got one for
my DS for a quid just this week." Oooh, we want
one. Especially as it looks a little like a
vibrator.
http://www.powermonkey.co.uk/

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: FRIDAY GAME
Release! Cat with Bow Golf!

Vague descriptions of link. Obscure reference
to childhood experience. Weak joke about penis.
Finish with, "we scored three, maybe you can do
better?"
http://ishi.blog2.fc2.com/blog-entry-211.html?new

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.

Things we'd really like to see include

* A MORATORIUM ON SOCIAL NETWORKS - can the
internet please agree to not launch more of
these buggers? What we actually need is
interoperability - so that twitter can talk to
facebook can talk to myspace etc. It's the
messenger wars all over again and it's dull
dull dull.

* DOOR BELL ORCHESTRA - video lots of different
door bells being rung and sequence them into a
storming disco epic of 'Ring My Bell'.

* COCK-A-HOOP - rub your penis (assuming you've
got one) until it's stiff and proud. Drop
pine-apple rings on it. Win a teddy.

Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.

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THANKS:

This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by dy357lx, simon
bryce, grubbymitts, WEINERDOG13, dbell, adamb,
chickenlady, henry simmonds, dng, Captain
Pilchard, iowaseven, humpthefamilypet,
xemetery, ElRodente, Jamie_W, ryz45, Yank Meoff
and monkeyrun. Top Tippery by Mr. Jack
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Lovegas to the b4ta hugglebears. (No number
here) I call my boots George and Michael.
Because they got sucked off in a bog. NEW WORD:
podcastinating - downloading 100s of podcasts
that you know you won't listen to, rather than
doing the job in hand. Blame that ivesb for the
subjectline. We do.

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TOP TIP:
For thin, easy, fast, regular slices of cheese,
use a vegetable peeler to cut the slices. It's
a fantastic method.

Or add your own tip.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/