VOL 1361 - Oct 01, 2014 - The Female Demerit System - (How To Make a Woman Happy)

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QUOTATIONS ABOUT CANADA-

"Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women." - Richard Brenner

"Canada has never been a melting pot; more like a tossed salad." - Arnold Edinborough

"I fear that I have not got much to say about Canada, not having seen much; what I got by going to Canada was a cold." - Henry David Thoreau "A Yankee in Canada" (1853)

QUOTATIONS ABOUT ENGLAND

"The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it." - James Agate

"English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve." - Fred Allen "Treadmill to Oblivion"

"It's easy to understand why the most beautiful poems about England in the spring were written by poets living in Italy at the time." - Philip Dunne

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - The Female Demerit System

The Female Demerit System

Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the system is set up.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed. (+1)
* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But return with Beer. (-5)
* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner.. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes.(+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)




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