This Week:
* CAGE - Infinite Nic Cage
* GOOGLE+ - simulator
* THEFT - Your stories
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Trust
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | No
__/____/____/|__/_/ |_| One"
B3ta email 607 - 15 Nov 2013
Read this in a slightly different font:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue607
Ups : b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Downs : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
Kenyan Prime Minister latex head mask
This solemn-looking mask doesn't bear a great
resemblance to incumbent Kenyan Prime Minister
Amolo Odinga, whereas it seems well-suited for
some sort of racist hi-jinks. What. The. Fuck.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00F36VNI4/b3ta-21
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cage, Porn, Xmas, Bears and Human Resources
>> Infinite Instagram selfies with added Nicolas Cage <<
Imagine a human face with Nicolas Cage stamped
on it. Forever. "I made this over the weekend,"
writes intyra. "It's a bit shit but fuck it, it
adds character."
>> Shepherds of Xhamster <<
For the uninitiated, Xhamster is a porn site.
Here are some lovely pictures of shepherds,
superimposed with the eye-watering names of
porn videos.
http://shepherdsofxhamster.blogspot.co.uk/
>> Ant n Dec, Xmas is coming - NSFW <<
"'Tis the season..." writes hobnobgoblin. Mucky
but funny.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ant_n_Dec_Xmas_is_coming_NSFW
>> John Lewis Christmas advert 2013 - bit bleaker <<
'Tis definitely the season for mocking the
blockbuster Christmas commercials. Dark but,
you know, topical stuff from HappyToast.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1094294
>> The Ladies Of H.R. <<
"Hello chaps and chapesses," writes This
Glorious Monster. "Here's our latest dark,
little sketch."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1097372/
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: USVSTH3M
Another site we do, that you might like
* Realistic Google Plus Simulator - we've made a
super-accurate Realistic Google Plus Simulator -
have fun in the wilderness!
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/google-plus-simulator/
* 11 terrifying kids from vintage adverts who
will freeze the very marrow in your bones
http://usvsth3m.com/post/66372953934/
* 18 things only Northerners living down south
will understand.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/65623530326/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Theft
Last week we asked if you'd ever stolen
anything. The evidence for the prosecution is as
follows:
http://b3ta.com/questions/theft/
* CUSTOMS & EXCISE - Bored on an October
weekend, I got a last minute return ticket for
the Channel Tunnel and went for a drive around
Normandy. I didn't do much - found a few pretty
seaside towns and stopped for a meal, had a
passing look at some war damage, picked up a
few cheap packs of tobacco and headed back.
"My mistake was only being in France for about
four hours. This made the (British) customs
officers at Coquelles suspicious, and after
questioning me they proceeded to strip and
search my car. After two hours of them looking
inside door panels, inside the air filter and
pollen filter, they finally admitted I had done
nothing wrong and could continue on my journey
home.
"The roller-shutter on their inspection
building slid up, I chucked my coat onto the
passenger seat, jumped in, and rolled out
toward the train home. As I drove out, I heard
one of the customs guys ask: 'Where did you put
the toolbox?' It was under my coat on the
passenger seat. Still got it." (CarpeCyprinidae)
* IKEA - I once ordered a lemonade at a cafe in
an Ikea. They gave me the cup at the check-out,
and I had to fill it up myself from the
dispenser. I put some ice from the ice machine
in the bottom, then filled my plastic cup with
soft drink mix. Unfortunately, I had filled it
too close to the brim for easy transportation,
so I took a couple of sips to lower the level
in the cup.
"At this point I could have just walked away.
But I didn't walk away. A horrible plan formed
in my mind, driven by an all-consuming greed.
Trying to look casual while my heart was
pounding, I returned to the drinks dispenser.
As nonchalantly as I could, I TOPPED UP MY
DRINK AGAIN WITH MORE LEMONADE THAN I HAD PAID
FOR. Suddenly fearing the hand of a store
detective on my shoulder, I walked a little too
quickly to the exit, and my drink spilled a
little, probably losing more than I had gained
by illegal means.
"Even when I got to my car I knew I wouldn't be
in the clear until I was at least a few miles
away. The drinks holder in my car was too small
for the cup, so I drank the whole thing quickly
and didn't really enjoy it. It's a crime I've
had to live with for the rest of my days.
(cumquat may) (And nobody spoil it by
mentioning that Ikea now do free refills. Oh.)
* POLICE - A guy I know was the manager of a
petrol station. Early one Christmas morning, he
was called out of bed by the police on the
phone, telling him that someone had smashed the
window of the station shop, and he needed to
come down to tell them what had been stolen.
"Staggering blearily back to work, he surveyed
the shelves. 'Looks like three bottles of
whiskey have been taken, and maybe four large
boxes of cigarettes.'
"'OK,' said the police officer, reaching for a
couple of the remaining whiskey bottles, 'So
that was five bottles of whiskey, wasn't it
sir, and I believe you said six boxes of
cigarettes?'" (moon monkey)
>> This week – ATTENTION WHORE <<
Because it's all about me, me, me – tell us
what ridiculous things have you or others done
to grab the limelight.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/attentionwhore/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Make reaction GIFs with your face <<
Create your own iconic reaction GIFs using your
own face. Or someone else's - that's the
flexibility of the internet age.
>> Real Life Instagram <<
Stupid colours, weird cropping, Real Life
Instagram is just perfect.
>> The most self-centred Comment is Free post <<
Richard Dawkins' weird honey terrorist rant is
the most self-centred Comment is Free article
in history, according to analysis of the number
of times it mentions references "me", "myself"
and "I".
http://commentismee.qwghlm.co.uk/115/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Old men dance to acid house <<
So pleasingly effortless we could watch it
forever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/All_day_long
>> The Correspondents: Fear and Delight <<
"A couple of friends started a sort of band a
half dozen or so years ago," writes unclepills.
"This is their first proper video." Love the
music and the homage to the early days of
animation.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1095126/
>> That Jean Claude Van Damme ad <<
The Muscles From Brussels does the splits in
mid-air, between two articulated lorries,
reversing, while listening to Enya.
Heart-achingly beautiful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1096617/
>> Nicely detailed 'inside the birdhouse' ad <<
We don't remember it from the time, but this
birdhouse is packed with lovely, whimsical
touches.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1094706/
>> Brule's Rules on storing eggs <<
Absolute gold!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1095776/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Mobile Phone Challenge
Last week we wanted you to plant mobile phones
at moments of great historical importance.
Your favourites included:
* FUHRER: Apple's auto-correct changes dictator
legacy for worse (barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11027340
* FORTUNATE: medieval selfie offers protection
to battling King (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11026947
* FASCINATING: Dutch master of impossible
constructions, in reverse (Dr.Dunno)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11027043
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mobile-history/
>> New challenge: Pet Instructions <<
This week's challenge is to loot the internet
for source images and compile instruction
manuals for pet owners, enabling them to get the
best use out of their animals. Challenge
suggested by strongp.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pet-instructions/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A GOOD REASON TO USE GOOGLE+. No, seriously,
are we missing something here? because nobody
else seems to be using it either.
* A NEW TYPE OF SANDWICH - for surely we have
exhausted the ingenuity of Canary Wharf's
greatest sandwich-wrights.
* OUR HOMES AND LOVED ONES, because this is
looking like a late one.
Send contributions via the mail form.
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Smores: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Snores: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by skeltonator,
skaduskitai, Double2, lustreboy, loego.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Lose weight by living on the moon.
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